"What is the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you." That is a quote by Richard Wilbur. Wilbur is an American poet and college professor who has won two Pulitzer Prizes for his poetry; one in 1957, and another in 1989. Unfortunately, I have never read any of Wilbur's work, although I plan to correct that error at some time in the near future.
To get back to Wilbur's quote, it really hits too close to home for me. In my mind, I need to modify it a bit though to really make it fit. "A lonely me, a dead you." The holidays have been a tough time for me over the past few years, and no matter what I do, it doesn't really change. I seem to be the type that can be lonely in a crowded room. I don't seem to be lonely due to a lack of people... I am more lonely due to a lack of people to share my heart with. I miss the closeness of knowing one person really well. So well, that I can say anything to them. That feeling is the main thing missing in my life right now, and at times it can make me sad. Sharon and I had our troubles, but we always had the ability to communicate with each other with just a look or touch. To know someone understands where you are coming from on all levels is a great comfort. It's a comfort that I find very hard to come by. Sure, I talk with people. Although I jokingly say I am a recluse at karate, due to the fact that I work from home, and rarely go out during the week accept to go for coffee or to workout at the dojo, I am not really a recluse. I can easily talk with most people and keep up my end of the conversation. What throws me off occasionally, is the why of the matter. Usually, I understand why a conversation is going in the direction that t is going, and whether it is something serious or just idle chit chat, I usually know what's what. It is those odd times when a conversation takes a step towards the bizarre where I really get lost and feel lonely (oddly enough). Something will be said, and I will feel like I should be getting some kind of connection from what was just said, and instead I get this feeling of confusion and nothingness. Those are moments that are best shared with someone you love. A look or a nod would be enough to let me know that I wasn't really the crazy one. Now, I hit that point, and I just feel like what happened was really weird and I have no clue what is going on and no way to really check to see WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED! You know, the sad part is, that really isn't it. That seemed like a way to start to describe what I am missing, but it really isn't that. There just seems to be a really huge empty hole in me where my feelings used to reside that is now just an empty cavern. My thoughts go to where these feelings used to be and gets lost there. They wander for hours in a cavern of what was and what might have been. Memories can be a great comfort, but they can be a private hell as well. I guess what I am trying to say is that there is a type of loneliness that being around people really can't cure... and it happens a lot around the holidays. At least for me. Sometimes being busy can be a balm. At the same time, it can also be a scourge. I think at the holidays many people miss the power of two. I know I do.
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"An absence of tears is not the same as an absence of feeling." Okay, so this is a bastardized quote by me! It is bastardized because the quote I was looking at was: "But the absence of tears wasn't the same as an absence of feeling." They are very close, so I will give credit to Lisa Kleypas for this one. Lisa is a best-selling author of romance novels. I have never read any of her work, it is not really a genre I follow. Even so, her quote inspired my thought.
The above quote sort of fits my mood over the past few days. This mood hits me every once in a while, particularly around the holidays. It's a feeling of not really sadness but emptiness. For me, absence is as much an emotional state as sad or happy. In fact, absence to me is like the lack of any real emotion. I am not happy, sad, satisfied, or unsatisfied. I'm not angry, frustrated, optimistic, or pessimistic. In fact, it just seems that everything is gray. Nothing is good enough or bad enough to elicit a response. Three things seem to drive this feeling in me. First and foremost, things that remind me about my wife. Sometimes, I just can't seem to get past that she is dead and that I won't be seeing her again. I'll hear something that reminds me of her, or smell something. Sometimes it's just a memory or something that I remember seeing with her. The holidays also seem to drive this feeling in me. At times, I feel joyless and just want to hide. I want my daughters to enjoy the holidays and have a good time... and I try to make sure they do so. But oftentimes, underneath my veneer of mirth and joy, I feel empty. It is far worse than feeling sad. Finally, the last thing that makes me feel absence is when I am not actively working towards my goals. Oftentimes, I will bury myself with projects when I am in absence mode to keep myself too busy to think. I will work on a number of goals all at once so that no one feels neglected or excluded. It's at these times that I need everyone I love to be involved for at least a little while each week. Time to spend with my family helps me to slowly kill the absence that I feel inside. Things to do, memories to make... Talks of inconsequential things, all of these are some of my favorite things! Am I nuts? Who knows. Do you experience the emotion I call absence? If so, how do you beat it? Leave me a comment if you have any ideas, because it really does suck. |
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