Fact 1: Jupiter has lived with us for about a month now, and every time Daddy is not around and I let him out to go to the bathroom and try to get him in, he runs away from me. Today, I let him out, while Daddy stepped out to see about getting a paint job for his red Convertible. Jupiter went pee, and then as soon as I came close to him...he ran away to near our rock wall. He climbed over it to the other side. Now, he has done this before, but It took me about a half an hour to get him back in the house this time! I had to lead him in with treats because that always works with him.
Fact 2: Dogs do weird things, but have you ever had a dog, that jumps up to lick your face when you get your face to close to his or hers? Jupiter does. One time, I was playing with him, and I got my face too close and he tried to lick i. I jumped back and slammed my head right into the back of the desk! Fact 3: The thing I like about Jupiter is that when he gets excited...he does puppy run. He is fast, At one point, he charged right past me! The flash... IS BACK! Ashleigh
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It is going to be my birthday soon. It is in 14 more days. I'm going to be 8 years old. My sister already calls me 8. My sister is going to make me a chocolate cake with vanilla frosting.
She can decorate it how ever she wants. I also want to play ESO or Minecraft with daddy and Maddie. I will also play with the dog a little. When I blow out the candle on the cake, my wish will be to never work. The good thing about having a birthday in January is I get gifts from Santa and for my birthday. I don't know what Maddie or daddy have got me for my birthday. Though I know I will like it, because they always get me things that make me happy. I'm exited for my birthday. If daddy lets me I will watch YouTube for a little. For lunch we are going to have mac and cheese at the mac and cheese shop. It is in a mall. After lunch, we are going to have frozen yogurt. I like frozen yogurt. Ashleigh I've written previously about relationships between parent and child, but I'd like to re-clarify some of my thoughts again today because of some of what I've been recently experiencing in my life through friends and acquaintances alike. Currently, I'm 16- an age rooted in parental conflict and disrupt for people within my age demographic, so it seems. Personally, I have a stellar relationship with my dad that I discuss frequently on this blog and see no need to delve into again here. The bottom line is that he's one of my best friends and most trusted confidants for anything and everything.
To get to my point, I hear a lot of people walking around complaining about nonsensical and petty issues surrounding them and their parents. In previous posts, I've been quick to say that parent-child relationships are two way streets that need effort from both sides, and I've already touched on parents not having enough time (or enough care) to get to know their child, let alone properly guiding and raising their child(ren). Recently, I've been re-thinking these posts and wondering if I may have been a bit too rash and jaded in my opinions. While I do know quite a few parents who don't fit the bill when it comes to proper childcare, I also know a lot of people who are close to my age who would sooner run away from home than sit down at a table and talk to their parents. I don't understand the grudge that some people show their parents... particularly when they have caring parents who just want to help!!! Everyone has points in their life where they wish their parents would back down and leave them alone, and I understand that... but when I have to consistently hear about issues that border on the line of irrelevant with innocent parents put to blame, I can't help but wonder when those points begin to fade from sight. As someone who lost a parent at a young age, hearing people complain about petty issues really shuts me down. Sometimes, I wish that I had a mom to nag me about not making my bed, or folding my laundry, or washing my dishes... I wish I had a mom to tell me my makeup was a bit too heavy for my age, or that a certain outfit didn't look right on me. When these are the issues you choose to complain about, it's time to re-evaluate. Most of what our parents do for us, they do to guide us. Most parents (or at least, most good parents) want the best for their children- and that means better than they could ever do. In order to help their kids achieve this level of "better", your parents are going to teach you to do chores, and they'll expect to see some sort of output from you. Laundry is a necessary skill to have in life. So is knowing how to cook a proper meal (and clean dishes, for that matter). So is knowing how to keep a house tidy. So is knowing how to maintain personal hygiene. So is knowing how to dress appropriately... both for situations, and your body type. The list goes on, but those are some basic things that I hear many people my age complain about. I'm not saying that I've never grumbled about vacuuming or folding a load of laundry- but I certainly don't do it on a daily basis, and I DEFINITELY would never let anything so pathetically stupid impede on the strong relationship I have with my dad. At the end of the day, everything within your life is a reflection of a choice you made. If you want to see a different result, make a different choice... even if that choice means trying to help out around the house without being told 5 times first, even if that choice is accepting an apology you never received, even if that choice means that you need to stifle your pride, and accept your responsibilities. - Maddie We got a new car. It is a red 1972 Buick Centurion. It is old, and it has a top that can be put down. When we bought it, it was loud because it had a hole in its exhaust and it needed fixing. We took it to a mechanic and it needed exhaust manifolds. Because it was an old car, no one made manifolds for it any more. My Dad had to find some old ones to put on the car. Two or three weeks later, our car was back and a lot less noisy! The car was shining. Last week, we took the car to my karate tournament in Franconia, New Hampshire. My Aunt Michelle came up to see me in it. She let me play on her phone on the way. We had a good time. At the tournament I won two 1st places and one 3rd place. After the tournament, we went to McDonald's. The line was so big, and we ate at a picnic table outside. The line was also too big to get an ice-cream-cone after lunch. When we left, I fell into a deep sleep. I slept for hours!. Then I woke up... After leaving McDonald's, we went for a drive on the Kancamagus Highway. It is one of the most scenic highways in New England. We saw the coolest thing. Well, my Dad and Aunt did. I slept through it. A picture of what they saw is above. THE MOUNTAINS! For the rest of the ride I was in a big deep sleep and didn't get up until we were home. My Dad and Aunt loved their ride in the convertible. The rest of us slept through the entire ride. It is much windier in the back of the car and my hair got messy. Next time, I want to sit in front!
Ashleigh "The best thing that a father can give his daughter is his time." For those of you who don't know, my Dad's birthday was yesterday. He turned 51, and my unprepared self had neither card nor gift ready for him... so before I even get into this post a little bit, I'd like to apologize for that because honestly, my Dad deserves a f*cking island and currently I have enough money in my pocket to maybe buy him a coffee... and honestly, nothing is harder than that because I care a LOT about my Dad. He's one of my favorite people of all time and honestly one of the best friends I could ever ask for, and I couldn't even begin to imagine what my life would be like without him in it. To get back to the quote, I fully agree with it- the best thing a Dad can give to his daughter IS indeed, his time... and my Dad does such an amazing job devoting as much time as he can not only to me, but to my sister as well. He always has, honestly. He's raised me essentially single-handed since I was 7, and my sister has always grown up with him. He's managed to raise us both to be respectful and thoughtful young ladies all while keeping a steady job, keeping us in karate, training with us, helping us learn... and that's BEFORE we get into all the times he's taken us out shopping, hiking, to the park, to museums, to tournaments, and all our little outings in between. As I said earlier, my Dad is my best friend. This shouldn't be news to any readers of this blog; as I've written many posts describing the awesome relationship I have with him and all the ways he's such a great Dad. I won't waste my time here and repeat what's already been said- I'll just re-instate that I truly enjoy his company and all of our trips for coffee, concerts, time spent gaming, shared sense of music, shared sense of humor, time spent watching anime, and even his memes. Instead of finishing up this post with more repetition... here is a slideshow to sum things up. Today is Daddy's birthday. He is 51. I have said Happy birthday 3 times now. I gave him a piece of paper that had 3 hearts on it. I also got to wear a ponytail.
This is the first time I will get to wear one of my new hair styles. I am having a party for Dad today. I waited far too long for this. Just like I did for my birthday. Happy birthday Daddy. Ashleigh One nice day I was bored. So I asked Maddie if she would like to take a walk with me. She said yes. So after the walk she asked if I would like to bake with her. I also said yes.
So After that I said would you like to have a sleep over in my room tonight. And she still said yes. So the next morning I asked maddie if she would like to eat with me. And she said yes. So after that we colored a pretty picture, and had a happy day. Ashleigh I just finished reading a post my dad recently wrote about teaching your children- while also teaching yourself. I liked it a lot because he's absolutely right- a lot of who I am is based off of who he is since he's the most influential person in my life. In fact, most of my personality surrounds how I've been raised and I wanted to take this post to bullet point the things that make me who I am- that I've inherited from my dad.
* My sense of humor. While my dad does tend to lean more on puns and movie lines than I do, the distorted reflection has left me with quoting Internet memes to amuse my friends and dry sarcasm paired with strong opinions. * Logic. Oh god, logic. Something I didn't fully grasp and still wouldn't say I've entirely grasped until recently, but a vital piece of my personality that my dad taught me. However, I am more emotional than my dad since if someone fails to see logic the first time; I get annoyed. * Peace over power. While primarily taught by karate, my dad has really instilled this little saying into me so that it is a part of who I am. As a martial artist you are taught to never start fights, only finish them- and I try to apply this mantra wherever I can in my life. * It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder... essentially, raise your words and not your voice. Volume will not win you any arguments, so it's better to avoid yelling altogether. While I'm still struggling a little with this; for the most part I'm level headed when it comes to arguing. * It's the little things that count. This needs no elaboration really... it is what it is. My dad has given me a deep appreciation for the small things in life, particularly in nature. * Noticing everything. I'm extremely observant, something I've learned from my dad over time. Going back to humor, most of my dad's revolves around noticing things going on around him and turning them into jokes. To understand his humor, I learned to be observant and it now aids me in my humor as well. * "Colorful" language... my dad mentioned this in his post, but my language is also inherited from him. Can't be from anywhere else really; everyone else in my family is against it! While I know there are far more ways I'm similar to my dad; these are some of the main ones. I've also inherited an awesome taste in music from my dad- something that didn't need to be on the bullet list, but that I definitely appreciate! It's nice to have a dad who enjoys heavy metal concerts as much as I do. Thank you dad- for everything. - maddie "If there is anything we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could be better changed in ourselves." That is a quote by Carl Jung. Jung was the founder of analytical psychology. He was a firm believer in individuation. One of the unique things about Jung is that at a very early age he believed he had two personalities. One was that of your typical Swiss school boy at the time, while the other was that of a dignified, authoritative and influential man from the past. This belief would go on to influence much of his groundbreaking future work.
Getting back to Jung's quote, I think he is correct. Oftentimes, although not always, our children are like mirrors of ourselves. While we all recognize that to some extent, it is when we see a perceived flaw that we try to get the child to change it. A good example of this can be found at my house.My Mom is constantly haranguing Maddie about the neatness of her room. She wonders why she just won't keep her room clean. Remember, a reflection is not an exact duplicate of the original. Mirrors have a tendency to distort some details... writing, for example, will look backwards in a mirror. And so it is with our children! Maddie's room is indeed a mess at most times. Although my room is usually neat, my desk is a disaster area. There's the distortion! Take it out one generation further, and my Mom's room is a mess! So my Mom subconsciously wants to fix a flaw in Maddie that she inadvertently sees in herself. She will often try to enlist me into the fray by having me tell Maddie to clean her room. Is the dirty room the only similarity I can see? No. There are many examples. To stay on neatness for a moment, we all have areas outside of our own personal space where we generate our own messy kind of comfort. For me, it is the garage, where I am constantly battling to clear up the clutter. For Maddie, the library has become her own personal girl cave. My reading chair seems to have molded itself to her shape and the side table always seems covered in her soda bottles and notes for school projects. Meanwhile, the basement has been taken over by my Mom's stuff and the kitchen island seems to have become the final resting place for much of her mail and notes. Even Ashleigh has her own special messy place in the living room! Lately, the dining room table also seems to be collecting a lot of Ashleigh's school supplies and coloring books. From the use of colorful language, to the quest for coffee and a mild form of procrastination, everything I see in my daughters I can also see in myself. To different degrees certainly, but they are still there. We all have different things that annoy us. While I do get on my daughters to curb their more egregious behavior, I also try to see where it is coming from and correct that as well. Oftentimes, the example they are emulating is me (but not always). Finally, with my daughters I try to lead by example. There are three old sayings that I try to remember always. These are: "People in glass houses should not throw stones."; "Those who say it can't be done, should get out of the way of those who are doing it." and "Do as I do, is a much better teacher than do as I say." Before I launch into my opinion of this phrase... I'd like to clear up a lot of the misunderstandings that surround it. The first time I heard this phrase, I believe I was 8 or 9 and my dad was explaining to me that my family would always be there for me and love me, etc. etc.... and how friends can't always be as trusted. It's an unpopular opinion for the generations that came before me, but I don't stand by the belief that family bonds have to be stronger than friendship. That aside... this is where the misunderstanding of the phrase comes in.
Many people take it as an indicator that family bonds are stronger than mere friendship because of blood ties; but the quote that this saying is derived from is actually "the blood of the covenant is stronger than the water of the womb". It actually means that blood shed in battle would bond soldiers closer than simple genetics... and thus; the quote actually means opposite of what most people will take it as. I'll continue my unpopular opinion. I don't believe that family ties are stronger than friendships at all, in most cases. I am pretty sure I've said this before in previous posts; but if I haven't then I'll re-iterate here. I treat everyone with an equal amount of respect that they deserve until they give me a reason to show them more... or to show them less. Treat others as you wish to be treated; but don't forget to also treat others as they have treated you. Since I live by peace over power, I do try to contain myself a bit from "treating others as they treat me". The psychological damage that some have inflicted onto me is far more than I think I could ever do to anyone regardless of what they had done to me... simply because that's not how I am. I'm a lover, not a fighter... despite popular opinion. To get back to the quote, I have family who I haven't spoken to in years. I have family who make no effort to stay in touch with me... or anyone else. I have family who I've never met and I have family who haven't said more than a few words to me out of obligation. I have family who would sooner argue and gossip about me than have my back if I were to fall. On the other side of the coin; I also have family who I have good relationships with! In fact, the portion of you I'm close with are probably reading this blog post; you know who you are... so I thank you for maintaining a relationship with me and for being there for me. Thank you for the love and support with all that has happened over the years. On the friends side of things, I have many friends who I would consider far closer to me than 95% of my family. I have friends who know me inside out and who I would trust with my life; and I cannot say the same for everyone I'm related to. I don't know. Just because we have blood ties doesn't make you any more or less of a person to me. Your character should speak for itself. Regardless of anything else. "I don't care about whose DNA has re-combined with whose. When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching- they are your family." - Maddie "In spite of illness, in spite even of the archenemy sorrow, one can remain alive long past the usual date of disintegration if one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things, and happy in small ways." That mouthful was by Edith Wharton. And although it seems to be a long run-on sentence, I love that she got it exactly right, in my opinion!
Edith Wharton was an American writer who wrote "The Age Of Innocence" among other things. She actually became the first woman to win a Pulitzer prize (in 1921) due to this book. In my opinion, Wharton was a woman ahead of her time. Amazingly, she did not publish her first novel until she was 40! By the time she passed away, in 1937 she had written fifteen novels, seven novellas, and eighty-five short stories. She had published poetry, books on design, travel, literary and cultural criticism, as well as a memoir. Getting back to her quote, I like that she defines living by what she does and not by what she has. Illness and sorrow are facts of life in everyone's lives. She does not allow them to define her, however. Instead, she defines her life by her reasons for living! Ms. Wharton was not afraid of change. Her first husband had a mental illness that led to a radical change in how she had wanted to live her life. She tried to make the best of it, but after 28 years, once the doctors said that their was no longer hope to change his condition, she left to start her second life. She was 51 years old at this point! She traveled, wrote, and learned... She became happy in spite of what had happened during the "best" years of her life. I have often quoted Spock (who was likely quoting someone else) that the only constant is change. Edith is so right in saying not to be afraid of change. Not all change is bad... it is just different to what you are used to. Embrace the change, and make it your own. Always be open to learning new things. Nothing is sadder than seeing a person who decides that they know enough, and actively decides to no longer learn new things. We have all heard the saying "life has passed her by." Don't let this happen to you! Technological change has been happening at a rapid pace for over 75 years. If you fail to embrace this change, you are setting yourself up for a pretty rough go of things. Imagine if you still had to get around by horse and buggy... simply because you didn't want to learn how to drive a car! Look for small changes you can make in your life every day, and try them. The things you don't find useful, discard. Those things that show a definite benefit to you should be added to your life. Finally, find happiness in small ways. Don't look for what is wrong with your friends and family members, but what is right with them! Look for those small things that make them unique, and make you happy. It is easy to find fault in others. Constantly pointing it out doesn't make you superior, or happy. It makes you a nag. Be a person that inspires others, not the type that repels them. Remember, people are led by example, not by nagging or coercion. People in glass houses should not throw stones. And finally, remember what Jesus said to the Pharisees when they brought an adulterer to him and asked whether she should be stoned to death. He said: “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her” Before you cast guilt on another, think about what Jesus was trying to say in the above verse. Then honestly answer these two questions: "Do I live my faith? Or "Do I use it as a shield to protect me from what I disagree with?" I know I have drifted a bit away from the spirit of the above quote, but this post is meant for two people in my life... not just one. Because there is a second side to the coin, and an additional lesson, which again, can be found in the bible. This answer can be found in Proverbs. The question is how should you react to a person who may have strayed away from living their faith? The Proverbs make it clear: "Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest you also be like to him..." Take this post for what it's worth. I think there are many lessons here. Both from the original quote, and from the verses I have quoted above. I think the two I am speaking to in the final four paragraphs should be able to recognize themselves from the described behavior. If not, feel free to ask me, and I will tell you whether I was thinking of you or not. Finally, if I was not speaking to you, yet you feel the need to ask me, then what is important is that you thought I was speaking to you, and thus you need to change your behavior. Have a good night, folks. The following post isn't written by me. In fact, I've found it on Tumblr before- and over the course of the past two weeks it has crossed my dashboard 6 times. Due to this factor, I've decided to post it below... along with the fact that I happen to agree with its message very strongly and it's something I'm very passionate about spreading awareness to.
"I hate alcohol. I hate that it takes control away from those who choose to drink it. I hate that it makes people lose their inhibitions and do things that they never would have done otherwise, go places they never would have gone otherwise, and let people do things to them that will scar them for the rest of their lives. I hate that everyone assumes that if they only drink in moderation it will not affect them. I hate that they don’t realize that it will affect them. Can’t they see that ninety percent of alcoholics started by “drinking in moderation”. I hate that so many of these people never realized that they were no longer drinking in moderation until they ruined their lives, or until they ruined somebody else’s life. I hate that you think that you are only drinking in moderation and that everything will be okay. I hate that those who make the well-thought-out and wise decision to stay away from alcohol are ridiculed and scorned by those who don’t understand that life can be even more fun, relationships more rewarding, and intelligence better fostered without the false promises that alcohol offers. I hate that it has cost us as a society untold billions and trillions in lost wages, and productivity and lives. I hate that it has cost untold millions of lost relationships and lost innocence. I hate that people end up in the Emergency Room because they were driving home to their families and singing along to the radio when out of nowhere somebody locked in the trance of alcohol runs into their car. I hate that wives and even husbands end up in the Emergency Room because they have been abused by spouses who have been drinking again. I hate that children end up in the Emergency Room because they have been abused by parents who have been drinking again. I hate that most of the people who will read this post will be trying to come up with reasons why I am wrong and why alcohol isn’t that bad. I hope that someday we will be able to be honest as a society and let go of the crutch that is alcohol. I hope that someday we will embrace life and learn to love it as it comes to us, without the mind-deadening effects of alcohol, without the body-rotting diseases that come along for the ride, and without the fear and pain and embarrassment that follow behind. I hope that maybe one person who reads this post will stop long enough to truly ponder what I am saying and give up alcohol for a better life." I love this post so much. It contains so much wisdom that so few people understand... and I wish that more did. I lost my mom to alcoholism 3 years ago; and for the 4 years leading up to her death I stood witness to the effects of alcohol. I watched it not only destroy my mom, but I watched it destroy my family. I watched it rip apart trust and to some extent; love. Alcohol terrifies me for how much it can manipulate and control the mind... how harmful it is, and how it's disguised and sold as a social lubricant. I don't know who is responsible for the post above, but if by chance they ever read this post- thank you so much for putting into words what I cannot express. - Maddie A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about the things adults don't remember from childhood and one post was purely comprised of quotes. One of the quotes I used was actually from a tumblr post, and it was as follows: "Sometimes people use “respect” to mean “treating someone like a person” and sometimes they use “respect” to mean “treating someone like an authority” and sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say “if you won’t respect me I won’t respect you” and they mean “if you won’t treat me like an authority I won’t treat you like a person” and they think they’re being fair but they aren’t, and it’s not okay." In any case, tonight before I go to bed (and by that, I mean before I drag my dad off to play video games with me) I'd like to just touch upon my opinion of respect. It won't be so much paragraphs as a short bullet list. I've been uninspired all day and while that's really no excuse, what I have to say is simple and needs no real elaboration. Take it as you will.
"There comes a time to stop crossing oceans for those who wouldn't jump a puddle for you." A writer that I read daily wrote something that got me thinking today. He wrote "I want to know why you got separated from your spouse. People always say, “It was amicable.” No it wasn’t. Don’t lie. Tell me. Please." Funny that this line hit so close to home for me, since he wasn't really writing about relationships. He was writing about his curiosity and just giving an example of what he finds interesting sometimes.
His name is James Altucher, and he regularly lays his thoughts out for all to see. He writes about the good things in his life and the bad, but his writing usually has a point to it. I like that. Well, his quote above got me thinking because after I got my divorce I sometimes told people I didn't know well that our divorce was amicable... It wasn't really. And so, without further ado, I'll tell the story. My wife and I got a divorce in 2011. In a nutshell, our divorce was caused by addiction. My wife and I first started dating in July, 1999. She was 23 and I was 33. We had known each other for a few months prior to starting dating. She had been married, but her husband had died. We started chatting at a party and when we started talking she told me he had died a couple of months prior. We really hit it off and started dating soon after. About two weeks after we started dating, Sharon told me she was an alcoholic and asked me to help her stop. I gave up drinking on that day, and have not had another drink since. My wife, on the other hand, was never able to give up alcohol for any great length of time. In fact, her longest time sober was when my first daughter was born. She stopped for about two years then... the nine months during the pregnancy and an additional 18 months while she was breast feeding. Soon after, her parents came from England to visit her and the stress of the visit, coupled with depression started her drinking again. Over the years, we went to AA meetings, in-patient re-habs, outpatient programs, Psychiatrists psychologists, and to numerous social workers. None of them could do it for her, and she just couldn't do it for herself. Sharon was a sneak drinker, and Madison was young, so she never realized that her mommy had a problem in the early years. By age seven, this was changing. (I worked from home on and off starting in 2001, and then started my own business in 2003, so I was home to make sure Maddie was safe.) Sharon was not a social drinker and had a tendency to drink quickly but heavily when no one was around to see her. She was very hard to catch, and only regular sweeps of our house and property kept some sort of limit on her drinking. Her tolerance was very high, and she could go for long periods where she fooled me into thinking she was sober. Even so, Maddie knew from a very early age that she was not allowed to drive with Mommy. Daddy did the driving whenever Maddie was going out with us. But I digress. In 2009, Sharon and I decided to have another baby. Sharon's drinking had been getting progressively worse and she thought that she would stop if she got pregnant. Maddie was seven, and by this time she already knew about Mommy's drinking problem. Sharon started lying about the drinking to Maddie, something she never thought she would do. It scared her, and she thought that the pregnancy would force her to stop since she would never willingly drink with a baby inside her. Unfortunately, she was unable to stop. At one point, she was found unconscious in the parking lot at our dojo, and we called an ambulance for her. Believe it or not, we thought it was anemia having to do with the pregnancy. In fact, the doctor at the emergency room actually said that is what it was. After speaking to her at the hospital, though, I began to suspect that she had been drinking and I told the nurse to tell the doctor that she was an alcoholic and that I believe she had been drinking. He tested her blood alcohol content and found she had a .42! This is well above the legal limit of .08. The doctor was stunned. He had had a conversation with Sharon and she had been coherent, so he never even thought to check her for alcohol use. He was astounded that she could even talk at that level of inebriation. At that time, he told me he couldn't tell me if there had been any damage to the fetus, but he thought that it was likely. I was crushed! After that Sharon was charged with drunk driving and I plea bargained with the DA before her court appearance. I told him to tell the judge that I would have her plead guilty and that I would pay all fines at the maximum rate as long as he court-ordered that she enter an in-patient rehab facility. Sharon would never willingly go for an in-house program. In fact, I could barely get her to go to an AA meeting. She was 7-months pregnant and I figured that an inpatient program was the safest thing for the baby. The judge did even better than that. Not only did he court order the in-patient program (and take her license) but he lowered her fines to the minimum that he could, since I was paying for the in-patient program out of my pocket. Sharon entered a program at Phoenix House in Keene. She did well, and it ended about two weeks before she was due to give birth. Unfortunately, Sharon got drunk again on the first night she was back and fell and broke her ankle. I had swept the house and knew it was clean. She had somehow gotten alcohol in Keene and brought it back with her in her bags from the in-patient facility. The doctor recommended that she have a cesarean birth the next day, to help protect the baby. Ashleigh was born on January 18, 2010, two weeks premature and suffering from alcohol withdrawal. She spent the first nine hours of her life in an oxygen tent. At that point, I felt Sharon was too dangerous to be around the girls and I pressed child neglect charges against her. I brought Ashleigh home alone when she was four days old, and I have raised her and Maddie ever since. At that point, I had no intention of divorcing my wife. Sharon went back into in-house therapy, and we tried to get her drinking under control. At one point, (in July) the courts allowed Sharon to come back to live in our home, but she quickly began drinking again. One night, when I called the police to help me with Sharon, (she eventually passed out right in front of the police man), he recommended that I go in the morning and get an ex-parte separation. This would allow me to continue to live in the home, while limiting her access to it. Without that, the police could not remove her from the home since she was legally allowed to live there and drink. I had her taken to the emergency room that night, and first thing in the morning I hired a lawyer and got an exparte separation. Given the circumstances (the child neglect charges, the history of alcoholism and alcohol related arrests, we were only in front of the judge for five minutes. In all, Sharon's stay in our home lasted about three weeks. We paid for a one-bedroom apartment for Sharon and we continued to see doctors and social workers to try and get her to stop drinking. It was at this point, that one of the psychologists told us that Sharon was actually suffering from Addictive personality disorder. (Sharon had eating disorders that we were trying to deal with and other things as well. After ten years of seeing doctors and psychologists, one finally hit on the fact that all of her compulsions were tied together. Sharon continued to drink and I eventually filed for divorce. Of course, there were other things impacting that decision. It's just none of your business. Two years after our divorce, Sharon drank herself to death. She developed esophageal varacies in 2011, continued to drink. After a two week stay in the hospital in a coma, her life support was removed and she died in my arms. Of course, there is more to the story than that. I write about Sharon from time to time. If you look through the archives, you can likely piece together a lot of the story. Some things I just won't or can't write about though. Sometimes, I wish I didn't know... and sometimes, it is better not to know. So, while the divorce wasn't amicable, in time, we both realized that it was the best thing for our girls. Sometimes we need to think about things other than ourselves. Sharon missed our daughters dearly when she was away from them. But because she could not stop her drinking, it was safest that she did not live with us. With that said, our divorce led to a lot of heartbreak, but was the best thing for our daughters. Now that I have written this, I think it is just best to say that our divorce was painful, and just leave it at that. "Good habits formed at youth make all the difference." That's a quote by Aristotle. If you do not know who he is, then you should stop reading this blog right now and go look him up. I think you will find his thoughts and writing well worth reading!
To get back to his quote, I must say I agree with it 100%. I honestly try to encourage good habits in my daughters now, while they are young, so that they will have a basis for living a good, productive, healthy interesting life. Would you like a couple of examples? Well, for starters, take this blog. Each day, my daughters are supposed to write a post about any topic they like. I want my daughters to be able to write well, and to be able to express themselves on any topic that they would like. Wishing this for my daughters is not enough. They need to practice this skill while they are young, so that it can come naturally for them later on. Let's face it, nearly every high-paying job out there has some writing involved with it. Lawyers, doctors, engineers, analysts, TV personalities or politicians all need to have the ability to write AND be understood. Entrepreneurs also need to be able to write. Whether it is for marketing, new proposals, or even just for thank you letters to an important client. Having a child write a little something every day just makes a lot of sense! Practicing karate is another thing that I have tried to make a habit for my girls. Training in the martial arts helps kids in so many ways. To start, the training helps them to develop physically, mentally and socially. The workouts are designed to help them to develop strength and stamina. Moreover, large motor skills, such as kicking and punching aid in the development of coordination and balance. Our school has five rules that both the adults and the children are expected to follow. In a nutshell, these are: Effort, Etiquette, Sincerity, Character, and Self Control. I am not going to go into detail about them here. (If anyone is interested, I wrote an article on the Bushido Code. You can read it here, although I used it for a marketing piece for my business at that time.) Suffice it to say that these rules help to develop self-discipline and confidence. I have also found that my daughters' attention spans have increased and their listening skills have improved. Both of my daughters started training at the age of three. Madison, my oldest daughter, is now a second-degree black belt. Training has become a way of life for her. It is a part of her. Ashleigh, is now a purple belt. She is participating in her first full tournament season this year. So far, she has won two trophies. She is optimistic that she will win more trophies this weekend. She has been practicing hard at the dojo and at home. Regardless how she does, I am proud of her. The girls also cultivate their own habits over time. I try to encourage there interest in the things they choose as well. If you have kids, cultivate good habits in them now. As a parent, it is our job to teach them. It is not the school's job... it is yours. Happiness is a habit. Teach your children to develop that habit. Healthy habits help to lead to a happy life. Help your children to develop habits that will serve them well for a lifetime. "“A lot of people get so hung up on what they can't have that they don't think for a second about whether they really want it.” That's a quote by Lionel Shriver. Believe it or not, Lionel is a woman. She was a tomboy when she was younger and decided to change her name from Margaret to Lionel because she thought the more masculine name was more fitting for her.
Not much for me to say about Lionel, I have never read any of her material and I didn't know she existed until I read her quote. I liked the quote, though, and it got me thinking. I get hung up sometimes... not so much about what I can't have, but what might have been...which I guess IS the same thing after all. A lot of times, I will be sitting around working or listening to music, and something will inevitably remind me of my wife. A memory will be triggered and I will feel a deep well of sadness as I think of the good times we had at one time or another, and then I miss her. At those times, I fail to remember the problems we had and how her illness impacted the entire family. It's the second part of the quote that really got me to thinking tonight. I heard a song and thought of my wife and really missed her. Then I read the quote and I thought "if my wife was still alive, would I be having those feelings right now?" And to be honest, the answer was no. Not because I didn't love my wife, or because I no longer love her, but because before my wife died, I had divorced her to protect my daughters. My wife's alcoholism was out of control (it ended up killing her) and she could not be around my children without another adult present. I brought my youngest daughter, Ashleigh, home from the hospital when she was four days old, and I have raised her on my own until my Mom came to live with us in 2013. My wife spent some of that time in and out of rehab facilities, but mainly was out on her own drinking. Don't get me wrong, my wife loved our daughters. She was just not physically or mentally able to stop her addiction until it eventually took her life. She died of esophageal varices. Scarring, or cirrhosis of the liver is the most common cause of esophageal varices. This scarring cuts down on blood flowing through the liver. As a result, more blood flows through the veins of the esophagus. The extra blood flow causes the veins in the esophagus to balloon outward. Heavy bleeding can occur if the veins break open. Well, Sharon's veins broke open on at least two occasions. The second one that I know of killed her. Sharon already had a damaged liver when we met in 1999. She died in 2013. Ashleigh was born in January, 2010. Sharon's descent into oblivion really rolled into place in 2009, soon after she had become pregnant with Ashleigh. She couldn't stop drinking during the pregnancy. Although this likely sounds hollow, I did not know the extent of Sharon's drinking and its impact on her until she was already pregnant with Ashleigh. I knew she had still been drinking before we decided to have a second child, but she believed that the pregnancy would force her to quit again, as she did when she was pregnant with Madison. Unfortunately, this time she couldn't do it. To protect the baby, we put Sharon into an in-house rehab program at Phoenix House in Keene while she was pregnant to help keep her sober during her pregnancy. She completed the program, but started drinking immediately after she came out of the program, about two weeks prior to when she was to give birth to Ashleigh. She got drunk and broke her ankle on the first night she was home from the rehab. She had gotten the booze in Keene prior to me picking her up at the rehab facility. When we got home, I never thought to look in her bag she had brought from the facility since I picked her up from the facility, and brought her directly home. My daughter was born two weeks premature and with alcohol withdrawal. They sent me home with her at four days old. She was underweight, and needed to be fed every half an hour for the first two weeks of her life. Somehow, I did it while looking for a nanny to help me with the baby, while also taking care of Madison who was eight, and still somehow doing some work for my business. I literally had no sleep for the first four days. On day four, one of the travelling nurses who visited me to make sure the baby was doing okay, called me back that afternoon and offered to watch the girls for me in my house, while I caught some sleep. She came over, and I slept for eight hours. To this day, I still believe that angels sometimes walk among us, and come to help us in our hour of need. Soon after, I hired a nanny and things improved a little bit. For the next three years, my daughters and I struggled with Sharon's illness, I don't want to go into what we all went through. (By all I include Sharon, because she was suffering as well. She was ill, and she was missing her little girls. The emptiness only added to the stresses that triggered her drinking.) Looking back now, it seems like our days were filled with policemen, ambulances, hospitals, lawyers, doctor's visits, court visits, and of course, drunken interludes by Sharon. To this day, when an ambulance passes us in either Rindge or Jaffrey Maddie and I look at each other. When Sharon was alive, we looked at each other because we wondered if it was Mom being brought to the hospital again (oftentimes, it was). Now, we just look at each other just to silently say we remember. I can no longer see an ambulance without thinking of my wife... even though she has now been dead for three years. So anyway, what about the quote? When the song played tonight, and I thought about my wife, I realize that she is dead and can't come back. I recognize that, yet I still remember our good memories. The bad ones I mentioned above, I try not to think of any more. Yet soon after those good memories hit, I read the above quote and I thought: "If Sharon could come back, just the way she was, would you want her to come back?" And my answer to myself was no, I wouldn't. Because although I have a tendency to remember our good times together, if I think deeper, I remember all of the unhealthy things that my daughters saw and experienced. And I would never want to expose them to that again! Ashleigh was very young then, and barely remembers her Mom. She did not understand any of the bad things that went on, and I'd like to keep it that way until she is older, and inevitably asks me about her Mom. Maddie does remember, though, and I never want to expose her to anything so tragic and psychologically damaging again. To wit, be careful what you sometimes long for, because not everything you might want or miss is good for you or your loved ones around you. Sorry for the long, weird post... But it's what was going through my mind tonight, and sometimes I need to think out an explanation for myself. "Accept no one's definition of your life; Define yourself." That's a quote by Harvey Fierstein. So who is Harvey Fierstein? Glad you asked! Harvey is a Tony Award winning actor, best known for his work in Hairspray and Torch Song Trilogy. I have seen neither, to be honest, but that is who he is.
Harvey has a hell of a quote here though, and I wish that both of my daughters will follow his advice. To be happy, you truly must live for yourself and do what you believe will make you happy. While money isn't everything, recognize that it helps to have some money, so try and find something that will make you happy, while still giving you the ability to bring home the bacon... or at a minimum some ham and eggs. No matter how you decide to define yourself, if you work hard, you should be able to reach your goals. Remember, the best paths are not always straight and narrow. Sometimes you may have to leave the well-worn path and strike out on your own in a new direction. Do this, but have an idea of where you want to go beforehand. When I started my own business, I knew I wanted to work from home and spend more time with my children. I created a business that achieved my goals, while also allowing me to do what I loved to do. After my wife and I separated due to her illness, my business could no longer survive in its current form since I had to little girls to raise on my own... one of them being a baby. Something had to change. Slowly I changed things in my life to allow me to continue to follow my path. I struggled for many years as I brought in nannies to help me to raise the children and did what I could to help Sharon fight her addictions and get on with her life. My solutions were not enough, though, and my situation remained untenable. After letting the nannies go, I spent about a year with no income coming in, while I took care of my daughters and looked for solutions. My Mom came to live with us in 2013 after my father died, and her help was enough to allow me to regain a client. All of the work was "in-house" however, and I could not use those reports to gain new clients. I was between a rock and a hard place. The money coming in was enough to pay the bills, but was not enough to rebuild the business. After a year and a half of living off of retirement savings, I needed the income to keep afloat. My divorce was amicable, but costly and with the drain on my savings, I was not in a position to drop the client who was supplying me with the in-house work, and look for clients where my reports were marketable for all. Finally, in 2014, I decided to put my business on hold and go back to corporate work. Although I no longer run my own business, I still work from home daily, and I can still raise my girls and home school them during the day. In the end, is it your work that defines you? Or something else in your life? For me, it is something else. When people ask me now, I tell them I am an analyst, or a writer, for I am both. At the same time I am a teacher and a Father, and a Sensei. Hopefully, I am also a good friend to some, a good brother and a good son to others. For my daughters, I know I am a good Father. And in the end, THAT is how I define myself. Neema's Birthday is in April. She will be so surprised. She will be 78. I will give her a big
hug. I love, love, love, love her. Ashleigh I love having Parties. I throw a lot of parties. Today I'm having a party. It's an Easter party
It will include finding Easter eggs. My Dad and Neema usually come to my parties. Ashleigh My Dad takes me to the movies a lot. Daddy likes to play Wizard 101 with me. Maddie
is my sister. She likes to talk to her friends. Neema is the sweetest little thing! Lucky is our dog. Ashleigh |
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