Guess what! I have a surprise for you. It's a snake! I saw a snake outside today and it made me scream! Daddy thinks it is either a milk snake, or a garder snake. I was not able to get a picture of it though, it happened too fast. It was very fast, but we scared each other and I ran away faster than a speeding bullet when I saw it. It was gray and black. Oh, and in case you are wondering, the picture above is of me and my TOY snake. Daddy won't let me touch a snake I find outside.
Ashleigh
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Today is my daughter Madison's 15th birthday. We had a laid back morning, and then she went out with one of her friends for a few hours in the afternoon. At six, we went out to Texas Roadhouse to celebrate. There were five of us tonight since Maddie's boyfriend was also invited. Instead of a long wordy post, here are some of my favorite pictures of Maddie over the years. Enjoy! Tomorrow I will be back with one of my proper rants. Maddie took this picture this morning 2015 Black belt Sparring Champ Happy birthday Munchkin! May you have many more!
My mom has been passed for 3 years now... it's crazy to think that I was only 11 when everything happened so fast. Before my mom died, she taught me a lot about being a good person- and I've found she's taught me a lot more since her passing. This post isn't going to be long, or drawn out. It's simply going to be the wisdom I've learned from my mom. Enjoy... hopefully you can incorporate some of this into your own life.
Before Don't judge others based on appearance. Give people a chance and get to know them for who they are. Be kind and accepting. A nice word goes a long way and sometimes you'll never realize the impact you have on someone. Don't see every situation as being the worst. Try to find the good in everything, no matter how bad it may seem. Try your best at whatever you do. Treat others how you would want to be treated. Be honest. After... Don't ever take anything for granted. You never know when you can lose it. You don't know what you have until it's gone. Never hesitate in telling someone how you really feel about them because you DO NOT KNOW how long you have left to do so. Never go to bed angry with someone you care about. Don't waste your time foolishly. If you need help, don't be afraid to ask for it. However... no one can help you if you won't help yourself. Don't blame yourself for the mistakes of others. Choices you make now will affect your future whether you're conscious of it or not. In the end, love is all there is. "And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure if the storm is really over. But one thing is certain- when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in. That's what this storm's all about." - maddie Today's blog post is going to be a bit different than usual; because I'm writing it while I'm out and without a real set topic!!! I have a lot to get done today before my friend comes over, so I figured I'd write this before I even got back to the house so I wouldn't have to deal with TOO much stress. I still have some algebra, another post, AND my vacuuming to take care of.
However, my caffeine addiction knows no bounds and even with this heavy schedule I still asked my dad to take me out for our routine cup of coffee during the day. I really enjoy the coffee; but more than the coffee I enjoy the time spent in the truck with my dad talking about whatever we happen to come up with. Usually, we end up talking about life or some such engrossing topic- in fact; we just started talking about how life could possibly be a computer simulation!!! Talks like these are why my dad and I are so close. He doesn't have any real limits and he never "grew up" in the ways that DON'T matter- so he doesn't mind talking about whatever and making jokes with me. It's pretty awesome, to be honest. I feel like most people say that they "never grew up", but so many say it without knowing what it means. How close are you to your kids, if you have them? Can you relate to them and help them and talk about the world with them? Or would you rather blame them for your own mistakes and categorize them into the generation they were born without choice into. My dad can not only level with me on most things; but he tries to take interest in the things that I'm interested in as well. Hell, he even took up karate to help me train when I was 7; never knowing that he'd enjoy it! He's now a second degree black belt and a sensei. Aside from that; he also hikes with me and my sister, plays xbox with us, watches anime with me, and even tries to fit in with "meme" culture (which can be a mix of embarrassing and amusing to me). He's a great dad and he has a great connection with me... and in today's world, I couldn't be more thankful. - maddie I am in an odd mood tonight. Although I was going to do a post on our weekend hikes, Maddie beat me to it. Next I was going to do a post on the existence of God and give a couple of different theories I read recently... but I am too tired and it is past midnight and the caffeine is starting to fade. Thus, I will do this post about ten things that most people don't know about me. Earlier, Maddie and I were having a discussion in the car (That is Maddie and Me above, though the picture is not from today) and the topic came up that there were likely few things that absolutely no one knew about us, although there were likely lots of things that few people knew about us. While the two things are similar, they are not the same thing. Thus, I started thinking: What things did not many people know about me, but that at least a few people knew about me? I noticed that it really depended on "when" I knew the person. Someone who knew me when I was a kid, likely knew different things about me than say people who I worked with at Merrill. Meanwhile, both of these groups likely knew certain things about me that people who I meet with socially now have no clue about. Thus, without further ado... Here are ten things that I think many people won't know about me. Some will know some of them, one or two will know most of them, but other than my sister, I don't think any will know all of them. Note, none of these things are going to be really earth shattering. In fact, I am going to try and keep this post on the light side. Only one or two of these things will really carry any weight. Let's see if you can figure out which ones.
8. I am a big fan of blues music, and I once saw Junior Wells perform at Manny's Car Wash in New York. Manny's closed down years ago, but the memories remain! RIP Junior! 9. I love to read poetry and I have written some of my own as well. 10. I am an introvert, although most people who meet me think I am an extrovert. I guess I fooled them! Well, there are ten things that you may not have known about me! Two bonus things would be that I used to smoke cigars, but gave them up (Thanks Maddie!), and that when I was younger I used to work as a messenger in New York city. Last night Maddie and I went to Xfinity Center in Mansfield, Massachusetts to see the Return of The Dreads tour featuring Korn, Rob Zombie and In This Moment. This was a great show and I'm glad we went. The picture above shows lighters and phones ablaze for Rob Zombie as the crowd cheered for an encore. We had good seats for the show, and all three bands rocked hard and loud. In This MomentIn This Moment opened the show and did a much better job than they did the last time we saw them. In fact, I jokingly told Maddie "here comes the buzz kill" as the band was just starting to take the stage. I did not say that because of how the band plays their songs... In This Moment is an edgy heavy metal act that rocks hard. The problem is that the lead singer likes to change her outfits between every song. The last time we saw them, they were the second of four bands. From Ashes To New had really gotten the crowd going as the opening act, and In This Moment came out and really killed the momentum by having stops between their songs that sometimes lasted up to three minutes! There was no filler to keep the crowd interested, and the crowd got quiet and sat down. At the end of From Ashes To New's set everyone had been up and out of their seats. Last night, the band did a better job, though. The lull between songs was taken up by taped portions by the band that set the stage for the beginning of the next song. Costume changes were also done quicker so that the stoppages were not as noticeable. Altogether, the band did a better job this time around, although I must admit they remained my least favorite of the three. They were my least favorite out of four bands last time! Rob ZombieI gotta admit I went into the show with high expectations for Rob Zombie. His music is very heavy metal and it usually has bizarre subject matter. His videos are also a bit out there. Well, I must say that he lived up to my expectations! Not only was his show high energy, but he really had a knack for getting the crowd involved with the show! At one point, he walked out into the crowd and made it out to the middle mezzanine area. I think he would have walked out to the grass seats if he could have found his way through. The whole time he was walking around, the lead guitarist, John 5, was doing an awesome solo that ended with him doing a rendition of Jimi Hendrix' rendition of the Star Spangled Banner! John 5 has been lead guitarist for Rob Zombie for more than 10 years. Prior to that he had been lead guitarist for Marilyn Manson and for David Lee Roth. Man, was I impressed with his playing! Maddie had a video of him playing the star spangled banner, but it unfortunately got erased by Snapchat! Thanks a hell of a lot, Snapchat! I would have loved to put that piece up on the blog! One of the highlights of the entire show for me was when the band did their rendition of "We're An American Band" as their first encore song. It's an old Grand Funk Railroad tune, and these guys really rocked it! All said, I went into the show thinking that Korn was going to be my favorite act for the evening, but to be honest, I think Rob Zombie and his band clearly stole the show. Great job guys, I am definitely looking forward to seeing you guys again! KornI want to make it clear here that although I think that Rob Zombie and his band had the best set, in my opinion, Korn still really rocked the house! I have been listening to these guys for years. In fact, I remember Korn was a mainstay at the beach house where Sharon and I first started dating. I went into the show figuring Korn was going to be a shoo-in for my favorite set, and while they did not disappoint, I still can't get John 5's guitar solo out of my head, or We're An American Band. Thus, Korn takes a back seat here. Even so, I recognized a lot of the band's older stuff, and had a great time! Freak On A Leash and Narcissistic Cannibal were both well received by the crowd, while my personal favorites were Falling Away From Me, Twisted Transistor and Shoots And Ladders. Out of the three, Shoots And Ladders was the best! Oh, and Y'All Want A Single also was great. In fact, that song had the whole pavilion singing "Fuck that!" in unison. That was rather unique I must say!
All said, it was a great show and I highly recommend both Rob Zombie and Korn to any true metal heads out there... or anyone who really likes rocking shows! And finally, just looking at some of the freaks in the stands was well worth the price of admission! Literally people were walking around with zombie makeup. And some of the hair colors that we saw would make a rainbow blush. Good times! These final 3 "things" are not quotes, but thoughts of my own that I am choosing to bring forth without inspiration. These are the final 3 things that I believe so many adults have forgotten.
I'm not even going to mark these off with numbers. I believe that too many adults have forgotten the sensation of being young. Too many have forgotten the days where grades didn't matter as much as time spent with friends, and the times where young love seemed to be filled with hope. Too many have forgotten the rush of late nights and the thrill of adventures never told to parents. Too many of you have entirely forgotten that time when you're young is extremely precious. You only have ONE chance to be young, one chance to make your own mistakes. You're only given one chance to create the stories you will someday tell your children. You've forgotten that not all kids are horrible examples. Some of us are very innocent. Just because some of us make poor decisions... it doesn't define the rest of us. We don't all want to throw late-night parties or sneak out to get drunk and stoned. We don't all want to waste our lives pointlessly. Sometimes, when we hang out, we just want to laugh and enjoy each other's company- not do illegal things. Sometimes, we just want to talk shit about that ONE annoying person that no one likes. Sometimes, just sometimes- we just want to be allowed to sit outside at 3 am and watch the stars while talking with our close friends. Right now, I want every adult to close their eyes and for just one moment, let go of every adult thing about them. Just try to remember what things were like when you were a teenager- without any adult biases. What were your dreams and goals then? What did you want more than anything? What did your parents never know? What memories did you make to tell your kids and more importantly, what lessons did you learn to pass on? Don't even tell me in the comments. Just think about it. - Maddie Last night Maddie and I went to the Disturbed/Breaking Benjamin/Alter Bridge concert at Bank of New Hampshire Pavilion in Gilford, New Hampshire. We had a great time! We left in the early afternoon so that we wouldn't have to rush during the 2-plus hour trip to get there. After reaching our seats, we got a pleasant surprise. At first, we were a little disappointed with our seats since they did not match up with the seating chart that we used to buy them. They were further back than we anticipated. The map we used did not have a mosh pit, so all of the seats looked like they were one section closer than they really were. We decided to make the best of it and sat down at our seats about thirty minutes before the show was to begin. No one had sat in our row yet and there were only a few others sitting in the section around us. We just chatted for a bit, and watched people walk up the aisle and look for their seats. It was at this point that a man walked up to us and asked if we wanted better seats. He said two of his friends couldn't make the show and so he was just giving the tickets away. He said that the seats were better than what we had and that we could just have them. He gave me the tickets, and then walked away, he didn't wait to see if I would offer him any cash or anything. Well, Maddie and I took the tickets and started walking forward. At that point I hadn't really looked to see where the tickets were located... I figured I would just ask the usher. When we got to the usher, he looked up really excited and said, wow, you got great seats, these are the second row! I was stunned. We walked up to the second row, and the guy who gave us the tickets was there sitting in the seats he had given us. He looked up and said, "oh" I'm sorry, I gave you the wrong ones." Here are yours, and he handed me two other tickets. They were front row tickets! I said "these are for the front row, are you sure you don't want them? He looked at his friend and said "No, you guys take them and enjoy them!" And so we did! The tickets he gave us were the first row of seats above the mosh pit. (where people have standing room only). We were elevated a bit so that we could sit and our view was in line with the stage and we were above everyone's heads who were standing in the mosh pit. I just want to give a shout out to the generous man who literally made our night about one hundred times better than it was already setting up to be! Maddie has twice said that this was the best concert she had ever been to. The man seemed very happy that he had made us happy. After settling into our seats, I walked back to the man and offered to give him some cash for the tickets. He just smiled and said, "no, just enjoy your night. No money necessary." In the future, I hope that I can pay this act of generosity forward and give someone else a seat upgrade. I will likely never have front row tickets to give to someone, but I am sure I will have good seats, that will provide an upgrade for someone at some point. Alter BridgeThe opening band for the concert was Alter Bridge, a group I didn't know, but should have! Alter Bridge is made up of the three original members of Creed (two guitarists and the drummer) and Miles Kennedy as the lead singer. I love Creed, and was unaware that they had broken up, since they still tour on occasion. Alter Bridge has a harder, edgier sound than Creed, and Miles Kennedy definitely brings a lot of energy to the vocals (that's him in the red T-shirt). His voice actually reminds me of a young Bruce Dickinson, the leader singer for Iron Maiden. Needless to say, Alter Bridge really rocked, and I am really into the band. In fact, I am listening to them while I write this post. If you like heavy metal... or you like Creed, then you really need to go see this band! Moreover, for those of you who don't know, Miles Kennedy often works as the lead singer for Slash's group Slash.and the Conspirators. Breaking BenjaminAlthough better known than Alter Bridge, I did not think Breaking Benjamin did as good a set as the opening band! There were a couple of problems. To start, for the first couple of songs, you could barely hear the lead singer. The mike didn't seem to be working properly and the music overwhelmed the vocals. The second problem is that when you hear a number of their songs in succession, it becomes painfully obvious that they use the same beat and similar guitar riffs in nearly all of their songs! While what they played was okay, it seemed like they were a band that had gone stale. In fact, about halfway through their set, they did a cover of an old Nirvana song. While they did a good job with it, they did nothing to make the song their own. It was almost like they were trying to play it exactly like Nirvana played it, with no changes to make it unique. A very far cry from what Disturbed has done with Sound of Silence! DisturbedWhen Disturbed hit the stage, they brought down the house! These guys have been playing together for twenty years, and it shows. They play their songs with fervor, and really seem to enjoy what they are doing. The show we went to was their twentieth anniversary show to the day! They celebrated by playing the first song they ever recorded together. It ended up being the only song I didn't know out of all of the songs they played! Down With The Sickness, Sound of Silence, and Indestructible, were my three favorites from the set. When Disturbed did their version of Sound of Silence, they truly showed the difference between playing a cover and truly making the song their own. While the words remained the same, and the tempo was similar, that was about it, Lead singer David Draiman has such a powerful voice that he makes the original version sound as if it is being sung by two school girls. Don't get me wrong, I still like the original version too, it's just that side by side the meaning of the songs seems to get altered. And that is what doing a cover is all about. Taking something that is well known, and making it your own. Disturbed was successful with its cover, while Breaking Benjamin was not. All said, I believe the total show was well worth the money, and that if you are into heavy metal, then you will definitely enjoy seeing Disturbed and Alter Bridge. Breaking Benjamin... not so much unless they really begin to pick up their pace. The next show for us is Rob Zombie and Korn at the end of the month. In This Moment will be the opening act. I hope they can pick up their pace as well. They have good music and should be a great show, but the lead singer spends so much time on changing outfits that it throws off the tempo of the set. I was disappointed with them last time... I am hoping they fix it this time through.
The idea for this post came from a quote by Paulo Coelho. It's a long one, so I will break it out below. “Ester asked why people are sad. "That’s simple," says the old man. "They are the prisoners of their personal history. Everyone believes that the main aim in life is to follow a plan. They never ask if that plan is theirs or if it was created by another person. They accumulate experiences, memories, things, other people's ideas, and it is more than they can possibly cope with. And that is why they forget their dreams.” To be honest, I thought about this one for a little while before I decided to write about it. I think what the old man says has a lot of wisdom in it. To start, I do think that we all really do try to follow a plan for our lives. Whether it is a plan we created, or whether it was suggested by others doesn't really matter. We all have something we are trying to accomplish. I have a friend who buys new cars constantly. Why? I don't know. I think he may be trying to buy happiness... or self respect. I think he equates his standing in his social group with what car he drives. He is young yet, so I am curious to see how this little drama works out. What I find more interesting, is how did this "plan" for his spare cash come about? What drives him to buy different cars constantly? Is he a prisoner of his own personal history? For me, memories keep me prisoner. As I get along with my day, I will see or hear something that brings back a memory. When they are happy memories, I usually just smile or laugh. Sometimes, I will share them with my daughter if she is nearby because she is very perceptive and can always pick out when I am amused by something, even if I don't think I am showing it on my face. Lately, I have been happy that I have been insanely busy. The last week in July and the first week in August are typically a tough time for me. Sharon was in a coma for the last two weeks of July and then died on August 1, 2013. It will be the third anniversary of her death on Monday. Today was her birthday. She had just turned 38 when she died. For most of the people on the planet, these days are meaningless. I too, try to make them meaningless since my wife is now dead. I try not to think about these days, as anything special, and I try not to "feel" anything on these days. I fail miserably on those points, however. I seem to be a prisoner of my own personal memories. Each year, I try to chip away at the chains those days have on my soul, but I am barely successful.
Although I wonder if others have trouble coping with their pasts (whether at certain times of the year, or always), I know deep down that many do. I also wonder what dreams were put to the wayside because these people were/are prisoners of their pasts. I also wonder if I can answer honestly what dreams of my own have I put on a shelf due to my own mental wardens holding me prisoner in a prison that I created for myself. We all have dreams we have put to the side over the years. Personally, I wonder how many I have put to the side, not because they were not good ideas or were not worthy, but because of a wall I put up around my own beliefs... or because of my own past mistakes. Today, I was a prisoner to my dead wife's birthday. I stayed busy all day, trying to dig myself out of my prison. I almost made it. My tunnel seems to have collapsed, though, so here I am writing this post. For me, there is always tomorrow to start digging myself out again. Don't be a prisoner to your past folks. Follow your dreams, and if you don't currently have any... then make some! In the end, people regret what they don't do or try to do. Make some dreams... or even a bucket list. And then chase them "A person's actions will tell you everything you need to know about them... Pay attention!" This is a great quote. And, unfortunately, I have no clue who originally said it. Even so, I believe it is good advice.
I'll give you a couple of examples. Have you ever met someone who would say one thing and then do another? I had a friend who would only say nice things about people in front of their face, but as soon as they were not there, would actively plot against them to cause them grief. When I first saw this in action, I thought that it was only a one off, that something must have happened that I didn't know about and that he must have gotten angry and was just venting. It was not always overt. Sometimes, he would say this stuff to only one person at a time... trying to get them to turn against the other person. Many times, he would lie or use a half truth to get another person angry at his target. But always, he would slowly lead the brunt of a group of friends to turn against the other person. I saw this in action, and I thought that as long as I was cognizant of what he was doing, it would be alright. And that surely the others could see it to. I was wrong. When I brought this up to a couple of the guys, not only could they not see it, but they disagreed with me wholeheartedly... until they were the target of his wrath. Then they began to see what was happening. At one point, he turned his wrath towards me. I knew what was happening, and decided to avoid him. It didn't matter. He would find things to do with the people I usually hung out with to isolate me. Some of the people he would invite to events he didn't even like. He just invited them along to isolate me from members of the group. Luckily, I hung out with a lot of different people, so it did't bother me too much. I was out of college by then and had numerous friends who only vaguely knew of each other. Still, it was a nuisance when I did want to hang with some of my local friends. Well, things got back to normal soon enough, but I never forgot that action, and kept my distance from him as much as I could. I did not trust him. I do not know about you, but I find it hard to remain friends with someone I don't trust. Finally, I saw a situation where his actions could be brought out into the open in front of the whole group. He had set up to go see one of the other guy's girlfriends while we were all hanging out. He didn't know that I overheard him talking on his phone and that I recognized the girl's voice. He feigned a headache, and we left the bar to drive him home since he did not drive his own car to the club. After driving him home (I was driving that night), I drove around the block and waited up a side street with the guy whose girlfriend he was going to see. This guy never could see anything bad in his "friend" and didn't even realize that the other guy really hated him and looked down on him. At any rate, I told the guy that the "kid with the headache was going to leave from his house and go see HIS girlfriend. Naturally, he didn't believe me. "CL" would never do THAT! Well, sure enough, five minutes go by and "CL"'s car came down the other street. He must of saw us when I turned my lights on, because he shot off down the road at an accelerated rate and turned in the opposite direction from my friend's girls house. It didn't matter. I knew where he was going. I told my friend that he was likely going to the liquor store to pick up some beer and that all we had to do was go wait in front of his girlfriend's house. He was skeptical, but we did it. About ten minutes after we got there, "CL" came walking up the street. He was almost next to us before he noticed my car. We were sitting with the windows open and he turned to us and said, "oh, and don't think I didn't see you down that side street, I did!" And he walked away. My friend was stunned, But he believed me. I then told him everything else I had observed and something clicked in his head. He said, "you know, now that you mention it, I have seen him do some different things to towards others"... and he told me what he observed. He had never put two and two together and figured out the whole story. Not only that, he never even realized that he had been targeted that way too. Once word got out about what happened, none of the regular members of the group would hang out with him any longer. That was effectively the end of that group of friends. We all went our separate ways soon after that. I did notice that some guys who were mutual friends of me and "CL" stopped talking to me soon after that. One actually said, he had heard that I had said something nasty about him. I asked him if he believed that, and he said he did, so I ended that friendship right there. I had never said anything even similar to what he said he had heard I said. "CL" was actively trying to protect his position among of friends. At that point, I didn't care. These people and I were friends because I had met them through him anyway. I didn't want to associate with him, and so I did not care if these people did not want to associate with me. I bring this up tonight since one guy contacted me a year or two ago when he saw my name pop up on Facebook. We started chatting every once in a while, but he lived in North Carolina, and I lived in New Hampshire, so we always knew it would just be causal conversations. He brought up that "CL" had visited him last year, when he had been in the area on business trip. He had always been tight with "CL" and he did not know why we all stopped hanging out together (at least I am quite certain he did not know the real reason anyway). At this point in my life, it doesn't matter anyway. After so many years, I do not want to get into a he said/she said kind of situation. I am glad that this guy contacted me over Facebook, and that he leaves whatever happened between me and "CL" between us. In the end, a person's actions do tell you everything you need to know about them... if you pay attention. What you do with that information is up to you. At age fifty, I find it is best to avoid people whose actions are not up to my standards. I have had enough heartbreak in my life. There is no need to invite strife into my life by allowing those with reprehensible actions to enter into my circle of friends. You learn a lot after fifty years. Hopefully, some of you younger readers can learn a life lesson from this story. Sometimes it is hard to do the right thing. But I find that the sooner you can make that move, the better. On Tuesday we leave on a cross-country train trip.I have always wanted my daughters to see the country, and I could think of no better way to do it than by taking the train coast to coast.
We leave from Boston on early Tuesday morning, and arrive in California Friday evening. Over the course of our trip we will see some of the prettiest shorelines in the U.S. On Tuesday, we'll start in Boston and travel through the Berkshires, eventually stopping in Albany. We'll switch trains there and roll through the Finger Lakes region of upstate New York. The train parallels the Eerie canal for a stretch and then rolls along the Mohawk River. Finally, we'll travel along the south shore of Lake Michigan right up into Chicago. In Chicago, we switch trains and then it's off to California on the California Zephyr, which is known as one of the most beautiful train trips in all of North America! After passing through the great plains, the train will go up through the Rocky Mountains and then ramble on through the Sierra Nevadas. On Friday we will eventually pull in to Emeryville California and a short bus trip into San Francisco. We'll stay in San Francisco until Tuesday morning, and then fly back to New Hampshire. Needless to say, over the next week, we'll be posting a lot of pictures from as we cross the United States, and give our thoughts on the trip. Bon Voyage readers! Our traveling posts will start on Tuesday. "So often we rob tomorrow's memories by today's economies." This was part of a longer quote. I don't really know who said this. I saw it and copied it down, but didn't think I was going to use it. I was looking for quotes on memories.
I really felt like writing about memories tonight... About how important I think they are, and how I am trying to make sure that my daughters have lots of memories from their childhood. Maddie says that she has blocked out many of her memories from before she was seven. (She was seven when she first learned about Sharon's drinking problem and saw how it was affecting their relationship.) Even so, I try to reinforce the memories she does have, and of course, add as many new happy ones to her life as I can. Even so, I can see how the above quote is relevant. Many times I have worked late into the night to make certain that I could hit an upcoming deadline. It is sad really. I work so that I can provide a life style for my daughters so that I can give them nice things. But by working so much, I unconsciously take away from them something that I longed for as a child. Time, I believe, is the greatest gift we can give our children. Time to play with them when they are younger and time to talk with them when they are older. Even so, our misguided thoughts that we need to put money away to provide for them oftentimes stops us from providing their basic need of spending time with their parents. I work from home, thus I do get to see them during the day, and to talk with them. Still, I feel bad when I need to work late or focus on something immediately. It is so sad to think that for some families both parents have to work outside of the home, thus ensuring that they spend even less time with their children. In the end, there are some things that money can't buy. Time is a precious commodity. Don't trade away too much of your time chasing the dollar. In the end, it's just not worth it. Memories are the currency of families. In the end, I'd rather be a little less rich in my bank account, but much richer in the memories area. Make sure to build memories. After all, you certainly can't bring your money with you when you die, but you may be able to bring your memories. While no one can be sure what happens after you die, I think there is a better chance of my memories coming with me than my money. Thus, I will do my damnedest to build memories for both me and my daughters, and I'll leave the constant chasing of consumer goods for others. Jungle Book was the coolest movie! King Louie sings ''Now I'm the King of the Swingers whoa! The Jungle VIP. I've reached the top and I had to stop and that's what's bothering me! O! ooby doo ooby doo! I want to be like you oo oo ooby dooby doo doo, I want to walk like you, talk like you oo! oo! oo! And that is all I know of the song. It is so cool!
Ashleigh Above is a picture of my driveway. And to me, it is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Not the pavement itself (I am not THAT crazy), but the way it fades away into the woods. It reminds me of a line in one of my favorite poems by Robert Frost, about the road less traveled.
There is beauty to be found in going ones own way. Too many times, I have been lured towards someone else's sense of beauty, and been disappointed. Not that what I saw wasn't beautiful... just that it wasn't really for me. Cities that I have been told are exciting or quaint, just end up being another overpopulated shit hole. Meanwhile, cities that I have been told I would hate, oftentimes hold good memories for me. Maybe it was because I went in fearing the worst, and then found things less bad than I thought (All except for Detroit... That town I was told was a hellhole and I found everyone was right about that one! I have fond memories of Cleveland, Pittsburgh and Cincinnati, yet remember being disappointed in San Francisco, Philly and Las Vegas. Phoenix and Nashville were both full of charm, while I found Miami, Baltimore and New Orleans a bit worse for wear. I am sure others may find my opinions backward. As I said, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It is rare that I find cities beautiful. Instead, I like scenes that are closer to what my driveway looks like. Since I was young, I have always had a desire to run away to the woods and recharge. I used to love to go up to my Aunt and Uncles farm in Canada when I was a kid. In my teen years, I would often go hiking by myself or with my dog in Hartshorne Woods. The trail was about 3 and a half mile and ran in a loop. You could walk from Navesink all the way to Twin Lights if the mood struck you. Oftentimes, I would go right before sundown. If you walked up the right loop of the trail you could branch off and walk up a steep incline. Once you made it to the top, there was a big rock (or group of rocks, it's been a long time) that would let you look out over what I always called the Buttermilk Valley. Oddly enough, I don't know if that is what it was really called or not. It must have been, because I likely would not have come up with such a sappy name for it on my own! Even so, I would often hike up there alone with a small cooler or a cigar or pipe, and sit at the base of the large rock and watch the sun go down over the valley. It wasn't a perfect view, but it was a nice view and it was very peaceful. I'd sit there and watch until dusk started to fall and the shadows were getting long. Many times, I would go down the hill again practically in the dark. I didn't mind. I enjoyed catching a buzz up there alone in the quiet. Sometimes I would hear people above me on the rock. Sometimes they would smell my cigar or pipe and stop down to chat. That was okay too. I'd share a beer with them and talk awhile. But the best times were when no one bothered me, and I got to sit there and enjoy the view with my own thoughts. I find my home at the top of "my" mountain has the same feel for me. I do not have a view overlooking the mountains or a valley. In fact, I am surrounded by trees, But I still love to look out the window of my office, or go stand on my front porch and look out over my yard and into my woods. I like to feel the sun on my face (or a brisk wind) as I stand and listen to the wind blow through the pines. The peacefulness I get from that just can't be found in the city. Do I ever miss the city? Yes, sometimes. I still like to go to museums or go to concerts etc. and for that, cities are useful. People watching is also usually more fun in the city too... since you get a hell of a lot more variety. But even so, I would not trade my little slice of heaven for an apartment anywhere near the city. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and for me, I have found that beauty in the hills of New Hampshire. "To be at ease is better than to be at business. Nothing really belongs to us but time, which even he has who has nothing else." That is a quote by Baltasar Gracian. Baltasar was a Jesuit monk during the 1600's and happened to write one of my favorite books, The Art Of Worldly Wisdom.
The book is a masterpiece made up of about 300 maxims and his thoughts on them, giving advice on how to live fully and advance socially. Although the book was written over 360 years ago, many of its ideas still resonate today. In fact, I gave this book to Madison to read while I was home schooling her, and I plan to do the same with Ashleigh. To get back to the quote, I believe he is just stating the obvious. Even so, I think people have to be reminded of this from time to time. I know I do! Oftentimes, I find myself getting thoroughly engrossed in my work. I do research for a living, and I find the work both challenging and interesting. Still it is my work and NOT my life. Sometimes I need to step back and remind myself of that fact. Otherwise I find more and more of my time working on the computer and not doing things with my family. While it is nice to make enough money to live comfortably, it is not really living if you do not set aside time to actually live! Going forward, think about something you would have liked to have done with your family when you were a kid... and then do it with yours! Life is too short not to make memories. Your children's memories should not just mainly be with their friends! Take the time to get to know your children and do things with them. When I am old and dying, I do not want one of my regrets to be "I wish I had spent more time teaching my children what I found important in life." What is important in life to me ARE my children. And I want them to have as many great experiences with me as they can. No regrets people. We are all given the same amount of time each day. Use that time wisely, and make sure to leave some time each week to make memories for both you and your children. THAT is my meaning of life. Today I'm going to talk about The circus. We went to the circus on Saturday. We liked the camels and the elephants. The funniest part of the show was when the clowns started to chase each other. I laughed so hard! Before the show started I took a little ride on the train they had set up at the side of the ring.
Ashleigh Today was pretty fun- I got to go to the circus for the first time in my entire life! I know, I know... I'm 14 and that was my first time. But in a way I think it made it all the more memorable; especially since I got to see how my sister reacted to it as well. In the beginning, I was quite panicky and a little bit grumpy. The reasoning for this was due to the fact that my dad miraculously somehow got us FIRST ROW SEATS- literally a foot or so away from the edge of the ring where the show was taking place. Initially, I thought it would be too loud and that there'd be too many people- but in the end; the seats were awesome as I was able to get plenty of awesome photos close up. Something both my dad and I noted was that we were so close to the acts that we could almost get a feel for the personality of the people! You could tell who was nervous, who was more experienced, who really threw themselves into the show, and especially; who's eyes lit up most at the applause of the crowd. Of all the acts shown; I must say that my favorite acts were the acrobats and the aerial performers. Some of the flips and stunts they could pull really left me speechless- and terrified. Some of these people were hanging in midair with nothing but a sash tied to their waist keeping them up; all the while twirling, dancing, and pulling incredible poses. It was insane and a very fun experience. I must say; some of the women you'll see performing definitely give inspiration to get into better shape! The physique on them was CRAZY; even considering that they likely practice for hours a day. In any case, I think that ties up my post... all in all, it was an amazing day and I'm glad I got to experience it with my family. For anyone interested in seeing the same show; it was the Garden Bros. Circus. I'd highly recommend it- just be sure to eat before going as the concessions are EXTREMELY over-priced. - Maddie "“A lot of people get so hung up on what they can't have that they don't think for a second about whether they really want it.” That's a quote by Lionel Shriver. Believe it or not, Lionel is a woman. She was a tomboy when she was younger and decided to change her name from Margaret to Lionel because she thought the more masculine name was more fitting for her.
Not much for me to say about Lionel, I have never read any of her material and I didn't know she existed until I read her quote. I liked the quote, though, and it got me thinking. I get hung up sometimes... not so much about what I can't have, but what might have been...which I guess IS the same thing after all. A lot of times, I will be sitting around working or listening to music, and something will inevitably remind me of my wife. A memory will be triggered and I will feel a deep well of sadness as I think of the good times we had at one time or another, and then I miss her. At those times, I fail to remember the problems we had and how her illness impacted the entire family. It's the second part of the quote that really got me to thinking tonight. I heard a song and thought of my wife and really missed her. Then I read the quote and I thought "if my wife was still alive, would I be having those feelings right now?" And to be honest, the answer was no. Not because I didn't love my wife, or because I no longer love her, but because before my wife died, I had divorced her to protect my daughters. My wife's alcoholism was out of control (it ended up killing her) and she could not be around my children without another adult present. I brought my youngest daughter, Ashleigh, home from the hospital when she was four days old, and I have raised her on my own until my Mom came to live with us in 2013. My wife spent some of that time in and out of rehab facilities, but mainly was out on her own drinking. Don't get me wrong, my wife loved our daughters. She was just not physically or mentally able to stop her addiction until it eventually took her life. She died of esophageal varices. Scarring, or cirrhosis of the liver is the most common cause of esophageal varices. This scarring cuts down on blood flowing through the liver. As a result, more blood flows through the veins of the esophagus. The extra blood flow causes the veins in the esophagus to balloon outward. Heavy bleeding can occur if the veins break open. Well, Sharon's veins broke open on at least two occasions. The second one that I know of killed her. Sharon already had a damaged liver when we met in 1999. She died in 2013. Ashleigh was born in January, 2010. Sharon's descent into oblivion really rolled into place in 2009, soon after she had become pregnant with Ashleigh. She couldn't stop drinking during the pregnancy. Although this likely sounds hollow, I did not know the extent of Sharon's drinking and its impact on her until she was already pregnant with Ashleigh. I knew she had still been drinking before we decided to have a second child, but she believed that the pregnancy would force her to quit again, as she did when she was pregnant with Madison. Unfortunately, this time she couldn't do it. To protect the baby, we put Sharon into an in-house rehab program at Phoenix House in Keene while she was pregnant to help keep her sober during her pregnancy. She completed the program, but started drinking immediately after she came out of the program, about two weeks prior to when she was to give birth to Ashleigh. She got drunk and broke her ankle on the first night she was home from the rehab. She had gotten the booze in Keene prior to me picking her up at the rehab facility. When we got home, I never thought to look in her bag she had brought from the facility since I picked her up from the facility, and brought her directly home. My daughter was born two weeks premature and with alcohol withdrawal. They sent me home with her at four days old. She was underweight, and needed to be fed every half an hour for the first two weeks of her life. Somehow, I did it while looking for a nanny to help me with the baby, while also taking care of Madison who was eight, and still somehow doing some work for my business. I literally had no sleep for the first four days. On day four, one of the travelling nurses who visited me to make sure the baby was doing okay, called me back that afternoon and offered to watch the girls for me in my house, while I caught some sleep. She came over, and I slept for eight hours. To this day, I still believe that angels sometimes walk among us, and come to help us in our hour of need. Soon after, I hired a nanny and things improved a little bit. For the next three years, my daughters and I struggled with Sharon's illness, I don't want to go into what we all went through. (By all I include Sharon, because she was suffering as well. She was ill, and she was missing her little girls. The emptiness only added to the stresses that triggered her drinking.) Looking back now, it seems like our days were filled with policemen, ambulances, hospitals, lawyers, doctor's visits, court visits, and of course, drunken interludes by Sharon. To this day, when an ambulance passes us in either Rindge or Jaffrey Maddie and I look at each other. When Sharon was alive, we looked at each other because we wondered if it was Mom being brought to the hospital again (oftentimes, it was). Now, we just look at each other just to silently say we remember. I can no longer see an ambulance without thinking of my wife... even though she has now been dead for three years. So anyway, what about the quote? When the song played tonight, and I thought about my wife, I realize that she is dead and can't come back. I recognize that, yet I still remember our good memories. The bad ones I mentioned above, I try not to think of any more. Yet soon after those good memories hit, I read the above quote and I thought: "If Sharon could come back, just the way she was, would you want her to come back?" And my answer to myself was no, I wouldn't. Because although I have a tendency to remember our good times together, if I think deeper, I remember all of the unhealthy things that my daughters saw and experienced. And I would never want to expose them to that again! Ashleigh was very young then, and barely remembers her Mom. She did not understand any of the bad things that went on, and I'd like to keep it that way until she is older, and inevitably asks me about her Mom. Maddie does remember, though, and I never want to expose her to anything so tragic and psychologically damaging again. To wit, be careful what you sometimes long for, because not everything you might want or miss is good for you or your loved ones around you. Sorry for the long, weird post... But it's what was going through my mind tonight, and sometimes I need to think out an explanation for myself. “You don't get explanations in real life. You just get moments that are absolutely, utterly, inexplicably odd.” Okay, I am going with something completely different today. That quote is by Neil Gaiman. Who is Neil Gaiman? you might ask. Well, thank God for Wikipedia... I didn't know either until I looked him up. He is a pretty well regarded author actually. He has won the Bram Stoker award, a Hugo, a Nebula, a Newbery and a Carnegie award for his writing. Not Bad! With all of those awards, someone must have read his stuff!
There are two types of writing in the world... fiction and nonfiction. Each type takes its own skills. To write fiction well, you need to be creative. I mean think about it, often times you are creating your own world, or at a minimum, new people to inhabit worlds people already know. I find it absolutely amazing when someone can take me away from this world and actually make me see another world of their own creation. In my opinion it is just as impressive to write nonfiction. With nonfiction you are using your analytical and research skills to tell a story that may not be obvious to everyone. You are also oftentimes taking the mundane and trying to make it exciting... or at least exciting enough for someone to keep reading about it. Gaiman writes fiction. To get back to his quote, I agree with it totally. Life can be and usually is a collection of inexplicably odd moments. These are what we remember fondly, anyway. I don't know about you, but I rarely remember what I had for dinner on any given day more than two days back. I eat dinner every day, yet I really can't remember any of those meals because they all run together. No need for an explanation there! Yet I remember vividly little odd things that have happened to me along with the major moments of my life. My life has been filled with odd moments. So odd in fact, that I don't really know where to begin. I couldn't tell you all of them anyway. They float into my mind, make me smile, and then float out again. I just thought of two that I have no explanation for. Why they happened? Who knows, they just did. The first one that comes to mind was that I once partied with a coven of witches in Philadelphia. Originally, my friend and I were going to Philly to hang out with his sister. Little did we know that his sister hung out with self-proclaimed witches. You never would have known that any of them were witches. A few of them were cute, and the others were average looking. I kept asking one of the cuties to put a hex on me, but that only led to her spiking my drink with an illegal substance. It was an interesting evening! No explanation ever came for why they were witches. I didn't really care. As long as we weren't going to become human sacrifices, I was okay to party with them. The night went by without incident, although I must say that we met a number of weird characters that evening. Oddly enough, these girls went to Temple, and that school's mascot is an owl. How fitting that these witches were going to Temple and rooting for owls! No explanations here! Just relating an odd moment from my past. The second odd moment that came to mind happened in the Hampton's in New York. When I was younger, a bunch of us used to rent a bungalow out on the beach during the summer. It was funny, there were people walking in and out of that bungalow all of the time, and half of the time I had no clue who the people were. We would all invite friends up for the weekend, so it wasn't surprising that there could be thirty people hanging out in the yard or house at any given time... and you might know maybe half of them. The time that really sticks out to me though was one day when me and a friend of mine were just hanging on the beach drinking beers. Neither one of us was going in the water, we were just standing there talking when all of a sudden, one of the girls from the party going on at the house came running up and said "hey come on let's go swimming and ran by us and went into the surf. We just stood there and watched her for a couple of minutes and she would yell "come on in, the water is fine!" and other such nonsense. We were content to drink our beers since neither one of us was really into her. Well, the next thing you know, the girl whipped off her bikini top and yelled "Hey guys come on! Hello!!!" Well, you know we both just looked at each other in disbelief, dropped our beers and went in the water! I still don't know that girl's name, although we hung out with her the rest of the day and me and her sang with the band later that night. (Just for the record, they shut our mike off after the first thirty seconds or so. We were THAT bad! Thank God we were friends with some of the guys in the band, they let us stay up there for a song or two before asking us to go back in the crowd.) So anyway, there are a couple of odd moments in my life without explanation. There are one or two more that involve shouting mazel tov! at inappropriate times, or allowing drunk friends to chase garbage trucks down Lexington Avenue in the early morning hours after they mistakenly identify them as buses. These too, deserve no explanations. Anyway, odd moments bring color to our lives. Tell me some of your odd moments, and I will tell you who you are. Or more exactly, who you were. We all change. The odd moments I have now have nothing to do with drinking or partying. They involve my daughters and their thoughts and hopes, and the moments we spend together. Fishing, hiking, karate and learning make for a much better combination than booze and cigars for making my odd moments nowadays. About ten days ago my daughter Madison wrote a post about the Pink Floyd song "Wish You Were Here" where she mentioned that she did not know what I thought it meant, but that for her the song was about living in shades of gray. For me the song always had three meanings. The first is the meaning that David Gilmour and Roger Waters gave it. They have both said publicly that they wrote the song as a tribute to Syd Barrett, a member of their band that did too much acid, and eventually had a mental breakdown and became a schizophrenic. The song, they say, was written for him. The other two meanings are just what I always got from the song. Overall, I think the song is about the certainty of youth, and that how over time a lot of what you were once certain about turns out to be totally false, or at least not how you pictured it. In fact, I have always felt that the song was about disillusionment with the Vietnam War. Admittedly, the first reason I will dive into was my first thoughts on the song, while my second meaning developed over time as I got older.I have pasted the lyrics below. Read them, think about them a bit and then read through my explanation. "Wish You Were Here" So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain. Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell? Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts? Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze? Cold comfort for change? Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage? How I wish, how I wish you were here. We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year, Running over the same old ground. What have we found? The same old fears. Wish you were here. Okay, so in just looking at the first two stanzas I see a number of hints that the questions that start the song could be from either a friend or a lover to a man who is just about to sign up to go fight in the Vietnam War. Many signed up because they thought they were saving the world from communism. The friend asks: Do you think you can tell heaven from hell? Is what we have here truly better than what they have over there, when you have never been over there? Can you confidently say things are worse over there, or just different? How much can you really tell from what you have seen of the world? The second stanza asks questions of the soldier while he is in Vietnam. He has already seen action. He has seen friends and people he respects die (trade heroes for ghosts). He has watched Napalm turn green jungle into a burning hell and has felt the hot air from the explosions (Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze?) He realizes that he left his home for an ideal that doesn't exist and therefore refuses to fight any more and gets put in prison (Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?) The third stanza is his friend or lover lamenting the foolishness of it all and missing the friend who is in jail. To me, "Shine On You Crazy Diamond", is the tribute song to Barrett and "Wish You Were Here" is a tribute song to those disillusioned with their part in the failed Vietnam War. Remember, the album came out in 1975, after the U.S. ended their foray into Vietnam. U.S. goals were not achieved in Vietnam and many people were disillusioned afterward, and indeed during the conflict. Am I right? Who knows, but it was always what I thought the song was about. On a more personal level, things I was certain about in my youth, I am now certain I was wrong about. The meaning of life, what happiness is and isn't, and how I was going to live my life. What I thought I knew, what I think I know now and what I will think in the future is all so uncertain. Finally thinking back on my group of friends that I had growing up...we all thought we would be a close-knit group forever. It's funny how we are now spread out all over the map leading our own lives separately. I know people I consider good friends that I haven't spoken to in over a decade! Occasionally, I will see a post from one or the other of them on Facebook, but for the most part, we have very little contact. There is nothing wrong with that. We all went our separate ways. It reminds me of lines from the song Time from the Dark Side Of The Moon album: Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain. You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today. And then one day you find ten years have got behind you. No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun. So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking Racing around to come up behind you again. The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older, Shorter of breath and one day closer to death. No one told us when to run... we just did. We ran all over the United States. Only one or two stayed in New Jersey. The rest of us flew to points north, south east and west. Funny, after all these years, with little contact, I still consider most of those people friends. And, on some nights, when I am thinking about my younger days, I really still do wish they were here.
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