"Silence is the most powerful scream." I read this anonymous quote while looking for something to write about this evening. It reminded me of a poem I wrote to include in Sharon's book of poems. Sharon was a beautiful writer, and she left a large number of poems behind. On her death bed, I promised her that I would publish her poems. It took a while to gather all of the poems and get them ready for publishing, but they are finally ready. I have included a couple of my poems in the book, as well as one by Maddie. With any luck, the book will be ready to be published on Amazon for Christmas. The book is called "Butterfly Screams." Below, is one of the poems I wrote for the book, that the quote above reminded me of. Enjoy! Scream In Silence
I scream in silence, So my loved ones will not hear, I cry inside, So my eyes won’t shed a tear. I live my life, With a heart that’s broken bad. I have no emotions Except one… and that is sad. I do my best To get on with living life, But God knows How much I miss my wife. I scream in silence, And carry on like nothing’s wrong, I sing the lyrics, Though I really don’t like the song, Living life without you, Brings me unending pain, No one can see though, I’m like a tear drop in the rain. 6/26/14
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"Most of the change we think we see in life is due to truths being in and out of favor." That's a quote by my favorite poet, Robert Frost. Frost had a way of looking at the world that made you stop and think. Many of his poems, at first, make you think he is writing about the most inconsequential of things. If you thought this, you would be right... at least on the surface.
Many of Frost's poems would seem to be about small everyday things. Yet it was the meaning that he saw in these things, and his ability to make you see these meanings that make Frost's poems so compelling and haunting. One poem that comes to mind where you can see this in action is with the poem "The Exposed Nest." The poem is about a farmer who is usually very jocular, who is found out in a field trying to place hay in such a way so that it is standing up. His friend finds that this isn't one of the farmer's typical jokes, though. While mowing the field, the farmer accidentally exposed a bird's nest with some young birds in it. He builds the shelter in the hopes that it will give them some relief from the exposure of the sun and some cover from their enemies. He then notes that after doing this, the farmer then never checks on the birds again. To me it seems like the farmer really didn't care about the birds per se, but was instead trying to assuage his own guilt about what was likely to happen to the birds. The birds in the nest were too young to fly away, and without the shelter and the cover of the long grass were likely going to die. The farmer felt bad about this, but not bad enough to take them to his barn and nurse them until they were strong enough to fly away. The truth of the matter was that these young birds were likely going to die now. The farmer did not want to face this truth though, so he built the shelter to at least be able to say to himself that he gave them a fighting chance. He never checked on them again, because he didn't want to ever check on the truth of the matter. To bring this discussion back to the original quote, the change that we see is that these young birds that had the promise of life, were now likely going to die... either from exposure or from a predator. The reality of this change in fortune did not sit well with the farmer, and he felt guilty about it since in effect his reaping had brought this change of fortune about for the young birds (I guess you could say he was the grim reaper). Frost shows that the farmer is aware of what he has done, but doesn't really want to just leave the birds to their fate, and thus he is found building the screen. By not returning to the nest the next day, it seems he doesn't really want to confirm that his actions led to the bird's deaths, but would rather go along with the thought that his subsequent action may have saved the birds, Without checking, he'll never know, and thus it softens the blow to his psyche from his accidental deed. Is this the correct meaning of this poem? I don't know. Some people believe the poem is about a father finding his child in a field trying to help the birds. While this theory makes sense for most of the poem, it loses its potency once he mentions that the person never goes back to check on the birds. Most children I know would do so. Not only that, they would continue to go back and check on the birds until they were no longer there. Most children would return with worms and bugs to toss to the birds to make sure they wouldn't starve. This definitely is not the case in the poem, and thus it leaves me to believe that it is the farmer who spies his mistake and tries to assuage his guilt. In the end, the only constant is change. Changes do occur. In fact, they happen regularly. Truths remain truths, whether we choose to believe them or not. For me, my daughters will always be my little girls... even when they are grown women. My eldest daughter is now 15. When I look at her, I see her, but I still see the little girl who used to hold my hand and reveled in the stories I used to make up on the fly and tell her on long car trips. For Ashleigh, she is now six, and still holds my hand. When I look at her I can see that, but I also see the small little bundle that slept in a cradle next to my desk while I worked, or stood in the playpen at the front of the dojo while I took my karate classes. The changes occur, yet we will always see the truths that live in our hearts. I was actually introduced to Wordsworth in my English 1 class. I had to do an analysis of his poem 'I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud', which I found to be strange yet quite enjoyable. I do love metaphors; and the poem contained a bunch of them. Analyzing it was fun for me and it opened up my curiosity to a new poet who I hadn't heard of before. I recommend reading at LEAST 'I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud', just to see what you make of it. In fact, if you do read it, please leave me a comment giving me your interpretation of it! I'd be curious to see if anyone else saw it the way I did.
In any case, on to some quotes! "Life is divided into three terms- that which was, which is, and which will be. Let us learn from the past to profit by the present, and from the present to live better in the future." "Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart." "With an eye made quiet by the power of harmony, and the deep power of joy, we see into the life of things." "Suffering is permanent, obscure and dark, and shares the nature of infinity." "That best portion of a man's life, his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love." "Your mind is a garden, your thoughts are the seeds, the harvest can either be flowers or weeds." "The human mind is capable of excitement without the application of gross and violent stimulants; and he must have a very faint perception of its beauty and dignity who does not know this." "We will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind." "Wisdom is oftentimes nearer when we stoop than when we soar." I've only read a few poems from Edgar Allen Poe- but what I did read, I recall enjoying. I believe he's another poet who I analyzed in a school assignment for my dad. Regardless, I think that reading some of his poetry is a good idea for anyone who's looking to broaden their horizons a little. He's a classic poet whose work is still appreciated to this day- and that has to stand for something, doesn't it? In any case, this post isn't meant to focus on his poetry so I'll move off of it. Let's get into some quotes!
"The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls." "There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportion." "I do not suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it." "Years of love have been forgot, in the hatred of a minute." "I was never insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched." "Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality." "The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins?" "All I loved, I loved alone." One poet who I haven't written about on this blog is Robert Frost- and it's long over-due. Frost is one of the first poets I ever read at my dad's request and he's the poet who truly got me into reading poetry and not just writing it. 'The Road Not Taken' is the first poem I read and to this day I believe it to be one of the best poems I've read. I highly recommend giving Frost a read, and if not hi other work; at least The Road Not Taken.
In any case, I'll leave you some quotes now. "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life- it goes on." "How many things would you attempt, if you knew you could not fail?" "Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it." "Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up." "A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday; but never her age." "Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." "Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length." "Freedom lies in being bold." "The best way out it always through." "Never cut what you can untie." "I am not a teacher, but an awakener." "You're searching for things that don't exist: ends and beginnings. There are no such things- there are only middles." "I write to find out what I didn't know I knew." "Two paths diverged in a wood and I- I took the one less traveled by; and that has made all the difference." Bronte is both a poet and an author! In fact, I've read one of her books before for schooling- Jane Eyre. It wasn't one of my favorites and I must say that I've found her poetry much more likable. She comes from a family of writers, with her sister Emily Bronte being renowned for the book Wuthering Heights. I believe I've also read that, and didn't enjoy that any much more that Jane Eyre. Ah well. At least her poetry is good. While I don't appreciate it as much as I do Shakespeare or Dickinson, I'd still recommend giving her a read just for the exposure. But this blog post isn't about poetry- it's about quotes and unearthing the wisdom behind poets/authors.
"Crying does not indicate that you are weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive." "If we would build on a sure foundation in friendship, we must love friends for their sake rather than our own." "Life is so constructed that an event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation." "Life appears to me too short to be spent on nursing animosity, or registering wrongs." "I believe in some blending of sunshine and hope sweetening the worst lots. I believe that this life is not all; neither the beginning nor the end. I believe while I tremble; I trust while I weep." "Conventionality is not morality. Self-righteousness is not religion." "I would always rather be happy than dignified." "I feel monotony and death to be almost the same." "Cheerfulness, it would appear, is a matter which depends fully as much on the state of things within, as on the state of things without and around us." Carrying on my theme from last week, I think I'm going to write a few more posts exhibiting the quotes of poets this week! So often I think good quotes go overlooked because these people are known only for their beautiful poetry, and not for the wisdom they also possessed. Don't get me wrong- their wisdom shows through in their poetry as well. You know what I mean. There were more layers to who they were than what most people choose to appreciate. Since that's the case; I've decided to go and dig through the quotes of Emily Dickinson first.
I remember reading some of Dickinson's poetry a couple of years ago and analyzing it as a school project for my dad- I also remember deeply enjoying it. She's a wonderful poet who I strongly recommend to anyone taking the time to read this post. Enough rambling, though- let's get into some quotes! "If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain." "Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops at all." "Saying nothing, sometimes says the most." "Pardon my sanity in a world insane." "Truth is so rare, it is delightful to tell it." "I dwell in possibility." "They might not need me; but they might. I'll let my head be just in sight; a smile as small as mine might be precisely their necessity." "That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet." Shockingly, I don't think I've written a post about this yet! I loved reading Shakespeare's sonnets when I was younger, and I particularly enjoyed analyzing them. While I have no clue where the files are now, I did want to re-visit Shakespeare a bit and take my readers with me. I already let out my long rant for the day- it's titled 'The Election' if you care to read it. Nothing too offensive, don't worry! That being said, here are some Shakespeare quotes for you to think about throughout your day.
"Have more than you show, speak less than you know." "The earth has music for those who listen." "We know what we are, but know not what we may be." "Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice." "It is always the wrong person who gives you the right lesson in life." "Love me or hate me, both are in my favor- If you love me, I'll always be in your heart; if you hate me, I'll always be in your mind." "Let no one who loves be unhappy... even love unreturned has its rainbow." "Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind." "It's not enough to speak, but to speak true." "Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind." I could honestly go on forever with these quotes. They're quite wonderful, in my opinion. If you've never read Shakespeare, particularly his sonnets, I'd recommend that you do so. It seems they're slightly under-rated in this generation and I don't think that anyone should miss out on reading anything from this wonderful poet and playwright. - Maddie " "You often meet your fate on the road you take to avoid it." This is an old French proverb that really can't be attributed to any one person. I like it because no one really knows how there life is going to turn out, and the more little decisions you make, the greater the chance that one of them will be life changing. I have told the story of how my wife and I started dating on numerous occasions, so I won't bore you with a deep rendering of it here. In a nutshell, I invited her to a party at a beach house on the Jersey shore and told her to bring whoever she liked. At the time, I thought she was married, so when I said she could bring whoever she liked, I assumed she would bring her husband. When I invited her, I had no intentions of trying to date her since I knew she was married. It was just that a lot of the younger people on the floor were going to the party and I didn't want her to feel unwelcome or left out. I didn't expect her to come really and I was surprised when she called me for directions. It ends up her husband had died recently and she did not mention it to many people at work. When she came to the party she had a guy and another one of the administrative assistants with her. When I said, it was nice to meet your husband she said he wasn't her husband and that he had died recently. Well, I guess you can say that fate met me on the road unexpectedly that night! I was at the party looking for a girlfriend... I just didn't have any intention that it would be Sharon since I had thought she was married. To tell you the truth, The whole situation above reminds me of one of my favorite Robert Frost poems: The Road Not Taken. Frost writes about taking the path less traveled and how it changed his life. His final lines to the poem are: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. By not wanting someone to feel left out, and inviting them to a party with no expectations, I ended up finding a girl friend and eventually my wife. Meanwhile, on other nights, when I was actively trying to find a girl, I would oftentimes end up not meeting any with a real interest in me. Sometimes the path made to attain a goal is also a path where we meet the most resistance.
I find that fate works in fickle ways across all aspects of life. I know people who started a job for summer employment or just as a temporary gig to make some money, who then went on to make that industry their life-long career. I have also seen people change their entire lives after seeing something on TV or reading something in a book. The changes were not overnight, but they were evident over a longer period of time. All said, it seem fate likes to meet up with us on the least likely paths. Keep your eyes open people and enjoy your journey! Honestly, this post is going to be short too... Like most of my posts lately. I don't know why; but for some reason I've just run out of good things to talk about... Even when my dad tries to give me help through quotes and other inspiration, I can't seem to come up with anything.
Maybe it's a lack of motivation. Maybe it's a lack of deep thought. I don't know; but I honestly wish it would stop... I do enjoy writing, when I can actually write something meaningful. My dad considers this blog to be a thought journal; something he wants my sister and I to be able to look back on years later. He hopes that it'll give us some insight into how our minds were; and also that we can always have his stories, thoughts, and lessons. I love the idea of it; but I'm afraid that in a few years I will look back and be disappointed with my own lack of effort. I mean... I have a good post every once in awhile, but I truly feel that my calling is more to poetry. Poetry is my favorite thing to write because it allows me to channel deep within myself and pull out raw emotion and thoughts; something that I can't seem to do with normal writing. My mind goes very fast, so to be able to put my thoughts down on paper (or in my case, a screen) can prove quite difficult. Poetry doesn't run based off of thought. It is based entirely off of feeling (at least for me). I think I'd have much more understanding of my own mindset looking back on my poetry... Than j would looking back on any blog post I wrote. So maybe that's what this is. Not just a lack of motivation or a lack of deep thought; but too MUCH thought and no way of getting it out. What's your writers block? What do you do to stop it? Let me know in the comments. ~ Maddie Normally, I don't write poetry for this blog... I'd write it for my other blog. However, my school schedule has kept me busy lately and I haven't had much time for my poetry; sadly. I love writing it, but I'd rather share it with an audience and not just on a blog that has died as posting slowed to nothing. So, without further ado- here is my latest poem.
You say I've been different lately Well I wonder why You drop all your problems on me And then don't even try You won't listen to my advice But you'll still ask me for it I'll shield you from discomfort But you just let me get hit You can't deal with all your issues You messed your life up bad To watch you slowly dying Is making me quite sad There's nothing more that I can do You know that I have tried I've cleaned up all your messes, Mopped up all the tears you cried I can't keep on upholding I can't destroy myself for you I'd fix it if I could This you know is true But now you must walk on your own for awhile Because I need To learn to smile. "Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye." H. Jackson Brown said that. If you ever wonder where I find all of these neat quotes. I get them Here: www.brainyquote.com. Although you can find quotes all over the web, I find this site has a nice selection and is easy to search through. You can search by topic or by author. I usually search by topic.
For today's quote, I used love as the topic. Why? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like the topics I choose are a little too somber or serious. Originally, I was looking for something humorous or light, but then I found the above quote. I thought about this quote for a little while before I decided to write about it...trying to figure out whether or not it was true. I think that it may be true. My wife was a beautiful woman and many people would think that with her problems, I likely chose her for her looks. This wasn't the case though. You see, my wife was married when I first met her, and I just saw her as one of the secretaries around the office. I lived along the shore in New Jersey when I was younger and a number of the guys from the office had chipped in and got a beach house in Long Branch. Given that I lived only 20 minutes from their house, I hung out with them all the time. One weekend, we were throwing a party at their house and many of the secretaries around the office were coming. Sharon knew about the party, but she hadn't been invited. I felt a little bad about that and invited her to come, telling her to bring whoever she wanted (meaning her husband was invited also). I did not expect her to come, but I wanted her to feel like she was part of the office anyway even if she couldn't make it. What I didn't know at that point was that her husband had died a few months before. I was really surprised when she showed up at the party that weekend around 9:30 in the evening. She had brought another one of the secretaries from Merrill, along with an Indian guy. When the guy went to get drinks for the ladies I casually said to her, oh, I didn't know your husband was Indian. She laughed and said he wasn't, her husband had died a few months back. I had never known. Well, one thing led to another, and we started dating that night. Still it wasn't a case of love at first site. I liked Sharon and realized she was very pretty, but I didn't fall in love with her until a couple weeks later once she read me her poetry. The raw power and emotion in her poetry spoke to me. The fact that she was willing to share it with me also made me feel a great attachment to her. I fell in love. About three weeks after that, she moved in with me. We were married six months later. Her poetry spoke to me, and my heart realized that I loved the beautiful girl who was reciting it to me. Sometimes our hearts do know what is invisible to the eye. I did know of Sharon's drinking problem before we got married. I married her anyway, figuring we would beat it together. It didn't work out that way. Sharon was ten years younger than me. I always figured it would be her holding me while I lay dying...when we were both old and grey. Instead, I held her as her life ebbed away while we were both young enough not to have too many grey hairs yet (I had many more than her). Sometimes the heart can see what is invisible to the eye. Other times, love is blind. My love was blind to the severity of the problems Sharon had, but my heart could see the beauty within her soul. My two daughters remind me of her daily. A look, a turn of the word, their talents, all remind me of Sharon. What my eyes don't consciously see, my heart knows. Well, so much for having a humorous post. Maybe tomorrow. Since Maddie asked for five things that make me happy, I thought I'd answer. First, there are many things that make me happy, but many of these five reoccur daily, so I thought I'd use these.
1. Hugs and kisses from my daughters. At my house, we start each morning with a hug good morning and a kiss on the cheek. If I am lucky, this reoccurs throughout the day! If not, at bedtime each girl gives me a hug and a kiss good night. I also use that time to tell them that I love them. Although I tell that to them throughout the day as well, I like to reinforce it at night anyway. Life is too short not to tell those you love that you do actually love them. I found that out the hard way with my wife, and I am not going to repeat that mistake with my daughters. 2. My first cup of coffee. What can I say? If you drink coffee, then you know what I am talking about. If you don't, then you will never know what you are missing! If I had to describe my first cup of coffee I might say "Nectar of the Gods!" Anyway, could I live without coffee? Sure. But I just see no reason to do that. I like a nice hot cup of coffee in the morning to relax with. The rest of the coffee I drink during the day is okay, but the first cup is certainly my favorite. 3. Looking at the woods outside my office window. Yep, during the fall I love to watch the leaves change color. During the winter, I like to watch the snow fall silently among the trees (as it is doing now), and during the spring and summer I like to look at the wall of green and search for animals as they move through the brush. I see deer, squirrels and raccoon. Turkeys waddle by occasionally, and I have seen ground hogs and fisher cats too. "The woods are lovely, dark and deep, But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep." I always think of that poem when I look out my window and it is snowing. I love my woods, and my work is the promise that I have to keep. Still, there is something about the silence and stillness of the woods that just calls to me. 4. The view I get of Mt. Monadnock as I drive to karate. Okay, so this doesn't happen daily, but it happens often enough so that it seems daily. Actually, I can see the mountain from many places when I am driving around my area. The view gives me pleasure, because it reminds me of what I moved away from. The traffic, the overbuilding and the noise. After working in New York city for about 25 years, it was time for a change. My only regret is that my wife didn't live longer to enjoy it with me. In our lives, we all have decisions to make. Mt. Monadnock is a daily reminder that I made the right decision. To know that my girls are growing up with the sheer beauty of this area as a backdrop to their lives makes me happy. Let others chase a buck, raising my daughters is much more important to me...and the mountain symbolizes that to me. 5. The thrill of learning something new. I have to admit it, I am an information junkie. It doesn't matter too much to me what I am learning, it is just the fact that I am increasing my knowledge. I love to read about history or science or try new things. To me, learning doesn't just come from books. It comes from doing new things too. I love to hike and see new areas ...or old areas in new ways. I like to try to do things that I find difficult and take on-line courses. I love to read, and I will read numerous articles during the week on a number of different subjects. I learn things from all of these experiences. In the end, I love to think. I don't want someone to tell me what to think. Instead, I want to take in all the information that I can, and make my own decisions about what it all means. A life without learning is drudgery. I hope that I instill a great love of learning into my girls. Because seriously, thinking and learning is what separates man from animals. To paraphrase Bruce Lee: " A wise man learns more from a fool than a fool learns from a wise man." Be wise, learn to love to learn! Well, there are five things that I love. Funny how none of those things are really material in nature. Watching TV, you would think that happiness only comes from manufactured products. That's why I don't watch TV! TV is an opiate for the masses. It make me happy to avoid it as much as I can. "You're searching...For things that don't exist; I mean beginnings. Ends and Beginnings - there are no such things. There are only middles." That's a quote from one of my favorite poets. I am not going to tell you who it is. Look up the quote and learn something.
I seriously doubt that anyone will look it up. Maddie already knows who my favorite poet is, and the rest of you likely don't care. If you are of a mind to look it up, I'll give you fair warning, though. It is from a long poem...about 225 lines. And it is the best line in the poem. My next favorite line from the poem is: "New is a word for fools in towns who think style upon style in dress and thought at last must get somewhere." While it is not this poet's best poem, it sets a mood...an almost somber tone that stays with you long after you read the poem. And isn't that what a good poet does? Makes you think about what they are truly trying to say? To me, that is the bad thing about quotes. They can be taken out of context when they are read alone. While the poem has a "new" beginning in it and an end, the entire poem, in a rambling way is more about love and sacrifice, and changes intermingled with the familiar. In fact, there is so much going on in this poem...not in what is being said (which more often than not is quite mundane), but in what is not being said. The poet has used the mundane to express the feelings that are just under the surface...the things that are not being said. And THAT is what makes this poem beautiful to me. It is often THAT, which is unsaid, that makes up the story of one's life. The beauty of those unsaid moments would be marred if expressed as words. Have you ever asked someone who is truly smitten what it is that they see in the other person? If you have, you'll recognize that the reply likely didn't make any sense to you. And so that is the way of love. No one will ever truly recognize why you love someone. It is a feeling that can't really be put into words. Oftentimes, to put it into words makes it sound more base than it really is. You get the story or description from the middle...and never really get it from the beginning or to the end. When one lover dies, the other truly is left in the middle. For while the love surely had a beginning, no one can truly pinpoint when that moment was. At the same time, the love you feel for the deceased goes on well after their death...so you are left in the middle. And any new beginning will still be in the middle of those things left unsaid with the other. I want to write this post as a follow-up to what my dad wrote earlier. He wrote about how people you'd never expect CAN change your life... I'd like to write about how some DO change your life, but do so without realizing it. Before I launch into my writing, however, I wanted to share a poem by Sonia Schroeder.
My Special List I have a list of folks I know, all written in a book. And every now and then, I go and take a look. That is when I realize these names are a part, not of the book they're written in, but written in my heart. For each name stands for someone, who has crossed my path sometime. And in that meeting have become the reason and the rhyme. Although it sounds fantastic for me to take this claim, I really am composed of each remembered name. Although you are not aware of any special link, knowing you has shaped my life more than you think. So please don't think my greeting, as just a mere routine. Your name was not forgotten in between. For when I send a greeting that is addressed to you, it is because you're on the list of folks I am indebted to. I love the poem in every way, not ONLY for it's smoothness but for its honesty. Too many people do walk into your life and then become friends with you... and don't realize the impact they have made on your life, either negative OR positive. I've been on both sides of this as the friend that feels unappreciated or doesn't know their level of appreciation, AND as the friend who lets the other know they're appreciated. Confused yet? Let me explain. Type A - The friend who doesn't know how much they mean or how much of a positive impact they've had on someone's life Type B - The friend whose friend made a positive impact on them, but doesn't realize it. One of my friends was once texting me relatively late at night. She'd been having some friend troubles, so I stayed up late to talk things through with her. Now, while I saw her as one of my close friends, I didn't really feel like I was THAT important to her or that I mattered too much. How I got this impression, I'm not quite sure... but suddenly, she interrupted our conversation to say that she was so happy that I was her friend and was extremely grateful that I always took the time to talk with her and share my own experiences to help her. She added that she truly trusted me and felt like she could tell me anything, and I replied I could say the same for her. Wow! I honestly couldn't believe it... but I was very happy. That simple text of honesty made my night. My whole day, in fact. Not enough people take time to let their friends know how much they appreciate them... which can leave some feeling under-appreciated and rather useless. Well, there was my example of being a Type A- but this inspired me to become a Type B. Since I knew how good hearing that had felt, I went to one of my best friends who I feel I don't tell I appreciate a lot and wrote her a similar text expressing my appreciation for her. Her level of happiness was so great that it in turn made me feel good... I guess she felt under-appreciated as well. My point is- sometimes, the smallest thing can make someone's day. You never know how their day has been going- for all you know, you could be saving them from doing something really stupid. I know I've done that to my friends before and they've told me weeks later that I helped them. It never fails to surprise me... moral of the story, always let people know how you feel about them- don't put it off 'til tomorrow, because for some; tomorrow never comes. And your words could actually help them attain that next tomorrow. Maddie "If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you. When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me." I made those beautiful words by Led Zeppelin part of my wedding vow to Sharon. I meant them when I said them. And yet, before my wife passed away, I had divorced her. Did this mean I didn't love her? At first Sharon thought so (although this wasn't the case). Soon after we separated, and were in the process of getting a divorce she wrote a poem where she stated: "Promises, Promises, The vows, the lies you made, Before God you once stood, But now, the black and white fade" We got the divorce to protect the children. I still loved Sharon, but her behavior was starting to have an impact on Maddie and her blackouts and drinking to the point of unconsciousness was a very real danger for Ashleigh. But I digress, I wanted to write about my vow and how my actions did not break those sentiments. To start, love has no boundaries. You do not need to be right next to someone to love them. Whether a person's next to me, or across the country, I still have the ability to love them. Whether someone lives with me...or not, I can love them.
Although mountains have not crumbled to the sea, there is still she and me. I see her in my daughters every day as they go about their lives. I hear her when they speak to me. There is a little part of each of us in both of our daughters. Although Sharon has died, there will always be a part of her that lives on, through our children and theirs and so on until our bloodline ends. Will it be until mountains crumble to the sea? I hope so. The vow that bothers me... the one I may have inadvertently broke, is the whole in sickness and in health thing. I have thought about this a lot over the past couple of years. On the surface, it would seem that I broke this part of my vow... to stay with Sharon through sickness and in health. Like an iceberg, though, there is more to this vow than just what you see on the surface. By having children together, Sharon and I took on the responsibility to raise our children and keep them safe. When Sharon got too sick (addicted), and became a danger to our children, we still had our joint responsibility to keep our children safe. Since Sharon could no longer do that, the responsibility fell to me to do what was right for the both of us so that we could fulfill our responsibilities. I believe I have done that, and will continue to do that, as I promised my wife. Sometimes life leaves us no "good" choices. In those instances, we need to pick the choice that will do the most good, and not just the choice that is most convenient, or easy for us. "If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you. When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me." I meant it when I said it Babe, and it still holds true now. Rest in peace. I've been told that I write some of my best poetry when I get upset. Here's what I had for tonight.
Please enjoy. ~Maddie I'm sick of pretending To be what I'm not A painful smile on my face, With tears caught in my throat The struggle to smile Becomes harder each day When you keep fighting your mind, Trying to force the pain away Something once lost Will never return And if it leaves for too long, The wound behind starts to burn The pain is unbearable But still I turn away Trying to be happy, Since I'm forced to stay This life is close to hell Since you left me behind Now I struggle to function And fall victim to my mind You who once used to teach me Who taught me to live Have run out of life, And have nothing more to give Now I smile and I laugh But it's all a facade I leave hurt behind In the Earth that I trod I seem to be losing My close friends each day I have no patience for people So I let them slide away The bridges all burning My life caving in I'm still just a child, You'd think life was just to begin But a burden so heavy Forces premature growth Over mental capacity, No room left to cope And the worst of it all Is that no one understands I have no one to turn to, To keep my life in their hands Not many understand Just how hard it can be To lose your own mother, To watch, know and see As one thing turns to another And the cycle continues My love for her grows Replenishes, renews And while I know I can't see her yet I know that she's here I dream of the day When I can once again hold her near But for now, life goes on And I live it each day Try to find happiness In every new way One day I'll find it I know that I will And then perhaps, No more tears I shall spill. |
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