"What is the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you." That is a quote by Richard Wilbur. Wilbur is an American poet and college professor who has won two Pulitzer Prizes for his poetry; one in 1957, and another in 1989. Unfortunately, I have never read any of Wilbur's work, although I plan to correct that error at some time in the near future.
To get back to Wilbur's quote, it really hits too close to home for me. In my mind, I need to modify it a bit though to really make it fit. "A lonely me, a dead you." The holidays have been a tough time for me over the past few years, and no matter what I do, it doesn't really change. I seem to be the type that can be lonely in a crowded room. I don't seem to be lonely due to a lack of people... I am more lonely due to a lack of people to share my heart with. I miss the closeness of knowing one person really well. So well, that I can say anything to them. That feeling is the main thing missing in my life right now, and at times it can make me sad. Sharon and I had our troubles, but we always had the ability to communicate with each other with just a look or touch. To know someone understands where you are coming from on all levels is a great comfort. It's a comfort that I find very hard to come by. Sure, I talk with people. Although I jokingly say I am a recluse at karate, due to the fact that I work from home, and rarely go out during the week accept to go for coffee or to workout at the dojo, I am not really a recluse. I can easily talk with most people and keep up my end of the conversation. What throws me off occasionally, is the why of the matter. Usually, I understand why a conversation is going in the direction that t is going, and whether it is something serious or just idle chit chat, I usually know what's what. It is those odd times when a conversation takes a step towards the bizarre where I really get lost and feel lonely (oddly enough). Something will be said, and I will feel like I should be getting some kind of connection from what was just said, and instead I get this feeling of confusion and nothingness. Those are moments that are best shared with someone you love. A look or a nod would be enough to let me know that I wasn't really the crazy one. Now, I hit that point, and I just feel like what happened was really weird and I have no clue what is going on and no way to really check to see WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED! You know, the sad part is, that really isn't it. That seemed like a way to start to describe what I am missing, but it really isn't that. There just seems to be a really huge empty hole in me where my feelings used to reside that is now just an empty cavern. My thoughts go to where these feelings used to be and gets lost there. They wander for hours in a cavern of what was and what might have been. Memories can be a great comfort, but they can be a private hell as well. I guess what I am trying to say is that there is a type of loneliness that being around people really can't cure... and it happens a lot around the holidays. At least for me. Sometimes being busy can be a balm. At the same time, it can also be a scourge. I think at the holidays many people miss the power of two. I know I do.
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"When watching after yourself, you watch after others. When watching after others, you watch after yourself." That, of course, is a quote by Buddha. The interesting thing about Buddha is that everyone quotes him, but he has no actual writings of his own. In fact, the first sayings written as Buddha's were written about four hundred years after his death.
Have you ever played a game of pass the secret? That's the game where one person starts with a message and then whispers it into the ear of the person sitting to their left. Everyone is in a circle by the way... Well, by the time the "secret" gets back to the original person, the secret is nothing near to what was actually said to begin with! Well, now think about doing that for four hundred years. I am guessing that if any of "his" sayings ever got back to Buddha he would have a Yogi Berra moment. .. "I haven't said half the things they say I said!" Anyway, to get back to the quote, I don't care if Buddha actually said it or not, I believe there is some truth to it. It is particularly true when you are watching after others. Here is a personal example: As many of you know, my wife was an alcoholic, and she drank herself to death. What you might not know is that I am also an alcoholic. I have been sober for seventeen years. When I first met my wife, we both drank. While I drank socially, always with other people, my wife was more of a sneak drinker. So much so, that I didn't even know she had a drinking problem until we were already dating for a couple of weeks! It was at that point that Sharon told me she was an alcoholic and asked me to help her to stop drinking. She asked me, because she did not know how heavily I drank (since I did it mainly on the weekends and occasionally after work). At first I just thought she meant that she drank too much socially, and I told her that in the two weeks that I had known her I only saw her have a couple of drinks. It was at that point that she opened her pocket book and showed me her bottle of vodka. She had a one liter bottle in her pocketbook and it was about halfway gone. She was drinking daily, then, including while she was at work... and I never would have known. At that moment, I promised her that I would help her to quit, and it was then that I had my last drink. That was back in July 1999. Sharon never stopped drinking, even with all of my "help". I literally took hundreds of bottles from her over the years, but it did no good. In 2013, she died of esophageal varices, which was caused by the damage she did to her liver while drinking. To bring it back full circle, in trying to save my wife, I ended up saving myself. (When watching after others, you watch after yourself.} In the end, although I tried my hardest, no one can really save anyone who is caught in an addiction...they must save themselves. BUT, in trying to save Sharon, I ended up saving myself. Sharon and I divorced in 2011 to protect the children. I have raised Maddie alone since she was seven and Ashleigh since the day she came home from the hospital. It pains me that I could not help Sharon. Psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, in patient, out patient, AA... none of it worked with Sharon. It ended up she had addictive personality disorder, but we didn't find that out until it was way too late. I held Sharon for the last six hours of her life after they removed her from life support. She died in my arms. When we first met, I never thought that our last embrace would be in death. I didn't realize how badly she needed help, and I never guessed that I would not be able to give it to her. I was naive, and I felt that if I just stopped drinking myself, I would be able to provide all of the willpower she needed for her to do the same. The other night, someone on Imgur put up a picture of the token they received from AA for being sober for one year. It really touched me, and made me think of Sharon, and myself. I congratulated them, told them how long I had been sober and said "Take it one day at a time, my friend." For those of you who are not afflicted with alcoholism, I can tell you from experience becoming sober is not an easy thing to do. In fact, some never quite make it. Like my wife. Rest in peace Sharon. For those of you still suffering with alcoholism, seek help. AA is a great place to start, and there are in-patient programs that may be of help as well. Well, here is a weird post for you. One of my favorite characters growing up was Winnie The Pooh. In fact, during college for a time a few of my friends called me Pooh Bear, both for my ability to quote the friendly cartoon bear, and unfortunately for my shape and style of walking after a night of drinking. As an adult, I made sure to raise my daughters with a good dose of Winnie The Pooh. Both had Winnie The Pooh blankets and many of the stuffed animals. In fact, I even sang the Winnie The Pooh song to Ashleigh when she was younger and I was trying to get her to fall asleep. Those facts aside, it took my wife's death to unknowingly teach me the hard way that many of the things the little bear said had a pearl of wisdom hidden within them. Without further ado, here are some of the pearls of wisdom that Winnie the Pooh has uttered over the years that are very true: "Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart." "We didn't realize that we were making memories, we just knew we were having fun." "If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart. I'll stay there forever." "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." "I think we dream so that we don't have to be apart so long. If we are in each other's dreams, we can be together all of the time." Promise me you'll never forget me, because if I thought you would, I'd never leave." Piglet: "How do you spell love Pooh?" Pooh: "You don't spell love... you feel it." "How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." Well, there you go! And remember (to quote Eeyore) "It never hurts to keep looking for sunshine."
"Goodness is the only investment that never fails." That's a quote by Henry David Thoreau. I am always a little leery of a person that uses three names. It always rubs me the wrong way. I can't think of any reason why this would be. Other than John Wayne Gacy, I can't think of anyone in particular who was evil and used three names. Well, maybe Hillary Rodham Clinton might fit in that category too. At any rate, I don't really have anything bad to say about old Henry so I might as well get back to the quote.
I can see how it would be easy to think that being good would lead to good results, but this is not always the case. The problem is, that not everybody defines good in the same way. Also, sometimes good won't work... Take addiction, for instance. Addictions are very hard to beat, and although you may think you are doing good you could be doing the opposite without realizing it. My wife had addictive personality disorder. This was just a way of saying that she had many addictions going on simultaneously. While we were married, I only really knew of two of them... while some of the others were there, I just thought they were really odd behavior tied to the two or three things I knew about. The ones I knew about, I naturally tried to help her fight. I would sweep the house for bottles of booze, keep her away from social situations that would trigger bouts of drinking, and try not to say things that would trigger excessive dieting (she was an alcoholic and also fought anorexia). It ends up, the psychologists called me an enabler since I didn't kick her out of the house and tell her that her behavior was unacceptable. Well, for the last three years of her life, Sharon was not in our house. She lived on her own and she only had supervised visits with the children. Listening to the psychologists, you would think that Sharon would have gotten better. "She needed to hit bottom" a number of them said. One went so far as to say that she would not see Sharon anymore since she was not following her instructions. This little end came once Sharon fell off the wagon and had gotten drunk one night. Given Sharon's inability to stop drinking was the key reason we were seeing her, I found this social worker's reason for abandoning working with Sharon pathetic. The one positive thing I will say about working with that particular social worker was, she was the only one to ever diagnose Sharon accurately in my opinion. She is the one that diagnosed her with addictive personality disorder. Up until that point, we thought we were only fighting alcoholism and anorexia/binge eating. So what was really good and what was bad? In this instance I don't really know. I divorced Sharon to protect the girls, since her behavior was getting too erratic and really was dangerous for the baby. The psychologists said I needed to show her there was repercussions for her drinking. Three years after we first separated, Sharon drank herself to death. In those three years she was on her own, she never hit a bottom that couldn't fall deeper. After living through it all, I can say that Sharon needed more help than I could give her... or anyone for that matter. The doctors could not help her, I could not help her, the in-patient and out-patient programs could not help her. She needed to help herself. I feel bad that the last three years of her life was spent without me and her daughters by her side throughout it. To this day, my heart is with Sharon. She was my wife and I loved her deeply. She could not be around our children regularly, because of her drinking... And that hurt her tremendously. It hurt me too, and the girls. Ashleigh was never raised by Sharon. I brought her home from the hospital when she was four days old, and I raised her on my own. Ashleigh still remembers her Mom, but more as a friend who played with her. She was three when Sharon died. Maddie was eleven. The anniversary of Sharon's death comes up in four days. This time always makes me look back and think could I have done anything different that would have helped Sharon. My answer is no. I loved her with all of my heart. I tried to do what I thought was best. Later, I tried to do what the doctors said, even though I did not think it was best. Sometimes, the good can be the bad and the ugly as well. In the end, do what you believe is good, but like anything else, know that sometimes being good isn't going to be enough. "Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life." That's a quote by Walter Anderson. Well, part of a quote actually. Walter was getting a little wordy so I just distilled his words a little bit. There are a lot of Walter Anderson's out there, and I am not sure which one said this. I doubt it was the tax evader, but it might have been the CEO of Parade Magazine. Or one of about ten other famous Walter Anderson's!
To get back to the quote, bad things do happen to all of us. Oftentimes, those things do have a way of shaping our personalities a bit. But, no matter what happens, you ultimately are the one who decides who you are going to be and how you act. So many people want to blame others for their own shortcomings. They blame lying on how they were brought up, or backstabbing "because the person deserved it!" Truly, this is not the case though. God gave all of us choices. We all know right from wrong. The decisions are ours. Same thing with how we treat others and how we view the world. The decisions are ours. My wife died three years ago. It would have been very easy to just go around all depressed and generally be miserable. God knows I felt it for a long time! But that would not have been good for me, my daughters, or my friends. What good would it have done any of us if I walked around miserable? I made a conscious decision to be happy. To find the little things that could make me happy on a daily basis, and to celebrate those things. I go out of my way to do something enjoyable every day. Whether it is enjoying a cup of coffee, playing with Ashleigh, chatting with Maddie, or chit-chatting with my Mom over dinner. I workout hard two times a week, and make sure to read a little bit of fun stuff each day. There are other things I do also. I block people on Facebook who whine and complain and I try to avoid people who bring me down. I also try to avoid working out with people who don't add any effort to their workouts! These are little things, but I find they keep me happy. I honestly believe that God did not put us here to suffer. He also did not put us here to make others miserable. I try to treat all people with at least a modicum of respect, and I try to teach my daughters to do the same. Bad things do happen in life. And occasionally, they happen to good people. Don't let those things define you though. Grow past them! Remember the good times! Forgive those who caused the bad! Celebrate and remember the good times and special moments. And try to forget the pain. I have always had a high tolerance for physical pain. In general, my tolerance is high because I have learned to recognize the pain, and then put it in the back of my mind and ignore it. Focusing on the pain won't help me to function any better. Thus, when I have a choice, I recognize the injury, and then do my best to work around it as if it doesn't exist. I try to do this with emotional pain, too. It is a little bit harder to do with that though. When I think of my wife, I try to remember the good things about her, and try to forget the things that came from her addictions. Life is short. Don't spend time worrying about what you can't change. If something bad has happened. Make certain that it won't happen again to you, but then go on and live your life and not dwell on the past. That is what I am trying to do anyway. "Better three hours too soon than a minute too late!" That's a quote by William Shakespeare. Just goes to show that sometimes being a good writer just comes down to saying something in such a way that everyone gets it.
Take the above quote, for instance. What do you think of when you read that sentence? I can almost guarantee that you don't think of the same thing that I do. In fact, you could read that line every day, and, depending on your mood, you may think of something different. If it's early in the morning, and you are in a light-hearted mood, you might think of your first cup of coffee. If you are stressed out, it might remind you of a looming deadline at work. For me, it always reminds me of the same damn thing. And for the rest of my life, I think it always will. You see, this isn't the first time I have read that quote. Indeed, I see it all the time. The words may change a little... or the picture it is attached to. It doesn't matter. No matter how it is presented, it makes me think of my wife, and the things left unsaid between us. My wife's death came as a shock to me. Not that I didn't know she was struggling with problems that could eventually lead to death... I knew that! But just the way it happened. We never think that today may be the last day we see someone. Or, in my case, the last day we can get to say something to them and have them understand. You see, I got to see my wife each day for two weeks while she lay in a coma. She had died three times already by then, but the doctors kept reviving her. To me, those two weeks don't count. For me, the last time I spoke to my wife was on the day before I left for New Jersey with the girls to go to a concert with Madison. This was about two days before Sharon was hospitalized. We had stopped by to say good bye, and we spoke to her for a few minutes. Sharon hadn't been feeling well for the past few weeks and she seemed down. I thought it was because we were going away for a few days. As we got up to leave, Sharon came up to me and gave me a long hug, and whispered I love you into my ear. We were divorced by this time and just giving each other little perfunctory kisses on the cheek when we either came or went... you know, kind of like you do to people who are in your family, but you don't speak to a lot. Thus I was surprised when she did that. I wasn't surprised that she still loved me. I loved her as well. But that she would give me the long hug and say that almost as if she expected never to see me again. I, of course, didn't understand. She was saying her last goodbye. I just didn't realize. Never understood that she was that close to dying. For me, there were so many things left unsaid. So many things that tear me up inside because I was never able to tell her. There is no physical pain that can be worse than knowing you have things that have been left unsaid. Nowadays, I make sure to say I love you to my daughters multiple times per day. I figure it is better to be a lifetime early than even a second too late. None of us really know when we are going to take our last breath. Any of us could die tomorrow. Thus it's better to make sure that you say those things you feel to the people around you. Express love to your loved ones. Friendship to your friends and appreciation for those who help to make your life a better place. You never know when there will be no tomorrow. I learned this lesson a little too late. Don't let it happen to you. They say the early bird gets the worm. To be honest, I think that bird gets peace of mind! It's funny how the mind works. Every once in a while you'll hear an old song in a new light. It happened to me today. The song "Question" by the Moody Blues came on. I have known and liked this song for decades. I saw the Moody Blues in concert once back in the late '80's or early 90's (who can remember dates!). And yet, I saw the song in a whole new light today! For those of you who don't know it, the song is about the choices young men had to make during the Vietnam War. The writer, Justin Heyward, always said that the song was actually two songs he put together to make one. Well, when it came on the playlist today on my iPad there was one part that really made me feel a deep sense of loss. I'll quote it below and then give my thoughts on it afterward. If you don't know the song, I just posted it on my facebook page. Feel free to go listen to it there, or just look it up on youtube. "Between the silence of the mountains And the crashing of the sea, There lies a land I once lived in And she's waiting there for me. But in the grey of the morning My mind becomes confused, Between the dead and the sleeping, And the road that I must choose. I'm looking for Someone to change my life. I'm looking for A miracle in my life! And if you could see, What it's done to me To lose the love I knew, Could safely lead me to The land that I once knew... To learn as we grow old The secrets of our soul." To me, these are the words of someone who has suffered a great loss. They immediately made me think about my wife and how much I miss her. How sometimes upon waking in the morning I feel like she had been there resting with me, but that it is now time for me to return to the land of the living.
In the end, I think we are all looking for miracles. The one person who can bring happiness back into our lives. The only thing is, that that person is already here for all of us. There is no need to find them. We are it. Only you can control how you respond to life. You are the maker of your own reality. You can make it happy or sad.. Most of us let our reality bounce around so much that we don't realize the control we have over our own happiness. Still, life is better when its shared. Wanting someone new to enter your life is not a bad thing. As long as you don't make it the only thing. I chose the silence of the mountains, over the crashing of the sea... and that is part of how, I bring happiness to me. "“A lot of people get so hung up on what they can't have that they don't think for a second about whether they really want it.” That's a quote by Lionel Shriver. Believe it or not, Lionel is a woman. She was a tomboy when she was younger and decided to change her name from Margaret to Lionel because she thought the more masculine name was more fitting for her.
Not much for me to say about Lionel, I have never read any of her material and I didn't know she existed until I read her quote. I liked the quote, though, and it got me thinking. I get hung up sometimes... not so much about what I can't have, but what might have been...which I guess IS the same thing after all. A lot of times, I will be sitting around working or listening to music, and something will inevitably remind me of my wife. A memory will be triggered and I will feel a deep well of sadness as I think of the good times we had at one time or another, and then I miss her. At those times, I fail to remember the problems we had and how her illness impacted the entire family. It's the second part of the quote that really got me to thinking tonight. I heard a song and thought of my wife and really missed her. Then I read the quote and I thought "if my wife was still alive, would I be having those feelings right now?" And to be honest, the answer was no. Not because I didn't love my wife, or because I no longer love her, but because before my wife died, I had divorced her to protect my daughters. My wife's alcoholism was out of control (it ended up killing her) and she could not be around my children without another adult present. I brought my youngest daughter, Ashleigh, home from the hospital when she was four days old, and I have raised her on my own until my Mom came to live with us in 2013. My wife spent some of that time in and out of rehab facilities, but mainly was out on her own drinking. Don't get me wrong, my wife loved our daughters. She was just not physically or mentally able to stop her addiction until it eventually took her life. She died of esophageal varices. Scarring, or cirrhosis of the liver is the most common cause of esophageal varices. This scarring cuts down on blood flowing through the liver. As a result, more blood flows through the veins of the esophagus. The extra blood flow causes the veins in the esophagus to balloon outward. Heavy bleeding can occur if the veins break open. Well, Sharon's veins broke open on at least two occasions. The second one that I know of killed her. Sharon already had a damaged liver when we met in 1999. She died in 2013. Ashleigh was born in January, 2010. Sharon's descent into oblivion really rolled into place in 2009, soon after she had become pregnant with Ashleigh. She couldn't stop drinking during the pregnancy. Although this likely sounds hollow, I did not know the extent of Sharon's drinking and its impact on her until she was already pregnant with Ashleigh. I knew she had still been drinking before we decided to have a second child, but she believed that the pregnancy would force her to quit again, as she did when she was pregnant with Madison. Unfortunately, this time she couldn't do it. To protect the baby, we put Sharon into an in-house rehab program at Phoenix House in Keene while she was pregnant to help keep her sober during her pregnancy. She completed the program, but started drinking immediately after she came out of the program, about two weeks prior to when she was to give birth to Ashleigh. She got drunk and broke her ankle on the first night she was home from the rehab. She had gotten the booze in Keene prior to me picking her up at the rehab facility. When we got home, I never thought to look in her bag she had brought from the facility since I picked her up from the facility, and brought her directly home. My daughter was born two weeks premature and with alcohol withdrawal. They sent me home with her at four days old. She was underweight, and needed to be fed every half an hour for the first two weeks of her life. Somehow, I did it while looking for a nanny to help me with the baby, while also taking care of Madison who was eight, and still somehow doing some work for my business. I literally had no sleep for the first four days. On day four, one of the travelling nurses who visited me to make sure the baby was doing okay, called me back that afternoon and offered to watch the girls for me in my house, while I caught some sleep. She came over, and I slept for eight hours. To this day, I still believe that angels sometimes walk among us, and come to help us in our hour of need. Soon after, I hired a nanny and things improved a little bit. For the next three years, my daughters and I struggled with Sharon's illness, I don't want to go into what we all went through. (By all I include Sharon, because she was suffering as well. She was ill, and she was missing her little girls. The emptiness only added to the stresses that triggered her drinking.) Looking back now, it seems like our days were filled with policemen, ambulances, hospitals, lawyers, doctor's visits, court visits, and of course, drunken interludes by Sharon. To this day, when an ambulance passes us in either Rindge or Jaffrey Maddie and I look at each other. When Sharon was alive, we looked at each other because we wondered if it was Mom being brought to the hospital again (oftentimes, it was). Now, we just look at each other just to silently say we remember. I can no longer see an ambulance without thinking of my wife... even though she has now been dead for three years. So anyway, what about the quote? When the song played tonight, and I thought about my wife, I realize that she is dead and can't come back. I recognize that, yet I still remember our good memories. The bad ones I mentioned above, I try not to think of any more. Yet soon after those good memories hit, I read the above quote and I thought: "If Sharon could come back, just the way she was, would you want her to come back?" And my answer to myself was no, I wouldn't. Because although I have a tendency to remember our good times together, if I think deeper, I remember all of the unhealthy things that my daughters saw and experienced. And I would never want to expose them to that again! Ashleigh was very young then, and barely remembers her Mom. She did not understand any of the bad things that went on, and I'd like to keep it that way until she is older, and inevitably asks me about her Mom. Maddie does remember, though, and I never want to expose her to anything so tragic and psychologically damaging again. To wit, be careful what you sometimes long for, because not everything you might want or miss is good for you or your loved ones around you. Sorry for the long, weird post... But it's what was going through my mind tonight, and sometimes I need to think out an explanation for myself. Have you ever listened to a song with a happy and light beat and a cheerful tone, and then listened to the lyrics to discover that they are miserable or dark at best? I play music while I work often, and I use Spotify to do so. I put it on shuffle and let it run through. A moment ago, the song 'Fun' by Troye Sivan came on, and I noticed a certain message in it that I wanted to speak about. So, below are the lyrics and before you read my opinion; think about what YOU think it means. I think it's pretty self-explanatory.
But don't you wanna see the world, boy All the countries and the stars, boy Just don't look them in the eyes, boy You just gotta take their lives, boy Let me take you for a drive, boy Oh I swear you'll feel alive, boy All you gotta do is trust that I'm being true And do it for the people who love you Let's go have fun, you and me in the old Jeep Ride around town with our rifles on the front seat Fun, you and me in the Middle East Shooting at rocks, bullets cocked in the midday sun You and me in the old Jeep Ride around town with our rifles on the front seat Fun, you and me in the Middle East Shooting at rocks, bullets cocked in the midday sun Listen to what I tell you You'll see, my son Now you know what you gotta do Let's go have fun When you're standing on the line, boy Don't go looking for goodbye, boy Yeah, you gotta set them free, boy 'Cause you know that's what they need, boy Yeah, you're gonna make them proud, boy 'Til they put you in the ground, boy All you gotta do is trust that I'm being true And do it for the people who love you Let's go have fun, you and me in the old Jeep Ride around town with our rifles on the front seat Fun, you and me in the Middle East Shooting at rocks, bullets cocked in the midday sun, You and me in the old Jeep Ride around town with our rifles on the front seat Fun, you and me in the Middle East Shooting at rocks, bullets cocked in the midday sun Listen to what I tell you You'll see, my son Now you know what you gotta do Let's go have fun Let's go have fun Let's go have fun, you and me in the old Jeep Ride around town with our rifles on the front seat Fun, you and me in the Middle East Shooting at rocks, bullets cocked in the midday sun You and me in the old Jeep Ride around town with our rifles on the front seat Fun, you and me in the Middle East Shooting at rocks, bullets cocked in the midday sun Fun, you and me in the old Jeep, Ride around town with our rifles on the front seat Fun, you and me in the Middle East Shooting at rocks, bullets cocked in the midday sun You and me in the old Jeep Ride around town with our rifles on the front seat Fun, you and me in the Middle East Shooting at rocks, bullets cocked in the midday sun I think the song is clearly speaking about war. And while the song may get a bit repetitive; I'd like to dwell on the first verse a bit. It is literally talking about the delusion that the world offers up as glory for fighting in wars. They give the false image that you will get to see new places and that it will be thrilling; and that you'll be seen as a hero... but at the same time, to mindlessly follow order. "Just don't look them in the eyes, boy. You just gotta take their lives, boy". Don't look too close, don't see the truth. Just kill without reason. "All you gotta do is trust that I'm being true, and do it for the people who love you." Honestly, the message of being seen as a hero is strong in this song and it's sad because in today's world, it's true. Anyone Jo Shmo who goes off to the Army is automatically made out to be some kind of hero... and I'm sorry, but I just don't see it. Call me young, immature, or anything else, but in my opinion signing your life away in your most vital years where you could, I don't know, be getting a college degree or starting a family, is extremely foolish. Even worse, the cause for which you sign your life away! To go invade a country for monetary reasons; or for some non-renewable energy source... I don't see how anyone is still buying that. Have we not learned where war has left us in the past? Apparently not. I don't know where I was even going with this... I just think the country is manipulated; particularly the youth who think that the Army is the desired life. You may be seen as a hero; but do you really want to be known as a hero for supporting a corrupt cause? It's rather bittersweet, isn't it. We go to war to find peace and agreement. And that is every bit as bittersweet. - Maddie The way is not in the sky, it is in our heart. Above is one of the best pictures I have ever took. I was at the top of Pack Monadnock, looking out over the valley, and feeling very peaceful. I liked the way the clouds were casting shadows on the ground and decided to snap the picture. Usually, I am a horrible photographer, but this time, I think I really caught the peacefulness of the view. I like to look at that pic when I am feeling sad. I used to have it up on my computer as the wallpaper, but somehow it is no longer serving that function. I actually had to go look for it. Sometimes I feel down, and I don't know why. Like tonight, for instance. I had a very productive day and got a lot of work done. I was feeling pretty good most of the day, and shut down my computer with no intentions of working a bit later. It's rare that I do that. Usually, I jump on again after 9:30 and get a little extra work done... either because I wanted to get a little bit done ahead of what I was going to do tomorrow or, to be honest, just because I like to take my time while I work and work my own hours. Tonight I had no plans to do that though. I figured I would just relax. We have a lot of artwork up on our walls around my house. My wife and I used to go to auctions and antique shops on the weekend and to little artsy fartsy towns in rural New Jersey and Pennsylvania. Oftentimes, we would see artists drawing pictures of people in charcoal. On occasion, we would contact the artists and commission them to do charcoals for us. We would even hire artists from their websites to draw pictures for us. They now hang all over our house. Unfortunately, all of them hold memories for me. Sometimes, they are memories that usually don't necessarily attach directly to the picture. That's what happened tonight. I walked past one of the drawings, had a memory about what my wife and I were doing around that time, and boom, suddenly I was in the dumps. The above quote only loosely ties in to my post tonight. The sadness is in my heart, and yet the quiet, peaceful moment I am seeking is epitomized by the picture of the sky. The picture, is peaceful, but where I need peace is in my soul. The way to peace is through my heart, and yet, when I look at that picture, I remember the peacefulness of that moment. Memories are like a double-edged sword. They can cut both ways. At one moment, they can bring amusement or joy. At others, they can remind you of things that can never be again. Life is meant for the living, and yet so many times I look back to the dead. I think I like that picture of the sky so much because it is like looking at the future. Not the future that will be...but the future that can be. Hope rides in the air currents. "Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Okay, I hope my headline fooled you into thinking I was going to quote Frank Sinatra. Nope, this is a quote that I can't quite place. I like it though, and I thought it was worth a word or two.
I have had some regrets in my day... a little of each of them. And I must say that the first type of regret does evaporate over time. Meanwhile, the second type can be tricky. Sometimes you get a second chance to do them. Sometimes you don't. For most things, that's okay. But not for all things. For instance, never not tell someone you love that you love them. No matter how mad you may be at them at the time, or how much in a rush you are, make sure to take a moment and tell them that you love them. You never know when someone you love is going to die. We all have this thought in our heads that we will see everybody tomorrow. That is not always the case. Sometimes, the next time you see them, they may be in a coma. Or even dead. It's a little late to tell them how much you love them then. In fact, because this happened to me, I can tell you that it feels a little hollow. You wonder if they know you are there in the first place, let alone that they have heard what you had to say. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU. I can tell you, this really sucks. And it will stick with you for years. If you love someone, make sure you tell them that. Not just once in a blue moon, but every time you see them. It doesn't have to be in an overly dramatic or mushy way... Just a quick "I love you babe, as you give them a kiss good bye. For one day, it really will be your final good bye, Think about it. Make it a habit. And mean it. This is one regret you can definitely prevent. Not everyone warrants a last goodbye. But if you truly love the person, then you definitely need to make sure that you have said your final goodbye. Not only will it help them be at peace with you, but it will help you to be at peace with yourself! A wise man learns from other people's mistakes and doesn't have to experience the same circumstance to learn from it. This is one lesson that I truly wish I learned from somebody else. Be wise, learn this lesson from me. Tell the people you love that you love them every time you see them. Not only will this help you and them feel good while you and they are alive, it will make sure that you will always feel okay no matter what happens. Learn this lesson NOW! Do not wait to learn it through your own experience! I regret that I had to learn this lesson first hand. Never again! "Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye." H. Jackson Brown said that. If you ever wonder where I find all of these neat quotes. I get them Here: www.brainyquote.com. Although you can find quotes all over the web, I find this site has a nice selection and is easy to search through. You can search by topic or by author. I usually search by topic.
For today's quote, I used love as the topic. Why? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like the topics I choose are a little too somber or serious. Originally, I was looking for something humorous or light, but then I found the above quote. I thought about this quote for a little while before I decided to write about it...trying to figure out whether or not it was true. I think that it may be true. My wife was a beautiful woman and many people would think that with her problems, I likely chose her for her looks. This wasn't the case though. You see, my wife was married when I first met her, and I just saw her as one of the secretaries around the office. I lived along the shore in New Jersey when I was younger and a number of the guys from the office had chipped in and got a beach house in Long Branch. Given that I lived only 20 minutes from their house, I hung out with them all the time. One weekend, we were throwing a party at their house and many of the secretaries around the office were coming. Sharon knew about the party, but she hadn't been invited. I felt a little bad about that and invited her to come, telling her to bring whoever she wanted (meaning her husband was invited also). I did not expect her to come, but I wanted her to feel like she was part of the office anyway even if she couldn't make it. What I didn't know at that point was that her husband had died a few months before. I was really surprised when she showed up at the party that weekend around 9:30 in the evening. She had brought another one of the secretaries from Merrill, along with an Indian guy. When the guy went to get drinks for the ladies I casually said to her, oh, I didn't know your husband was Indian. She laughed and said he wasn't, her husband had died a few months back. I had never known. Well, one thing led to another, and we started dating that night. Still it wasn't a case of love at first site. I liked Sharon and realized she was very pretty, but I didn't fall in love with her until a couple weeks later once she read me her poetry. The raw power and emotion in her poetry spoke to me. The fact that she was willing to share it with me also made me feel a great attachment to her. I fell in love. About three weeks after that, she moved in with me. We were married six months later. Her poetry spoke to me, and my heart realized that I loved the beautiful girl who was reciting it to me. Sometimes our hearts do know what is invisible to the eye. I did know of Sharon's drinking problem before we got married. I married her anyway, figuring we would beat it together. It didn't work out that way. Sharon was ten years younger than me. I always figured it would be her holding me while I lay dying...when we were both old and grey. Instead, I held her as her life ebbed away while we were both young enough not to have too many grey hairs yet (I had many more than her). Sometimes the heart can see what is invisible to the eye. Other times, love is blind. My love was blind to the severity of the problems Sharon had, but my heart could see the beauty within her soul. My two daughters remind me of her daily. A look, a turn of the word, their talents, all remind me of Sharon. What my eyes don't consciously see, my heart knows. Well, so much for having a humorous post. Maybe tomorrow. "It is better to have a heart without words than words without a heart." Mahatma Gandhi said that one. Actually, it is a small part of a long-winded quote, which I really didn't feel like dealing with this evening. And anyway, the small part I quoted is really a good rule for living, if you really think about it.
Have you ever said something that you later came to regret? Or said, something that, while true, was very hurtful to someone and that really didn't need to be said in the first place? If so, whether it was about a very small subject or a life changing moment, those are still examples of words without a heart. Meanwhile, if you ever had your heart aching to tell someone something, but you could not find the right words to actually express how you feel, then that is an example of having a heart with no words. I have experienced both sides of that coin over the years, and I can tell you from experience that they both suck. If you ever experience the feeling of a heart without words, I recommend you find someone you can confide in that may be able to help you to find those words. Take it from me, IT IS IMPORTANT!!! We all think that there will be another day to express our feelings to the ones we love. It's not always true. In Genesis, it says " For you were made from dust, and to dust you will return." Believe me, you'd be surprised how quickly people can whither and die in your life. Your heart without words will come back to haunt you if you never act to find the words. If you take one idea from this post, make it the idea that a heart without words can torment you if you wait too long to find the words, or if you find the words and then decide to keep them to yourself until you find a better time to say them. A heart without words can quickly turn into a broken heart, or a heart of sadness. On the flip side, never say words out of anger only. If you know something you are going to say is going to hurt, and you truly love or respect (or both) the person you are going to say it to, then think twice about saying it. Is that one moment of satisfaction or triumph worth the pain you are going to unleash? Remember, just because something is true does not mean that it won't hurt the other person. Try and let your heart guide you in affairs of the heart. Let your head guide you in the logic of your actions. Usually logic will and can win out in both situations. Unfortunately, there will be times when you are emotionally hurt and your logic won't always win out. That is when you need your heart to do your speaking for you. NOT your emotions. Your inner feelings are from the heart. If the feelings seem to be emanating from your head, then that is an emotion. In general, your heart can express love, not like and sadness, not anger or vengeful feelings. Compassion comes from your heart. Revenge and tit for tat from your mind. All said, a heart without words is a call to find the words. Words without heart is a fool's errand. Love deeply. Forgive the small and inconsequential. Know yourself. And express your true feelings from the heart only. "And so castles made of sand, slips into the sea...eventually." That is a quote from the incomparable Jimi Hendrix. If you don't know Jimi. you just haven't lived! His songs are haunting, and stay with you for decades. At least they did with me.
When I chose the above lyric to write about tonight, I was thinking of my wife, and how her life just slipped away like a sand castle built too close to the water at the shore. But that is not what that lyric is about. If you listen to the song (Here is a link), I think he is implying that all life is transitory and that all dreams come to an end, no matter how strong a foundation they may have. In fact, all three stanzas of the song speak of broken dreams. The first two are tragic, a love that falls apart leaving a man shattered in the street, and a young boys dream ending the night before its achievement due to his unexpected death. It's only in the final stanza where the girl's dream is broken, but the outcome is for the good. What good is a solid foundation for our hopes and dreams, if it can all be taken away from us at any moment? Jimi never touches on the why of the destroyed dreams...what caused the relationship to crumble or what caused the sneak attack that took the young boy's life. Instead, he just focuses on that it happened...and that it CAN happen to any of us. How would you respond if your entire life was suddenly turned upside down? What would you choose to protect? What would you let go? How would you decide? Or, here's another question: How would your family respond if you died suddenly? Would they survive? What would they do? Or not do? I can tell you what I'd do for the first part. You see, it happened to me. I let it all go and tried to protect my daughters as best as I could. I fought the waves crashing into the foundation of my castle and shored up the defenses. Between the crashing waves, I trained in karate to forget for an hour each day all the troubles that were plaguing me. I took every step I could to shelter my daughters from the storm, and I came within inches of going bankrupt. I fought the storm until all of my hope was lost... and it was at that point, while I kept pushing on, that light finally appeared at the end of the tunnel. I know now that our lives are like castles made of sand. No matter how strongly we think we are grounded to reality. It only takes an errant wave to start our castle crumbling. Things have gotten a bit better lately. The tide has receded a bit. But I don't fool myself. Nothing is permanent. Each day, I make sure to hug my daughters, and tell them how much I love them. I try to have a smile for everyone. A joke or two for some, and wise words for others. While I tend to work hard, I try to set aside time for what is really important too. It is hard though, work has always been an interesting and fun part of my life. Still, I love to spend time with my daughters, or a few minutes with my Mom to enjoy a cup of coffee. Lastly, I look for a little alone time so that I can catch up on reading and write these blog posts. I like to look at my woods and know that I can walk out my door and enjoy solitude within fifty feet of my house. I think back on holding my wife while she lie dying in my arms. I held her for six hours. Words failed me. I tried to let her know that I was there for her, that she wouldn't die alone, but the words, I felt, were hollow. I wasn't dying with her, and in the end, we all die alone whether someone is there or not. I hope that she knew she wasn't alone. I hope she knew I was there for her, and that since the time we had started dating I had always tried to be there for her. My heart breaks thinking about her..about my inability to help her. Sharon died two years ago, and yet her castle is still washing out to sea. Some of her things are still out in the garage. I have been trying to sell them and/or bring them to good will, but it takes time and energy. The emotional toll is high. At times I feel my castle walls start flowing out to sea as well, and I know that I have to step back again and focus on other things. There are a lot of good things. I just have to look. I can't just wash away. I need to be a strong foundation rock for my daughters' lives. Because castles made of sand, fall into the sea...eventually. "It is hard to understand addiction, unless you have experienced it." That is a quote by Ken Hensley. He was the lead singer for Uriah Heep way back in the 70's. He was also a member of Blackfoot for a while, too. Anyway, someone I know sent around a black balloon on Facebook asking people to share it if they know someone who is suffering or had suffered with alcoholism or addiction. I shared the post since my wife died of her addiction. And the balloon has kept me thinking of Sharon since this morning.
Hensley's quote is correct, I think. Most people have no clue what they are talking about when they talk about addiction. People who don't know what happened with my wife have told me that "they can stop f they want to" or "they need to hit bottom first". If you ever hear either of those statements thrown out when talking to someone about addiction, then I can guarantee you that they do not know what they are talking about. I have had counselors tell me that Sharon needed to hit bottom before she could recover. Well, Sharon hit bottom after bottom, and never quit. I truly believe she wanted to quit...she suffered mightily not being able to be around her children. And yet, she never stopped drinking. She lost her house, her children, her husband. She went in and out of jail and rehab facilities, yet she drank until it killed her. Everyone is not the same. For some, a large loss of some type will start them on the road to recovery. For others, nothing will stop them if the issue that started the downward spiral to begin with isn't addressed. I hope that people fill Facebook with black balloons to bring awareness to alcoholism and addiction. So many families suffer from it. A couple of people have shared the balloon so far. I am honestly not expecting many to do so, however. So few people recognize their own addictions, or those of the ones they love unless it is a hard drug of some sort. No one thinks of their smoking friends as addicts...or their friends who like to get drunk on the weekends as alcoholics. If people miss those easy ones, then they certainly won't realize the people who are addicted to carbs or the people suffering from an eating disorder. For those of you who know me, if you see the balloon up on my wall, share it. I doubt it will help anyone...or really make a difference at all for any addicts. What it might do, though, is help to remind someone who has lost someone to addiction that the person they lost wasn't trying to hurt them. That addiction is a disease and that it needs to be treated as such. If you know someone who is suffering from an addiction, don't wait for them to hit bottom. The bottom they hit may be the bottom of a grave. There is no easy answer to addiction, but pretending that the person "did it to themselves" is NOT the answer. If you know someone who needs help, there are places that can be useful. Here is a List of Rehabs. Click on the link and it will show you rehabs in your area. The two that Sharon went to did not help her. Sharon had addictive personality disorder and her circumstances made it very hard to diagnose. We sent her to alcohol rehabs, when in actuality she likely needed a program that was designed for multiple addictions. Share the balloon, and share the above link. Who knows, maybe someone will be helped by it. I don't like to be sad. When I am sad, I usually cry. I am sad when I do things I am not
supposed to do and I get yelled at for it. I like to be happy. I am happy when I surprise people and make them happy. Happy is better then sad. Ashleigh "The tree of knowledge is NOT the tree of life. Those that know the most, must mourn the deepest." These are thoughts from George Byron. George was an English poet with a title. This is America so he can keep the title in England. At any rate, Byron seems to believe that you need to be intelligent to truly understand sorrow.
I am not certain that he is right about that. I think all people have the ability to feel sorrow, regardless of whether they are smart or not.I have known many intelligent people over the years, and many fools as well. All have felt sorrow at one point or another. I think the ability to feel sorrow has less to do with intelligence, than the ability to feel empathy for others. You can be the smartest person in the world, yet if you can't feel empathy, then its likely you will never know deep sorrow. Narcissists seem not to feel sorrow. If they did, they would likely not go through life hurting people with their self-centered actions. Byron seemed to be a narcissist, he had multiple lovers of both sexes, and he really didn't seem to care whether they were married or not. It is these actions that make me think that he didn't care about anything but himself. Still, Byron was a well-known poet of the romantic movement. and he was well educated for his day. It's possible that he was able to separate the sorrow he felt, from the potential sorrow he caused others. Do intelligent people feel sorrow more deeply? Or are they just better able to express their feelings? A well educated person likely has a fuller vocabulary than someone who is not well schooled. On the surface, that would make it seem like they felt sorrow more deeply. Having a title, it's likely that Byron rarely felt the sorrow of the lower class. What he saw, he saw from a distance, and that likely colored his view. When I started writing this post I had chosen sorrow as a topic because the mother of one of Madison's friends died yesterday. Maddie and I stopped by her house today (I am also friends with her grand parents) to drop off some food and pay our respects. Speaking with the grandmother I felt great empathy for her. It had nothing to do with my intelligence, or hers. It had to do with the look of pain that crossed her face on occasion and in the fact that I knew the feelings she was feeling as did Maddie. We have both suffered a great loss in our lives and we could feel the woman's pain since we had experienced a similar loss. Some lessons from the tree of knowledge (and the tree of life for that matter) are better left unknown. As for Byron, much of his work is forgettable in my opinion. As is this quote. Leave him and his writing for the Greeks. They revere him. We all live in an illusion of some sort or another. Whether that illusion is love, happiness, hate, or something much smaller... we are all fooled by it at some point or another; even us realists. The reason I am choosing to write about this is due to my dad's post from yesterday. He wrote about the quote "Nothing is more sad than the death of an illusion".Clearly this quote is a load of bullshit, and my dad made that quite clear in his post.
That set aside, I'd like to briefly discuss some of the most common illusions that a lot of us live in. Beauty There was once a time when the beehive hairstyle was popular. Dear God, what dark times those were! However, in some people's eyes, it was beautiful (as shocking as that may be to believe). It isn't very popular now; but you can still see people walking around with them. The beehive became singer Amy Winehouse's trademark look while she was still alive! The point is; we all have different definition of beauty. So while something may be beautiful to Bob, it doesn't necessarily mean that the same thing is beautiful to George. It all rolls down to perception; once again. Love Love is an illusion no matter how you look at it. I don't think anyone really knows what it is; we just know what we THINK it is and so we carry along with it. Once again- perception. I've seen so many of my friends who are young fall into "love" and let it destroy them far more than it should. In our teenage years, I really believe it is impossible to know what love really is due to the ever-changing hormones that control us a bit. I don't think ANYONE knows love. As I mentioned above; we jut pretend to. It's just another illusion- and a hard one to break, at that. Time Time is the biggest illusion of them all; however. Time is and always has been a man-made construct- but so many fail to see it as this. As far as we're concerned, time always has been. But that's obviously not the case. We live in the illusion; however... that there will always be a tomorrow. That there will always be a second chance. That we have all the time in the world to fix our mistakes... but it's not the case. Today could be our last day; and we may not know it. It's up to us to make the best of our lives while we're here... because life could come to a screeching halt at any time. ~Maddie "The measure of who we are is what we do with what we have." Of course, that's a quote by Vince Lombardi. Vince was the coach of the Green Bay Packers in the 60's and led the team to 5 NFL championships in seven years and won the first two Super Bowls. It's funny to me how many of the best motivational quotes out there seem to come from sports personalities. With all of their wisdom, they seem to think that the greatest impacts they can make in their lives is in playing and coaching sports.
I admit, I am of two minds on this issue. My Dad was a basketball coach, I have coached basketball in the past, and I am currently a sensei and I help to train people in karate. Obviously, I do think that there are benefits to sports and training. My problem with sports is when it becomes an obsession for people. Particularly for people who are not participating in it, but are just watching. I have seen grown men fight because they were rooting for opposing professional teams. I have seen grown men point at others and call them names because they are wearing a hat with the logo of an out-of-town team. It disgusts me. As I have grown older, I have stopped watching professional sports nearly all together. On occasion, I will sit through a game that is on TV while at a family gathering. I have no real interest in who either wins or loses. It's just on and so I will sit down and watch it with the other men at the gathering. Oftentimes, I end up falling asleep on the couch. It wasn't always that way. When I was younger I used to go to the games and root for the Rangers, the Knicks, the Giants and the Yankees. I collected baseball cards and yearbooks and had the pennants for many of my favorite teams. My epiphany came in 1982 when the NFL had their strike-shortened season. That is when it really hit home that professional sports, were not about the teams, but were just a business to most of the players and the team owners. The fans were a revenue source to these men and that's about it. Major League Baseball's strike-shortened season in 1994-1995 just reinforced my view. In the end, I started to feel like I was rooting for a corporation...which I was! I realized that since it was silly to go out and root for Procter & Gamble or Whirlpool, then it was equally silly to go out and "root" for these sports teams. Once I stopped caring about these corporate teams, large swaths of time opened up to me to do other things. While I could still enjoy watching a good play, I saw it as just that a good play by a talented individual...that I usually just saw on a highlight reel. I also found a new respect for amateur sports. The kids were still playing on teams and were loyal to their teams. They showed courage and skills and were not being paid millions (or anything) for their efforts. So how does all of this have anything to do with my opening quote? I don't know really. This post took a 90-degree turn from where I was originally headed with it. To get back to the quote, I think he was 100% correct in his assessment. It's just too bad that he likely meant it in how it pertained to sports. There is so much more to life than "sports". When your life gets so wrapped up in sports that everything else in your life takes a back seat to it, you end up missing a lot of what life has to offer you. Special moments with your wife or son or daughter. Time that you never have a chance to recapture. What you choose to do with your time does say a lot about who you are. It doesn't always say what you want it to say...particularly to the people who love you. So what's important to you? Better yet, who is important to you? Do your loved ones take a back seat to your passion for sports? Or are they front and center your reason for being? What we all have is time. What you choose to do with it IS the measure of who you are. Does it matter more to you that strangers have a good opinion of you, or your family? While everyone needs to answer this question for themselves, make sure that your answer doesn't measure up short with the ones you love. Hugs- something so basic and over-looked. Today, I think I realized their true importance and how much they can mean to you or someone else without meaning it. This morning, Dad and I had a rather pointless argument that ended in me being a complete witch and saying "no" to hugging him. Now this to the reader may not seem like a lot but... every morning since the day I have been born, I've given my dad a morning and good night hug. It's our tradition. We do it because we know the value of life... how short it is and how each day can be so easily taken for granted. This hug is a representation of our love for each other as father and daughter, and it proves that we don't go to sleep pissed off at each other.
Now, at the end of this argument my dad stated "I could be dead tomorrow" and I replied, "so could I." He then said "That's why I'm hugging you" and then he hugged me, even though I didn't reciprocate. However, his words really hit me and in a way, hurt me... even though I know it wasn't intentional. You see, when my mom passed... I never really got to say goodbye. The last time I saw her, I was leaving to go to NJ and I gave her an empty, meaningless hug and said "Bye". I regret that more than anything... I wasn't mad at her, but the meaninglessness in it haunts me til this day along with the knowing that I never got a proper good bye. We went to NJ, and we got a call that she was in the hospital... we came back immediately but it was really too late. My mom was in a coma and hooked up to too many machines to count, and over the course of 2 weeks spent in that same hospital bed her situation got worse and worse and she was resuscitated 3 times. There would likely be brain damage even if she survived, and finally... the decision was made to pull the plug on her life support and she died in my Dad's arms. Life is short and taken for granted SO OFTEN... hugs are also taken for granted and I know this too well. I got no closure with my Mom, and I would never forgive myself if I let it happen with anyone else... especially my Dad. I love you so much Dad and I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me. My advice to anyone and everyone... life is too short to be wasted on bitterness and hate. Cherish the time with the ones you love. Life is just a large hourglass... and we never know when our sand will run out. ~Maddie |
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