""Years of love have been forgot, in the hatred of a minute." That is quote by Edgar Allen Poe... In fact, Maddie used this quote in one of her blog posts earlier today. I wanted to touch upon this quote because I think he got it wrong. Not wrong exactly, but just not quite right.
Years of love can be forgotten in a minute, but I don't think it is driven by hatred. Instead, I think it can be driven by hurt, sorrow, despair, misunderstanding and fear. You see, I've seen it happen, and I know that while it can and does happen, that the love can still be remembered again and acted upon. My wife's illness once drove a wedge between me and her as well as with others in the family as well. Sharon's disease was complex, and difficult for an adult to understand let alone a child. Although her actions hurt her, and ultimately killed her, her action's also hurt other family members. We couldn't understand what made her drink, and her actions and the lies surrounding them definitely led to anger, pain and sorrow. At some points, those emotions would rise up and obscure the love that Sharon had for all of us. It sometimes blinded me to the pain that Sharon was in and the pain that our reactions had on her. You see, the pain worked both ways. We were hurting from her actions and the stress and emotions they brought out in us, and while we witnessed the physical pain her addictions were causing her. The emotional turmoil it was causing her was often overshadowed by our feelings about what was happening to our family. Resentment and anger would come to the forefront and become hard to overcome. Sometimes to the point where it obscured the years of love that were there hiding just beneath the surface. The love was being obscured by the pain that we were all feeling. Anger, and frustration would, at times, seep to the surface, and the years of love were forgotten for a time. To be honest, I think the emotional pain and suffering was felt by all. None of us were immune to its effects. We all suffered our own private hell. What times takes away, it can also heal. I think with closure, memory comes back. At first in trickles and small rivulets, finally in a torrent. While not all memories return, I think enough good ones come back to remind us that love was there, and that it can, with time, overcome despair, anger and sorrow. In the end, years of love cannot be forgotten. Obscured for a short time? Yes. But forgotten completely? I don't think so. In fact, I know so. So don't despair. No matter how much true love can be obscured and forgotten, with time the long years of love will be remembered... and bring comfort.
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Last night it hit me how much getting older sucks. Cheap words coming from a 15 year old, right? Just hear me out. I was standing outside with my dad and I glanced up at the stars (I promise, no more quotes from earlier) and I realized that I didn't have the time to sit and gaze at them without feeling like I was falling behind my own schedule. Lately, I've felt quite overwhelmed... even though I suppose I shouldn't.
I'm balancing a relationship, 3 classes (one of which is a college course) all on an accelerated pace, karate, practicing technique, kickboxing, and that's before you add in all the errands I run with my family AND the time I take to help my friends along with spending time with my dad and sister. Oh, and let's not forget church and the time I spend hiking and relaxing myself so I don't go insane. I know this sounds like a lot of complaining, but it's not, trust me. If I wasn't satisfied with my life I would be making the necessary changes (to my ability at least). No, I'm very happy with my life... I just wished there was more time. More time to relax, more time to enjoy the little things in life. I wish I had the time to properly spend a few hours with my sister. I wish I had the time to relax outside and stargaze. I wish I had the time to hike for awhile. I wish that I could balance everything out perfectly; so I didn't feel as though my schedule is constantly full... because while I'm happy, that's how I feel. It's a struggle. And I feel bad for not being as available to help people. I feel bad for not having the time because sometimes I forget that it's not my responsibility to keep everyone happy; try as I may. I think that sometimes, I need to step back and realize that I need to be keeping myself happy, too. Because at the end of the day, when I die I'll be dying for myself and no one else- and I'd rather have a life of happiness behind me. "Time is free, but it is priceless. You can't own it, but you can use it. You can't keep it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it... you can never get it back." "Time is what we want most, yet use the worst." "There is only one thing more precious than our time, and that is who we spend it on." "You will never "find" time for anything. If you want time, you must make it." "If you don't make the time to work on creating the life you want, you're eventually going to be forced to spend a lot of time dealing with a life you don't want." - maddie These final 3 "things" are not quotes, but thoughts of my own that I am choosing to bring forth without inspiration. These are the final 3 things that I believe so many adults have forgotten.
I'm not even going to mark these off with numbers. I believe that too many adults have forgotten the sensation of being young. Too many have forgotten the days where grades didn't matter as much as time spent with friends, and the times where young love seemed to be filled with hope. Too many have forgotten the rush of late nights and the thrill of adventures never told to parents. Too many of you have entirely forgotten that time when you're young is extremely precious. You only have ONE chance to be young, one chance to make your own mistakes. You're only given one chance to create the stories you will someday tell your children. You've forgotten that not all kids are horrible examples. Some of us are very innocent. Just because some of us make poor decisions... it doesn't define the rest of us. We don't all want to throw late-night parties or sneak out to get drunk and stoned. We don't all want to waste our lives pointlessly. Sometimes, when we hang out, we just want to laugh and enjoy each other's company- not do illegal things. Sometimes, we just want to talk shit about that ONE annoying person that no one likes. Sometimes, just sometimes- we just want to be allowed to sit outside at 3 am and watch the stars while talking with our close friends. Right now, I want every adult to close their eyes and for just one moment, let go of every adult thing about them. Just try to remember what things were like when you were a teenager- without any adult biases. What were your dreams and goals then? What did you want more than anything? What did your parents never know? What memories did you make to tell your kids and more importantly, what lessons did you learn to pass on? Don't even tell me in the comments. Just think about it. - Maddie I like to do a lot of things. I like to play with Daddy, and I like to eat hot dogs. I also like to play tug-of-war with the dog, and play with my sister. These things are all fun to do, but I also do things that I need to do too. Sometimes, what I like to do and what I need to do are the same things! And that is the best of both worlds!
Ashleigh I'd like to apologize for not having posts up over the past two days. Our internet provider upgraded their system, and somehow, our internet was blown out. They finally figured out what went wrong and finished it this afternoon.
I work from home on the internet, and I went to Keene for 2 days with my work computer to get work done. I stayed in a hotel, which was very nice for what it was. If you need a reasonably-priced room in Keene, try the Best Western. The staff there is nice and the clientele are quiet! Anyway, I am still behind on work, so I am going to keep this one short. I will try to get three posts out on the weekend in case you really missed your Mountain Rant fix! The girls will also be writing, so keep your eyes open. They had a nice two-day break from school work, so they should be ready to go! (Hint, hint girls!) "Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant." That is a quote by Robert Louis Stevenson. Okay, although not a household name today, Stevenson was very popular during his day. In fact, while I would think that less than 25% of the sheeple could name him, I think most would have heard of one or the other of his two most popular works, which remain in print today even though he wrote them in the early 1880's. So for those of you who don't know, Stevenson Wrote The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde and Treasure Island. Although these are his works that still get read today, he was a very popular travel writer in his day, as well as a poet and political activist. A very interesting character, if you have nothing better to do some day and want to read about him.
To get back to his quote, I think it is important to take your eyes away from what you are getting and to look at what you are giving. For it's what you give that will ultimately come back to you in multiples. Many of the happiest people I know are always giving. Not giving money, mind you, but time. Their time. They may give it in small intervals, or in large blocks. It may be a second to give a smile or a moment to pass along a kind word. In the end, Time is all we have with value. Buy a new car and it loses about 20% of its value the minute you drive it off the lot. Give a person a smile and they may remember it for ever! Same with five minutes of your time. Take a few minutes to sit down and chat with someone you know. As long as they are not late for an appointment or something, I will guarantee that they will appreciate it and remember it. If you want to be happy, then plant seeds of happiness. You do this with your time and manner. Meanwhile, if you plant the wrong seeds, you are setting yourself up for a harvest of discord in the future! If you smile and say a kind word, you are more likely to get that in the future. And the funny thing is, while you may be planting the seed and thinking that it only impacts one person, you are wrong. People can and will see what you do... and treat you accordingly. I know that if I constantly see someone smiling... even if they are not smiling at me, I am more likely to smile when I speak to them or if I am around them. Why? I am not certain. I think it is because I like to make people feel comfortable and if they are smiling, then I have a tendency to imitate them to some extent. It is the same with someone who is always zinging other people. I find I am more likely to throw a zinger at them than nearly any other person. I try not to zing anyone, but sometimes I just feel that a person deserves a zinger, particularly if they have been undeservedly zinging someone else. To tie things up. Spend time treating people the way you yourself want to be treated, and I think that over time, you will find that you will be surrounded by people who will treat you the same way. Trust me on this, talk nicely with people and they will speak nicely with you. Treat them nicely and they will return the favor. That is how life works! My life anyway. Well, usually. There will always be one or two people who will be acidic no matter what you say or do. Still treat these people politely, but don't expect too much in return. You can call a car a jet plane, but it ain't ever gonna fly! One more thing. One of our readers gave me a beautiful card the other day that really helped to lift my spirits, and I just wanted to say thank you. I'll say it to you in person at karate too, but I suspect you read this blog and I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about that card while I was writing this post. A kind word can go a long way! Thank you! For the past few days, time has been on my mind. How it works, how it was created, how we never seem to have enough of it in our lives and when we do seem to have enough; how we waste it. I don't know. I've been reflecting on life a lot lately as changes have been happening within my own concerning my friends; and I needed a bit of a release; some relatability. Now, when I'm looking to relate to something- I go automatically to google and search quotes; which is what I did earlier today. Since it's late and I don't have any fully-formed thoughts on time yet, I'm going to leave you with my favorite quotes about time that I found.
There's only one thing more precious than our time, and that's who we spend it on. Every moment is precious to those who know the value of time. Regret for wasted time is just more time wasted. Spend time with the ones you love, for one of these days you will be saying "I wish I had" or "I'm glad I did". We say we waste time, but that is impossible. We waste ourselves. Life is short- there is no time to leave important words unsaid. - maddie “For the sole thing of which any man can be deprived is the present; since this is all he owns, and nobody can lose what is not his.” That's another quote by Marcus Aurelius. While I usually agree with the man, and I get where he is coming from here, I just don't agree with him. Yeah, I get it, nothing you have is really yours because when you die you lose it... blah, blah blah.
Obviously this man had never lost a loved one. My wife died. I did not. I lost my wife, my friend, my companion. Even worse, I lost potential. For while no man owns the future, we all plan for one anyway. My wife and I were no different. We had our plans and dreams. When her illness took a turn for the worse, and we had to separate, a lot of our ""potential" was taken from us. Who knows what we would have done, or if we would have had another child. Where we would have gone or what we would have done. When my wife died, I lost much more than my present. I lost a number of potentials. Now, not all of the potentials I lost were good. As in anything, there is the good and the bad. When she died, I lost the opportunity to do something differently with her. Unless you know you are dying tomorrow, the loss of potentials is devastating. Have things gotten better for me since my wife died. Yes, the only constant is change and with time, all things change. But I still miss my wife and sometimes, when I have absolutely nothing to do, I think back on the might have been. Although new futures have opened to me, I was forever deprived of the future I had been actively building. As for the present, the only way you can deprive someone of the present is to kill them. As long as they are alive (and, I would argue) conscious, they have a present. It may not be exactly what they expected, but they still have it. To me, losing my future is much worse than losing my present. It's worse, because every time I think of it, it comes back to haunt my present. This picture is by Maddie Maddie and I went to see The Who last night at TD Garden in Boston. And boy, did they put on a great show! I was a little concerned heading into the show because a friend of mine saw them playing the Superbowl and said they sucked. I decided to go anyway, since I have been listening to The Who for over forty years and I love their music. I am so glad that I did! I thought they did a great show. Both Roger Daltrey and Pete Townsend are over seventy years old, and while they have lost a step in old age, and don't move around as much as they once did, they both still sound great. Keith Moon and John Entwistle had both died years ago, so others have taken their place and did a great job as well. This wasn't my first time seeing The Who, so I have some basis for comparison. I saw them rock Giants Stadium back in 1989, when John Entwistle was still the bassist. My history with the band goes back even further though. Meaty Beaty Big & Bouncy was one of the first albums I ever bought back in 1976,.The Doors' LA Woman was the other. Both albums had already been out for a few years before I got them, but to be honest, they both came out when I was five, so I wasn't buying anything, let alone music back then! I still have both albums too! These bands and their albums, have been a huge part of the sound track of my life. Tell me, what was playing in the background during important moments during your life? For me, oftentimes it was bands like The Who, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, The Doors and Jimi Hendrix. In fact, "Thank You" by Led Zeppelin was My Wife & I's wedding song. The singer for our wedding couldn't really get it, so we did not play it at our reception, but we did dance to it before we left the house on the way to the church.
Last night, it felt so good to share such a large part of my life with my daughter. She doesn't know how much it meant to me that she actually enjoyed it. My daughter and I have gone to concerts before, but this was the first one where I likely had a better handle on the music than she did. I caught myself a few times leaning over to tell her something about the song coming up after I heard a note or two of the opening and recognized it. The memories I had while listening to the music, and being able to share some of that with her while she was experiencing it for the first time truly made my night. What's more, one of my daughter's friends also went to the concert with his parents and she ran into him there. Now, she will have her own memories from the show that he too will be able to relate to. He was in a different section than us, but he stopped by to see Maddie, which I think helped to make the night a little more memorable for her as well. There were so many songs I knew and loved played last night that I had a tough time picking just one favorite. I remember singing along to Love Reign O'er Me and Join together, as well as You Better You Bet and Won't Get Fooled Again. Pinball Wizard was done really well and Eminence Front (one of my favorites) was a first for me, since they didn't play it at the show I went to in 1989. Oddly enough, Maddie's favorite song of the night was called The Rock and is a purely instrumental piece. She liked it for what they dedicated it to and for the scenes they flashed up on the screens as they played it. Her next favorite was Baba O Riley. Maddie loved the concert too, by the way. One song that they didn't play that I remember from the 1989 concert was Magic Bus. Before the concert even started, they had a little film on the screen talking about the band and one of the things they mentioned was that John Entwistle used to hate playing that song in concert since he really only got to play one chord and that the song would usually go on for six to eight minutes and he would be really bored. When I read that, I knew we were not going to get Magic Bus... and I was right. Another song that was rightfully absent was Summertime Blues. In 1989, the concert I went to was on the July 4th weekend, and The Who played that song as one of their encores.Well, March is still winter in New England, so there was no Summertime Blues. Well, I think I have rambled long enough. I am happy that I got to share one of my favorite bands with my daughter. These guys were good in 1989. After so many years, I think these guys were GREAT in 2016. Now that they are in their seventies, I am not sure if they will be able to tour much longer. I hope they do. I would love to bring Ashleigh to see them one day when she is old enough. My thanks to The Who ... for making music I could grow up with. What amazing memories. Thank you. Sometimes, things are said so perfectly that you just have to quote the whole thing. I was thinking about my wife tonight, and this song came to mind. Although things weren't always smooth between me and my wife (the alcohol played a large part in that), we always loved each other. In the end, I divorced my wife to protect our children. Her drinking was getting out of control and it was endangering the girls. We remained close after the divorce and I held her for six hours after they removed her life support. She died in my arms. Here's to you Babe. If I could save time in a bottle The first thing that I'd like to do Is to save every day till eternity passes away Just to spend them with you If I could make days last forever If words could make wishes come true I'd save every day like a treasure and then Again, I would spend them with you But there never seems to be enough time To do the things you want to do, once you find them I've looked around enough to know That you're the one I want to go through time with If I had a box just for wishes And dreams that had never come true The box would be empty, except for the memory of how They were answered by you But there never seems to be enough time To do the things you want to do, once you find them I've looked around enough to know That you're the one I want to go through time with Jim Croce
Daddy's birthday is coming up next week. My Daddy is going to be 50 years old. Guess
where we are going? we are going to Texas Roadhouse! Happy Birthday Daddy! Ashleigh “Time is a river, a violent current of events, glimpsed once and already carried past us, and another follows and is gone.” Yep, that's another quote by Marcus Aurelius. I would have liked to have met the man. He certainly had a lot of interesting things to say. Even better, he wrote them down... or someone did.
I think at one time or another, all of us say something that should be written down. The problem is, no one does, and so our great pearls of wisdom are lost to the river of time. All of us have some wisdom to share. Oftentimes, our wisdom is wasted on fools, or is thrown out to those who really don't deserve it to begin with. Time really is like a river though. It flows past us. Sometimes it seems to move slowly. Other times it is a fast-moving torrent. Memories seem to be the eddies of the time stream. I should know, I get caught in them constantly...sometimes tortured by them. Over and over round and round the same memories flow through my mind. Sometimes they work to boost me up and push me forward with my life. But, alas, the same memory will then drag me back to where I have already been. Reliving a moment does no good. The outcome can't be changed. How I wish that all of my memories would bring smiles to my face. Life would be much easier if all memories could be good ones. They can. My memories can make me smile, but then that same memory can bring a tear to my eye. An eddy, that never allows you to break free totally. Men have been on this planet for thousands of years. And we think we know what they did and how they lived. And yet, most of us don't even know how are neighbors live. I have a diary I tried to write about ten years ago. In it are ramblings that I thought would remind me of what I was doing. What a farce! I look back at it now and most of it is bullshit that nobody would ever want to read after getting through the first page or two. Hell, I find it boring and I wrote it! For every moment, there is a season. And once that season passes, those moments slip away to be forgotten. Very little of what I wrote about makes up my current memories. Long-winded lines of things that were on my mind then (similar to this, I guess). Nowhere are the memories that I remember back on now. My daughter grabbing my finger just minutes... no seconds after she was born. My daughters first word, shouted over and over again in the local Taco Bell... Da! Da! Da! Da! Da! (Oh, how those moments mean so much to me!). My wife, sitting on a couch beside me reading me her poetry. This was just after we had our first date. My realization that I was falling madly in love with her. Memories of a golden retriever that wanted nothing more than to be by my side. Time, we are in the stream but for a moment. Yet in that moment we must make memories that last for eternity. What memories do you want on your mind at the moment when you will cease to exist? Time is a man-made construct. We are all allotted our time in the sun. What is the meaning of our lives? The meaning is up to you. The meaning of life is to give your life meaning. The saddest thing is to see someone pass away before they figure out that meaning. The day finally arrived- my sister turned 6 years old on the 18th of January. I, to be honest; was in a small state of disbelief- I still remember my sister when she was a newborn and I can't get that image out of my mind... seeing her as the girl she's matured to be is amazing and scary, at the same time. That being said; I'd like to make this a short (yet meaningful) blog post.
The key behind it is that time goes by WAY too fast and we don't take enough time to appreciate it as it is. We don't make enough memories or savor the times as they come and go; and before we know it... our little sister has not only turned 6 but has also grown up and gone through middle school, highschool, a black belt test or two AND gone to college. I honestly don't know how my dad is dealing with me growing... especially with my attitude and everything else. However, I try to savor moments and times spent with my little sister so that when she gets older, I'll have something to look back on and smile about. That's almost the point of this blog; in a way... it's and active time capsule that everyone in my immediate immediate family can contribute to. While it can be a chore at times; I do see the good intent behind it and I DO think that it will be quite beneficial when I get older. Moral of the blog post? Savor the good times and enjoy your memories. Take time to stop and smell the roses. ~ Maddie "Life is about timing." That is a quote by Carl Lewis. It's simple, to the point, and so true! There is a lot to think about when you say "life". But if you distill it down to the key element, it all comes down to timing.
Take something as simple as crossing the street. If you do it at the wrong moment, you can be struck by a car and killed. Think about when you met your significant other. Remember back to a specific moment that could have changed the outcome of your life. For me, it all came down to a simple walk on the beach. Sharon, Leora myself and one other guy were going to go for a walk on the beach. The two girls and I were hanging out all evening. I had a feeling that Leora liked me while I liked Sharon. I thought that she might have liked me as well, but I wasn't certain. As we took our first steps on the sand, I reached out and grabbed Sharon's hand. If I hadn't, there is a chance that we never would have gotten married. The timing was perfect. Either she would hold my hand and walk with me, or she wouldn't. It was a gamble since we really didn't know much about each other at that point. We both worked at Merrill Lynch... but she was twenty three and I was thirty three. It was a risk worth taking though, since I was very atracted to her. There have been other instances where I have been in the right place at the right time, but that was the most meaningful to me. Other times, I have been places where good things have happened, but I have been a minute or two too late to reap the benefits. Sometimes I have also been at the right place, but at the wrong time. Life is a mystery, but one thing that I have noticed is that when the timing is right, magical things can happen. The best way to increase the odds that good things happen to you is to be prepared to take advantage of opportunities given to you. The best way to do that is to know what you are looking for, and then place yourself in a spot where what you want is most likely to happen. If you want to meet someone who is well read, then you are much better off going to a library or a book store than a bar. While you could meet a well-read individual at a bar, your chances are higher at the book store or library. Another way to improve your timing is to be curious. Questions are an easy way to break the ice, and most people are willing to talk to someone if they believe they can help them out. By being curious and asking questions you can improve your chances of landing job, finding a significant other, or even just a new friend. Be open to new experiences and look for the good in everything and everybody. By placing yourself in new situations, you increase the chance that something new and exciting can happen. Don't get into a rut, and remember. Timing can be everything! Nothing can describe how much I love this quote. It's direct and right to the point, and very true. I'd like to break it down into sections really quickly.
Time is free, but priceless. Time is everyone's to own, and yes- it is free. We can do whatever we'd like with the time we're given and we need to make the correct choices with our time. Time IS priceless. More of it can't be bought, and everyone has only a set amount of it starting when they are brought into this world. Spend your time wisely. You can't own it, but you can use it. Time cannot truly be owned. Yes, we all have a set amount of time- but we aren't sure of how much of it we're given and it can be stolen from us so quickly. In our amazingly short lives, all we can do is use the time we're "given"- but don't own in the first place. Don't confuse this quote; however- any time you are given IS YOUR OWN, not anyone else's. You can't keep it, but you can spend it. Oh, how true. I'm sure most of us wish we had saved time spent foolishly when we look back on the situation at a later point in life. However, time waits for no one and moves forward always, so it is impossible to keep it for our own. We can only choose HOW we spend our time. Spend it wisely, because at this rate it should be established that you CANNOT get it back. Once you've lost it, you can never get it back. Tying right in with what I just said... time is invaluable because it only happens once. It can't be regained. I personally wish time could be regained... because knowing the outcome of some stuff that has happened would make me change my actions. But time can't be changed. It can't be fixed. It's neverending and never-stopping. So... All this being said... You are only given a set amount of time to live. Waste it foolishly. ~Maddie "Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye." H. Jackson Brown said that. If you ever wonder where I find all of these neat quotes. I get them Here: www.brainyquote.com. Although you can find quotes all over the web, I find this site has a nice selection and is easy to search through. You can search by topic or by author. I usually search by topic.
For today's quote, I used love as the topic. Why? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like the topics I choose are a little too somber or serious. Originally, I was looking for something humorous or light, but then I found the above quote. I thought about this quote for a little while before I decided to write about it...trying to figure out whether or not it was true. I think that it may be true. My wife was a beautiful woman and many people would think that with her problems, I likely chose her for her looks. This wasn't the case though. You see, my wife was married when I first met her, and I just saw her as one of the secretaries around the office. I lived along the shore in New Jersey when I was younger and a number of the guys from the office had chipped in and got a beach house in Long Branch. Given that I lived only 20 minutes from their house, I hung out with them all the time. One weekend, we were throwing a party at their house and many of the secretaries around the office were coming. Sharon knew about the party, but she hadn't been invited. I felt a little bad about that and invited her to come, telling her to bring whoever she wanted (meaning her husband was invited also). I did not expect her to come, but I wanted her to feel like she was part of the office anyway even if she couldn't make it. What I didn't know at that point was that her husband had died a few months before. I was really surprised when she showed up at the party that weekend around 9:30 in the evening. She had brought another one of the secretaries from Merrill, along with an Indian guy. When the guy went to get drinks for the ladies I casually said to her, oh, I didn't know your husband was Indian. She laughed and said he wasn't, her husband had died a few months back. I had never known. Well, one thing led to another, and we started dating that night. Still it wasn't a case of love at first site. I liked Sharon and realized she was very pretty, but I didn't fall in love with her until a couple weeks later once she read me her poetry. The raw power and emotion in her poetry spoke to me. The fact that she was willing to share it with me also made me feel a great attachment to her. I fell in love. About three weeks after that, she moved in with me. We were married six months later. Her poetry spoke to me, and my heart realized that I loved the beautiful girl who was reciting it to me. Sometimes our hearts do know what is invisible to the eye. I did know of Sharon's drinking problem before we got married. I married her anyway, figuring we would beat it together. It didn't work out that way. Sharon was ten years younger than me. I always figured it would be her holding me while I lay dying...when we were both old and grey. Instead, I held her as her life ebbed away while we were both young enough not to have too many grey hairs yet (I had many more than her). Sometimes the heart can see what is invisible to the eye. Other times, love is blind. My love was blind to the severity of the problems Sharon had, but my heart could see the beauty within her soul. My two daughters remind me of her daily. A look, a turn of the word, their talents, all remind me of Sharon. What my eyes don't consciously see, my heart knows. Well, so much for having a humorous post. Maybe tomorrow. This is a part of a quote someone wrote about an acid trip they had been on. Although I wasn't really interested in his trip, the above phrase really stuck out at me. At first, I thought the answer to the implied question was easy. Words were a form of communication, while silence was, well, really quiet! But then I started thinking about it. Sometimes silence can convey as much meaning as words. I started thinking about the last hours of my wife's life. She was dying in the hospital and was in an induced coma. She could hear what was going on around her at times, I knew, because I saw her react to things that I said, and actually try to open her eyes when my daughter came to visit her. There was so much I wanted to say to her as she lay there dying...but I didn't. I held her for six hours, yet I didn't say more than a few words to her. I held her in my arms until she died. I was afraid to say too much to her because I did not want to wake her up enough so that she knew what was happening to her. I didn't want her to know that my heart was breaking, that Maddie and Ashleigh were now going to grow up without a mother, or even that her parents had already left to go back to England. I did want her to know four things though, that I told her within the first few minutes of my vigil. My promises to her and my love for her. After that, there was over five hours of silence between us. Yet in that time, communication still occurred. I held her as lovingly as you can, while one is in a hospital bed, and the other is just kneeling on a chair next to the bed. I put my arm around her shoulders and let her head rest between the pillow and my shoulder. I tried not to move too much, because I did not want to jostle her out of unconsciousness. After three hours, I needed to pee badly. But I still did not move, because I thought she could go at any moment. You see, no one had told me that when you took someone off of a ventilator, they could live for hours. I hope that she somehow knew I was embracing her and that I wasn't going to let her die alone. I truly want to believe that at some point, she knew I was there with her. Words can sometimes fail us...but an embrace cannot be faked. At least not for six hours anyway. The whole time I held my wife, her eyes were closed, as if she was sleeping peacefully. The violence of her breathing belied the reality behind that picture though. When my wife finally passed away, I gave her a kiss and got up to go. I couldn't really walk yet because my legs had been in one position for too long. Instead, I stood there and answered a question the nurse asked me from across at the nurses station. I only looked towards the door for a moment, but when I looked back, Sharon's eyes were open. Now I know that muscles relax with death, and that it was an involuntary reaction. Yet her eyes seemed to be looking right at me. Were they accusing me? Were they thanking me? I don't know. My wife was already dead. I like to think that God was giving her one last look at me, before she began the long wait to see me again in heaven. The silence in the room was palpable. I mumbled "good bye my love", feeling a great well of sadness that never really goes away, and I then went out of the room. Sometimes, silence is the only way to convey a thought or action. Other times it is not. When Maddie was young, I sang to her often. Nowadays, I sing to Ashleigh. And she sings back to me. Maddie has outgrown my singing for the most part. Every once in a while, I will sing the song I made up for her to her anyway. I have made up very similar songs for both of my girls. I have also combined them to make one song to convey my feeling for both of them. The songs allow me to convey my love for my girls in a fun way without being smothering. I sing them to myself sometimes as I think back on little things I have done with one girl or the other in the past. Ashleigh gets a song nearly every time we go to karate alone together. The words, in this instance convey the message. It's a message that I never want them to forget. My daughters are growing up fast now. And I am growing older. In less than a decade, my eldest daughter will be leaving my home to start her own family. That is the reality of life. And yet I will continue to sing my Maddie song. As I did last night, and again today. I sing it to myself...or the Ashleigh song, when my spirits need a lift. Sometimes I sing it out loud, but usually in my head. I hope I have sung it enough so that somewhere in the back of their minds, they will remember them. Remember it, and recognize it. So one day, when they are well into their nineties, (at least) hopefully, they will recognize that song and not be afraid as they follow it back to its source in heaven where I will be singing it to welcome them home, and our family can be together again for eternity. The Maddie Song
M-A-D-I-S-O-N Daddy loves Maddie Madison And who's my good girl Mad-i-son? Daddy loves Maddie Madison. Daddy loves Maddie, Daddy loves Maddie. Daddy loves Maddie Madison! And who's my good girl Madison? Daddy loves Maddie Madison And who's my good girl Mad-i-son? Daddy loves Maddie Madison. Daddy loves Maddie, Daddy loves Maddie. Daddy loves Maddie Madison! The Ashleigh Song Who's my good girl, Ash-e-leigh? Daddy loves little Ashleigh. And who's my good girl Ash-e-leigh? Daddy loves big girl Ashleigh! Ash-e-leigh Ash-e-leigh! Daddy loves Ashleigh, Daddy loves Ashleigh, Daddy loves big girl Ash-e-leigh! And who's my good girl Ash-e-leigh? Daddy loves big girl Ashleigh! Ash-e-leigh Ash-e-leigh! Daddy loves Ashleigh, Daddy loves Ashleigh, Daddy loves big girl Ash-e-leigh! The Sisters Song (this is Ashleigh's favorite) Who's my good girl Madison? Daddy loves Maddie Madison. And who's my good girl Ash-e-leigh? Daddy loves little Ashleigh. Mad-i-son! Ash-e-leigh! Daddy loves Maddie! And Daddy loves Ashleigh! Daddy loves both his little girls! And who's my good girl Ash-e-leigh? Daddy loves big girl Ashleigh! And who's my good girl Madison? Daddy loves Maddie Madison! Ash-e-leigh! Mad-i-son! Daddy loves Ashleigh! And Daddy loves Maddie! Daddy loves both his little girls! Once again, blogging late. I hear my grandmother on the stairs as I type this. She's coming down to tell me to get to bed. Most nights, I see this as a nuisance. I mean, I'm 14. I can stay up later than she can. It's not as though I have school tomorrow or anything, anyway. Most nights, I would yell, bitch, moan and carry on. But not tonight. Tonight... I can appreciate my grandma coming downstairs at 2:00 AM. Getting out of bed, disturbing HER sleep, just to make sure I get some. Every morning, she's up at the crack of dawn to cook breakfast for all of us, clean, and make sure a load of laundry (often karate clothing) gets put on and finished.
After my dad's influential post from earlier... I have realized the importance of time. Of not wasting all the time you're given pissed off at those around you... those who are your family, those you LIVE WITH and those who love you dearly. I don't take enough time during my day to appreciate my grandmother, and to thank her for all she has done and all she does do for our family. So I guess... let this post be that. Grandma, thank you... For the important lessons of kindness, compassion and religion For being there for late-night chats For the female advice For the financial stability you provide for the family For the cooking, cleaning and housework you take upon yourself to keep our house presentable For helping to give my sister a proper upbringing For leaving where you spent most of your life to come live in a completely different world here in NH For teaching me how to be a strong, independent woman with the lessons of cooking, cleaning, housework... and morals For the long drives For the days out and the time spent together For everything 💕 Thank you. ~Maddie "Time is what we want most, but what we use worst." That is a quote by William Penn, and although it is very short...it is also very true! I guess you can say he wasted no time in writing that thought!
To give a good example of wanting time, yet wasting it, take this post for instance. I started writing it this morning around 10:00, but I quickly got busy and didn't get around to coming back to finish it until 10:20 this evening. Naturally, what I am writing now is different than what I would have written then. Unfortunately, I had a very full day in between. I completed a spreadsheet for a new company I am covering and wrote two thirds of the report for it. I will likely go back and finish the report once I finish this post. I also made changes to six reports that came back from editing and sent an additional two reports in to the editor. I have sent out five emails to various people solving near-term issues, and I have worked Ashleigh through three lessons for her home schooling. Maddie and I have had three discussions about her school work as well. At 3:45 I showered and got ready to help teach Ashleigh's karate class at 4:30. After the class I stopped at Mc Donald's for a cookie for Ashleigh and a coffee for me. I then drove home, dropped Ashleigh off, and picked up Maddie for our karate class at 6:00. After class, we stopped for a coffee (I know I am addicted!) and a soda for her. We came home, ate dinner, and I worked with Ashleigh on her blog post. I also downloaded a program I needed for work while I waited for Ashleigh to finish typing in her blog post. Once she was done, I went upstairs to spend a little bit of quality time with Ashleigh. Now, as I sit here, I am reflecting on all of the time I have wasted over the years doing things that were not productive. Arguments with my wife that I wish never happened. Hurt feelings about little inconsequential things. Time I spent angry or upset. I regret the moments I never got to spend with a friend or my wife or children because I chose to do other things. I think of the work I have yet to do on projects due next week and I think, in twenty years, no one will remember what I wrote, or for that matter whether I was right or wrong with my call. My report is good for about a week or two after it is published. After that, no one is likely to read it again, except for me, at some point in the future, when I am getting ready to write another report on the company in the future, and I then want to see how I phrased something in the past. Time is a man-made construct. What we did in the past can't be undone. There is no guarantee we will be around in the future to do anything. We make plans anyway just in case. What we have now is this moment. How are you going to spend this moment? Reading this blog post? I will tell you how I am going to spend my next moments...the best part of my day. I am going to go and hug my daughter Ashleigh good night. I will give her a kiss and tell her I love her. I will then give my Mom a kiss good night and tell her I love her. Finally, I will go in and give my daughter Maddie a hug and tell her that I love her as well. That is how I wish all of my moments to be. Letting those I love know that I love them. Instead, life happens and I do other things. Enough things so that most of my day is taken up with things other than me focused on the ones I love. Make time for yourself every day. Spend that time with the ones you love. If you must do other things. Do them efficiently so that you will actually get the time to spend with the ones that you love. As far as I know, we are only on this world for one go around. When you are on your death bed, are you going to regret that you didn't get one more report done? Or might you regret the day a long time ago, when you were alone on the beach with the one you loved, and instead of just enjoying the moment you were worried about writing a report that nobody now even remembers or ever gave two shits about? In the end, we all have responsibilities and work. We DO NOT have to worry about it though. We should get it done as quickly as we can while doing a good job with it and then move on to do other better things with the ones we love. I miss my wife, and while I regret the times we were together where we were arguing. If we could have seen the future, I think we would have spent those moments differently. I know I would have. The fact is that none of us can see the future. Because of this, I think it is best to act towards each other how we would if we could. I am not talking about neglecting your responsibilities. I am talking about the time it takes you to do your responsibilities, and then what you do with your time afterwards. One day will not be another day, for all of us. What do you hope that you will do on that day? Since there is no way to tell when that day will be for you or your loved ones, It's best to spend those precious moments between responsibilities as if there was no tomorrow...for one day, there won't be. "Time is a sort of river of passing events, and strong is its current; no sooner is a thing brought to sight than it is swept by and another takes its place, and this too will be swept away." That is a quote by Marcus Aurelius. If half the quotes attributed to him are truly his, then this man was a genius and about a thousand years ahead of his time! What a simple, yet elegant and accurate way to describe time. Brilliant!
Time is like a river, and, to paraphrase Chaucer, "it waits for no one". Over the past few years, I have felt like I have been caught in one of time's eddies. I've grown older, yet my life hasn't moved forward. I've whirled around in big lazy circles caught between memories and sadness. It's only recently that I have broken free from the whorl and begin to inch my way forward again. Life goes on for the living...if we allow it to. It is so easy to get caught in an eddy and stay there. Memories of what was and thoughts of might what have been fight for attention versus the reality of now. Some how, memories of the bad are suppressed, and thus the past becomes more of a fantasy world. Meanwhile, reality is here right now. Waiting to be made into memories. Life should be lived in the currents of time not the eddies. Head for the rapids and enjoy the ride. |
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