Sometimes excruciating pain can be hidden by a smile. A lot of times, it's hard to tell when someone is in pain. To me, there are three types of people in this world.
The first type, feels pain and is stopped by it, Whether it is physical or emotional, these people feel pain and stop. They just can't function until the pain goes away. Often times these people won't admit they are in pain, at least not to friends and family, they will just slowly withdraw from life and do the minimum they can to get by The second type of person is the type that feels pain and wants everybody to know that they are hurting. They usually won't come to a dead stop, they will just keep on, but with a reduced capacity. They will go to doctors if the pain is physical, or seek emotional support if the pain is mental. These people will often times find an end to their pain and are likely to have gotten help to fix things. In my mind, they are likely the healthiest of the three types. The third type, are people like me. I am a pain blocker...or at least I try to be. When I get hurt, I acknowledge the pain but then try to put it away some where so that I can go on doing whatever it is I am doing. I do this both with mental and physical pain. In the past, I have walked around with broken ribs, practiced karate during a bout with gout and I have popped a number of my toes back into place after they dislocated. Physically, probably the worst pain that I worked through was when I was a walk in to the intensive care ward at Princeton Hospital. I had caught C-diff and was bleeding internally. The doctor told me he didn't know how I was even standing let alone walking. As a child, I remember playing sports while injured. I played team sports, and I often believed it was better for the team to have me play hurt than to not play. The year I did that, I was the scoring leader for the entire league. Our team went on to win the league championship and we had an undefeated 12 - 0 season. I honestly believe that by playing hurt (sprained ankle) I helped to keep our team undefeated. We had a good team, but our bench was not deep. Later, I played football and soccer the same way. I remember my first knee injury, when I initially cracked the cartilage in my knee. I was taken off the field after the initial injury, but went back into the game a few plays later. While it hurt, I didn't yet know the extent of the damage. I just figured it was badly bruised and I would get over it after a play or two. I played defensive tackle for the rest of the game and also played on the offensive line. After the game, I then went off and played in a soccer game. By the time I came out of that game, my knee had swelled like a soccer ball. X-rays later revealed I had a hairline crack in my cartilage. Over the years, I also got good at hiding mental pain...well, maybe not so good. I drank a lot when I was younger, and some of it was to help me to change my mood. If you asked me back then why I drank, I would say to get fucked up and be social. But those weren't my only reasons. I see that now. I also drank to ease the emotional pain I was going through. I always tried to bury that deep, but it was there none the less. The sad part is that I can't even tell you why I had those feeling. Why I felt sad, or unliked. I had lots of friends and acquaintances, and a family that loved me. Still, my head was filled with self doubts and sadness. Going out with my friends and getting fucked up let me forget for a while. I never seemed sad while at a party, but there was always a part of me that felt I didn't actually fit in, even though I usually seemed to. Our minds can be our own harshest critics. While we can use our minds to block pain, sometimes we also use them to block the realizations that can help us to resolve our pain. My pain stopped when I felt needed. Not wanted, not liked or even loved, but needed. My wife and I fell in love. I needed her in my life, and she needed me. Her need for me to be strong for her and our family took away my pain (at least the pain that had been haunting me...new pains came from our relationship). I look back at my younger years and I see a pain that didn't need to be there. My wife's need filled my heart with love. It healed me of my sadness. Everybody needs to feel needed. To not feel needed, to not feel like your life makes a difference, is a pain much worse than any physical pain you can endure. My wife died two years ago. She still needs me. She needs me to pray for her and light candles (and I do) and she needs me to take care of my two beautiful daughters. My daughters need me...to be there for them and to show them how to live a happy and fulfilled life. I try my best for them. And in return, I need my daughters. I need them to teach me about myself, to remind me of their mom, and to enjoy their company. I love to watch them grow up and to keep filling my head with new memories. I love to have one on one talks with Maddie while we are riding to or from somewhere. Meanwhile Ashleigh is my ray of sunshine! I love to watch the progress she is making while she learns to read, and the leaps of logic that she makes when she recognizes a pattern in what she is doing. Watching the girls learn new things is a thrill for me! Do I still block pain? Sure. My knee is a mess and I have my usual bouts with arthritis. Mentally, I am still coming to grips with my wife's death, but I am seeing more rays of sunshine all of the time! In the end, don't let pain stop you. Mental pain can go away. Fill the empty spaces where it had reigned with happy memories that you create each day. You can create a happy memory each day! Sometimes you just need to look for them. It's the little things that drive happiness. Fill your life with little bits of happiness and you will soon find that the mental pain will recede to the back ground. I hope these thoughts can help some of you out there who may be suffering with something similar. There is already too much sadness in the world. Work at bringing a little bit of happiness into your own world each day, and I think you will soon find that it will be infectious for the people around you. Good night,
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