Today... today has been an extremely long, hard, yet fun and calming day... and I want to touch on some aspects of it and just share my thoughts. Apologies if I ramble... I have a lot in my mind and it's 12:00 AM right now. Bare with me.
For starters, today would have been my mom's 40th birthday. Semi-monumental, and even though on August 1st it'll be two years since her death, it still hit me pretty hard and after reading the post below written by my dad... I wound up with tears in my eyes and a lot of memories in my head (despite previously saying that I wouldn't cry. Ha. Who was I trying to fool). I knew it was her birthday and all... but I tried to ignore it. Tried to ignore the never-ending Facebook posts, tried to ignore the sadness lurking in the back of my mind, tried to push her out of my head completely. Looking back on today, I think it wasn't a good idea... avoiding her only made it worse at the end of the day when I FINALLY sat down to read my dad's long and extremely thoughtful blog post. All the memories I had been pushing out. Everything I'd been shoving away and trying to forget; not even just today but since her death... they all flooded back in one huge tidal wave of sorrow and emotions and that came out as tears for me. I miss my mom, I really do... I mean, she was my fricking MOM. You can't expect me not to miss her. So even if I act all heartless or like it doesn't bother me... don't believe it. I've just learned to move on past it. Did her death hurt me? Yes, to a degree... but it helped to know that she was finally out of the pain she had been calling "life" for so long. Do I get upset about it? I didn't cry at her funeral. I rarely cry solely about my mom... usually she just ties in with something else troubling me in my own life. Never JUST her (until tonight). Does this mean I don't care for her or love her? ABSOLUTELY F***KING NOT. I love her to death. I love her AFTER death, what am I saying. She taught me SO MUCH when she was alive and she was truly a wonderful mother; set aside from her disease. I never once heard her talk rudely... she was always polite and graceful, no matter what. I miss her very very much. But that was just ONE part of my day. I'd also like to talk about my Dad. Tonight, I dragged my Dad off to see Paper Towns- a movie that is wrongly stereotyped as a 'chick flick' simply because it was written by John Green (the author of The Fault In Our Stars, for those of you that live under a rock) and it was actually a really awesome movie. TFIOS WAS a chick flick. This was distinctly not. It was funny, suspenseful to a certain degree with just a touch of romance. It ALSO triggered a bit of nostalgia- at least for my dad. The story is centered on teens in high school and the misadventures they have... some of which my dad remembered from his high school years. You see, for me at least... when I go out to the movies with my Dad, it's not JUST about the movie. In fact, the movie is just a small highlight for me. What I truly cherish are our conversations while going to and from the movie theater. Like yes, I do enjoy the movie and the popcorn and the wiseass remarks that are often thrown at the screen throughout the film... but that's not what I will remember years from now. What I'll remember is driving down bare roads in the black of night with barely any light to guide us, with the windows rolled down and the breeze tousling my hair out of place just talking. Talking about everything. Him telling me his memories and simply reminiscing over what once was, sharing his joy and in a sense, his memories... with me. It was nice. Just letting him go on and trying to put myself in his place. Also, advice. Have fun, but don't be stupid. Make memories; because that's what life is truly about- but make GOOD memories, not stupid, un-necessary memories. And then just being able to open up to him and talk about my fears, my anxiety, my style, who I am and what I love... and it was great. It was exactly like talking to my best friend... because that is EXACTLY what it was. Yes, my dad is my best friend. And I couldn't ask for a better one. I honestly feel sorry for people my age who don't have dads... or who can't spend time with their dads... because oh my god... it's the best thing ever. I know that for teenagers... connecting with parents is tough; especially when the parents aren't open to talking or just crush your dreams. That just sucks. But to be honest..? Most parents want the best for their kids and any so-called "hardship" they put you through is only to strengthen you for the life you inevitably have ahead of you. It's going to be a LOT tougher than not having internet access for a week... or not being able to hang with your friends... or even not being able to play video games. What about, say... not having electricity. Not being able to pay bills. Having no job. No car. NO PLACE TO LIVE. One day, you will have to grow up and all the lessons your parents teach you? That's what they've learned throughout their life and we need to honestly shut up and respect them sometimes. Because let me tell you: nothing can slap you in the face more than driving down a highway at 11:30 at night talking to your dad and realizing that HEY- he was young once too. He was stupid, too. He made his choices and saw where it brought him and how it could have gone differently. He teaches me to think for myself, to make my own choices in life and to be independent. Some people think he's insane for giving me so much leeway, for letting me MAKE so many choices and for letting me be myself; but I think it's pretty damn awesome and one of the best ways to parent. If you can't go and be open with your parents... there's something seriously wrong and you need to take a step back and re-evaluate and TRY. Parents... parents SHOULD be your best friends. You SHOULD be able to tell them anything without fear. You SHOULD be able to talk and make jokes and not feel uncomfortable and you SHOULD love them unconditionally and respect them... because in the end, they are people too. Not just people; but the people who made YOUR existence possible. Think about that the next time you argue with your parents about something pointless. I don't know... but I aspire to be like my dad in many ways when I grow up. He's an awesome person, an awesome friend, and most importantly, and awesome dad. Thank you. And good night. Maddie
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