I have a theory that once you pass a certain age, usually somewhere around 7 or 8, you lose true, unfiltered happiness. The reason for this? You become aware of the world; and its problems, and the fact that everything isn't sweet and innocent. You're forced to take responsibility for things and you're taught to worry about things you never knew existed. For me, my awakening came at 7 years old, when I learned about my mom's alcoholism and the effect it was having on our home.
And come to think of it... since then, I can't remember what the feeling of happy is like. I mean, yes... I get small little bits of it every now and again, but it is not the pure joy I used to have when I was little. And it doesn't last. It stays for maybe a few minutes, IF THAT, and then I go back to my... I don't even know what to call the state I live in. Depressed? Calm? Nervous? Angry? No; none of these are what I live like... if anything, I'd say I live in a numbness. I'm often called bitter, depressing, or extremely pessimistic by my friends- but I think the only reason for this is because I choose to be extremely blunt about things. I know the importance of the truth, especially on meaningful things in life- and so I'm brutally honest. If you're being an idiot and ask me what I think of your decision... I'm going to tell you exactly what I think of it, PLUS more, likely. Don't like it? Don't ask. Once you've heard my bitterness once, why would you come back for more..? Do you REALLY think I've changed? No. But the reason I refuse to live life without wearing rose-colored glasses is because to be honest: life sucks, and shit happens. And you deal with it. And move on as best you can. I can't pretend to be happy. I can't. If I smile or laugh a little, hey, I'm happy; even if it's just for a little. But I try to not live in my past. Forgive and forget but never forget what the past has taught you. Take everything as a lesson and learn from it. Stay quiet unless spoken to, but don't be afraid to stand up for what you love. Be yourself. Rules shouldn't be followed unless they are meaningful to you and/or affect the outcome of someone else's life. Don't be something you're not for the sake of fitting it. Be honest. Be loyal. Do not hate without reason. Don't believe rumors about yourself or anyone else. Trust few. These are the warped rules I try to live by... and it works well. Am I happy? I'd love to say yes... but that just wouldn't be the truth. At least not now. Hopefully I can re-find some sort of happiness in the future... even if it's temporary. If I can find it and be happier than I am currently, that is a good thing! But until I do; I'll continue to live as I do- it hasn't failed me yet. Maddie
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