The holiday season has begun, and with it- my "seasonal depression". Most people love the holidays and get cheerful and over-zealous, while others get stressed about literally everything. As for me? I just get very... quiet. I don't like snow, I don't like Thanksgiving, and in particular I do not like Christmas. I know this sounds like a depressing post, but I really need to let this out and I blog about what's on my mind and this is it today.
Don't get me wrong, when I was younger I loved Christmas. It once was a happy holiday for me, filled with joy and giving and caring... and to some extent it still is. I just have very bad memories from a few years ago of stress and pain that make it very hard for me to be jolly. I think that a lot of my sadness surrounds my mom. She used to be a big part of the holidays for me; and when all the trouble began... things lost their enjoyment. The holidays became a time of stress and nervousness for me because I became scared that we wouldn't be able to make it through a holiday without something going wrong. It's sad, but true. After my mom passed away, all that was left to fill the place she filled were bad memories and grief. It sucks, but I really do not have many good or happy memories of my mom and I hate it. I hate having to remember pain when I try to think of someone who impacted my life so much. “But the memories that hang heaviest are the easiest to recall. They hold in their creases the ability to change one's life, organically, forever. Even when you shake them out, they've left permanent wrinkles in the fabric of your soul.” “Tears are handy for washing away troubling and sad feelings. But when you grow up, you'll learn that there are things so sad, they can never be washed away by tears. That there are painful memories that should never be washed away. So people who are truly strong laugh when they want to cry. They endure all of the pain and sorrow while laughing with everybody else.” “The moment we accept our pain is the moment we release our suffering. Suffering is created when we offer life resistance, and what we resist most are the experiences that bring us pain.” “The most painful moments and memories eventually lead to the greatest strengths and growth in life.” “Remembrance is a strange thing. With love its pain is bearable. With bitterness it simply destroys.”
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