I read an article earlier today that had all sorts of questions on it. It was titled: Deep Conversation Topics. Many of the questions were very personal and something you would likely not answer truthfully unless you were very comfortable with the person asking you the question. Even so, there were a few soft ball questions that I think anyone would openly answer. Below, I will ask and answer a couple of questions. If you disagree with my answer, then write in and give your point of view. With that said, here we go!
"If you were given an envelope with the time and date of your death inside, would you open it? I thought this was a rather silly question since it could never happen, unless the person was going to murder you right then. Otherwise, there is no way anyone could know for certain. Still, just to pay along with the nonsense, I will give it an honest answer as if it could happen. I would open the envelope. Why? Because I would like to take the week off before my death just to get all my affairs in order so that my daughters wouldn't have to do it, and so that I could spend some extra quality time with them. if it said I was dying young, I would also take out extra insurance so that my daughters would be very well off after I died (ha ha). Moreover, if my death was still a long ways off, I would make sure to start knocking things off my bucket list of things to do before I die a little more quickly. In hindsight, isn't that what we should be doing anyway? Trying to experience life to its fullest before it is too late. While I realize the question is stupid on the surface, it does make you see the error of your ways if you are not living your life to its fullest. In that regard, it was a good question. So what will you do now, to make your life a little more lively before you die? Personally, I am slated to do one of the things I have always wanted to do this summer. I am taking my girls on a cross-country train trip starting in Boston and finishing in San Francisco. I used to be a rail stock analyst and on a number of occasions I went on train trips with the railroads on "track inspection" tours. Usually, these tours were in the southern United States. I always enjoyed them and thought that a trip across the entire country would lead to some great scenery and a pleasant trip. I want my girls to see the country, and not just see cities that they fly to, thus I decided this was a great way to have them see the country, while also fulfilling one of my little dreams too. I am looking forward to the trip, and for the first time in a long time I actually can't wait for the trip to begin! "Who are you really? Who is behind the mask that you show to the rest of the world?" Ah, here is a question that I think everyone really has trouble with. We all wear many masks depending on either who we are with, or where we are, or what we are doing. No, you say? You are always the same. I honestly doubt that. Let me give you some examples. When you are in a church, do you act differently than when you are outside of it? Are you quieter in the church? How do you act in front of your boss compared to how you act with friends that you have known for years? Do you act differently at home then you do when you are out? I think the answers are a resounding Yes! And it's okay! We all need to show restraint at times... it's normal! But, whether it is normal or not, the truth is that some people only know a caricature of our true selves. Sometimes, we even fool ourselves. Here is a perfect example. I am an introvert. At the same time, I can be very sociable. When I was younger, I was afraid that people would think I was strange and a loner if I was too quiet. Thus, I forced myself to go talk to people and try to make them laugh. I did this so much, that most people, including my oldest daughter, think I am an extrovert. And, to look at it from their point of view, I certainly do look like an extrovert... when I am out in public. When I am home, I am happiest just being around my family. I can stay in the house for days on end without ever feeling the need to go out. In fact, I am happy to just let the phone ring sometimes and not answer it. Certainly not the actions of an extrovert! So what is behind your mask? I am an introvert. I am very observant and I am a thinker. In fact, sometimes I likely overthink things. By trade I am a stock analyst. It is a great profession for me because I like to think logically, and look at how things are related. I analyze everything in my life and the environment around me. Analyzing a stock is just an extension of my personality really. When I was younger, I would jokingly tell people I am an opinionated guy and people pay me for my opinion. That line always got a good chuckle, but after a few years, I began to realize that the statement was entirely true. So what other masks do I wear? Father, son, sensei analyst, friend, worker and friendly person. I wear them all interchangeably. With some people, I am like Janus, and they get to see me with more than one mask. With others, I am opaque, and they really have no sense of who I truly am. With myself? I am a bit of a mystery. I see the many masks that I put on, and while I hope I know the true face that is underneath, sometimes I even surprise myself with what is really inside. Last one: "What is holding you back from being the person you truly want to be?" Oh, the answer to this one is easy really. On the surface at least. What is holding me back? Fear. Not a physical fear and not a fear in all aspects of my life, but fear is the answer anyway. Fear of how I will be perceived by others, and particularly the ones I love. I try not to let the fear stop me from being who I am, but every once in a while, something will come out of nowhere and make me think about something in my life. Here is a recent example. This may get a little lengthy because I think I need to explain a little about my past and my present. In the past, I worked as a stock analyst in New York for a number of different firms. Oftentimes I had to wear expensive suits because I would be meeting with management teams or other analysts and I was expected to look successful at all times. For about twenty years, I had to wear suits fairly regularly, although not every day. When I started my own business, I did not have to wear suits often since a lot of my work was done at home on the computer. I began to dress comfortably, which to me, means in a jeans and a Tee shirt. One social worker who was working with me and Sharon noted that I was always in jeans and a tee and pointed out to me that it was like my uniform. When I said that I could wear whatever I liked, she said yes, and yet you choose to wear jeans and a Tee shirt... at least every time that I see you. She said: "in your mind you see the very casual dress as a badge of your success. You no longer dress up to impress people. Instead you dress down and you like to leave people wondering how is it you can do what you like, even though you dress worse than they do." I thought about what she said for a long time. And I think she was partially right. I think she was partially right because I do wear my tee shirt and jeans as a kind of uniform. It is a uniform that reminds me that I control my own destiny. I never really thought about what others were thinking about me, but what I was thinking to myself that I was free to dress as I wanted. Well the other day, I was speaking with my daughter and she told me that the car I drove rather finished off my white trash persona. Now, I never thought that I put off a "white trash" persona, but I guess to my daughter and her friends I do. Tee shirts and jeans somehow must be frowned upon nowadays. I really think that no one who takes a moment to speak with me thinks that I am white trash. I do drive an old clunky car. It was my wife's car when she died, and I started driving it. I am not ready to get rid of it yet, so whether it is a rust bucket or not, I will be driving it for a while. My truck is also older. It is a 1992, to be honest. Up until last year, it was my plow truck only, and never came off of the property. Now, I occasionally drive it around. Oddly enough, I have always driven used cars. They do not lose 20% of their value the minute you drive them off the lot, and I can usually pay cash for them. One rule of thumb that I have is to never borrow money on a depreciating asset. If that makes me white trash, then so be it. I guess I would rather be considered white trash than to borrow money to buy a new car that will lose value the minute I drive it off of the lot. I am totally debt free. No car loan, no student loan debt, no mortgage and no credit card debt. There are very few in this country that can say that. I have worked hard for everything that I have and I don't feel the need to show it off. If it makes someone feel good to have a new car, that's great. They can have it. For me, a car is a tool. It gets me from point A to point B. It says nothing about my personality, whether it is white, red, or even pink. I don't care whether it is a Ford or a Chevy, an Isuzu, or a Honda. I just care whether or not it is reliable for what I need it for. I leave keeping up with the Jones' for others to play. In the end, I am who I have wanted to be... a good father and a collector of memories and small moments. When I die, the old Blazer or pick up truck will not be coming with me. Hopefully, my memories will. If not, at a minimum I will be happy if I can leave some happy memories for my daughters. And when they think of me, they will look past the tee shirt and the jeans and see me for who I really am, and not just as their caricature of white trash. The fear is there, though.
1 Comment
Maddie
5/5/2016 01:51:29 am
Wow, that's really your fear? I do hope you realize my white trash statement was said entirely in humor...
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