After a long hiatus, I am back to writing on a daily basis... hopefully. Since my last post, a great deal of things have happened- the most notable being the death of my grandmother. Before I continue any further with this post, I'd like to write about her death and a little bit about her as a person, seeing as I haven't in awhile and much has changed. Maybe these following thoughts will end up being my entire post. I guess I'll know by the end of them.
While my grandmother and I may not have had the best of relationships at times, we both prided each other on our everlasting quality of forgiveness. Oftentimes after an argument, my grandma would come over to me and say she was thankful that we both shared "the same forgiving heart". I've talked previously about the capacity of forgiveness I have, and how it's almost a fatal flaw of mine- and while I couldn't see it then, in retrospect, I see that I did indeed inherit that quality from her. I was awful to her at some points, and some of our arguments would bring us neck and neck; regardless, she always forgave me, and I, her. In the end, I am glad we found peace. One of the last conversations I had with her before she really fell into that state of not being able to talk before her death was an apology, and while few people will write about a last conversation with a loved one as they feel it is too personal, I disagree. If anyone can learn from me, I'd want them to. The last conversation I had with my grandma, I sat on her bed as I had many times before when we used to chat and I told her that I forgave her for everything. I wanted her to know that anything she thought may have been left without resolve, I had moved on from. Reflecting on one of my dad's old posts, he was right. When you're dying, you don't care about the pettier things in life- i.e., who folded laundry or left an extra plate on the counter. In death, I think you only care about leaving in peace. And I wanted to make sure my grandma had that peace. She too apologized, and I gave her a kiss on the forehead. I then told her I loved her, and promised I'd try to do my best by my sister. She nodded, and said she loved me too. The last coherent thing I remember her saying to me was "I'll see you in heaven", as I told her I loved her and exited the room. After that point, I really don't think I was meant to speak with her again. Her replies became shorter, as did her breathing. Every time I left her room, I told her I loved her- a habit instilled in me by my dad, so that the last thing she'd hear was "I love you", should she die before one of us returned. She'd reply when she could, but the grandma I knew was gone- replaced by the frail shell that her cancer had left her. All her energy was drained, and it was time for her to rest. On May 6th in the earliest morning hours, my grandma passed away. She was surrounded by me, my dad, and my aunt- my aunt and dad holding each of her hands, and me with my hand on her forehead. It was what she would've wanted- if anything. She was determined to live her last days at home, as her obituary says- and she did indeed. While I know she would've wanted more time with the family before she passed, she did the best with the time she was given. While she was here, she made a great impact on the lives of many- and for that, she will never be forgotten. Rest in peace. -- maddie
1 Comment
Robin Sullivan
5/23/2017 05:03:29 pm
Beautifully written Madison. Your grandmother was a wonderful person and she loved you very much. I will miss her
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