Yes, that is a quote by Diogenes. I am in a quirky mood tonight and I thought I'd touch upon a quote that speaks a lot of truth. You see, to quote an old tune by the Main Ingredient, "Everybody plays the fool, sometimes...there is no exception to the rule."
I don't care how smart you think you are, there is always someone out there who is smarter than you in one aspect or another. And there's nothing to be ashamed of in this situation. No one can be an expert at everything. The trick in life is to find the one thing in life that you enjoy AND excel at and then become an expert at that. For some people, this can lead to multiple things that they excel at...Think of Michael Jordan, he is a hall of fame basketball player who when he retired then went on to play professional baseball. Does it matter that he wasn't the greatest at playing baseball? Not in the least! He was still skilled enough to play the game at the professional level. We are all good at some things and bad at others. For me, my main nemesis is calculus and guitars. I can't do either really well, although I like to try to play guitar. Meanwhile, I excel at stock analysis, writing and explaining things. Given my job involves all three of those things, and I am also home schooling my daughter, I'd say I am chasing the right things. Sometimes the distance between being wise and being a fool can be found in the decisions that we make. Ever do something that seemed to make a lot of sense to you at the time, but then ended up being a really bad idea in hindsight. Sure you have. It has happened to all of us at one time or another. I chalk those decisions up to hubris. When you think you know more on a subject than you really do, and are too proud to ask for guidance. Although I try to limit my poor decisions that are due to hubris, I still find that they slip in sometimes. Sometimes the distance between being wise and being a fool can be found in the decisions that we make. Finally, I think one of the best ways to avoid playing the fool, is to develop the habit of asking good questions. What is a good question? You might ask? Good question! A good question is one where you expect the answer to tell you something that you otherwise don't know the answer to. No question is a bad question if you truly do not know the answer. In the future, don't play the fool. If you don't know the answer to something, and you suspect the person you are talking to does, then ask the question! That way, you learn something and have less of a chance of playing the fool.
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So accurate. I love this quote so much. It's so true. There's another quote that I like too that seems to go along with this one: "Some of us die at 25, but aren't buried until we're 75". I used this quote on one of my instagram pictures, in fact... and one of my younger followers didn't quite understand it. She thought I meant literal death- which in a way, it is. Let me explain.
By death... it's referencing internal death. I understand this because I've seen it before. Even at a young age... I've watched some of my friends who used to be happy and full of life turn into people who never smile, never laugh, and force themselves to continue living. That... that is not life. When you have to wake up every day and convince yourself to continue breathing, to continue moving... to continue EXISTING, you know it's time to make a change. A majority of my friends (myself included) are often depressed. Some try to be optimistic and happy (like me) and others... others just give up. They don't make an effort to be happy or to pull themselves out of depression; they just drag themselves through every day. Today, everyone seems unhappy, to be honest. No one is satisfied with who they are. We all want to change... but never the right things. Too many people equate happiness with the car they drive, the clothes they wear, and their yearly income. If you seek happiness in things with monetary value, you will never truly be happy. To be happy... is a choice. You have a choice every day when you wake up: you can face the day with sadness, or with happiness. I try to choose happiness. BUT, I don't consider "happiness" to be how much money I have or what I have on that current day. No, I find happiness in the small and simple things. For example; the hugs I get from my dad in the morning... or the beauty of the sky as the sun rises and clouds form... or the flowers as they open and expose their beauty in the early morning sun. These things cost nothing- just love and living and an eye for finding the tiny joys. Heck, a good cup of coffee in the morning or even the smell of a hearty, home-cooked breakfast being made can change my mood. It reminds me that there IS happiness to be found, should I look... and it reminds me that I have a family, I have friends, and a reason to keep smiling and trying to be genuinely happy. So all I can say.. to myself and to my friends and to ANYONE struggling with depression or anything similar... You have purpose. You have a reason to keep going. There is happiness; you just need to look for it... it's there. Make the correct choice in the morning; be happy. Things may seem pretty damn miserable, but it's nothing that can't be changed. Take everything one step at a time. The first step to changing the quality of your life is changing the qualities in yourself. Please take the time and make the change. There will always be sadness in the world- but there will also always be happiness. Choose happiness; I can't stress it enough. Maddie Once again, the media has gotten the sheeple worked up over nothing. First we had gay marriage, then we had the horror of the confederate flag and now we have the outrage over a Minnesota dentist killing a lion. He killed the lion on a legal hunt by the way.
Lions are wild animals. Some Einstein gave this lion a name so everyone could feel even more outrage over the killing of a single animal. In Africa, no one gives a shit. Here is an article talking about the whole spectacle: A Lion? These foolish stories are posted and pushed to keep people's attention away from the real stories that may make them a little less happy with their politicians or the corporations that control them. For instance, over the past day or so I have seen more posts over a dead lion than I saw about the Greek currency crisis or the potential debt crisis in Puerto Rico. The lion stories also outran posts about the bird flu epidemic that killed millions of chickens in the U.S. and caused the price of eggs to rocket to nearly $3 a dozen. I guess it's a lot easier to get people interested in lions after the Madagascar movies. Getting the people pissed off about a fucking lion is also safer for the media than focusing on the chicken story since most of the chickens were killed on large corporate farms where the use of antibiotics (these chickens ARE in the food supply) and overcrowded living conditions for the animals helped to spread the disease even faster. Read about it HERE Lions are not cute and cuddly people...no matter what you think of Alex the lion (from Madagascar movies) or even Cecil. Lions kill about 250 humans each year worldwide. That's more than the great white shark (about 100)... and no one seems to care when they get killed. In Africa, where big game hunting is allowed, the meat usually has to be donated to the local tribes. Thus, the meat isn't just wasted. Lions kill livestock in Africa as well, and thus the population often times needs to be pruned to keep villagers safe...But go ahead, give the man killers a name and feel bad about it. Another thing that the media wants to keep people unaware of is that there are people dying all across the world due to war. This is a tricky subject for the media. They try to keep all stories about the military positive. All the soldiers are heroes and we will see tons of videos of soldiers coming home and surprising their wives, or their kids or their dogs. You don't see many articles about the defense budget though, or how much the endless wars are actually costing us. You don't see the fact that suicide is one of the largest contributors to military deaths, or that thousands of innocent people are getting killed regularly in the lands that we occupy. They are not necessarily being killed by our soldiers either! That says something about the security for the average people in the regions where our military is active. There are other things that the media try to keep away from us. One of them is the fact that the average soldier makes a salary of about $40 thousand a year. That number is higher for officers and lower for the average soldier of course...even though it is the average soldier who is more likely to be shipped overseas and be stationed in an area that is more in harm's way. They also certainly don't want to advertise the fact that the corporations making the weaponry for the military is raking in profits hand over fist. That certainly wouldn't be good. Or that the average salary at Boeing (a large defense contractor) is $75 thousand a year, or that the average salaries for those working at General Dynamics, Lockheed Martin and Northrop Grumman (also large defense contractors) are well over $70 thousand a year. Hmmm, soldiers $40 thousand a year, workers making weapons and ammo over $70 thousand. And what about the salaries and percs of the politicians? Salaries for congressmen and senators are about $174 thousand. For the speaker of the house its $223,500. When you throw in all of the percs that they receive, including their pension plans, the costs rise exponentially. So what's my point? The next time you feel compelled to post an article talking about something stupid, why not take the time to see what else is happening in the world that the media might want to avert your attention from. You have a choice you know. You can continue to play their game and live your life with the motto "Ignorance is bliss!" Or you can actually look into what is going on that is more important that the media is trying to steer you clear of. By the way, that chicken above is not named Cecil.In fact, it's a rooster, and as far as I know it was not made into that yummy meal pictured on the right. I just thought I'd put that up since I'm sure some of you bleeding hearts wanted to comment on my heartlessness. Oh, and finally, if you think the defense industry hasn't gotten fat off of the war and destruction of foreigners...the charts below show the stocks versus the S&P 500 since 9/11. Most of the stocks are up about 400% or so since that date versus about 100% for the S&P. Lucky is a good dog. I like to play tug of war with him. He likes to eat everything! I make
him stand on his back legs for treats. I also make him sit and roll over. Ashleigh Ohhhh boy. I'm ALWAYS talking about regrets; especially with my dad. I try to live without regrets, believe it or not. I believe that any choice I make in my life and anything that happens to me is meant to teach me a lesson. Regretting something that has already happened is rather stupid, in my opinion... there's nothing you can do to change it, there is no way to turn back time... so why dwell on it?
For those who do choose to dwell on regrets, however... I guess this is a good quote. All of us WILL inevitably have regrets. Hell, even I have regrets- just because I choose to not let them affect me doesn't mean I don't have them. If you do focus on your regrets, I guess you DO want to have the right ones. For instance, my Dad regrets drinking in his youth and not paying as much attention in school. HOWEVER! If my Dad hadn't been a drinker, while he may be slightly healthier now... he also probably wouldn't have met my mom and married her. Why? Because with a better education, he could have gotten a better job. And if he had gotten a better job... he wouldn't have met my mom. So you see.. while my Dad regrets drinking because he got to witness what it does to people, it is a good regret for him because without it... he wouldn't have met my mom, he wouldn't have me or my sister and his life would be 10,000% different. So.. the quote is right. Yes, we're going to have regrets. But let's make them the right regrets... because in the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take. Maddie This quote... is so true. There is another quote that I find goes hand in hand with this; "You don't know what you have until it's gone". This seems to follow after because you love something as you begin to realize that you miss it... and the feeling completes itself when you lose it all-together. Upsettingly enough... I know this feeling too well. In fact, I have this feeling right now.
I'm currently arguing with one of my best friends; hence the reason I chose this quote. I have SO many other quotes I could add right now to express my emotions but... I don't think it'd do much good. This IS Mountain RANTS, so excuse me if I DO rant. Do you think that friendship is a two-way street? Should a friendship survive if only one person makes an effort to fix things, if only ONE person makes and effort to keep things going while the other sits on the sidelines and watches everything go up in flames? Is that fair? In my eyes... no. Many of my friends tell me to leave this person behind and just drop things; but they honestly don't understand my bond with this person. You don't just walk away and give up on someone you've known for 4 years. Someone you've come to love, trust, and care about deeply. You DON'T do that. You work things through and continue, taking things as they come. The issue that caused this fight wasn't even that important... so there is no way in hell I'm just going to drop a strong friendship. People too often say things without thinking, or speak without knowing the depth or importance of a situation... and it sucks. Because then it just gets people mad at one another for no good reason, which isn't fair either. I think people should keep their noses out of other people's business, PERIOD. And if you don't know ANYTHING about the situation... just stay silent. Don't make it worse. Maddie I want to write this post as a follow-up to what my dad wrote earlier. He wrote about how people you'd never expect CAN change your life... I'd like to write about how some DO change your life, but do so without realizing it. Before I launch into my writing, however, I wanted to share a poem by Sonia Schroeder.
My Special List I have a list of folks I know, all written in a book. And every now and then, I go and take a look. That is when I realize these names are a part, not of the book they're written in, but written in my heart. For each name stands for someone, who has crossed my path sometime. And in that meeting have become the reason and the rhyme. Although it sounds fantastic for me to take this claim, I really am composed of each remembered name. Although you are not aware of any special link, knowing you has shaped my life more than you think. So please don't think my greeting, as just a mere routine. Your name was not forgotten in between. For when I send a greeting that is addressed to you, it is because you're on the list of folks I am indebted to. I love the poem in every way, not ONLY for it's smoothness but for its honesty. Too many people do walk into your life and then become friends with you... and don't realize the impact they have made on your life, either negative OR positive. I've been on both sides of this as the friend that feels unappreciated or doesn't know their level of appreciation, AND as the friend who lets the other know they're appreciated. Confused yet? Let me explain. Type A - The friend who doesn't know how much they mean or how much of a positive impact they've had on someone's life Type B - The friend whose friend made a positive impact on them, but doesn't realize it. One of my friends was once texting me relatively late at night. She'd been having some friend troubles, so I stayed up late to talk things through with her. Now, while I saw her as one of my close friends, I didn't really feel like I was THAT important to her or that I mattered too much. How I got this impression, I'm not quite sure... but suddenly, she interrupted our conversation to say that she was so happy that I was her friend and was extremely grateful that I always took the time to talk with her and share my own experiences to help her. She added that she truly trusted me and felt like she could tell me anything, and I replied I could say the same for her. Wow! I honestly couldn't believe it... but I was very happy. That simple text of honesty made my night. My whole day, in fact. Not enough people take time to let their friends know how much they appreciate them... which can leave some feeling under-appreciated and rather useless. Well, there was my example of being a Type A- but this inspired me to become a Type B. Since I knew how good hearing that had felt, I went to one of my best friends who I feel I don't tell I appreciate a lot and wrote her a similar text expressing my appreciation for her. Her level of happiness was so great that it in turn made me feel good... I guess she felt under-appreciated as well. My point is- sometimes, the smallest thing can make someone's day. You never know how their day has been going- for all you know, you could be saving them from doing something really stupid. I know I've done that to my friends before and they've told me weeks later that I helped them. It never fails to surprise me... moral of the story, always let people know how you feel about them- don't put it off 'til tomorrow, because for some; tomorrow never comes. And your words could actually help them attain that next tomorrow. Maddie Who might change your life? You never know. You never know, even when you think you know. Did you ever meet someone for the first time and make a bad impression? Or maybe think that you made a bad impression? Yep, me too. But you know, no one knows what the future brings, and even that person may be the one that changes your life.
To prove my point, here is another story about my wife and I. You see, even though my wife and I's first date happened after I grabbed her hand walking on the beach all those years ago, I had known her before that night... and after our first meeting you would have thought that I was a guy that she was never going to date! We met while I was an analyst at Merrill Lynch. Sharon was the girl who dropped off the faxes at everyone's office each morning. She had other duties too, but that is how I knew her (back then, faxes were common ways to get info from companies and I would get about 30 a day). While I would say hello when she dropped them off, we never really had a conversation. Then one day while I was walking to my boss' office, I saw her sitting in a cubicle out near his office. Given he was on the phone, and she was very pretty, I decided to stop by and chit chat with her a bit while I waited for him to get off the phone. The conversation started off okay, with me saying something like "Hi, so this is where you sit!" even though I knew that she didn't sit where she was regularly. She said: "No, not usually, but this is where she was assigned today." We started to talk a bit and I pointed out her accent and she said she was from England and that she had come over as a nanny, and that she was 22 years old. I said "Really, there aren't a lot of babies at Merrill Lynch" and she smiled and said she was no longer a nanny and that she was working as a temp and that her husband worked in another section. I was totally shocked that she was married. She looked so young and beautiful... and I really dug her accent. And so, I did what I normally did when I spoke to a pretty girl and was thrown a curve ball...I opened my mouth and stuck my foot in it! I said: " You're married already? Wow, you're so young! I guess that's a good way to stay in the country!" Well, that went off about as good as you'd expect. While she gave a smile, she got a weird look on her face and me realizing what I said, and also noting that she was married, made a hasty retreat! At that moment, I never would have guessed that Sharon would go on to be my wife and change my life forever. It just goes to show that you never know who is going to be a big part of your life. That is why you should make it a habit of being kind to everybody... Which brings up the second part of my story. You see, after that poor beginning I continued to say hello to Sharon. Never hitting on her... she was married you know... but just being friendly. I was always taught to treat people as you also wanted to be treated. So that is what I do now and did then. I like when someone I recognize says hello to me and tries to make me smile. So I, in turn, try to do the same with the people I meet. One day, a group of us (four analysts) were walking into Merrill Lynch after going to lunch. Right near the door was Sharon and her husband. Instead of pretending that I didn't know her, as the other guys seemed to be doing, I waved and said hello. Years later, Sharon told me that that was when she knew I was different and a good person. You see, as we walked up, Sharon had seen us and had pointed us out to her husband as coworkers. As we walked up, she said all of the others started looking away, pretending that they didn't see her. I on the other hand, waved and said hello, which forced the others to also acknowledge her and say hello. She said, the greeting I gave her made her feel less uncomfortable because she didn't want to be snubbed in front of her husband after she had told him we were all coworkers. She had never forgotten that. A small meaningless moment, that happened to mean a lot to her. Another act of kindness finally brought us together. While I was working at Merrill Lynch, a number of us used to go out after work on Fridays. Usually, many of the younger secretaries would also join us. In July of 1999, a number of the guys rented a beach house in Long Branch on the Jersey shore. I didn't join in on the house since I already lived about 10 minutes from there anyway. Even so, I hung out with them every day on the weekends anyway since it was in my usual stomping grounds anyway. One weekend, we were going to have a party at the house and most of the younger people in the office were going. Sharon hadn't been invited since she never came out with us. Still, most of the floor was going and I believed that she must have heard about it. While talking with her, I told her that she should come to the party and bring whoever she wanted. By that I meant bring your husband. I gave her the address and told her what time it was starting up. I really didn't expect her to show up, but I wanted her to feel part of the group and so I invited her. I still believed she was married, so there was no secondary motive there for me. Well, she showed up around 9:00 that night with an Indian guy and Leora, an 18 year old intern who also worked at Merrill Lynch. When the guy had gone to get them beers, I said to Sharon, "Oh I didn't know your husband was an Indian." and she said he wasn't her husband, her husband had died a few months before. I had never known. To make a long story short, we hung out together all evening at the party. We had a great time, went for a walk on the beach later that evening, and started dating. Treat others as you yourself would like to be treated? It works for me! No one knows who is destined to be a special person in their lives. Oftentimes, people are different than they first appear. Remember, never judge a book by its cover! You never know who might change your life. If you don't take those initial steps to get to know someone, you may be shutting yourself out of the life you were meant to live. As my wife used to say, "Everything happens for a reason!" That is so true! Rest in peace Babe. I like all types of food. I like to eat cheese. I like all types of cheese except Swiss. I love
to eat fruit particularly raspberries. My dad and I like to make sounds when anyone says raspberry! Those are my favorite foods. Ashleigh . There are three "C"s in happiness. No, not when you spell it...I mean when you achieve it! The three "C"s are special. They are special because while everyone has an infinite number of the first "C", they walk around and complain that they have none. Meanwhile, there is usually a second "C" for almost anything realistic, yet most people walk around as if there is absolutely no "C" for almost anything that they really want. Finally, while everyone wants the third "C", most people only accept it when it is forced on them.
So what are the three "C"s? Choice, Chance, and Change. Let me explain, and show you how the three "C"s work together to get you almost anything you want or need. I will keep my example simple, although the idea works for more complicated situations as well. The really simple formula for getting what you want is that: You need to make a CHOICE to take a CHANCE or your life will never CHANGE. It's simple really and so true. Your choices could be stopping you from living the life that you desire. When you consciously choose not to take a chance, you are limiting your life to change that is random. The only constant in life is change. You can choose some of the changes that occur in your life, and hopefully help to make your life better. Or you can choose to have the changes in your life be random...in other words, by chance. I don't know about you, but I'd rather choose to take a chance on a good outcome. Think about it. When you choose, you are going to choose something that will ultimately benefit you. Therefore, the odds of something good happening are higher. If you choose not to choose, then randomness takes over. With randomness you have a 50/50 chance that whatever happens is going to be good. I don't know about you, but I like better odds than that. Here is an example of how choosing to take a chance worked out in my life. I wrote about this in the past, but I can't stress enough how my decision to choose to take a chance, made a major change in my life. Of course, I am talking about how I started dating my wife. That night, four of us set out to walk on the beach, two guys and two girls. None of us were paired up at the time, but I had a feeling the other girl with us liked me. This was a problem, because I liked Sharon. If I did nothing, there was a chance that the other girl might of grabbed my hand or the other guy Sharon's. Neither outcome would have been to my liking. Meanwhile, if I grabbed Sharon's hand, she would either accept that I had feelings for her and walked with me, or she would have pulled her hand away and I would have been no worse off than I would have been otherwise. That was the situation that was in front of my choice, but there was more to it than that. There is the head games that we all have at one time or another. That little voice in your head that says DON'T DO IT!!!!! Yeah, I had THAT big time. "Don't do it!" my head screamed. "She is so beautiful and you are only ordinary at best. You are ten years older than her...her husband died only a few months ago." All of these thoughts were surging through my head. And yet, we were having fun at the party. The other girl was even younger than Sharon and she seemed to like me. It was a beautiful night, and the other girl was under age and couldn't get into the bar we were at anyway. Although all of my insecurities were screaming not to do it, I decided to do it anyway. I decided to take the path less traveled, and like in Robert Frost's poem, it made all the difference! Make a choice, people. Right now, choose to take a calculated chance the next time it is presented to you. The change it makes may just put you on the road to happiness. Make a choice to take a chance, and see if the change it brings about will take you a step closer to happiness. It did for me once so long ago. And it will again in the future...when I choose to take a chance for a change. Halloween is on the way! I like Halloween. I like to dress up and get candy. We go to
Peterborough to go trick or treating and I get lots of candy. Ashleigh The meaning of life is what you make it. That is not a quote by the way. That's just a thought I had. Many people spend their lives chasing the next buzz. In my teens and twenties, I did that too. Work or go to school during the week, and then try to figure out where I was going to party on the weekend. So was that the meaning of life? Not by a long shot! That was just a bunch of guys (and girls) with nothing better to do wanting to get drunk and doing it somewhere other than their own living room. That way we could call it socializing rather than alcoholism.
I sometimes get the feeling that people are so unhappy with the state of their lives that they need to do something constantly. Where can I go, so I can be anywhere but here? What can I do, so that I am not just alone with my thoughts? Why is everybody so unhappy? My answer to this is that people do not know the meaning of their lives any more. I think it's because no one ever talks about the meaning of life when they are younger. No one ever stops and says to them "Why are we here? What are we supposed to do?" They think "There must be more to life than doing what we are told to do!" And they are right. So they try to live life as they please, without someone telling them what to do! So they drink and go to things that they normally wouldn't, so they can be happy like those people in the commercials. So they go to sporting events and yell and scream and show their support and loyalty...for a team made up of individual millionaires who play for the highest bidder. I personally find it hard to show loyalty to a team, when the players have little loyalty to the team. Pro sports is a business. Men are hired to play for the team. I feel silly rooting for these people. To me, it seems like going to Dunkin Donuts and rooting for the girl making your coffee. "Go Charlene! Stir that milk! Latte, Latte, Latte...Yeah!!!" Is that a little extreme? Or is that what people are actually doing rooting for a professional sports team? But I digress. What I am trying to point out is that even when people think they are doing what they want to do, they are still doing what someone else wants them to do. About 99% of the time anyway. Let me ask you...Why do people want new cars? If their old one isn't working well and is not worth fixing, I can understand. But too many people just want a new car to be in style, or because their neighbor has a new one or to look successful. A car is a tool, people. It has nothing to do with your self worth (Unless you make it so). It is designed to get you from between point A and point B. Do you buy a new hammer every year because a new model comes out? No? Then why buy a new car? It's the marketing people. It is designed to work against you. They market things to make you want to buy them. There is no meaning in possessions...there is no meaning in professional sports, there is no meaning in the clothes you wear or the silly tattoo you put on your arm. The only meaning is that that you allow those things to have. I think many people are unhappy today because they realize these things have no meaning. They continue to buy into the idea that they do, so they find it hard to understand why they are unhappy. I have the new car, why am I still down? (Because you now have a car payment?) Iam getting drunk with my friends? Why am I still unhappy (even worse, now I am hungover too!)? The reason is is that you are looking for meaning and happiness in all the wrong places. Love is the meaning of life and its happiness...not things. Hold the hand of your loved one, look them in the eyes. Hug your children...teach them new things. Share a cool breeze on a warm day...or a hot fire on a cold day. Life existed before brands. Only the shallow care what brand of pants your wearing or what type of car that you drive. Most people prefer not to see you drunk. In the end, it comes down to finding that special someone that you can share a tender moment with... and then sharing that love with your children. In the end, 99% of the stuff that you buy will be thrown away when you die. I know this from experience. Material things that are important to you, likely won't be important to the people who survive you. THEY WILL GET RID OF IT!!!! When I die, the only thing I really want to leave my daughters are memories. Memories that I hope they will cherish. To help those memories along, about half of my safe is filled with pictures that the two of them have given me over the years. I like to look at them when I go into my safe. I hope they bring back memories for them as well. This post has rambled a bit, so let me sum it up: If you are looking for happiness in the clothes you wear, the car you drive or the size of your house, then you are destined to be disappointed. If you instead look for happiness in your relationships, then I think you will have a better chance of finding it. Don't settle for anyone, either. Make sure that they are the person that touches your heart. The meaning of life is love. Today... today has been an extremely long, hard, yet fun and calming day... and I want to touch on some aspects of it and just share my thoughts. Apologies if I ramble... I have a lot in my mind and it's 12:00 AM right now. Bare with me.
For starters, today would have been my mom's 40th birthday. Semi-monumental, and even though on August 1st it'll be two years since her death, it still hit me pretty hard and after reading the post below written by my dad... I wound up with tears in my eyes and a lot of memories in my head (despite previously saying that I wouldn't cry. Ha. Who was I trying to fool). I knew it was her birthday and all... but I tried to ignore it. Tried to ignore the never-ending Facebook posts, tried to ignore the sadness lurking in the back of my mind, tried to push her out of my head completely. Looking back on today, I think it wasn't a good idea... avoiding her only made it worse at the end of the day when I FINALLY sat down to read my dad's long and extremely thoughtful blog post. All the memories I had been pushing out. Everything I'd been shoving away and trying to forget; not even just today but since her death... they all flooded back in one huge tidal wave of sorrow and emotions and that came out as tears for me. I miss my mom, I really do... I mean, she was my fricking MOM. You can't expect me not to miss her. So even if I act all heartless or like it doesn't bother me... don't believe it. I've just learned to move on past it. Did her death hurt me? Yes, to a degree... but it helped to know that she was finally out of the pain she had been calling "life" for so long. Do I get upset about it? I didn't cry at her funeral. I rarely cry solely about my mom... usually she just ties in with something else troubling me in my own life. Never JUST her (until tonight). Does this mean I don't care for her or love her? ABSOLUTELY F***KING NOT. I love her to death. I love her AFTER death, what am I saying. She taught me SO MUCH when she was alive and she was truly a wonderful mother; set aside from her disease. I never once heard her talk rudely... she was always polite and graceful, no matter what. I miss her very very much. But that was just ONE part of my day. I'd also like to talk about my Dad. Tonight, I dragged my Dad off to see Paper Towns- a movie that is wrongly stereotyped as a 'chick flick' simply because it was written by John Green (the author of The Fault In Our Stars, for those of you that live under a rock) and it was actually a really awesome movie. TFIOS WAS a chick flick. This was distinctly not. It was funny, suspenseful to a certain degree with just a touch of romance. It ALSO triggered a bit of nostalgia- at least for my dad. The story is centered on teens in high school and the misadventures they have... some of which my dad remembered from his high school years. You see, for me at least... when I go out to the movies with my Dad, it's not JUST about the movie. In fact, the movie is just a small highlight for me. What I truly cherish are our conversations while going to and from the movie theater. Like yes, I do enjoy the movie and the popcorn and the wiseass remarks that are often thrown at the screen throughout the film... but that's not what I will remember years from now. What I'll remember is driving down bare roads in the black of night with barely any light to guide us, with the windows rolled down and the breeze tousling my hair out of place just talking. Talking about everything. Him telling me his memories and simply reminiscing over what once was, sharing his joy and in a sense, his memories... with me. It was nice. Just letting him go on and trying to put myself in his place. Also, advice. Have fun, but don't be stupid. Make memories; because that's what life is truly about- but make GOOD memories, not stupid, un-necessary memories. And then just being able to open up to him and talk about my fears, my anxiety, my style, who I am and what I love... and it was great. It was exactly like talking to my best friend... because that is EXACTLY what it was. Yes, my dad is my best friend. And I couldn't ask for a better one. I honestly feel sorry for people my age who don't have dads... or who can't spend time with their dads... because oh my god... it's the best thing ever. I know that for teenagers... connecting with parents is tough; especially when the parents aren't open to talking or just crush your dreams. That just sucks. But to be honest..? Most parents want the best for their kids and any so-called "hardship" they put you through is only to strengthen you for the life you inevitably have ahead of you. It's going to be a LOT tougher than not having internet access for a week... or not being able to hang with your friends... or even not being able to play video games. What about, say... not having electricity. Not being able to pay bills. Having no job. No car. NO PLACE TO LIVE. One day, you will have to grow up and all the lessons your parents teach you? That's what they've learned throughout their life and we need to honestly shut up and respect them sometimes. Because let me tell you: nothing can slap you in the face more than driving down a highway at 11:30 at night talking to your dad and realizing that HEY- he was young once too. He was stupid, too. He made his choices and saw where it brought him and how it could have gone differently. He teaches me to think for myself, to make my own choices in life and to be independent. Some people think he's insane for giving me so much leeway, for letting me MAKE so many choices and for letting me be myself; but I think it's pretty damn awesome and one of the best ways to parent. If you can't go and be open with your parents... there's something seriously wrong and you need to take a step back and re-evaluate and TRY. Parents... parents SHOULD be your best friends. You SHOULD be able to tell them anything without fear. You SHOULD be able to talk and make jokes and not feel uncomfortable and you SHOULD love them unconditionally and respect them... because in the end, they are people too. Not just people; but the people who made YOUR existence possible. Think about that the next time you argue with your parents about something pointless. I don't know... but I aspire to be like my dad in many ways when I grow up. He's an awesome person, an awesome friend, and most importantly, and awesome dad. Thank you. And good night. Maddie Both heaven and hell reside inside us. They exist in our memories and influence a lot of what we say do and think. Sometimes, they exist side by side within a single memory. Do you have any memories that bring you both pleasure and pain? I do. And I can tell you they are the worst level of hell.
For me, it was the hours leading up to my wife's death. Sharon was in a coma and was dying. After they removed the life support, I held her in my arms until she passed away. I held her for six hours. I didn't want her to die alone. I didn't want her to feel afraid or feel abandoned. I was afraid to get up to go to the bathroom, because I did not want her to die while I was away taking a leak. I tried not to move her too much or shift my position because I didn't want her to wake up and realize what was happening to her and be afraid. I also didn't want her to see the horror on my face that she was dying. I didn't want her to know that it was killing a part of me too. If you never experienced something like that, I can tell you it is pure hell. And it doesn't go away. It stays with you and comes back up in your memories constantly. It makes you feel down, it brings grief at almost any moment. It ties into other memories as well and makes them worse... I remember the moment that Sharon died. I knew before the machine went off to alert the nurse. I was holding her and I heard a popping noise and just past her left shoulder I saw a bright light, which seemed to shoot out towards the hallway just on the other side of the privacy curtain. The nurse yelled to me that she had just died (an alarm went off at the nurses station), and I told her I knew. I got up then, and moved away from the bed. I stood for a moment looking at Sharon, feeling pity, grief, and the aches and pains from muscles that hadn't moved a lot in the past six hours. Sharon's eyes were closed. Mine were open. The nurse called to me from the nurses station asking me if I was going to be okay. I turned my head towards the hallway and said yes. It only took a moment, but when I turned back, Sharon's eyes were open. It looked like she was looking right at me. That moment also stays with me. It wasn't scary. It was like she was taking one last look at me. Was that look accusing? Thankful? Sorrowful? I'll never know. My rational mind tells me that muscles relax in death and that it was just a natural thing...but my unconscious mind still tries to put a meaning to the event So there is the hell. Where's heaven's grasp on that memory? I take solace in the fact that my wife didn't die alone. I spoke with her and prayed for her during that time. Aside from what she died from, I can think of no better way to die than in the arms of a person who loves you. I hope, when it is my turn to die, that her spirit comes back and holds me while I slip into the great beyond. When these memories start to overwhelm me, I try to think of all of the good things that came from our relationship. I think of my daughters, or our walk along the beach on the night we started dating. I think of fall days along the canal in Jersey or antiquing in rustic towns in Pennsylvania. I think of holding hands and the trace of an English accent that I could always hear no matter how much she tried to hide it. Heaven conquers hell and I can go on with my day. In Dante's Inferno, he writes of nine circles of hell and tells who he meets there. I think he was wrong on that. I think there are multiple levels of hell and no one lives there. Instead, we carry these little pockets of hell along with us while we live. It seems easy to add new levels, but much harder to erase them. At the same time, we also carry little bits of heaven along with us as well. We get to see them through our family, friends, and pets...or even while we are out alone in the woods. We live in our minds, and we meld our own destinies. Could there be real heaven and hells? Certainly! But we are all going to have to wait until we pass to see what they are like. This quote is too true. True friends are those who you may not talk to every day, but who you can pick up talking to at any time as if nothing happened. I have a friend like that, and a few days ago I got really upset. No one seemed to be listening or understanding me, or I was just masking feelings in chats... but I began to talk to him, and he sent me a bunch of funny videos and was there to listen to me and made me feel a LOT better. He and I don't talk often... but when we do, he makes me smile without a fail. Even when I'm down.
And he understands and listens without saying a word. He tries to comfort me, and while it may be dorky at times... it works, in its own way. And I'm thankful for it. He gives meaning to what a true friend actually is- someone who doesn't judge you, who can make you laugh, who can talk with you about anything and who in general makes you happy. He has never once backstabbed me, nor has he talked about me behind my back or caused drama. And I thank him deeply for that... it means a lot to me because it's something that not many people can do. Anyway, I'm going to keep this post short and sweet because it's late and I got a bad night's sleep last night. Tomorrow, I'm going to be taking a long trip to spend the day with my best friend and I need to be well rested. Good night internet <3 Maddie I'm going to attempt to summarize why this post is so short... because I know it will be. Right now, I'm in an EXTREME rush to get out the door because I'm supposed to be going over to my best friend's house to sleepover. However, she lives 2 hours away roughly and in order to get there on time, we need to leave in exactly 15 minutes. I haven't gotten dressed, put on makeup, or even packed my fricking bag yet... and I need to pack a LOT.
The reason I'm running so late is because I couldn't efficiently do my work during the week. I don't know what it is about me and deadlines, but I absolutely love waiting until the last minute to do things. I don't know if my subconscious just loves the thrill of rushing or what, but I don't like it. I'm forever getting things in either late or RIGHT on time, and it sucks because it gets me in trouble. Yes, I can write quickly... but I don't always want to. I don't know why I drag myself through my day so slowly, but that's what has happened yet again I think that a large key factor for me is my level of motivation. I need to be MOTIVATED to get things done... otherwise, what's the point? Nothing to do anyways, so why not do extra homework or whatever my punishment happens to be. Today, I have a motive; I have a goal, and I have reached it. I have to go now though... thank you for reading and I promise that Monday's post will be nice and lengthy to make up for this. Maddie "No one saves us but ourselves."That's a quote from Buddha. As the second anniversary of my wife's death approaches, I can't help but think that this quote is true. In 1999, when I first started dating my wife, she asked me to please help her to stop drinking. At that moment, I gave up drinking and tried to help her quit too. We went to doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, inpatient programs, outpatient programs, AA meetings, social workers and Alanon meetings (me). She took medicine to break the addiction, I swept the house for bottles, we avoided social gatherings, we fought and we cried. In the end, her drinking killed her.
All of that activity and pain to help her to stop drinking, and yet she never did. It ends up Sharon had addictive personality disorder. While we were constantly battling her alcoholism, the other ten "isms" were always there in the background, uncontrolled and pressuring her back towards drinking to self medicate her pain away. We knew about the anorexia and binge eating, and tried to control those as well. The further she progressed with these conditions (which often appeared when she was not drinking), the more pressure she would feel to drink again. In the end, Sharon needed help to be saved, but none of us could do it for her. Understanding what she had from the beginning might have helped. By the time we found out, her health was already being severely affected. I think physically, we can all be saved by someone else every once in a while. After all, if I was just about to fall off of a cliff and you grabbed my hand and pulled me back, you would have saved me. Right? Well, I don't think that was what Buddha was talking about. I think he meant that spiritually, no one can save you but yourself. That no one can beat back your demons but you. While I can agree with that sentiment, it is heartbreaking to watch people struggle with their demons, particularly when you and they don't know what they are. How do you fight a tidal wave? Even with someone reaching out for you, you are still likely to get swept away. Did Buddha save himself? Who knows! He talked a good talk, but in the end he died...just like Sharon. Did Sharon attain peace before she died? I don't know. I hope so. She died in my arms. I loved Sharon deeply. I hope as she lay there (she was in a coma) she knew she was being held by the one that she loved...and who loved her. There are so many more things I'd like to say here...I just don't know how. I chose this quote because I think that my dad will like it. Why do I think this? Because one of the most important lessons that my Dad tries to teach my sister and I is to think. To use our heads. To use logic. To be imaginative and curious yet still keep our heads about us. One of the main things my dad hates about the public school system is the fact that you are trained to simply remember information- and then forget it when the test or quiz is over. Not to think about or absorb the information, but just to remember to forget.
It is due to the power of being able to actually think that I remember so many small little tidbits. Nothing is coming to my mind as of right now, but- if you mention a subject I know about... I can still talk relatively fluently about it, even if I learned about it years ago. I thank my Dad for this- he is very open and easy to talk to, so should I ever need help (especially with philosophy- MAN our philosophy talks are the best) he is more than willing to talk with me until I fully understand what's going on, or what needs work. He has taught me to KNOW and contemplate what I am reading and to think out the truth for myself; not just based on what I am told. He is the reason I am such a conspiracist; and such an over-thinker. I think about EVERYTHING. Him being an analyst, he has taught me to scrutinize everything and take everything I hear with a grain of salt ON TOP of teaching me to think: a dangerous combo that has given me the ability to see through just about any lie that is told to me. I pride myself on this ability and use it to its full extent. Alright... I think this rant is over... I just highly agree with the quote. Too many people (and I fully blame the public school system for this) read, remember, and forget... but never think about what they are told. They aimlessly follow orders like little worker bees, never thinking for themselves. Very few think. Don't follow the crowd. Be yourself. And think for yourself. Maddie My Dad thought it would be fun to have a personal laugh track. He found one on the
apple store. Now when he tells a joke he hits a button and there is instant laughter. I like when he hits it when I say something. I want one! Ashleigh "I found a quote that is usually my motto. "If something is broke, fix it, don't just throw it away". Problem is, it can't always be fixed. If you shatter a vase, it can't be fixed. If a vase is just cracked, it can still be fixed, with some work. Each lie in a relationship is a crack. In your case with *****, with every joke he made at your expense, the vase would crack. And it cracked until it shattered. But even when it shattered, he kept it up. He picked up the pieces and then broke them too. Problem is, you can't break what's already been broken. And while you may have tried to fix it in the early stages, nothing could stop it if he set out to shatter the vase from the very beginning."
The above paragraph was sent to me by my best friend Alexis earlier today. It really hit me like a bus... how accurate the analogy was. She simplified almost all failing relationships in just one paragraph, and I liked it. A lot. Figuring that it may help other people, I have decided to share it here along with some of my own thoughts. I completely agree with it: you can't just have ONE person putting effort into a relationship. Relationships- ANY relationships- are not a one-way street. It's give and take, and that's that. Because if only one person gives effort, then the whole thing is sure to fall apart... or, as said in the text, "shatter the vase". If a relationship isn't being supported on both ends, it's better to end it. It'll save a lot of pain and hurt feelings on both sides. That's all I have for today. Maddie |
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