"The best thing that a father can give his daughter is his time." For those of you who don't know, my Dad's birthday was yesterday. He turned 51, and my unprepared self had neither card nor gift ready for him... so before I even get into this post a little bit, I'd like to apologize for that because honestly, my Dad deserves a f*cking island and currently I have enough money in my pocket to maybe buy him a coffee... and honestly, nothing is harder than that because I care a LOT about my Dad. He's one of my favorite people of all time and honestly one of the best friends I could ever ask for, and I couldn't even begin to imagine what my life would be like without him in it. To get back to the quote, I fully agree with it- the best thing a Dad can give to his daughter IS indeed, his time... and my Dad does such an amazing job devoting as much time as he can not only to me, but to my sister as well. He always has, honestly. He's raised me essentially single-handed since I was 7, and my sister has always grown up with him. He's managed to raise us both to be respectful and thoughtful young ladies all while keeping a steady job, keeping us in karate, training with us, helping us learn... and that's BEFORE we get into all the times he's taken us out shopping, hiking, to the park, to museums, to tournaments, and all our little outings in between. As I said earlier, my Dad is my best friend. This shouldn't be news to any readers of this blog; as I've written many posts describing the awesome relationship I have with him and all the ways he's such a great Dad. I won't waste my time here and repeat what's already been said- I'll just re-instate that I truly enjoy his company and all of our trips for coffee, concerts, time spent gaming, shared sense of music, shared sense of humor, time spent watching anime, and even his memes. Instead of finishing up this post with more repetition... here is a slideshow to sum things up.
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"If there is anything we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could be better changed in ourselves." That is a quote by Carl Jung. Jung was the founder of analytical psychology. He was a firm believer in individuation. One of the unique things about Jung is that at a very early age he believed he had two personalities. One was that of your typical Swiss school boy at the time, while the other was that of a dignified, authoritative and influential man from the past. This belief would go on to influence much of his groundbreaking future work.
Getting back to Jung's quote, I think he is correct. Oftentimes, although not always, our children are like mirrors of ourselves. While we all recognize that to some extent, it is when we see a perceived flaw that we try to get the child to change it. A good example of this can be found at my house.My Mom is constantly haranguing Maddie about the neatness of her room. She wonders why she just won't keep her room clean. Remember, a reflection is not an exact duplicate of the original. Mirrors have a tendency to distort some details... writing, for example, will look backwards in a mirror. And so it is with our children! Maddie's room is indeed a mess at most times. Although my room is usually neat, my desk is a disaster area. There's the distortion! Take it out one generation further, and my Mom's room is a mess! So my Mom subconsciously wants to fix a flaw in Maddie that she inadvertently sees in herself. She will often try to enlist me into the fray by having me tell Maddie to clean her room. Is the dirty room the only similarity I can see? No. There are many examples. To stay on neatness for a moment, we all have areas outside of our own personal space where we generate our own messy kind of comfort. For me, it is the garage, where I am constantly battling to clear up the clutter. For Maddie, the library has become her own personal girl cave. My reading chair seems to have molded itself to her shape and the side table always seems covered in her soda bottles and notes for school projects. Meanwhile, the basement has been taken over by my Mom's stuff and the kitchen island seems to have become the final resting place for much of her mail and notes. Even Ashleigh has her own special messy place in the living room! Lately, the dining room table also seems to be collecting a lot of Ashleigh's school supplies and coloring books. From the use of colorful language, to the quest for coffee and a mild form of procrastination, everything I see in my daughters I can also see in myself. To different degrees certainly, but they are still there. We all have different things that annoy us. While I do get on my daughters to curb their more egregious behavior, I also try to see where it is coming from and correct that as well. Oftentimes, the example they are emulating is me (but not always). Finally, with my daughters I try to lead by example. There are three old sayings that I try to remember always. These are: "People in glass houses should not throw stones."; "Those who say it can't be done, should get out of the way of those who are doing it." and "Do as I do, is a much better teacher than do as I say." "How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” That is a quote by Annie Dillard. Dillard is an American author who won a Pulitzer prize in 1975 for general nonfiction. I like her quote because it is short, to the point, and on target.
How we spend our days is ultimately how we spend our lives. The quote makes me stop and think about how I am spending my day. Too much of my day is spent working for others. Not enough is spent on what is truly important... teaching my daughters, exploring the world and generally keeping the people I care about happy. Although everyone has to work to survive, I am painfully aware of the time I spend working for others, likely because I once spent over a decade working for myself. When you work for yourself, the hours you spend are actually bringing you all of the benefits of that work. When you are working for someone else, they are deriving all of the extra benefit from your work above and beyond whatever they are giving you to do the work in the first place. So how do you want to spend your life? And how close are you to living your life in the way you want? After reading the above quote, I asked myself that question. I want to spend my life enjoying my daughters' company, hiking the Appalachian trail, practicing karate and learning. Short bouts of reading, sleeping, and watching the occasional movie would also be nice. So how am I doing? I spend a lot of my day working for someone else, and an hour or two teaching my daughters. Ashleigh gets traditional school work from me, while Maddie now gets most of her schooling through VLACs and instead gets (what I hope are) deep conversations from me to help her learn to cope with life. Twice a week, I get to work out and practice karate. In between, I try to get little jobs done around the house and generally do everything else that normally needs to be done during a lifetime. Sometimes I combine these functions. When I hit the men's room, I'll pick up a book and read a chapter or two before I come out. Otherwise, I find I do not schedule enough time to read. RIght before bed, I will also pick up a book and read for a few pages. My bathroom book is different than my bedroom book, thus I can often read one to two books a week. Another way I combine activities is that when I come in from outside, I make sure to hit my punching bag a little bit. It is rare that I can schedule a full thirty minutes on the bag anymore. I am just too busy. Thus, by making sure to punch it or kick it a couple of times as I walk past, I am sure to get at least a little practice in each day. In the end, the one constant in my life is that I always try to make time for my daughters. Children are the most important things that anyone can do in their life in my opinion. Why have them if you won't schedule time to enjoy their company. The bar can wait. Your old friends can wait. Hell, the job can wait! Enjoy your children while you can! Because pretty soon, they will be enjoying their own children. (picture by Maddie) I may get around...I may laugh alot... Now you'd think that I'd be happy with the life I got Nobody knows...nobody sees Ain't nobody really knows the inner side o'me... I may seem secure...I could have it made... You might think you see a lucky man who made the grade Nobody knows what dreams I see Ain't nobody really sure just who they wanna be... Those are lyrics by Billy Squier. I used to listen to him a lot when I was in high school and college. I thought about that song for the first time in a long while last night. My daughter and I were coming back from the movies and we were chit-chatting about different things. Somehow, we got to a conversation where I brought up we all wear many masks... a bastardization of Shakespeare's "All the world's a stage" quote meshed with Andre Berthiaume's "We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin." quote. She mentioned to me that while it's true we all play many parts, she tries to keep on the same face and be the same throughout. Very admirable, but also nearly impossible to do (at least to me, anyway). I thought about my own life, and where I need to keep parts of me in check. Not in major ways mind you, but just in little ways where decorum calls for a different attitude. In church for instance, where I find it is better to sit quietly rather than kid around with my daughters and try to make them laugh... or at the dojo where I try to just focus on my workout. Those are just basic examples. There are others too. But our talk brought those lyrics to mind after so many years of not thinking of them. It was weird, because what we were talking about barely touched upon what I think about when I read those lyrics. For quite a while when I was younger, I felt misunderstood. Not so much about what I said, but about what I didn't say. Oftentimes, I would hide my true inner feelings away figuring people would just know from looking at me or the way I acted. And to some extent, that was true. Those who knew me really well, DID know somethings about me. But not all things. You see, we all do wear masks that we hide behind. Sometimes we don't even realize it. They have become so comfortable in some situations that we put them on without even realizing it. Our friends and lovers, those that know us best, have seen many of the masks... and they can still recognize us for who we are. They may even chuckle when we put on a mask we may not have worn in a while. But I doubt anyone knows all of our masks... including ourselves! Now don't get me wrong. I am not talking about something sinister here. And mask may be the wrong word for what I am talking about. I guess I am talking about a break in your usual behavior pattern, or facial expression, or way you say something. Verbal and nonverbal cues that you are putting on a facade. We all do it. Whether it is our biggest exaggerated smile for a baby, or the look of empathy that crosses your face when you hear a sad story about a person you really know nothing about. There is nothing wrong with these affectations, unless you let them fool you as well. And this, I think, is where we all fail. We become so used to wearing certain mantles, that we allow them to graft onto our skin, and make us into people who we are not. When your inner feelings differ from your outward persona on a regular basis, then this has happened to you. Don't let this happen to you. When your inner feeling match your outward persona, this is when you are one. It is alright to put on a mask on occasion... so that you don't scare the hell out of children, for instance. Or so that you can sit through the church service without disrupting the Mass. Just don't let any one mask become you. True living comes from a life without masks. Cheers to you Maddie, for inadvertently reminding me of that. (For the record. "Nobody Knows was a great song by Billy Squier. He dedicated it to the life of John Lennon. The last couple of verses of the song are below.) * Photo by Maddie by the way! "I see my future at the rainbow's end
Happy hours...timeless friends And if I ever chance to find my way Rest assured...I will stay... You may see your life as a compromise You may live to find the promise dancin' in your eyes Nobody knows...it's meant to be... Let the magic of the moment say it all to me." "Good habits formed at youth make all the difference." That's a quote by Aristotle. If you do not know who he is, then you should stop reading this blog right now and go look him up. I think you will find his thoughts and writing well worth reading!
To get back to his quote, I must say I agree with it 100%. I honestly try to encourage good habits in my daughters now, while they are young, so that they will have a basis for living a good, productive, healthy interesting life. Would you like a couple of examples? Well, for starters, take this blog. Each day, my daughters are supposed to write a post about any topic they like. I want my daughters to be able to write well, and to be able to express themselves on any topic that they would like. Wishing this for my daughters is not enough. They need to practice this skill while they are young, so that it can come naturally for them later on. Let's face it, nearly every high-paying job out there has some writing involved with it. Lawyers, doctors, engineers, analysts, TV personalities or politicians all need to have the ability to write AND be understood. Entrepreneurs also need to be able to write. Whether it is for marketing, new proposals, or even just for thank you letters to an important client. Having a child write a little something every day just makes a lot of sense! Practicing karate is another thing that I have tried to make a habit for my girls. Training in the martial arts helps kids in so many ways. To start, the training helps them to develop physically, mentally and socially. The workouts are designed to help them to develop strength and stamina. Moreover, large motor skills, such as kicking and punching aid in the development of coordination and balance. Our school has five rules that both the adults and the children are expected to follow. In a nutshell, these are: Effort, Etiquette, Sincerity, Character, and Self Control. I am not going to go into detail about them here. (If anyone is interested, I wrote an article on the Bushido Code. You can read it here, although I used it for a marketing piece for my business at that time.) Suffice it to say that these rules help to develop self-discipline and confidence. I have also found that my daughters' attention spans have increased and their listening skills have improved. Both of my daughters started training at the age of three. Madison, my oldest daughter, is now a second-degree black belt. Training has become a way of life for her. It is a part of her. Ashleigh, is now a purple belt. She is participating in her first full tournament season this year. So far, she has won two trophies. She is optimistic that she will win more trophies this weekend. She has been practicing hard at the dojo and at home. Regardless how she does, I am proud of her. The girls also cultivate their own habits over time. I try to encourage there interest in the things they choose as well. If you have kids, cultivate good habits in them now. As a parent, it is our job to teach them. It is not the school's job... it is yours. Happiness is a habit. Teach your children to develop that habit. Healthy habits help to lead to a happy life. Help your children to develop habits that will serve them well for a lifetime. "To be at ease is better than to be at business. Nothing really belongs to us but time, which even he has who has nothing else." That is a quote by Baltasar Gracian. Baltasar was a Jesuit monk during the 1600's and happened to write one of my favorite books, The Art Of Worldly Wisdom.
The book is a masterpiece made up of about 300 maxims and his thoughts on them, giving advice on how to live fully and advance socially. Although the book was written over 360 years ago, many of its ideas still resonate today. In fact, I gave this book to Madison to read while I was home schooling her, and I plan to do the same with Ashleigh. To get back to the quote, I believe he is just stating the obvious. Even so, I think people have to be reminded of this from time to time. I know I do! Oftentimes, I find myself getting thoroughly engrossed in my work. I do research for a living, and I find the work both challenging and interesting. Still it is my work and NOT my life. Sometimes I need to step back and remind myself of that fact. Otherwise I find more and more of my time working on the computer and not doing things with my family. While it is nice to make enough money to live comfortably, it is not really living if you do not set aside time to actually live! Going forward, think about something you would have liked to have done with your family when you were a kid... and then do it with yours! Life is too short not to make memories. Your children's memories should not just mainly be with their friends! Take the time to get to know your children and do things with them. When I am old and dying, I do not want one of my regrets to be "I wish I had spent more time teaching my children what I found important in life." What is important in life to me ARE my children. And I want them to have as many great experiences with me as they can. No regrets people. We are all given the same amount of time each day. Use that time wisely, and make sure to leave some time each week to make memories for both you and your children. THAT is my meaning of life. "“A lot of people get so hung up on what they can't have that they don't think for a second about whether they really want it.” That's a quote by Lionel Shriver. Believe it or not, Lionel is a woman. She was a tomboy when she was younger and decided to change her name from Margaret to Lionel because she thought the more masculine name was more fitting for her.
Not much for me to say about Lionel, I have never read any of her material and I didn't know she existed until I read her quote. I liked the quote, though, and it got me thinking. I get hung up sometimes... not so much about what I can't have, but what might have been...which I guess IS the same thing after all. A lot of times, I will be sitting around working or listening to music, and something will inevitably remind me of my wife. A memory will be triggered and I will feel a deep well of sadness as I think of the good times we had at one time or another, and then I miss her. At those times, I fail to remember the problems we had and how her illness impacted the entire family. It's the second part of the quote that really got me to thinking tonight. I heard a song and thought of my wife and really missed her. Then I read the quote and I thought "if my wife was still alive, would I be having those feelings right now?" And to be honest, the answer was no. Not because I didn't love my wife, or because I no longer love her, but because before my wife died, I had divorced her to protect my daughters. My wife's alcoholism was out of control (it ended up killing her) and she could not be around my children without another adult present. I brought my youngest daughter, Ashleigh, home from the hospital when she was four days old, and I have raised her on my own until my Mom came to live with us in 2013. My wife spent some of that time in and out of rehab facilities, but mainly was out on her own drinking. Don't get me wrong, my wife loved our daughters. She was just not physically or mentally able to stop her addiction until it eventually took her life. She died of esophageal varices. Scarring, or cirrhosis of the liver is the most common cause of esophageal varices. This scarring cuts down on blood flowing through the liver. As a result, more blood flows through the veins of the esophagus. The extra blood flow causes the veins in the esophagus to balloon outward. Heavy bleeding can occur if the veins break open. Well, Sharon's veins broke open on at least two occasions. The second one that I know of killed her. Sharon already had a damaged liver when we met in 1999. She died in 2013. Ashleigh was born in January, 2010. Sharon's descent into oblivion really rolled into place in 2009, soon after she had become pregnant with Ashleigh. She couldn't stop drinking during the pregnancy. Although this likely sounds hollow, I did not know the extent of Sharon's drinking and its impact on her until she was already pregnant with Ashleigh. I knew she had still been drinking before we decided to have a second child, but she believed that the pregnancy would force her to quit again, as she did when she was pregnant with Madison. Unfortunately, this time she couldn't do it. To protect the baby, we put Sharon into an in-house rehab program at Phoenix House in Keene while she was pregnant to help keep her sober during her pregnancy. She completed the program, but started drinking immediately after she came out of the program, about two weeks prior to when she was to give birth to Ashleigh. She got drunk and broke her ankle on the first night she was home from the rehab. She had gotten the booze in Keene prior to me picking her up at the rehab facility. When we got home, I never thought to look in her bag she had brought from the facility since I picked her up from the facility, and brought her directly home. My daughter was born two weeks premature and with alcohol withdrawal. They sent me home with her at four days old. She was underweight, and needed to be fed every half an hour for the first two weeks of her life. Somehow, I did it while looking for a nanny to help me with the baby, while also taking care of Madison who was eight, and still somehow doing some work for my business. I literally had no sleep for the first four days. On day four, one of the travelling nurses who visited me to make sure the baby was doing okay, called me back that afternoon and offered to watch the girls for me in my house, while I caught some sleep. She came over, and I slept for eight hours. To this day, I still believe that angels sometimes walk among us, and come to help us in our hour of need. Soon after, I hired a nanny and things improved a little bit. For the next three years, my daughters and I struggled with Sharon's illness, I don't want to go into what we all went through. (By all I include Sharon, because she was suffering as well. She was ill, and she was missing her little girls. The emptiness only added to the stresses that triggered her drinking.) Looking back now, it seems like our days were filled with policemen, ambulances, hospitals, lawyers, doctor's visits, court visits, and of course, drunken interludes by Sharon. To this day, when an ambulance passes us in either Rindge or Jaffrey Maddie and I look at each other. When Sharon was alive, we looked at each other because we wondered if it was Mom being brought to the hospital again (oftentimes, it was). Now, we just look at each other just to silently say we remember. I can no longer see an ambulance without thinking of my wife... even though she has now been dead for three years. So anyway, what about the quote? When the song played tonight, and I thought about my wife, I realize that she is dead and can't come back. I recognize that, yet I still remember our good memories. The bad ones I mentioned above, I try not to think of any more. Yet soon after those good memories hit, I read the above quote and I thought: "If Sharon could come back, just the way she was, would you want her to come back?" And my answer to myself was no, I wouldn't. Because although I have a tendency to remember our good times together, if I think deeper, I remember all of the unhealthy things that my daughters saw and experienced. And I would never want to expose them to that again! Ashleigh was very young then, and barely remembers her Mom. She did not understand any of the bad things that went on, and I'd like to keep it that way until she is older, and inevitably asks me about her Mom. Maddie does remember, though, and I never want to expose her to anything so tragic and psychologically damaging again. To wit, be careful what you sometimes long for, because not everything you might want or miss is good for you or your loved ones around you. Sorry for the long, weird post... But it's what was going through my mind tonight, and sometimes I need to think out an explanation for myself. "There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it." That is a quote by Edith Wharton. Best known nowadays for her book The Age Of Innocence, few know that prior to her marriage she was known as Pussy Jones. Get your mind out of the gutter! Back then, Pussy had no derogatory meaning. Still, I thought it would be good to add that for a modern chuckle. I guess I watched too much Beavis & Butthead when I was younger. "huh, huh, huh... he said pussy!"
Anyway, to get back to the quote, there are obviously more ways to spread light than candles and mirrors. In her day, these were the two best ways to spread light. But I think the light she was talking about was happiness. Happiness is something we can all spread with a little practice. A smile, a kind word, a little extra effort in anything you do. All can help to make life a little happier for the people around you. So many people go through life spreading discord, stress and grief. How much better would life be if everyone tried to spread happiness? My daughters symbolized the discord today in the car. Both girls sat in the back of the car today on the way back from church. Ashleigh would say something and Maddie would jump on her, telling her to shut up and that she was silly. Ashleigh would then do and say things to annoy Maddie. How much nicer the ride would have been if Maddie would have found something nice to say to her sister. Instead of trying to bring happiness to her young sister, she is subconsciously teaching her that she has nothing of value to say and that if she continues to speak Maddie will make her unhappy. In a way, Maddie is teaching her sister to be unhappy, as she is, rather than to chase happiness. Overall, Ashleigh is an innocent child, and very happy. Sometimes, happiness can be threatening for those who are not happy since it threatens their view that the world is overall an unhappy place. For me, it is the little things in life that make happiness. While no one can always be happy, we can look for happiness, and if we cannot find it for ourselves, we can always try to help others find it. A comment like "I like the way you did your hair this morning", or even just a smile or a tap on the hand can bring happiness to people. I guess what I am trying to say is that if we can't find happiness for ourselves in a given moment, isn't it nice t know that maybe we have helped someone else to attain it? I know that in those times when I actually know I made someone else happy, I usually feel a little better myself. I also know that when someone goes out of their way to say something nice to me, I remember it for a long time. Here is a good case in point. Back in April of last year, I met a woman to sell her one of my wife's old pocketbooks. We stood and spoke for a few minutes and then both went on our way. I had told her about what happened with my wife and how me and my daughters were dealing with it, home schooling the girls, and working from home. When I got back from the trip there was a message for me from the woman. it said: " You are one of the most inspiring, endearing and interesting people I've ever met! Good luck to you and your family! Sounds like everyone is on the right path!! Have a blessed day!!" I must say that that message made me feel good. I always get a bit down speaking about my wife, so I was feeling a bit down by the time I got back, but that message was enough to make me feel a bit better. The message was unexpected but gave me a nice pick me up! How much better I felt after reading it. It was unexpected, and I am sure that that woman couldn't know how much that little text message lifted my spirits that morning... and at other times when I remembered about it. Indeed, I remembered it just now as I was writing this post and went back and found it to quote it here. A kind word can go a long way towards making someone's day. That text only took that woman a moment to write, and yet it did so much to make me feel better that week. It was so much nicer than telling someone to keep quiet because they have absolutely nothing to say that you want to hear! Words have power folks. Think about what you say... and how you say it. If you are unhappy, tired or hurting, does it in anyway make you feel better to make someone else feel that way as well? If you say yes, then you are trying to defend the defenseless. Be a light to others in your sphere of influence. If you can't be a light, then be a mirror. Just don't, whatever you do, be a well of darkness. Life is just too short. If you can't say something nice, then just say nothing at all. Sometimes silence can suffice. "Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye." H. Jackson Brown said that. If you ever wonder where I find all of these neat quotes. I get them Here: www.brainyquote.com. Although you can find quotes all over the web, I find this site has a nice selection and is easy to search through. You can search by topic or by author. I usually search by topic.
For today's quote, I used love as the topic. Why? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like the topics I choose are a little too somber or serious. Originally, I was looking for something humorous or light, but then I found the above quote. I thought about this quote for a little while before I decided to write about it...trying to figure out whether or not it was true. I think that it may be true. My wife was a beautiful woman and many people would think that with her problems, I likely chose her for her looks. This wasn't the case though. You see, my wife was married when I first met her, and I just saw her as one of the secretaries around the office. I lived along the shore in New Jersey when I was younger and a number of the guys from the office had chipped in and got a beach house in Long Branch. Given that I lived only 20 minutes from their house, I hung out with them all the time. One weekend, we were throwing a party at their house and many of the secretaries around the office were coming. Sharon knew about the party, but she hadn't been invited. I felt a little bad about that and invited her to come, telling her to bring whoever she wanted (meaning her husband was invited also). I did not expect her to come, but I wanted her to feel like she was part of the office anyway even if she couldn't make it. What I didn't know at that point was that her husband had died a few months before. I was really surprised when she showed up at the party that weekend around 9:30 in the evening. She had brought another one of the secretaries from Merrill, along with an Indian guy. When the guy went to get drinks for the ladies I casually said to her, oh, I didn't know your husband was Indian. She laughed and said he wasn't, her husband had died a few months back. I had never known. Well, one thing led to another, and we started dating that night. Still it wasn't a case of love at first site. I liked Sharon and realized she was very pretty, but I didn't fall in love with her until a couple weeks later once she read me her poetry. The raw power and emotion in her poetry spoke to me. The fact that she was willing to share it with me also made me feel a great attachment to her. I fell in love. About three weeks after that, she moved in with me. We were married six months later. Her poetry spoke to me, and my heart realized that I loved the beautiful girl who was reciting it to me. Sometimes our hearts do know what is invisible to the eye. I did know of Sharon's drinking problem before we got married. I married her anyway, figuring we would beat it together. It didn't work out that way. Sharon was ten years younger than me. I always figured it would be her holding me while I lay dying...when we were both old and grey. Instead, I held her as her life ebbed away while we were both young enough not to have too many grey hairs yet (I had many more than her). Sometimes the heart can see what is invisible to the eye. Other times, love is blind. My love was blind to the severity of the problems Sharon had, but my heart could see the beauty within her soul. My two daughters remind me of her daily. A look, a turn of the word, their talents, all remind me of Sharon. What my eyes don't consciously see, my heart knows. Well, so much for having a humorous post. Maybe tomorrow. This is a part of a quote someone wrote about an acid trip they had been on. Although I wasn't really interested in his trip, the above phrase really stuck out at me. At first, I thought the answer to the implied question was easy. Words were a form of communication, while silence was, well, really quiet! But then I started thinking about it. Sometimes silence can convey as much meaning as words. I started thinking about the last hours of my wife's life. She was dying in the hospital and was in an induced coma. She could hear what was going on around her at times, I knew, because I saw her react to things that I said, and actually try to open her eyes when my daughter came to visit her. There was so much I wanted to say to her as she lay there dying...but I didn't. I held her for six hours, yet I didn't say more than a few words to her. I held her in my arms until she died. I was afraid to say too much to her because I did not want to wake her up enough so that she knew what was happening to her. I didn't want her to know that my heart was breaking, that Maddie and Ashleigh were now going to grow up without a mother, or even that her parents had already left to go back to England. I did want her to know four things though, that I told her within the first few minutes of my vigil. My promises to her and my love for her. After that, there was over five hours of silence between us. Yet in that time, communication still occurred. I held her as lovingly as you can, while one is in a hospital bed, and the other is just kneeling on a chair next to the bed. I put my arm around her shoulders and let her head rest between the pillow and my shoulder. I tried not to move too much, because I did not want to jostle her out of unconsciousness. After three hours, I needed to pee badly. But I still did not move, because I thought she could go at any moment. You see, no one had told me that when you took someone off of a ventilator, they could live for hours. I hope that she somehow knew I was embracing her and that I wasn't going to let her die alone. I truly want to believe that at some point, she knew I was there with her. Words can sometimes fail us...but an embrace cannot be faked. At least not for six hours anyway. The whole time I held my wife, her eyes were closed, as if she was sleeping peacefully. The violence of her breathing belied the reality behind that picture though. When my wife finally passed away, I gave her a kiss and got up to go. I couldn't really walk yet because my legs had been in one position for too long. Instead, I stood there and answered a question the nurse asked me from across at the nurses station. I only looked towards the door for a moment, but when I looked back, Sharon's eyes were open. Now I know that muscles relax with death, and that it was an involuntary reaction. Yet her eyes seemed to be looking right at me. Were they accusing me? Were they thanking me? I don't know. My wife was already dead. I like to think that God was giving her one last look at me, before she began the long wait to see me again in heaven. The silence in the room was palpable. I mumbled "good bye my love", feeling a great well of sadness that never really goes away, and I then went out of the room. Sometimes, silence is the only way to convey a thought or action. Other times it is not. When Maddie was young, I sang to her often. Nowadays, I sing to Ashleigh. And she sings back to me. Maddie has outgrown my singing for the most part. Every once in a while, I will sing the song I made up for her to her anyway. I have made up very similar songs for both of my girls. I have also combined them to make one song to convey my feeling for both of them. The songs allow me to convey my love for my girls in a fun way without being smothering. I sing them to myself sometimes as I think back on little things I have done with one girl or the other in the past. Ashleigh gets a song nearly every time we go to karate alone together. The words, in this instance convey the message. It's a message that I never want them to forget. My daughters are growing up fast now. And I am growing older. In less than a decade, my eldest daughter will be leaving my home to start her own family. That is the reality of life. And yet I will continue to sing my Maddie song. As I did last night, and again today. I sing it to myself...or the Ashleigh song, when my spirits need a lift. Sometimes I sing it out loud, but usually in my head. I hope I have sung it enough so that somewhere in the back of their minds, they will remember them. Remember it, and recognize it. So one day, when they are well into their nineties, (at least) hopefully, they will recognize that song and not be afraid as they follow it back to its source in heaven where I will be singing it to welcome them home, and our family can be together again for eternity. The Maddie Song
M-A-D-I-S-O-N Daddy loves Maddie Madison And who's my good girl Mad-i-son? Daddy loves Maddie Madison. Daddy loves Maddie, Daddy loves Maddie. Daddy loves Maddie Madison! And who's my good girl Madison? Daddy loves Maddie Madison And who's my good girl Mad-i-son? Daddy loves Maddie Madison. Daddy loves Maddie, Daddy loves Maddie. Daddy loves Maddie Madison! The Ashleigh Song Who's my good girl, Ash-e-leigh? Daddy loves little Ashleigh. And who's my good girl Ash-e-leigh? Daddy loves big girl Ashleigh! Ash-e-leigh Ash-e-leigh! Daddy loves Ashleigh, Daddy loves Ashleigh, Daddy loves big girl Ash-e-leigh! And who's my good girl Ash-e-leigh? Daddy loves big girl Ashleigh! Ash-e-leigh Ash-e-leigh! Daddy loves Ashleigh, Daddy loves Ashleigh, Daddy loves big girl Ash-e-leigh! The Sisters Song (this is Ashleigh's favorite) Who's my good girl Madison? Daddy loves Maddie Madison. And who's my good girl Ash-e-leigh? Daddy loves little Ashleigh. Mad-i-son! Ash-e-leigh! Daddy loves Maddie! And Daddy loves Ashleigh! Daddy loves both his little girls! And who's my good girl Ash-e-leigh? Daddy loves big girl Ashleigh! And who's my good girl Madison? Daddy loves Maddie Madison! Ash-e-leigh! Mad-i-son! Daddy loves Ashleigh! And Daddy loves Maddie! Daddy loves both his little girls! Congratulations are in order for my daughter Madison. She fought in the USA Karate Grand Masters Tournament this weekend in Rindge, New Hampshire, and walked away as the 2015 Black Belt sparring champion for the co-ed youth Division (13 - 17 years old). She won her final match 5 points to 4 in a hard-fought battle to the finish. To win, she had to beat a seventeen year old boy who was undefeated for the entire tournament season. In fact, he had already beaten Maddie at least twice in other tournaments.
Needless to say, I am very proud of my daughter. Early in the match, her opponent jumped out to a two nothing lead. In black belt tournament sparring, a competitor can win a match by scoring three unanswered points, so the third clash was critical for Maddie. She quickly scored a point to her opponents stomach to force the match to a regulation five-point finish. Although I am happy that Maddie won, I am really proud of the guts and determination she showed. It takes a lot of guts to get up in front of people and perform. In this regard, all of the competitors on Sunday showed tremendous courage. Win, lose or draw, you are putting yourself up in front of a gym full of people and trying to do your best...knowing that you WILL be judged. Sometimes, the harshest critic isn't the three judges sitting in front of you... it is the little voice inside your head that tells you your best might not be good enough. No matter how tough your competition, the hardest fight can be with yourself. All of the competitors fought past their toughest critic on Sunday. I watched a number of matches on Sunday as a spectator. And I can tell you, I saw no losers there. Everyone who competed, no matter where they placed, were victors. They fought past the little voices in their heads that say I can't...and they proved that they could. At our USA Karate dojos we have five rules. They are:
This was particularly true after the sparring matches, particularly in the adult divisions where the exchanges were heated. Fierce competitors in the ring, once the final point was called in the match you would see them hug and congratulate each other...as it should be. I am very proud to be associated with USA Karate and the martial artists who train there. I am also happy and proud that my daughters are training at the dojo with me. My daughters both started training at the age of three. Originally, I took Maddie to classes so she could learn to protect herself. I soon came to realize that training in the martial arts is a way of life. So many of life's lessons can be learned at the dojo and carried over into our everyday lives. Effort, etiquette, sincerity, character and self control only touch on the surface of what my daughters learn at the dojo. Courage, self confidence, a healthy lifestyle, friendship, trust, the wisdom of peace over power... So many lessons, and yet I have barely touched the surface. My daughter's victory on Sunday was hard won and well earned. I am extremely happy for her and very proud of her. Yet every day that she goes to the dojo to train, she receives things that are more valuable than the trophy. The trophy symbolizes the hard work that she has done for eleven years to reach where she is today. The weekly visits to the dojo and the lessons she has been taught there are what put her in the position to win the trophy in the first place. In the end, karate is more about living than fighting. We initially go to the dojo to learn how to defend ourselves. We come out learning more about ourselves, and how to live a better, more meaningful life.
But I digress. We saw four bands tonight, in about five hours. We had great seats, just off to the side of the stage. From Ashes To New started the show and really got the crowd started. I had only heard one of their songs before, so I was pleasantly surprised that they could really rock. The highlight of the set was when the guitarist dove into the crowd and played the guitar as he crowd surfed through the fans. For those of you who don't know, crowd surfing is when a person is held up above the crowd and passed along hand to hand above the crowd. I thought it took a lot of guts for him to do that, and it really got the crowd going. They played for about 35 minutes and did a good job. Next, In This Moment came out to do their set. Although I knew a number of the songs the band played (they are one of Maddie's favorite bands), I didn't like their performance as much as the other bands'. After every song, the lead singer would stop to change costumes and the two minute lull between songs really took momentum away from the show. In fact, by the time the band was done with their forty-five minute set, the crowd seemed flat, and less excited than after the first band. I was a little disappointed given the momentum the first band had built going into their set and given that the group generally has hard-edged music that should resonate with the crowd. The band left with a whimper and it was time to wait for Papa Roach. Papa Roach came out next and floored the crowd! These guys really know how to rock and in my opinion, they put on the best set of the night. Twice the band came out into the crowd. At one point, the lead singer was only five rows away from us, and we were in the mezzanine! (I thought being in a mosh pit wouldn't be a great introduction to rock concerts for Maddie). All of the fans were on their feet for the whole set for Papa Roach compared to the more relaxed atmosphere for the first two bands. A mosh pit opened up in the middle of the floor and security was kept busy as scores of fans crowd surfed to the stage. Papa Roach played for about an hour and a half and did two encores, including the song "Scars" which the singer and the lead guitarists did while off the stage out on the floor near the edge of the mosh pit. My favorite songs were "Last Resort" and "Scars". I have to say that Papa Roach was definitely the highlight of the entire show for me and I would definitely recommend going to see them live if you like their music. They have a great stage presence! The final band of the night was Five Finger Death Punch. These guys came out and rocked hard, but did not beat Papa Roach for the sheer intensity or entertainment value of their set. Maddie felt that their drummer was the best one of the night, although I thought that the drummer for From Ashes To New beat him out. The mosh pit from Papa Roach continued during the Death Punch set, as did the crowd surfing. The band played a number of songs that we knew since both Maddie and I like heavy metal. My favorites were "Wrong Side Of Heaven" and "Remember Everything", while Maddie liked "Jekyll And Hyde" and "Remember Everything". One of the highlights of the show for Maddie was when the lead guitarist of Five Finger Death Punch pointed at her (he is the second guitarist back in this picture). At the time he was up on the little stage where the other guitarist is in this picture. We were close enough to the stage so he could see her and he did seem to have a habit of pointing at girls in the crowd. Anyway, it made her smile and amused me too. In the end, Five Finger Death Punch did a great job, but it just didn't match the performance put on by Papa Roach. With that said, Maddie and I had a great time. And I'd have to call that one of my better birthday presents in quite a while!
Okay, no quote today! What can I do? Who cares?! It's what I can't do that interests me. If you always set out to do what you can do, then there is no growth and you can't progress. Therefore, it is best to try to do what you can't do. Over and over again, until you can do it. Thus you increase what you can do and have a fuller life because of it.
I was just reading a blog post by James Altucher. It was a long post, and most of it just wasn't memorable to me. Yet there is one part near the end where it really hit home. He was writing about how his daughter had just lost a tennis match. He asked her " 'What did you learn?" She said, “What do you mean? I was disappointed.” He wrote: "If she always sticks to only what she can do (a safe, consistent serve instead of a harder one that will miss more) then she will never get better at what, right now, she can’t do." It’s the can’ts that add up to a win or a loss. The “cans” just keep you in the box of what is safe. That last line is brilliance in a simple form. The world doesn't progress with what "CAN" be done, but it takes astounding leaps when someone accomplishes what in the past couldn't be done. Think about it: In 1969 NASA put a man on the moon. One hundred years earlier, man was only going aloft in balloons. In 1903, Orville and Wilbur Wright brought us the first heavier-than-air flight. In 1926, Robert Goddard invented the first liquid-fueled rocket and by the 1950's man was leaving the earth's atmosphere. Man progressed by doing what they previously could not. Nowadays, Elon Musk is trying to land a man on Mars! In the years since 1969, We have put space stations in orbit around the earth, and we have put rovers on Mars, as well as numerous other accomplishments in space exploration. All of these wonderful discoveries and achievements are being driven by men and women who are not afraid to try what they can't do. On a more personal level, we don't have to aim for the stars to do something that we have never done before. For me, the martial arts and my writing give me two outlets to do things I have never done before. In karate, I have been working on spinning hook kicks to the head for months. When I first started practicing them, I could barely do a spinning hook kick to the body let alone to head level. The more I practiced the kick I could barely do, the better I have gotten at it. Now I can hit the bag at head level regularly with my spinning back kick. I now work on the timing so that I can actually land it against a moving target. As for my writing, I am always trying to push the envelope. In general, I write for a living. I work for Value Line and I cover 49 stocks and an industry. At a minimum, that amounts to about 200 articles a year. Supplementary reports likely bring that number closer to 250 pages. On top of that, I also write 5 blog posts a week for Mountain Rants. That means an additional 260 posts a year. It is with Mountain Rants where I can really try to push the envelope. I use Mountain Rants to tell my daughters things that I want them to know. Little life lessons to help them learn to think or live their lives more happily. The beauty of the posts is that they are there for posterity. My daughters, and others, can look at them whenever they like. Hopefully, they will find one or two ideas that will make their lives easier in the coming years. When I am not trying to teach my daughters something, I try to explore my own thoughts so I can see where I am in my life. No one is perfect, myself included. The only way to move forward is to examine where I am and where I have been. Socrates once said: "An unexamined life is not worth living." For Socrates, I think he meant that he wanted people to make conscious, ethical choices. For me, it means to see where I am now and how I can better myself in the future. Moving forward isn't found in the can. It is found in the can't. What is it that I can't do now, that I may be able to do with a little practice or trial and error? Where can I then go once I am able to do that? These are the questions that I look to answer. The final question is: Is it worth doing? We all only have so much time on this earth. Why waste it doing something that just isn't worth the effort to do? The answer to that will be different for each person. While the time it would take me to learn how to play the guitar at 50 may not seem worth it to me, for someone else it may fulfill a life's dream. Meanwhile, others may find it incredibly stupid for a fifty-year-old guy to learn how to do a spinning hook kick to someone's head. To each their own. In the end, I am interested in the can't. While Elon Musk's urge to go to Mars may be a nobler effort than my spinning hook kick, the difference in our incomes make his can't a little closer for him to achieve than it would be for me. If I can get off this earth with having landed at least one spinning hook kick to the head and having taught my daughters all that I have wanted to teach them, then I'll have reached today's horizons. Will these goals be enough for me tomorrow? Nope. As long as I am alive my goals will continue to change.. or more likely to expand to include other can'ts. Right now, as I write this, I know I have other goals as well. Other can'ts that I want to become cans. This blog post would go on for pages if I let it. For now, these two will do for good examples. What can'ts do you want to turn to cans? "Reality is an illusion, albeit a persistent one!" Okay, who said that one Einstein? I am not going to tell you. You'll just have to figure it out for yourself. I am in a weird mood tonight so I thought I'd talk about reality.
When talking about reality, it's best to find out who's reality you are talking about so that there aren't any mistakes. My reality is much different than my mother's or my daughters' for that matter. In fact, your reality is also much different than mine. Yet we all pretend to be living in the same reality. Think of the reality of a five-year-old girl. Her reality is very limited. The extent of her knowledge is very small still, thus her ability to think about her options is limited. My daughter's reality is that I am here for her, as is her grandmother and her sister. The dog is a nice distraction, as is karate and cartoons. She loves to play, and everyone she meets is a friend. Her reality is one of happiness and love...and about an hour a day when she is learning to read and do math. Karate is something she does for fun, and when she gets better at it, her friends Hanshi and Shihan gives her a new belt. Trips to the dojo are fun, and an adventure. If she's lucky, she gets a treat from Mc Donald's on the way home. Her Grandma, sister and Daddy all love her, and she knows she loves them. Yet she doesn't really know what love is. It is a word that can be used for many feelings. She loves cookies and cheese, and her toys too. She also loves nearly everyone she meets and she believes they all love her as well. And, in a way, they do. Likely in the same way she means she loves them. My daughter Maddie's reality is more varied. The horizons are further off and not filled with the wonder of Ashleigh's. While things can still be new and exciting for her, they are fewer and farther between than when she was younger. Not everyone is a friend in Maddie's world. Some just can't be trusted. Those she trusts, she trusts with her whole heart, and it hurts her if she then finds out that they can't be trusted. Her reality is one of conflicting emotions, logic and hope. It is a mix of the physical, the spiritual and the soul. Like Ashleigh's it is still evolving. Her reality would not be recognizable by her sister. Not yet anyway. Karate is also a part of Maddie's life. it is a place to be social, a place to learn and to test herself. A place where, she too, is tested. Maddie is now at a stage where reality is changing for her on a nearly daily basis. While some things are constant, oftentimes she doesn't see the consistency and is swept away in her ever-changing reality. Relax munchkin. Some things will never change, even if you want them to. A father's love will always be there for you. To help you through your tough times. A grandmother's and sister's love will also always be there. Explore your world. See what works...and what doesn't. See how you can best view, and shape your reality. Be patient. It gets easier. Look for the good, and you will find it. Don't settle for less than what you want. Use logic to help shape the reality you want. My reality is different than either of my daughters'. To steal a quote from Alan Watts, "I have realized that the past and future are real illusions, that they exist in the present, which is what there is and all there is." I sometimes feel that half my waking hours I live in the past (memories). Thoughts of my wife, thoughts of things I've done. Memories both happy and sad. And each day, I try to fill my head with new memories. Happy ones to replace sadness. My morning hugs from my daughters, A moment of conversation with Maddie, playing with Ashleigh or having her jump on my back as we watch a video. These are my reality. What drives me to do everything else. A hard workout at karate, a new technique, a joke among friends. When I am away from my computer I live! Yet I work from my computer to allow that lifestyle. Reality needs balance, and I have yet to catch my balance fully since my wife's death. I live in my head. And yet I live in the physical world too. The action and the reality are where the two worlds collide. Reality for me now is like a comfortable couch, with a tiny cheese grater attached to it somewhere. It's comfy until you move and then you get the cosmic scrape. learn to move without the grater ripping into your soul, and life can be good. I find the memories sometimes have razors, though, so you have to be careful what you remember and when. There enough for one night. I am going to have to remember not to play hippy music when I sit down to write. Because for me, what a long strange trip this post has been! Take what you can from it. This morning I had a dream. In it I was in a place I have never been, doing things I have never done, with faceless people that I seemed to know. I woke up suddenly (thanks Lucky) and so I remembered it. Given there was so much pointless stuff going on in my dream, it made me ask myself the age old question, "What is the meaning of life?" After 49 years I can tell you confidently that I don't have the slightest idea!
I mean, think about life, not just yours, but everybody's. Some are running around looking for more and more material things, while others are just struggling to survive another day. While some would say that life is just the pursuit of happiness, I would tend to disagree. The pursuit of happiness is just something some are in a position to do with their spare time. For others, life is a constant struggle just to survive. So what would the meaning be for them? I guess you could say they want happiness too, but that they are just having a harder time reaching it. My daughter, Maddie thinks that the real meaning of life was the pursuit of happiness. She points to the Garden of Eden as her example. She says while we were there, there was happiness...until we got kicked out. I disagree with her. I look at that story differently. If Adam and Eve were happy, then they would not have eaten the forbidden fruit. Even if the serpent didn't say a word, it's likely that they would have eaten it at some point or other. Why? Curiosity. Secondly, if God really didn't want man to eat from the tree, he would have placed them elsewhere. Most people view God as an all knowing being. If this is true, then he already knew that Adam and Eve were going to eat the forbidden fruit. If he didn't know, then he wouldn't be all-knowing. Out of all the stories in the bible, this story makes the least sense to me. To me, God already knew or should have known what was going to happen, if he was all-knowing. Thus, the whole situation looks more like a set up. A set up so that A. God could kick us out of the Garden of Eden, or B. he could set up a situation where he could blame the humans for their own downfall. Either situation doesn't point to a god to me. Secondly, think of the punishment God handed down for that transgression. Not only were Adam and Eve banished from the Garden of Eden, but everyone who came after them. Think about it! That would be like humans finding a murderer guilty and then hanging him and everyone in his family for the crime. That certainly doesn't sound like an all-loving god. But I digress. Suffice it to say that I don't think the pursuit of happiness is the meaning of life. A drug addict getting high is pursuing happiness...while he is killing himself in the pursuit. THAT is certainly NOT the meaning of life. The pursuit of happiness is something we all do, to some extent anyway, but I do not think it is the meaning. So what brings meaning to my life? My children. When I was at my lowest, I kept going for my children. Not for my own happiness, but to try and bring about theirs. What do you love more than yourself in life? I think that is the true meaning of life. To distill it further, I think the meaning of life can be different for each and every one of us. For me, it is that which I would willingly give up my life for. That would be my daughters. Everything else pales in comparison. In the end, I really don't know what the meaning of life is. For me, it is my daughters. That is as near an answer as I can reach. If any of you think you have figured it out, leave a comment and let me know. I don't think the pursuit of happiness has anything to do with it. I think that the pursuit of happiness is a distraction from the true meaning, and that to attain true happiness, you first need to learn the real meaning of life. Otherwise, any happiness you may find will be hollow and fleeting...similar to what everybody already seems to be chasing. Sometimes excruciating pain can be hidden by a smile. A lot of times, it's hard to tell when someone is in pain. To me, there are three types of people in this world.
The first type, feels pain and is stopped by it, Whether it is physical or emotional, these people feel pain and stop. They just can't function until the pain goes away. Often times these people won't admit they are in pain, at least not to friends and family, they will just slowly withdraw from life and do the minimum they can to get by The second type of person is the type that feels pain and wants everybody to know that they are hurting. They usually won't come to a dead stop, they will just keep on, but with a reduced capacity. They will go to doctors if the pain is physical, or seek emotional support if the pain is mental. These people will often times find an end to their pain and are likely to have gotten help to fix things. In my mind, they are likely the healthiest of the three types. The third type, are people like me. I am a pain blocker...or at least I try to be. When I get hurt, I acknowledge the pain but then try to put it away some where so that I can go on doing whatever it is I am doing. I do this both with mental and physical pain. In the past, I have walked around with broken ribs, practiced karate during a bout with gout and I have popped a number of my toes back into place after they dislocated. Physically, probably the worst pain that I worked through was when I was a walk in to the intensive care ward at Princeton Hospital. I had caught C-diff and was bleeding internally. The doctor told me he didn't know how I was even standing let alone walking. As a child, I remember playing sports while injured. I played team sports, and I often believed it was better for the team to have me play hurt than to not play. The year I did that, I was the scoring leader for the entire league. Our team went on to win the league championship and we had an undefeated 12 - 0 season. I honestly believe that by playing hurt (sprained ankle) I helped to keep our team undefeated. We had a good team, but our bench was not deep. Later, I played football and soccer the same way. I remember my first knee injury, when I initially cracked the cartilage in my knee. I was taken off the field after the initial injury, but went back into the game a few plays later. While it hurt, I didn't yet know the extent of the damage. I just figured it was badly bruised and I would get over it after a play or two. I played defensive tackle for the rest of the game and also played on the offensive line. After the game, I then went off and played in a soccer game. By the time I came out of that game, my knee had swelled like a soccer ball. X-rays later revealed I had a hairline crack in my cartilage. Over the years, I also got good at hiding mental pain...well, maybe not so good. I drank a lot when I was younger, and some of it was to help me to change my mood. If you asked me back then why I drank, I would say to get fucked up and be social. But those weren't my only reasons. I see that now. I also drank to ease the emotional pain I was going through. I always tried to bury that deep, but it was there none the less. The sad part is that I can't even tell you why I had those feeling. Why I felt sad, or unliked. I had lots of friends and acquaintances, and a family that loved me. Still, my head was filled with self doubts and sadness. Going out with my friends and getting fucked up let me forget for a while. I never seemed sad while at a party, but there was always a part of me that felt I didn't actually fit in, even though I usually seemed to. Our minds can be our own harshest critics. While we can use our minds to block pain, sometimes we also use them to block the realizations that can help us to resolve our pain. My pain stopped when I felt needed. Not wanted, not liked or even loved, but needed. My wife and I fell in love. I needed her in my life, and she needed me. Her need for me to be strong for her and our family took away my pain (at least the pain that had been haunting me...new pains came from our relationship). I look back at my younger years and I see a pain that didn't need to be there. My wife's need filled my heart with love. It healed me of my sadness. Everybody needs to feel needed. To not feel needed, to not feel like your life makes a difference, is a pain much worse than any physical pain you can endure. My wife died two years ago. She still needs me. She needs me to pray for her and light candles (and I do) and she needs me to take care of my two beautiful daughters. My daughters need me...to be there for them and to show them how to live a happy and fulfilled life. I try my best for them. And in return, I need my daughters. I need them to teach me about myself, to remind me of their mom, and to enjoy their company. I love to watch them grow up and to keep filling my head with new memories. I love to have one on one talks with Maddie while we are riding to or from somewhere. Meanwhile Ashleigh is my ray of sunshine! I love to watch the progress she is making while she learns to read, and the leaps of logic that she makes when she recognizes a pattern in what she is doing. Watching the girls learn new things is a thrill for me! Do I still block pain? Sure. My knee is a mess and I have my usual bouts with arthritis. Mentally, I am still coming to grips with my wife's death, but I am seeing more rays of sunshine all of the time! In the end, don't let pain stop you. Mental pain can go away. Fill the empty spaces where it had reigned with happy memories that you create each day. You can create a happy memory each day! Sometimes you just need to look for them. It's the little things that drive happiness. Fill your life with little bits of happiness and you will soon find that the mental pain will recede to the back ground. I hope these thoughts can help some of you out there who may be suffering with something similar. There is already too much sadness in the world. Work at bringing a little bit of happiness into your own world each day, and I think you will soon find that it will be infectious for the people around you. Good night, Places to see, things to do, all within two hours of home! Yesterday, I took a vacation day and had a great time! My daughters and I spent the day visiting museums located within a short distance from our house. Originally, we were going to visit the Polar Caves and Squam Lake Science center in the White Mountains. The radio kept warning about the threat of thunder storms in the Boston area, though, so we changed our plans at the last second so that we instead would visit indoor attractions. While it ended up not raining for the entire day (figures...weathermen are rarely right!), we still had a great time, and I'm glad that we went where we did! Our first stop, after picking up one of Maddie's friends on the way was the McAuliffe-Shepard Discovery Center in Concord, New Hampshire. The Center was made up of two floors of exhibits and a planetarium. We started our visit at the planetarium since its first show of the day, "The Magic Tree House", was designed for younger children. The show was filled with basic information about space and was just right for Ashleigh. The show kept her attention the entire time, and the underlying story helped to keep the information flowing smoothly. Maddie and her friend also seemed to enjoy the show. Afterwards, we walked through the Center's two floors of exhibits. They had a full-size jet fighter on display as well as a replica Gemini space capsule. There were a number of hands-on exhibits including a simulator allowing you to fly the space shuttle, and another that let you try your hand at landing the Apollo 11 lunar lander. Other stations were designed to help explain gravity, mass, and propulsion. Overall, we had a great time, although I think Ashleigh enjoyed the exhibits more than the rest of us. She really liked playing with all of the hands on exhibits. She even tried on a fighter pilot's helmet, which quickly slipped down over her eyes and made for a funny picture. We next drove about an hour to the Mt. Kearsarge Indian Museum in Warner, New Hampshire. We stopped along the way and ate a leisurely lunch at a country kitchen and then drove on to the museum. I think my Mom and I enjoyed the museum more than the girls did. We opted for the guided tour and the tour guide was extremely knowledgeable. Ashleigh was tired, though, and needed to go out to the car for a rest, while Maddie and her friend found that the tour was too slow moving for their taste. About half way through the tour, I was the only one left with the tour from my family so I too left and ran to catch up with the rest of them. Outside of the museum, they had a tepee set up and a nature trail. The girls had a better time on the grounds than they did inside the museum. After about a half an hour of walking around the grounds, we left for our final destination for the day. Our final stop was at the Hood Art Museum in Hanover. The museum is attached to Dartmouth College and is free to get in...you can't beat that! This was Ashleigh's first visit to an art museum and it was funny to see her reaction. It was easy to tell what she liked and didn't like. She didn't seem to be a big fan of modern art. At one point, she said "I do better than that!". After looking at what she was pointing to, I must say that I agreed. Most of her favorites were outdoor scenes similar to the one behind us in the picture. They even had a painting of Mt. Monadnock! One of my favorites was a relief from the Northwest Palace of Ashurnasirpal II at Nimrud. The relief was carved nearly 3,000 years ago! The amount of detail was incredible. Just looking at this piece from a distance doesn't do it justice. When you get up close you can see small details that the artist added that just make you say wow. The toe nails for instance, actually look like toenails! I expected that they would be little square blocks on the end of each toe, but they weren't. They had curvature to them and depth. Where the toe nail attached to the foot, the artist had even chiseled a little deeper to make it look like the nail was actually going under the skin. It was amazing! So lifelike, and yet one of the men is portrayed with wings! Why? what was the artist trying to symbolize with those wings? I'll be the first one to tell you that I am poor at picking up symbolism in art. Even so, I wonder if anyone really can tell us what is going on here. I love history, and I like to look at art. When I can combine the two, it's even better. If anyone can give me a reasonable explanation of why the artist put wings on this guy, please leave me a comment. Inquiring minds would like to know! . In all, I think we all had a great day! We got home around 10:00 at night after grabbing dinner out and dropping Maddie's friend off at her house. "Grades don't measure intelligence and age doesn't define maturity." I think this is something that everyone needs to remember. The other day I met a woman who doesn't like the fact that her daughter knows someone who is older than her. I couldn't tell this from just chatting with her for the two minutes when I met her. I found this out after the fact when my daughter told me that she was upset that her daughter actually knew someone who was of working age.
Making someone hang out with people only their own age seems very limiting to me, particularly when we are talking about teenagers. People mature differently depending on their experiences. To hold someone back just because of their age is just silly.Now, does that mean I think that a thirteen year old should date someone three or four years older than her? Absolutely not. But to just know the person? I don't think that is a crime. I have news for you people, the only place where age is an issue is within the current school system. In the schools, the grades are cordoned off by age, The date you are born is strictly used to say when you start kindergarten. You are then kept in your grade, regardless of how well you are doing. If you get good grades, they don't move you up to where your intelligence level is, No, they tell you you are doing great and keep you in the same grade as others who may not be learning as quickly. Instead of teaching children to achieve all that they can, they hold back learning for some so that all may progress together. No where else in your life are you going to find anything else like this...unless you work a union job of course! In a union, all are paid the same for the same type of work. If you are twice as productive as the next person, you don't get paid any more and they don't get paid any less. Thus, there is no incentive for people to work harder. In home schooling my children, I try to teach them to do their best and to learn at their own pace. instead of cramming their heads full of facts, I try to teach them to think. Sure, they still get a lot of work that involves facts, the curriculum I try to follow is very heavy in math and writing. I also try to keep them up to date with history and science. For the most part, though, I try to give them a lot of subjects that they are interested in. I want them to be interested in learning new things...and writing about what interests them...not so much me. My daughters each have friends that are older and younger than they are. Although Maddie is thirteen, most of her friends are fifteen and sixteen. She has both male and female friends. Later on in life, She will be exposed to people both younger and older than her. Why should it be any different now? To sum up this rant, my daughters are very intelligent, yet neither one of them has ever received a grade. Many of Maddie's friends think she is sixteen or seventeen, until she tells them her age. To put it in perspective, Maddie is smarter and more mature than some of the adults I know. She no longer plays with toys really, and to force her to choose friends her own age would be doing her a disservice. When she meets someone who has similar interests and they become friends, age is one of the last things on her mind. In fact, one of her most recent friends is about a month younger than she is. They are friends because of what they have in common and because they enjoy each other's company...not because they are the same age. I read an interesting quote this morning. It said: " I think as you grow older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can't be bought." I find this statement is very true. I always have a tough time when people ask me what I want for Christmas. I have everything I really want already. What I want, can't be given easily.
So what do I want? Happiness for my girls. Time to spend more time with them. Answers to their questions, so that I can help them make wise decisions for themselves. I want my little day to day aches and pains to go away and for all the people I know to be healthy. I want to stop wasting time and instead focus on what really matters. These are all gifts that can't really be given. Some of them, I may be able to accomplish, but no one can really give them to me. So what can people give me for Christmas that I would really appreciate? If you know me well, a hug and a smile is always appreciated. Some time to grab a cup of coffee or to just sit and chat is also nice. An activity to do together to create some new pleasant memories would also be cherished. So am I eschewing material things? No. I am sure there are things that I could actually use. I am just not sure what they are. My house is filled with stuff. If I got rid of 75% of it, I'd likely be happier. I am nearly fifty now. I enjoy my comfy couch in the living room, although I don't take the time to sit in it very much. My bed is useful for the 5 hours I sleep in it each night. I use both of my desks a lot, and my car sees some use each week. My computer and kitchen table are also useful. Yes, I wear clothes every day (although I have a tendency to wear the same five or so t shirts over and over again as well as the same five or so pairs of jeans). So where am I going with this? I don't know. I guess what I am trying to say is that my material wants are few, and that the above quote is true. What I really want is for the people I love to be happy...and that true happiness can't be bought. It might be found for a little while here and there, but it is elusive. And with that, my mom has just brought me a cup of coffee and I am going to end this post with the realization that a moment of happiness can occasionally come in a mug! I am looking out my window right now and two colors hit me. Green and grey. The green really pops out at me today due to the absence of any other bright color. The trees and grass are bright green, whether it be a light or dark green and it is really beautiful.
The grey is also beautiful. The sky (It's a rainy day here), the rocks (I do live on a mountain in New Hampshire, you know) and the bark of the different trees all look grey today. It's alright, though.Sometimes you need the grey to see the other beauty in your life...like all the green. Sometimes, I think we live our lives in shades of grey. Think back on your day yesterday. What really stands out to you? For me, it's the times when I had a smile on my face. The rest of the day was like an old, black and white movie. The part that comes through with the most clarity and color was my ride to karate class with Ashleigh. My daughters have a way of putting a smile on my face. Yesterday was a perfect example. When I got in the car I was a bit uptight. I had a lot of work to do at home and I felt I was running late for getting to class on time (I wasn't...we actually got there 15 minutes early). In fact, I will go as far as to say I was grumpy. As we pulled out of the driveway, I started telling Ashleigh that I wanted her to focus in class and that I wanted to run her through her forms once we got to the dojo before class. Ashleigh turned to me and with a smile on her face said that she would and ok. Me, being grumpy, I got the distinct feeling that she was yessing me to death, and I asked her if she knew what focus meant. She said, "yes, to pay attention."" I then asked her to define pay attention. With her bottom lip quivering, she looked at me and said "I don't really know...does it mean focus?" The look on her face, and her answer just made my heart melt. I told her "Yes it does." and the smile she gave me just lifted my entire mood for the rest of the day! We both busted out laughing at that point, and my life was once again filled with color. For the rest of the trip, the world was colorful again. At one point, I tried to sing her a song (because I know she likes that), she stopped me and said, "Daddy I'd rather talk right now.", and for the rest of the trip she told me what she saw. She didn't see the factory we passed, the wet road or the other cars... But she did see the cows in the field, the birds flying overhead and the pretty flowers in front of a house that was well off the road. She did take note of the ice cream store, and a number of large puddles and a truck that went by that was her favorite color. As she described all these things that pleased her, my day went from black and white and shades of grey, to a colorful panorama of beauty. The feeling stayed with me throughout the rest of the day. Now, as I sit looking out of my office window, that one little memory brings back the beauty of those moments. The greens seem much brighter to me now than they did a few minutes ago when I started this post. Thank you Ashleigh, for teaching Daddy another lesson. The world is a very big place, but in any given moment you can choose what you want to see. My daughter chooses to see beauty and happiness. She keeps things simple and actively looks for the things that make her happy. What a wonderful way to be! Living life with color...and beating back the shades of grey. |
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