"Turn your face toward the sun, and the shadows will fall behind you." This is a Maori proverb about staying optimistic. I think Rihanna may have used it in one of her songs as well, but I think it was a proverb long before she sang about it.
Evil is said to lurk in the shadows, and many people seem to have a superstitious dread of them. As the proverb says, if you are facing the sun, you will never see the shadows. They are still there, you just won't see them. I don't think optimists are not aware of the problems around them. Instead, I think they just choose to focus on the positives that surround them. Oftentimes, by focusing on the positives in any situation, you can sometimes find the solution for the negatives. I guess the easiest way to explain it is thatt if you are constantly looking at why something won't work, you are less likely to see how it can work. For me, I like to look at both. Any time I see something that isn't working for me, I try to look for the solution, instead of complaining about the problem. If the solution I choose doesn't work, I then try to find out if it needs modifying or if I need to scrap it altogether. All said, I think looking towards the sun is a great way to say stay optimistic. Life can be beautiful. If you are always focused on the sad or the bad, it makes it very hard to see the good. Step out into the light and let the shadows fall behind you.
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With Thanksgiving just tomorrow, there is a good amount of stress surging through my house. Even though there is literally no one coming over, the house is abuzz with cleaning, baking, and unfortunately, arguments. These arguments are getting started over the stupidest shit, too- such as windows being cleaned or how many apples are going into a pie. It's ridiculous and I'm getting quite tired of it. In honor of this- here are some quotes about stress (and why you should avoid it, particularly over small things.)
“You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.” “I promise you nothing is as chaotic as it seems. Nothing is worth diminishing your health. Nothing is worth poisoning yourself into stress, anxiety, and fear.” “In times of stress, the best thing we can do for each other is to listen with our ears and our hearts and to be assured that our questions are just as important as our answers.” “Pain is a relatively objective, physical phenomenon; suffering is our psychological resistance to what happens. Events may create physical pain, but they do not in themselves create suffering. Resistance creates suffering. Stress happens when your mind resists what is... The only problem in your life is your mind's resistance to life as it unfolds. ” “If you really want to escape the things that harass you, what you’re needing is not to be in a different place but to be a different person.” “Stress is the trash of modern life-we all generate it but if you don't dispose of it properly, it will pile up and overtake your life.” "You cannot free someone who is caged in their own self." "In order for you to live life like it is golden, you must love the life you are living." I'm not one for politics, so I'll keep this post short. I just figured I'd throw my two cents in on everything that has happened in the past few days.
I'll admit, I haven't been paying much attention to the stuff leading up to the election this year. I knew that like almost every year, both candidates were crummy and didn't offer much to our country that we don't already have. Lies and corruption that I have no control over? No thanks, pass. I had better things to spend my time worrying about- such as homework assignments and keeping up with my grades. But now that we have President Trump... the country seems to have gone beserk! Rioting and highways being closed off, cars being crashed, buildings being torched down in protest... that's no longer protest folks, that's straight up illegal. While none of this is amusing in any way, I do find it funny that these "protests" are being instigated by the very same group of people who love to call out Trump supporters for being hateful and bigoted. The same people who were so scared of a Trump presidency because of the hate crimes they thought would ensue.... The only hate crimes I'm seeing are against Trump and anyone who voted for him. I see my friends getting into full-blown arguments on Facebook because of their views and such things as "If you voted for anyone but Hillary, please explain to your female, LGBT, Muslim, etc. etc. friends why you don't care about their rights" and nothing pisses me off more. For God's sake, who you vote for does not define you as a person! Everyone has flown off the hook and forgotten that the same kindhearted person they are friends with is still that same person, no matter which way they voted. I think that's the bottom line here- people need to remember that elections don't define people. The way you react to things not going your way, however... that WILL define you, and your maturity level. Please keep that in mind before ripping shit all over my newsfeed for no reason. - Maddie Don't tell me about having respect for those who are working when you don't show common decency to minimum wage workers... I know how to be respectful.
Don't tell me not to yell if you've been yelling for the past twenty minutes. Don't tell me to show you respect if you won't show me any yourself. Don't tell me I'm stupid, clueless, or anything of the sort and then expect me to instruct you in how to do things / fix everything for you. Don't tell me about how to keep my own space clean if your mess is cluttering places the entire family uses. Don't complain about me "harassing" you all day if you ask me to run errands for you and then proceed to harass everyone else yourself. Don't ask me for help and advice if you're only going to tell me that what I told you is wrong and not attempt it in the first place. I'm sorry if any of you take this post in the wrong way. I'm very, very tired of hypocritical people expecting everything to be done in a certain way by everyone around them and then refusing to follow through with it themselves. If I expect something from someone else, then I'll at least try to follow through with it myself. In a way, it's the principle my dad uses with this blog- my sister and I write on it; but to set a good example, he does too. That goes as far as respect. I think I've explained this before but I can honestly never say it enough. I will treat everyone with the same amount of respect until they give me a reason to show them more or less. I'll go as far as to say that I'll even give disrespectful people second and third chances by continuing to show them respect, even if they show none to me. I give chances to see if they'll reciprocate. Some people simply aren't used to being treated nicely and it reflects in their treatment of others. If, after those chances have been given, the person still chooses to be disrespectful? After that point I see no reason to show them any respect after I went out of my way to try and understand them. That's the bottom line and the end of this post, and topic. I really don't have anything more to say. This needs to stop. - Maddie
When I was 1, I was too small to learn anything but my basic motor skills. When I was 2, I was slowly learning to read and speak. When I was 3, I learned that I had a love for karate. When I was 4, I learned that "stupid" was a bad word to be replaced with "silly". When I was 5, I learned that I could be friends with older people (my first friends were 7 and . When I was 6, I learned to be observant. When I was 7, I learned that even those I thought loved me most could lie while smiling at me. When I was 8, I learned to be cautious and protective. I also learned what it means to be an older sister. When I was 9, I learned anger, and to repress emotion until my breaking point. I learned what breakdowns were and how horrible they were. When I was 10, I learned about disappointment. I learned that people say a lot of things, but it doesn't make them true. When I was 11, I learned about loss. I learned about depression. I learned about making hard choices and I learned that you should never go to bed angry at the ones you love. When I was 12, I learned that you never fully can appreciate what you have until it is too late. I learned regret. I learned to mourn in silence so I didn't disrupt my family but I also learned to cry on my dad's shoulder at 3 am. When I was 13, I learned to forgive. I also learned that forgiveness will get you walked all over. I learned about emotionally abusive friendships and I learned that sometimes you can't be concerned about hurting others if they're hurting you more. I learned to truly internalize my depression. I learned to hide from everyone and wallow in sadness, running from my past rather than facing it. I learned that poetry was an outlet for pain. When I was 14, I learned that things can get better. I learned that life doesn't stop moving because shit happens, I learned that you must be the change you wish to see in the world. I learned to embrace my past and use it to help others... and myself. I learned what true friendship looks like and I endured a couple of foolish short-lived heartbreaks. I learned to cope with my depression and combat it. I learned that it is rain that grows flowers, not thunderstorms and that words are often forgiven and seldom forgotten. I learned to control my anger and my attitude and I learned compassion and empathy. Now I'm 15.... and after all I've been through.... I think I have finally learned to be happy. I have learned that life is what it is; it comes and goes and it has ups and downs but if you didn't have downs, you would simply be living your life in a straight line. I've learned now that my thoughts are everything and that a negative mind will get me nowhere. And I'm proud of myself. - maddie "Everything we see hides another thing; we always want to see what is hidden by what we see." That is a quote by Rene Magritte. Depending how literally you want to take this quote, it is obviously true. To start, I am going to look at it scientifically, and then I will try and get a little more touchy/feely with it too. The easiest way to grasp this quote is scientifically. When we look at anything, we only see what we have the ability to perceive. Our eyes can only see color in certain wave ranges. What we can't see, we won't perceive, unless we have special gauges that allow us to pick up what is there but is not visible to us. A good example of this is found in King Tut's tomb. The tomb was originally opened in the early 1920's, but it was just recently that they discovered that there is a hidden chamber behind one of the walls. They believe it is the queen's burial chamber. It was found by looking at the chamber thermographically. This is a diagnostic technique originally used in the medical fields, where an infrared camera is used to measure temperature variations on the surface of an object. In archaeology, a wall with a cooler area implies that there may be a chamber of some type hidden behind the wall. Without the use of the new equipment, we may never had known about the chamber! It was there the whole time, we just couldn't see it. Other examples include bacteria and viruses. Although they have always been present, we didn't know about them until the invention of the microscope. To take it a step further, animals have different senses than us also. A dog's sense of smell is nearly 400x more sensitive than ours, and they can hear things in ranges a human will never hear. We interact with dogs every day, and yet they perceive the world in an entirely different way than we do. Sometimes, I think the reasons we have not found evidence of extraterrestrial life forms is because the way we perceive things are just too different than the hints that the other types of life are producing. Here is another example of what I am talking about. On the earth today there are animals that can live at depths that man could simply not handle. There are also some types of life that can live in ocean vents that are spewing boiling hot water. Man cannot live in either environment. Yet once we found a way to look at these environments, we found that there is life there. Giant squids and sperm whales often battle in the depths. At the depth that giant squids live, there is no sunlight. and yet the whales are able to find the squids and eat them. Sucker marks have been found on whales that are up to 28 inches across! These likely came from 50-foot squid. Although we can't survive under those pressures, and we cannot see in the darkness at those depths, The whales and the squid both seem to have the ability to do so. If these large creatures can be alive and yet under our line of regular site, how many other things are we missing, simply because we don't have the ability to perceive them? One more scientific example before I move on. Did you know that not only are there things that live in the depths of the sea, but that there are also creatures that can live more than 1000 meters below the sea floor as well? That's right, scientists have found bacteria in drill cores that they took up from below the sea floors. The bacteria lived off of things that died millions of years ago. It is truly amazing if you think about it! Will we find life in space? Who knows! We are still finding life we didn't know about on our own planet. Sometimes, even what we see with our own eyes can hide other truths from us.Oftentimes, my first impression of someone is wrong. People I thought were rude and abrupt were really only having a bad day and I later grew to like them immensely. Meanwhile, other people who I liked right away turned out to be manipulative and scheming. I always like to paraphrase Shakespeare with his "all the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players." I usually mix in other quotes about masks, which totally kills Shakespeare's original meaning. Even so, I find that we all do wear many masks in our lives. My daughters see my father mask. My friends, my friend mask. And on and on. At work, I am an analyst and my actions show all that that entails. At karate, I am a sensai, and likely given more credit for knowledge than I truly feel. Still, I do have that knowledge, and I can effectively teach people what I know. My actions have more truth than my feelings about my actions. I think we are all like that, to some extent. We are uncertain about some of our actions and we wear a mask. We hide our nervousness or the fact that we are uncomfortable with a mask of competency or assuredness. Funny, I know that I know what I know. And yet, sometimes I feel uncomfortable trying to exp[lain to someone what I know. The mask slips, and my humanity trickles out. So what do you see when you look at me? I am almost certain that it is not the same thing I see when I look in the mirror. If you have a few minutes, write a couple of sentences in the comments. What do you see?
"Don't fear the enemy that attacks you, but the fake friend that hugs you." I could not find who said this little gem, but it is kind of true. I have had more grief thrown my way from a fake friend than I have ever had from an enemy.
In my entire life, I think I have had only one or two fake friends. Oddly enough, one was enough to break up friendships with true friends due to the lies he told. One guy I ran into was being very distant when I ran into him, and when I asked why, he said that the other had said I had been saying bad things about him (I won't go into detail here). So I asked him did he believe that? He said that he did. I said, "well I didn't say that, and I am not going to try and dissuade you since you seem to believe it, but you do realize that I haven't talked to that guy in over a decade?" He got a look of surprise on his face and said really? I said yeah and told him why I never hung out with the other guy anymore. The funny thing was that the guy had told him I said that only a couple of years ago, and only said that he did not hang out with me any more. He didn't say it had been over ten years since he last saw me, and he didn't tell him the real reason on why we no longer hung out. I said, well now you know and walked away. That old memory came to me when I saw that quote. You see, it didn't really matter to me that the guy really didn't want to hang out. I didn't either! I just saw him and said hello. I live in New Hampshire now, and the fact of the matter is I rarely go back to New Jersey. What did bother me was that this other guy, after about a decade, still went out of his way to tell lies about me. I have not thought of that guy in years at that point, even though we had been good friends. And yet, there he was spreading ill will all those years later. My advice: Treat everyone as you would want to be treated. If they don't treat you that way in return, then avoid them. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up with a fake friend. And with a fake friend, you are never sure when they are going to plot against you. The safest thing you can do is keep your private thoughts about others private and not share them with your other friends, unless they are positive comments. By doing this, then people will only have heard you saying positive things about others and they will be less likely to believe something concocted by a fake friend. "Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success." That's a quote by Albert Schweitzer. Albert won a Nobel Peace Price back in 1952. He was both a theologian and a philosopher, which kind of sounds like an interesting combination.
There are lots of ways to define success. In fact, I think if you ask ten people to define success, you are likely to get ten very vague but different answers. My idea of success when I was younger was much different than my idea of success right now. When I was younger, I figured if I had lots of money, a pretty wife a big house and time to party, then I would be extremely successful. Obviously, I wasn't thinking very deeply about things back then! That was when I was in my teens by the way. Going back even further, my definition of success was tied to how well I was doing playing sports and how big I could get my baseball card collection! Nowadays, it is easy for me to see that my ideas of success were flawed. They were flawed because I was not looking past the moment. All of those things, were things I wanted at that moment. Nowhere was there a thought about what was best for my future. Nowadays, I define success by how much time I get to spend with my daughters, and what I can teach them to make their lives easier in the future. Helping them to successfully complete their goals both in the present and for their futures gives me an immeasurable amount of happiness. It helps me to define a part of what I believe it means to be successful. It is not my only definition of success though. I also define success by how much ability I have to accomplish tings that I like to do. My ability to take karate classes two times a week and to help teach two other classes is a sign of my own personal success. My ability to take my daughters different places to allow them to grow and see new things is also a sign of my own success. Almost none of the things that define success to me has to do with material things. My car and my truck are both just tools to me. They get me from point A to point B. My house, is a sort of store of my wealth and a place where I can safely raise my family. The antiques and nice furniture that I own are more vestiges left over from my earlier life, A lot has happened to me over my fifty years on earth. My wife has died in my arms, my father and grandmother have both passed away, and I have both started and lost businesses and jobs. Through all of that, I can still look out my window and at times say that I am happy... and mean it! I think Albert had it right. Happiness is the key to success. If you want to be successful, then you first need to find a way to be happy. You can make millions each year and still feel that you are missing something. Look at Robin Williams or Kurt Cobain. Happiness doesn't come from where you live or what type of car you drive. It comes from inside.After many years, I think I can say that I am finally at peace with myself. And that, after my children, is likely the greatest feeling of success that I have ever felt. "Show me your friends and I will show you who you are.” This seems to be a bastardization of the proverb "Show me your friends and I will show you your future." Either way, the quote hits home.
Friends really do tell a lot about a person. When I was younger, I hung around with a tight-knit group of five guys. We all liked to drink and party. While we all seemed to like each other's company, there always seemed to be some dissension among the group. I have told the story of the troublemaker a couple of times now on this blog, and that is not what this post is about. What it is about is that at that time in my life, I was hanging out with a number of guys who liked to drink heavily, and at that time in my life I was an alcoholic. In fact, I think three of us could have been defined as alcoholics at that time, and the other two were trying hard to catch up. As the quote says, show me your friends... Later on in life, I was hanging out with another group of friends. These guys also drank heavily, and I might describe them as functional alcoholics. They were functional in that they were all holding down high-paying jobs, yet partying hard at the bars two to three nights a week anyway. At this point, I too, was a functional alcoholic. I was making a lot of cash, but I was drinking like a fish... just like them. The funny thing is, as time went on, nearly all of us (from both groups) stopped our heavy drinking. None of us hang out together on a daily basis anymore either. We are spread out from Buffalo, to New Hampshire, Connecticut and New York, all the way down to North Carolina and Florida. Many of us still talk every once in a while. Hell, some of us even get together every once in a while to go fishing together and catch up with what is going on in each other's lives. Even so, while we are friends, we don't hang out with each other on a daily basis anymore. The people I hang out with now on a weekly basis are much different than the people I grew up with. Most of them are black belts, or are working their way towards a black belt. Many of them, similar to me, do not drink at all. None of us went to the same schools growing up. None of us work the same type of job, and yet our belts and the training we undergo together or the training some of our family members may be undergoing with us tie us together. No one is getting high. No one is behaving badly because we have had too much to drink. After 22 years of heavy drinking, I have spent the last seventeen years without a drink. My wife had a lot to do with that. My wife was an alcoholic, and I gave up drinking to help her to get sober. She asked me to help her, oh so many years ago. She could never give it up, though, and she drank herself to death three years and one week ago. Sharon was my best friend... yet I could not help her. Although we divorced, I continued to try and help her until the day she died. So who am I? I am still friends with my heavy-drinking friends from my past who have (for the most part) stopped partying and drinking. We don't hang out regularly anymore, but I know which of them I can trust when the chips are down. At the same time, I spent most of my days from 1999 through 2010 with my wife on a daily basis. She continued to sneak alcohol on a steady basis for the eleven years we lived together. At the same time, I never touched a drop. Now, I socialize with a number of people who don't really party or get blasted. So who am I? To me, In front of all else, I am a father. At the same time, I am an alcoholic who has gotten sober. I hope to remain sober for the rest of my life. I am a black belt... and I am really proud of that. I believe in peace over power, and I try to live my faith. On a daily basis, I hang out with my daughters and my Mom. I speak with my sister nearly every day. I am now, for the most part, a recluse. I go out twice weekly to train at the dojo, and I try to go hiking or do something interesting with my girls as much as possible. Other than that, I have no clue who I am any more. In the past, I identified myself as a basketball player, a football player, a student, a partyer, an analyst, a husband and a father. I will always remain a father... and right now, I am a stock analyst. The sad part is that I no longer identify myself with my profession. A lot of the passion for that business has left me now. So who am I? I know who I think I am. I just have no clue who others think I am. And if they told me, I don't even know if I would be able to recognize myself in their words. Below is one more quote from the book of Proverbs. "Homes are built on the foundation of wisdom and understanding. Where there is knowledge, the rooms are furnished with valuable, beautiful things." In the end, maybe I am a builder. And I hope I am setting a strong foundation for my daughters. "If you do not conquer self, you will be conquered by self." This is a quote by Napoleon Hill. Hill was one of the first self-help gurus and the author of "Think & Grow Rich". I like the quote above because it is true.
One of our harshest critics is ourselves. There are so many reasons that people feel insecure. For some, it is their looks. For others, it may be their intelligence or how they think they are perceived. None of these things really matter though! What matters is what we think. If we think our looks are going to hold us back, then they will. We will make sure of it. If we think we are dumb, then inevitably we will do something to reinforce this feeling within ourselves. I believe, to be happy in life and be successful, no matter what your definition of success is, we need to first conquer our own self doubts. Self doubts can sabotage nearly anything that you want to do, even if the doubts you have are not directly tied to what it is you are trying to achieve! For example, let's say you want to start your own business. You may have a great idea for a business and all of the drive necessary to get it off the ground. Even so, you believe in your heart that people won't want to buy things from you because you are fat. Over time, you begin to focus so much about what people think about your weight, that you fail to focus on how to present your product. You begin to avoid instances where you need to be in front of a potential customer. Eventually, your business fails and you say to yourself, see I told you that you were too fat. Try to lose some weight first next time! So yes, the business failed. Unfortunately, it had nothing to do with you being overweight. Instead it had everything to do with how you acted because of your beliefs. The example I used above is a little far fetched. And yet, it isn't really. Now picture the above scenario and instead replace the "too fat to be successful" example with your own fear. How would your fear impact the result? I hate to speak to people because they will think I am stupid. I don't want to go out and ask people what they think unless my friends are with me because I am too shy. I don't want to help that customer with their problem because I may not be smart enough to give them what they need. As I said, replace the example with your own internal fear. What would happen? How would you react? Does your internal voice stop you from making rational decisions or from taking decisive actions? If so, then you need to conquer yourself first! Remember, that no one is perfect. Robin Williams, a comic that made thousands of people laugh and was well liked by millions, constantly fought depression. Many other Hollywood stars or rock musicians also battled depression. They could not see their own self worth, or what others valued in them. My wife had a similar problem. She constantly battled her inner demons. Because she set such a high standard on her looks, she battled two eating disorders. When they strains from the disorders got too great, she would drink to self medicate. The constant alcohol use took a toll on both her mind and her body. Three years ago, she drank herself to death. The best way to fight your inner demons is to recognize your inner fear, and then do what needs to be done anyway. If someone won't buy from me because they think I am fat, and yet they need the product I have anyway, then that is them not being rational, not me! If I say something, to help someone make a decision and they think I am weird, then so be it! None of those things are going to kill me! How I react to those things, may kill me though. Before you go to conquer the world, first be sure to conquer your own self doubts. It is likely the hardest battle that any of us will ever have to face alone. This quote is quite interesting to me because it is another metaphor- and a really good one; at that. I believe it references how people can universally be looking at the same thing; but everyone will see it differently. In a way, it makes a lot of sense- that everyone would find something different about certain scenarios. Using the stars as an example can only go so far- the stars are countless and it would be crazy if everyone only saw the one same star universally.
I also believe that varied points of view are essential in life. Things can't always be one-sided- different ideas and perspectives give greater insight onto most situations. If everyone saw things the same way and constantly agreed; I could only imagine that life would be boring. There would be no conflict at all- and while some may see this as a good thing; I believe that conflict has a place in the world to make things interesting. People who questioned nothing would essentially just be drones. That being said; I think it is amazing that we as a species are creative enough to all "look at the same stars" and see so many different things. I think our many different perspectives are brilliant; something to be appreciated... not frowned upon. Too many people are sensitive because someone doesn't exactly agree with their opinion. I try not to be like that- I'll hear someone out before giving them my full opinion. It is only when people over-react to change or difference that negative conflict is created. Don't be the cause of negative conflict. -- Maddie Following my dad's theme; I am going to select 2 "deep' questions and give my answers to them. If you'd like, you too can answer them and leave your own response in the comments below. I personally would love to read them.
If you died today, what regrets would you have about your life? Honestly; I try to live without regrets. In my eyes, everything I do is done for a reason. I am a big believer in fate, that everything is set to happen in a certain way and work out in the end. Everything in the world is linked together in some small, weird, or inconsequential way- and due to all these connections; everything has a way of working out in the end. While I'm sure that there are obvious better alternative ending situations to some scenarios... life only happens once; and therefore we can only IMAGINE what the better could have been. There is no guarantee. And since there is no guarantee that any different action would have resulted in a better alternative; I try to not regret my choices. What are the highest and lowest points in your life? I'd say some of the highest points in my life are when I am with my dad. He and I always have very deep and inspirational talks- and he is a very close friend to me on top of being a parental figure. I can always pluck a lesson from our conversations; and he's always there to make me feel better when I'm down without a doubt. He offers good advice and unique perspectives without the bias of not wanting me mad at him. He's honest, with good morals that he constantly tries to teach me and I can't think of enough of a way to thank him for all he does for me. My lowest points in life come in cycles of depression, unfortunately- but I think that occurs in everyone's life. Stars can't shine without darkness and rainbows can't happen without rain, you know? In any case, that wraps up today's post- I hope you enjoyed. - Maddie I read an article earlier today that had all sorts of questions on it. It was titled: Deep Conversation Topics. Many of the questions were very personal and something you would likely not answer truthfully unless you were very comfortable with the person asking you the question. Even so, there were a few soft ball questions that I think anyone would openly answer. Below, I will ask and answer a couple of questions. If you disagree with my answer, then write in and give your point of view. With that said, here we go!
"If you were given an envelope with the time and date of your death inside, would you open it? I thought this was a rather silly question since it could never happen, unless the person was going to murder you right then. Otherwise, there is no way anyone could know for certain. Still, just to pay along with the nonsense, I will give it an honest answer as if it could happen. I would open the envelope. Why? Because I would like to take the week off before my death just to get all my affairs in order so that my daughters wouldn't have to do it, and so that I could spend some extra quality time with them. if it said I was dying young, I would also take out extra insurance so that my daughters would be very well off after I died (ha ha). Moreover, if my death was still a long ways off, I would make sure to start knocking things off my bucket list of things to do before I die a little more quickly. In hindsight, isn't that what we should be doing anyway? Trying to experience life to its fullest before it is too late. While I realize the question is stupid on the surface, it does make you see the error of your ways if you are not living your life to its fullest. In that regard, it was a good question. So what will you do now, to make your life a little more lively before you die? Personally, I am slated to do one of the things I have always wanted to do this summer. I am taking my girls on a cross-country train trip starting in Boston and finishing in San Francisco. I used to be a rail stock analyst and on a number of occasions I went on train trips with the railroads on "track inspection" tours. Usually, these tours were in the southern United States. I always enjoyed them and thought that a trip across the entire country would lead to some great scenery and a pleasant trip. I want my girls to see the country, and not just see cities that they fly to, thus I decided this was a great way to have them see the country, while also fulfilling one of my little dreams too. I am looking forward to the trip, and for the first time in a long time I actually can't wait for the trip to begin! "Who are you really? Who is behind the mask that you show to the rest of the world?" Ah, here is a question that I think everyone really has trouble with. We all wear many masks depending on either who we are with, or where we are, or what we are doing. No, you say? You are always the same. I honestly doubt that. Let me give you some examples. When you are in a church, do you act differently than when you are outside of it? Are you quieter in the church? How do you act in front of your boss compared to how you act with friends that you have known for years? Do you act differently at home then you do when you are out? I think the answers are a resounding Yes! And it's okay! We all need to show restraint at times... it's normal! But, whether it is normal or not, the truth is that some people only know a caricature of our true selves. Sometimes, we even fool ourselves. Here is a perfect example. I am an introvert. At the same time, I can be very sociable. When I was younger, I was afraid that people would think I was strange and a loner if I was too quiet. Thus, I forced myself to go talk to people and try to make them laugh. I did this so much, that most people, including my oldest daughter, think I am an extrovert. And, to look at it from their point of view, I certainly do look like an extrovert... when I am out in public. When I am home, I am happiest just being around my family. I can stay in the house for days on end without ever feeling the need to go out. In fact, I am happy to just let the phone ring sometimes and not answer it. Certainly not the actions of an extrovert! So what is behind your mask? I am an introvert. I am very observant and I am a thinker. In fact, sometimes I likely overthink things. By trade I am a stock analyst. It is a great profession for me because I like to think logically, and look at how things are related. I analyze everything in my life and the environment around me. Analyzing a stock is just an extension of my personality really. When I was younger, I would jokingly tell people I am an opinionated guy and people pay me for my opinion. That line always got a good chuckle, but after a few years, I began to realize that the statement was entirely true. So what other masks do I wear? Father, son, sensei analyst, friend, worker and friendly person. I wear them all interchangeably. With some people, I am like Janus, and they get to see me with more than one mask. With others, I am opaque, and they really have no sense of who I truly am. With myself? I am a bit of a mystery. I see the many masks that I put on, and while I hope I know the true face that is underneath, sometimes I even surprise myself with what is really inside. Last one: "What is holding you back from being the person you truly want to be?" Oh, the answer to this one is easy really. On the surface at least. What is holding me back? Fear. Not a physical fear and not a fear in all aspects of my life, but fear is the answer anyway. Fear of how I will be perceived by others, and particularly the ones I love. I try not to let the fear stop me from being who I am, but every once in a while, something will come out of nowhere and make me think about something in my life. Here is a recent example. This may get a little lengthy because I think I need to explain a little about my past and my present. In the past, I worked as a stock analyst in New York for a number of different firms. Oftentimes I had to wear expensive suits because I would be meeting with management teams or other analysts and I was expected to look successful at all times. For about twenty years, I had to wear suits fairly regularly, although not every day. When I started my own business, I did not have to wear suits often since a lot of my work was done at home on the computer. I began to dress comfortably, which to me, means in a jeans and a Tee shirt. One social worker who was working with me and Sharon noted that I was always in jeans and a tee and pointed out to me that it was like my uniform. When I said that I could wear whatever I liked, she said yes, and yet you choose to wear jeans and a Tee shirt... at least every time that I see you. She said: "in your mind you see the very casual dress as a badge of your success. You no longer dress up to impress people. Instead you dress down and you like to leave people wondering how is it you can do what you like, even though you dress worse than they do." I thought about what she said for a long time. And I think she was partially right. I think she was partially right because I do wear my tee shirt and jeans as a kind of uniform. It is a uniform that reminds me that I control my own destiny. I never really thought about what others were thinking about me, but what I was thinking to myself that I was free to dress as I wanted. Well the other day, I was speaking with my daughter and she told me that the car I drove rather finished off my white trash persona. Now, I never thought that I put off a "white trash" persona, but I guess to my daughter and her friends I do. Tee shirts and jeans somehow must be frowned upon nowadays. I really think that no one who takes a moment to speak with me thinks that I am white trash. I do drive an old clunky car. It was my wife's car when she died, and I started driving it. I am not ready to get rid of it yet, so whether it is a rust bucket or not, I will be driving it for a while. My truck is also older. It is a 1992, to be honest. Up until last year, it was my plow truck only, and never came off of the property. Now, I occasionally drive it around. Oddly enough, I have always driven used cars. They do not lose 20% of their value the minute you drive them off the lot, and I can usually pay cash for them. One rule of thumb that I have is to never borrow money on a depreciating asset. If that makes me white trash, then so be it. I guess I would rather be considered white trash than to borrow money to buy a new car that will lose value the minute I drive it off of the lot. I am totally debt free. No car loan, no student loan debt, no mortgage and no credit card debt. There are very few in this country that can say that. I have worked hard for everything that I have and I don't feel the need to show it off. If it makes someone feel good to have a new car, that's great. They can have it. For me, a car is a tool. It gets me from point A to point B. It says nothing about my personality, whether it is white, red, or even pink. I don't care whether it is a Ford or a Chevy, an Isuzu, or a Honda. I just care whether or not it is reliable for what I need it for. I leave keeping up with the Jones' for others to play. In the end, I am who I have wanted to be... a good father and a collector of memories and small moments. When I die, the old Blazer or pick up truck will not be coming with me. Hopefully, my memories will. If not, at a minimum I will be happy if I can leave some happy memories for my daughters. And when they think of me, they will look past the tee shirt and the jeans and see me for who I really am, and not just as their caricature of white trash. The fear is there, though. Recently, it has been brought to my attention that the people we call "heroes"
Are in fact, some of the lowliest people you will meet And it blows my mind that we look up to people For little to no reason without actually knowing them They fill a role and therefore we glorify them without reason. The people I am talking about are none other Than our own military The troops we revere and stand by so frequently Looking up to their "bravery" and everything else they tend to be embellished with And we fail to see that some troops are the most twisted people you would ever meet. Now I have a friend who's boyfriend is in the military And I can tell you from speaking to him that he's an honorable guy And honestly I'm happy that she's found someone stable who cares about her But the horror stories she hears from him about his unit Truly make me question the integrity and morals of soldiers in general. Now I know well that not all soldiers are like this And maybe there's a chance my friend's boyfriend is with a really bad unit But to me; the actions of the soldiers within his unit are representative of what most are probably like Let's get into what I'm talking about I'm talking about one hero cheating on his wife. Another hero cheating on his girlfriend. Another hero cheating on his girlfriend while simultaneously sleeping with a married woman with a child. That doesn't sound very heroic, now does it? But this is who we look to to defend our country Those so untrustworthy that they cannot hold their own relationships together But no They are brave They defend our country They have all the morals in the world ... Or do they. We need to stop glorifying people for their occupation choice And more for who they actually are Anyone can become a soldier if they put their mind to it But not everyone can be a good person when they think no one is watching. -- Maddie Who am I? Who am I?
It's something I can ask myself all day I fit into so many contradicting categories Because I cannot just choose one way That would be silly, I'm constantly changing! In life, we are expected to make choices- Good and bad, black and white Which side are you on, what are your preferences There is no shade of grey, no purgatory between heaven and hell on Earth. I suppose I can't wear black and appreciate flowers, Because I don't dress the part I look harsh; therefore I am taken as harsh I cannot appreciate simple things. Fighting is not looked upon as an art. But on the other hand~ I can't dress in flowing dresses, and be able to defend myself I cannot get a tattoo and dress classy at the same time For they are two separate categories And I am expected to choose I am 14, and of course all these decisions likely seem silly Unimportant, because I am so young But even this young, in today's society I am expected to choose a category A category that has been branded by my own generation Am I a hipster, a hippy, an emo, a goth, a punk, a nerd Where do I fit? Do I like heavy metal or techno, or maybe rap, or pop, or classical? Do I prefer leather to lace, or do I like soft cotton? Stilettos, combat boots, sandals or sneakers Jeans or skirts Dresses or band tees In today's world, no trends can coincide You choose your style, and your preferences are supposed to fall into line Because no one expects someone with neon hair and a lip ring to sit in a music hall listening to symphonies Or you choose your preferences, and your style is assigned... because what metalhead would wear conservative and prude clothing Society has set expectations for preference and it bothers me Because now I'm confused I like so many things that seem to contradict the presets of society And I don't know where I belong So I drift where my personality takes me It just makes me feel odd Knowing that some will look at the length of my eyeliner And place me into one category Whereas others may see my tee-shirts and place me in another When I belong to no true category And only those who take the time to speak to me And get past whatever appearance I happen to take on any given day Will know who I really am. I know this post was disjointed and weird... but this is just a collection of my thoughts structured in a different way. It's late and I'm tired; and this is just what came out naturally. It's not really a poem; but not entirely a post either. You decide. Make what you will of it. My point is simple: appearance shouldn't define you and societies norms shouldn't shove you into preferences. Don't be mainstream. Think for yourself. Break the mold. -- Maddie My dad's post from earlier today really sparked some thoughts up in me- which I'm sure he's glad to hear, seeing as he has told me numerous times that the reason he writes is to trigger thought and to leave his memories, thoughts, lessons, and guidance for my sister and I when we get older (and now as well). I'm sure that out of all his blogs, he never thought that one he thinks is a "tangent" would inspire me.
My dad wrote about being a "type A" personality; or someone who is outgoing etc. However, he said that this is merely what people see him as. He's actually an introvert; thoughtful and peaceful. Now, in my opinion- who better to give her thoughts on who her dad is than me, his daughter, am I right? Well, probably not. I'd put my own opinion behind that of Aunt Michelle (my dad's sister and my amazing aunt) or maybe even dad's mom (my awesome grandma). But without further ado; I'd like to give my own thoughts about my dad... and don't you worry about the post title; I'll get to that, too. My Dad I'm sure most fathers would be both frightened and intrigued by their teenage daughter's thoughts of them- and perhaps my dad is no different. Fear not, Dad- you're doing an awesome job and I don't have too many complaints about you at all. Plus; this is more of an in-depth characterization of you than anything else. Despite our numerous deep talks about the subject; I cannot help but see you as the extrovert you claim to be so wrongly labeled. When we're out in public, you constantly talk to others and you have absolutely no trouble in social situations, even if you know no one throughout. You can always hold a long and smooth conversation about essentially anything, and you never seem awkward. However; I've also seen the introvert side of you- the side that loves to think deeply and write your thoughts out online; where they can be read smoothly by anyone without coming off as weird. But allow me to ask you this- if everyone sees you as an extrovert, even your own daughter... and you possess most of the qualities of an extrovert... then wouldn't that simply make you an extrovert who loves to think deeply? Everyone tends to be an introvert when they're alone; and no one would come out and say they just love talking to random strangers. That's just weird. In all, dad, regardless of what you tell me- I truly believe you're an extrovert! Maybe you were an introvert at some point; but if you act like something for so long, you do tend to become it. Maybe you're failing to acknowledge the fact that you transformed into an extrovert. But that's enough about my dad. Let's talk about me. I myself am extremely introverted. I hate crowds, I hate people, I hate social situations where I need to speak and interact with others, and if you asked me to do any form of public speaking, I'd probably respond by crying. I do everything I can to avoid talking to others; even if it's a person I don't know and will likely never see again. However, some of this may be attributed to the fact that on some occasions if I feel too overwhelmed with people; I shut down and begin to have anxiety attacks. These aren't too frequent; which is a good thing- the last one happened last weekend while out shopping with my family and prior to that, I hadn't had one for months... at least, not one to that severity. My throat closes, I have trouble breathing, I get dizzy and light-headed and usually end up crying for no reason. It's extremely silly and immature-looking, hence why I've worked so hard to not have them frequently by learning to pace my breathing and shut out a lot of people when I'm in public. Despite this, some of my friends may still tell you I'm an extrovert. Remember what I was saying earlier; how alone, we all are introverts? Well, when I'm *alone* (as in, out in public without friends) I tend to be extremely shy. When I'm WITH my friends... well, I feed off their energy! I feel free, like I can't be judged when I'm with them, and it empowers me to be a LOT more spontaneous. That, in my opinion, is a sign that I have amazing friends... so thank you all. Now, I need some sleep tonight... if you have any thoughts to add, by all mean drop me a comment below. Good night and good vibes. -- Maddie "Mellow doesn't always make for a good story, but it makes for a good life." That's a quote by Anne Hathaway. Is she mellow? I don't really know. I never took her as such, but then again, the only film I remember seeing her in was Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland. Still, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and let her call herself mellow. In either case, I like her quote, and when I found it, I smiled when I saw it came from her since it was totally unexpected.
You see, I had googled "mellow quotes" and I was expecting quotes with a hint of hippy... you know like Janis Joplin, or maybe quotes from a member of the Byrds, Donovan, or the Grateful Dead. Instead, I got Anne Hathaway. I like the quote and I think I know where she is coming from though. She likely is mellow. As I have said before, perception is not always reality. I'll give you a good example from personal experience. I am an introvert and actually quite mellow. Even so, you will hardly find any of my friends who would tell you that I was either mellow or introverted! Many of my friends, particularly the ones that I have known the longest, think of me as a type "A" personality who is aggressive and extroverted. I guess part of the confusion is due to my actions. When I am out around people, I go out of my way to be sociable, because I don't want people to think I am weird. I saw too many movies growing up, where the shy kid was either picked on or thought strange. I never wanted to be thought strange, so I always make sure to keep up my end of a conversation. If there is no conversation, I go out of my way to start one. As for being aggressive, that part is actually true. I grew up playing sports, and I know that if you want to win, you need to both out-think your opponent and out play him. I always liked to win rather than lose, so I always played hard. Those lessons followed me into the business world, and into the dojo, so I guess you can say that I am a mellow guy who also happens to be aggressive. In the end, I see myself as mellow because I would rather sit down and relax than constantly be on the go. I believe in live and let live, and I would rather be peaceful than sarcastic. On occasion, I look at zoosk.com to see if there are any women in my area that I might like to get to know or date. Many times, the women say that they are sarcastic... as if that is a good thing. The moment I see that listed as one of their virtues, I know that they are likely not for me. While I don't mind a little playful sarcasm, I want to see it develop over time... not be told to expect it. We all have expectations about who our perfect match will be or won't be. For me, anyone who puts down that they are sarcastic, or really busy but will make time for the right person is not for me. When I was younger, sarcasm was a way of life. Now that I am older, I find that giving people the zing or digging for their weaknesses is not how I want to be. I don't want to feel I have to be on my guard, or watch what I do so that I don't get zinged. In that regard, I am very mellow. I like peaceful relationships between me and my friends. Life is just too short to always be on your guard. For now, I am content to sit at home and relax after work, or go to the dojo for a workout. I do not go out of my way to hurt anyone either physically or mentally. My dojo teaches peace over power, and I have tried to live that lifestyle. So am I mellow? You tell me. I think I am. But nowadays I have few people to really compare myself to in that regard. In the end, I believe that being mellow does lead to a very good life. This quote is possibly one of the best I have come across in a long while... and recently; I've come to find more appreciation for it. As I've been slowly getting older (odd to be hearing from a 14 year old, but hey, we age too) I've been finding more and more reasons why silence is better than talking, and that isolation can sometimes be a lot better than being social. For one, my house is constantly noisy due to my little sister being young; so any moment of pure silence and relaxation is much appreciated. My house in general is loud- my family do not hesitate to make noise; be it with loud music, cooking, cleaning, yelling, talking, phone calls, or anything else.
-side note- The quietest times for me are often in the very early morning, before anyone else is awake. I usually make myself a cup of tea and watch the sun rise; before doing a little work and then resting on the couch. - In any case; that was NOT the point of this post! What I'd like to point out is the fact that too many people open their mouth to spread hate, negativity, and worry nowadays. I hear it and see it almost everywhere; online and in reality, and it sucks. In my opinion, life is too short and life after death isn't guaranteed. We were all placed on this one planet to get along and coincide; and instead, we go to war with each other. We're so desperate to learn about the life on other planets; when we can't even accept those of our own kind who are slightly different. It's ridiculous how hateful we, as humans, can be towards each other and it's really un-necessary. This being said, I think all of us can do with a bit of silence for once. We become so angry, so willing to antagonize others in the heat of the moment, and it's awful. So I have a challenge for my readers; as a way to calm down and be happier. This challenge may be a bit big, but I want you to try and at the end of next week, leave me a comment telling me about your experience. Here goes! I wants you to: - take at least one relaxing, long bath. - make yourself a cup of green tea every morning. - find 30 minutes every day to sit and meditate. - take at least 15 minutes every day outside in a secluded area, enjoying nature. - refrain from saying negative things to others. - if angered, take deep breaths until calm. - don't speak unless what you are about to say has some sense of positivity in it. There's too much hate in the world. Let's beat it back a little. Good luck, good night, and treasure the silence. - Maddie "We can change what we do, but not who we are." That is a quote from me! Well, I thought it was mine, but it seems two others have thought about it before. At least I found two other references to that quote on the internet. One was on a review to a Kanye West album on some obscure rap website and the other was by a Presbyterian minister on his local website in Jackson Mississippi. An no, I had never read either website before. So it is a quote by me, that happened to be used by two other people but on different subjects. I doubt you would be able to find Wikipedia articles on any of us, so don't bother trying.
If any of you have the time, feel free to put up a Wikipedia piece on me... just try to keep it accurate. That thought kind of reminds me of the movie Full Metal Jacket. There is a scene in that movie where a soldier is being interviewed by a TV reporter and he says that he joined the army because he wanted to be the first boy on his block with a confirmed kill. What craziness. Well, I guess I want to be the first person on my block with a confirmed Wikipedia listing! Anyway, it was after thinking about my last post that made me think about the above quote. When I was younger, I drank heavily and liked to "party". A lot of what I did revolved around drinking, getting a buzz and hanging around places where other people were doing the same thing. Travelling to a city I really knew nothing about to party with people I didn't know seemed exciting... not stupid. Nowadays, when I go to a new city (and its not for business), I am looking for interesting things to visit, and if i meet interesting people along the way, all the better. I am not looking to meet drunks, or partiers though. Instead, I want to meet people with interesting stories or interesting knowledge that they can share. I guess I am the same. Even back when I was just looking to get a buzz, I wanted to be surrounded by interesting people. I wanted to learn new things and get a buzz while doing it. Now, I still want to meet interesting people and learn new things... I have grown, though, and no longer need to chase a buzz to enjoy these different things. The more I look back, the more I see that my drinking was more of a way to break away from the every day and push the frontiers of my mind. Unfortunately, I got trapped into that lifestyle and IT became my regular way of spending the weekend, or an off night etc. With age comes wisdom. For those of us who learned, we still enjoy each other's company, but alcohol and other substances play no part in our lives. For others, my wife, my cousin, my good friend Tommy, they never learned that the substance wasn't necessary... and it killed them. Addiction is a horrible condition and the best way to beat it is to not start testing it. Although there are not a lot of things that I regret about my life, the few that I do, in one way or another inevitably involve alcohol. On the one hand, I have many good friends who I first met while partying and became friends with after we went partying. I have no regrets about meeting these people and adding them to my life. I do regret that I could not do those things back then without the alcohol to make it easier. In essence, I have changed what I do, but I remain who I am. I still find the same things funny, or interesting, I still have the same kinds of thoughts and I still like to do the same things. I am now just able to do them easily, no even easier, without alcohol. I still like to go see bands, walk a quiet trail and go to places I have not been before. Shop for antiques and have quiet, deep conversations. I do them sober now and share them with my daughters. I have changed, yet I am who I am! Who would have thunk it! "No one saves us but ourselves. No one can, and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path." This is a quote from one of my favorites...Buddha. There is not much I can say about Buddha, other than he was a very wise man. Oddly enough, there are no known writings of Buddha. Everything we know about him was written down after his death. In fact, it was about 400 years before anyone had put anything to paper. Given that's the case, I think many of his sayings could be made by his acolytes as well and then just attributed to Buddha. At any rate, it is very hard to tell. What can be told is that he is the spiritual leader of his own religion.
To get back to the quote, the first line really stands out to me. I have seen this one in action both in regards to me, and my wife, among others. No one can save you unless you want to be saved. When I first met my wife, we dated for about two weeks before she told me she was an alcoholic. At that point, she asked me for help in stopping. The problem was, she didn't really want to stop. She was using the alcohol to self medicate herself from some of her other anxieties and addictions. My wife had addictive personality disorder. She struggled with anorexia, binge eating, compulsive buying, hoarding, jealousy, gambling and other behaviors. It was both sad and scary. We did not know that all of these behaviors were tied together. We tried to battle the alcoholism and the anorexia, and I always found it a good sign when she ate heartily (it wasn't). It oftentimes led to binge eating when I wasn't around, and eventually to depression as she gained weight. This inevitably led back to drinking as she tried to regulate her mood or her appetite with the booze. I could not save her... although I naively tried. I didn't know the extent of her problems and I did not know or believe that she had to do it on her own. I swept the house for bottles, took her to doctors and psychologists, social workers and AA meetings. Nothing worked. I was often told that she had to hit bottom to be helped. That is a large crock of bull. The bottom for my wife was when she died. By that time she had lost her husband, her family, and her happiness. No one saves us but ourselves... it is so true. But don't be afraid to be there for someone and to bring them to people and places where they may be able to learn how to save themselves. It is one thing to have to save yourself... but it might be impossible to do if you are never given hints on how to do it. When my wife (then my girlfriend) asked me to help her to stop drinking back in August of 1999, she helped me to save myself. You see, I too was an active alcoholic at that time. I was functional, and more of a heavy binge drinker (weekends mainly), but I had been drinking fairly regularly since my preteens and I put myself into AA when I was nineteen while in college. I was sober on my 21st birthday, but eventually went back to drinking because I felt my social life was suffering without the drinking. I was bored with drinking by the time I was 33, but doing it anyway. I was looking for a reason to stop, and Sharon inadvertently gave me that reason. I have not had a drop of alcohol in nearly seventeen years. And with God's help, I will not have any for the rest of my life. In the end, although I could not save my wife, I ended up saving myself by trying to help her. Sadly, I feel that back then I did not care enough about myself to save myself, but because I cared so much for her, I saved myself to help make it easier to save her. I didn't realize back then that that is what I was doing. I don't think Sharon ever realized it. Since, as Buddha says, "No one can save us but ourselves", maybe it is a good idea if we are having trouble saving ourselves to find something or someone we value more than ourselves to save... as long as in saving it/them we have to save ourselves as well. I know it sounds odd. But it seems to have saved me seventeen years ago. Possibly, if I had suggested that idea to my wife back then, it might have saved her as well. I don't know. And I don't think I ever will know. All I can say is that I am here now. I somehow saved myself way back then. And with the grace of God I will continue to do so... One day at a time. |
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