"And so castles made of sand, slips into the sea...eventually." That is a quote from the incomparable Jimi Hendrix. If you don't know Jimi. you just haven't lived! His songs are haunting, and stay with you for decades. At least they did with me.
When I chose the above lyric to write about tonight, I was thinking of my wife, and how her life just slipped away like a sand castle built too close to the water at the shore. But that is not what that lyric is about. If you listen to the song (Here is a link), I think he is implying that all life is transitory and that all dreams come to an end, no matter how strong a foundation they may have. In fact, all three stanzas of the song speak of broken dreams. The first two are tragic, a love that falls apart leaving a man shattered in the street, and a young boys dream ending the night before its achievement due to his unexpected death. It's only in the final stanza where the girl's dream is broken, but the outcome is for the good. What good is a solid foundation for our hopes and dreams, if it can all be taken away from us at any moment? Jimi never touches on the why of the destroyed dreams...what caused the relationship to crumble or what caused the sneak attack that took the young boy's life. Instead, he just focuses on that it happened...and that it CAN happen to any of us. How would you respond if your entire life was suddenly turned upside down? What would you choose to protect? What would you let go? How would you decide? Or, here's another question: How would your family respond if you died suddenly? Would they survive? What would they do? Or not do? I can tell you what I'd do for the first part. You see, it happened to me. I let it all go and tried to protect my daughters as best as I could. I fought the waves crashing into the foundation of my castle and shored up the defenses. Between the crashing waves, I trained in karate to forget for an hour each day all the troubles that were plaguing me. I took every step I could to shelter my daughters from the storm, and I came within inches of going bankrupt. I fought the storm until all of my hope was lost... and it was at that point, while I kept pushing on, that light finally appeared at the end of the tunnel. I know now that our lives are like castles made of sand. No matter how strongly we think we are grounded to reality. It only takes an errant wave to start our castle crumbling. Things have gotten a bit better lately. The tide has receded a bit. But I don't fool myself. Nothing is permanent. Each day, I make sure to hug my daughters, and tell them how much I love them. I try to have a smile for everyone. A joke or two for some, and wise words for others. While I tend to work hard, I try to set aside time for what is really important too. It is hard though, work has always been an interesting and fun part of my life. Still, I love to spend time with my daughters, or a few minutes with my Mom to enjoy a cup of coffee. Lastly, I look for a little alone time so that I can catch up on reading and write these blog posts. I like to look at my woods and know that I can walk out my door and enjoy solitude within fifty feet of my house. I think back on holding my wife while she lie dying in my arms. I held her for six hours. Words failed me. I tried to let her know that I was there for her, that she wouldn't die alone, but the words, I felt, were hollow. I wasn't dying with her, and in the end, we all die alone whether someone is there or not. I hope that she knew she wasn't alone. I hope she knew I was there for her, and that since the time we had started dating I had always tried to be there for her. My heart breaks thinking about her..about my inability to help her. Sharon died two years ago, and yet her castle is still washing out to sea. Some of her things are still out in the garage. I have been trying to sell them and/or bring them to good will, but it takes time and energy. The emotional toll is high. At times I feel my castle walls start flowing out to sea as well, and I know that I have to step back again and focus on other things. There are a lot of good things. I just have to look. I can't just wash away. I need to be a strong foundation rock for my daughters' lives. Because castles made of sand, fall into the sea...eventually.
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