Today I am going to talk about the Circus. We are going to the Circus in April! The family is coming:
Daddy, Maddie, me, and Neema. We are going to eat cotton candy, hot dogs, and popcorn. I can't wait! I am so excited. We will see animals, clowns, and high - wire acts. Ashleigh
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I have somebody that I love, love, love, love. Can you guess who it is? Yes, It's Neema!
I love helping Neema. I help Neema with the clothes, taking them out of the washing machine.I also spin the salad spinner. I also help keep the kitchen clean. Ashleigh My Daddy is turning 50 today. I try to look my best. I love, love, love, my Daddy! Tonight
we are going to play Pie In the Face! Ashleigh Daddy's birthday is coming up next week. My Daddy is going to be 50 years old. Guess
where we are going? we are going to Texas Roadhouse! Happy Birthday Daddy! Ashleigh Christmas is my favorite holiday. Santa gives me lots of gifts. We dress up for the holidays. We also bake cookies. My favorite are the gingerbread men.
Ashleigh
Neema is my grandmother, and I love her very much. She is 77 years old. Neema plays
games with me, rests with me, and watches movies with me. She helps to teach me math and reads to me too. She likes to color with me also! Ashleigh I am currently sitting in a Texas Roadhouse steakhouse, and I'm bored... So I figured, why not write a blog post! We have a 25 minute wait before we get seats, since apparently everyone went out to Christmas shop and get a nice dinner after today.
We spent most of the day at the Mall at Whitney Field, doing out Christmas shopping. I've been quite reclusive about gifts this year, and my dad needed ideas for me. So; I dragged him through Sears, Burlington Coat Factory, Spencer's and Hot Topic. I ended up running into two of my friends unexpectedly, and I walked around with my best friend for a majority of the day. We had a good time trying on clothes together and giving each other style advice. At the end of the day, she found me an awesome pair of shoes and I found her a dress that looked stunning on her. Now... I don't know what to write. I had a great day out with my family, though. It's rare we get to go out and spend quality time together; and today was a day we could. It was fun and hopefully the soon-coming meal will finish it nicely. Peace out. - Maddie "Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye." H. Jackson Brown said that. If you ever wonder where I find all of these neat quotes. I get them Here: www.brainyquote.com. Although you can find quotes all over the web, I find this site has a nice selection and is easy to search through. You can search by topic or by author. I usually search by topic.
For today's quote, I used love as the topic. Why? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like the topics I choose are a little too somber or serious. Originally, I was looking for something humorous or light, but then I found the above quote. I thought about this quote for a little while before I decided to write about it...trying to figure out whether or not it was true. I think that it may be true. My wife was a beautiful woman and many people would think that with her problems, I likely chose her for her looks. This wasn't the case though. You see, my wife was married when I first met her, and I just saw her as one of the secretaries around the office. I lived along the shore in New Jersey when I was younger and a number of the guys from the office had chipped in and got a beach house in Long Branch. Given that I lived only 20 minutes from their house, I hung out with them all the time. One weekend, we were throwing a party at their house and many of the secretaries around the office were coming. Sharon knew about the party, but she hadn't been invited. I felt a little bad about that and invited her to come, telling her to bring whoever she wanted (meaning her husband was invited also). I did not expect her to come, but I wanted her to feel like she was part of the office anyway even if she couldn't make it. What I didn't know at that point was that her husband had died a few months before. I was really surprised when she showed up at the party that weekend around 9:30 in the evening. She had brought another one of the secretaries from Merrill, along with an Indian guy. When the guy went to get drinks for the ladies I casually said to her, oh, I didn't know your husband was Indian. She laughed and said he wasn't, her husband had died a few months back. I had never known. Well, one thing led to another, and we started dating that night. Still it wasn't a case of love at first site. I liked Sharon and realized she was very pretty, but I didn't fall in love with her until a couple weeks later once she read me her poetry. The raw power and emotion in her poetry spoke to me. The fact that she was willing to share it with me also made me feel a great attachment to her. I fell in love. About three weeks after that, she moved in with me. We were married six months later. Her poetry spoke to me, and my heart realized that I loved the beautiful girl who was reciting it to me. Sometimes our hearts do know what is invisible to the eye. I did know of Sharon's drinking problem before we got married. I married her anyway, figuring we would beat it together. It didn't work out that way. Sharon was ten years younger than me. I always figured it would be her holding me while I lay dying...when we were both old and grey. Instead, I held her as her life ebbed away while we were both young enough not to have too many grey hairs yet (I had many more than her). Sometimes the heart can see what is invisible to the eye. Other times, love is blind. My love was blind to the severity of the problems Sharon had, but my heart could see the beauty within her soul. My two daughters remind me of her daily. A look, a turn of the word, their talents, all remind me of Sharon. What my eyes don't consciously see, my heart knows. Well, so much for having a humorous post. Maybe tomorrow. This is a part of a quote someone wrote about an acid trip they had been on. Although I wasn't really interested in his trip, the above phrase really stuck out at me. At first, I thought the answer to the implied question was easy. Words were a form of communication, while silence was, well, really quiet! But then I started thinking about it. Sometimes silence can convey as much meaning as words. I started thinking about the last hours of my wife's life. She was dying in the hospital and was in an induced coma. She could hear what was going on around her at times, I knew, because I saw her react to things that I said, and actually try to open her eyes when my daughter came to visit her. There was so much I wanted to say to her as she lay there dying...but I didn't. I held her for six hours, yet I didn't say more than a few words to her. I held her in my arms until she died. I was afraid to say too much to her because I did not want to wake her up enough so that she knew what was happening to her. I didn't want her to know that my heart was breaking, that Maddie and Ashleigh were now going to grow up without a mother, or even that her parents had already left to go back to England. I did want her to know four things though, that I told her within the first few minutes of my vigil. My promises to her and my love for her. After that, there was over five hours of silence between us. Yet in that time, communication still occurred. I held her as lovingly as you can, while one is in a hospital bed, and the other is just kneeling on a chair next to the bed. I put my arm around her shoulders and let her head rest between the pillow and my shoulder. I tried not to move too much, because I did not want to jostle her out of unconsciousness. After three hours, I needed to pee badly. But I still did not move, because I thought she could go at any moment. You see, no one had told me that when you took someone off of a ventilator, they could live for hours. I hope that she somehow knew I was embracing her and that I wasn't going to let her die alone. I truly want to believe that at some point, she knew I was there with her. Words can sometimes fail us...but an embrace cannot be faked. At least not for six hours anyway. The whole time I held my wife, her eyes were closed, as if she was sleeping peacefully. The violence of her breathing belied the reality behind that picture though. When my wife finally passed away, I gave her a kiss and got up to go. I couldn't really walk yet because my legs had been in one position for too long. Instead, I stood there and answered a question the nurse asked me from across at the nurses station. I only looked towards the door for a moment, but when I looked back, Sharon's eyes were open. Now I know that muscles relax with death, and that it was an involuntary reaction. Yet her eyes seemed to be looking right at me. Were they accusing me? Were they thanking me? I don't know. My wife was already dead. I like to think that God was giving her one last look at me, before she began the long wait to see me again in heaven. The silence in the room was palpable. I mumbled "good bye my love", feeling a great well of sadness that never really goes away, and I then went out of the room. Sometimes, silence is the only way to convey a thought or action. Other times it is not. When Maddie was young, I sang to her often. Nowadays, I sing to Ashleigh. And she sings back to me. Maddie has outgrown my singing for the most part. Every once in a while, I will sing the song I made up for her to her anyway. I have made up very similar songs for both of my girls. I have also combined them to make one song to convey my feeling for both of them. The songs allow me to convey my love for my girls in a fun way without being smothering. I sing them to myself sometimes as I think back on little things I have done with one girl or the other in the past. Ashleigh gets a song nearly every time we go to karate alone together. The words, in this instance convey the message. It's a message that I never want them to forget. My daughters are growing up fast now. And I am growing older. In less than a decade, my eldest daughter will be leaving my home to start her own family. That is the reality of life. And yet I will continue to sing my Maddie song. As I did last night, and again today. I sing it to myself...or the Ashleigh song, when my spirits need a lift. Sometimes I sing it out loud, but usually in my head. I hope I have sung it enough so that somewhere in the back of their minds, they will remember them. Remember it, and recognize it. So one day, when they are well into their nineties, (at least) hopefully, they will recognize that song and not be afraid as they follow it back to its source in heaven where I will be singing it to welcome them home, and our family can be together again for eternity. The Maddie Song
M-A-D-I-S-O-N Daddy loves Maddie Madison And who's my good girl Mad-i-son? Daddy loves Maddie Madison. Daddy loves Maddie, Daddy loves Maddie. Daddy loves Maddie Madison! And who's my good girl Madison? Daddy loves Maddie Madison And who's my good girl Mad-i-son? Daddy loves Maddie Madison. Daddy loves Maddie, Daddy loves Maddie. Daddy loves Maddie Madison! The Ashleigh Song Who's my good girl, Ash-e-leigh? Daddy loves little Ashleigh. And who's my good girl Ash-e-leigh? Daddy loves big girl Ashleigh! Ash-e-leigh Ash-e-leigh! Daddy loves Ashleigh, Daddy loves Ashleigh, Daddy loves big girl Ash-e-leigh! And who's my good girl Ash-e-leigh? Daddy loves big girl Ashleigh! Ash-e-leigh Ash-e-leigh! Daddy loves Ashleigh, Daddy loves Ashleigh, Daddy loves big girl Ash-e-leigh! The Sisters Song (this is Ashleigh's favorite) Who's my good girl Madison? Daddy loves Maddie Madison. And who's my good girl Ash-e-leigh? Daddy loves little Ashleigh. Mad-i-son! Ash-e-leigh! Daddy loves Maddie! And Daddy loves Ashleigh! Daddy loves both his little girls! And who's my good girl Ash-e-leigh? Daddy loves big girl Ashleigh! And who's my good girl Madison? Daddy loves Maddie Madison! Ash-e-leigh! Mad-i-son! Daddy loves Ashleigh! And Daddy loves Maddie! Daddy loves both his little girls! Once again, blogging late. I hear my grandmother on the stairs as I type this. She's coming down to tell me to get to bed. Most nights, I see this as a nuisance. I mean, I'm 14. I can stay up later than she can. It's not as though I have school tomorrow or anything, anyway. Most nights, I would yell, bitch, moan and carry on. But not tonight. Tonight... I can appreciate my grandma coming downstairs at 2:00 AM. Getting out of bed, disturbing HER sleep, just to make sure I get some. Every morning, she's up at the crack of dawn to cook breakfast for all of us, clean, and make sure a load of laundry (often karate clothing) gets put on and finished.
After my dad's influential post from earlier... I have realized the importance of time. Of not wasting all the time you're given pissed off at those around you... those who are your family, those you LIVE WITH and those who love you dearly. I don't take enough time during my day to appreciate my grandmother, and to thank her for all she has done and all she does do for our family. So I guess... let this post be that. Grandma, thank you... For the important lessons of kindness, compassion and religion For being there for late-night chats For the female advice For the financial stability you provide for the family For the cooking, cleaning and housework you take upon yourself to keep our house presentable For helping to give my sister a proper upbringing For leaving where you spent most of your life to come live in a completely different world here in NH For teaching me how to be a strong, independent woman with the lessons of cooking, cleaning, housework... and morals For the long drives For the days out and the time spent together For everything 💕 Thank you. ~Maddie Thanksgiving is coming up in the next few weeks. Halloween is still my favorite Fall holiday.
Christmas is my favorite holiday over all, though. We usually eat turkey on Thanksgiving, followed by pie and ice cream. I give thanks for my family on Thanksgiving. Ashleigh My father is a great Dad. I call him Daddy. Daddy likes to play with me a lot! We also watch lots of movies together. Each morning, I give him a big hug! I love Daddy very much! We sing lots of
songs together too! Ashleigh Hugs- something so basic and over-looked. Today, I think I realized their true importance and how much they can mean to you or someone else without meaning it. This morning, Dad and I had a rather pointless argument that ended in me being a complete witch and saying "no" to hugging him. Now this to the reader may not seem like a lot but... every morning since the day I have been born, I've given my dad a morning and good night hug. It's our tradition. We do it because we know the value of life... how short it is and how each day can be so easily taken for granted. This hug is a representation of our love for each other as father and daughter, and it proves that we don't go to sleep pissed off at each other.
Now, at the end of this argument my dad stated "I could be dead tomorrow" and I replied, "so could I." He then said "That's why I'm hugging you" and then he hugged me, even though I didn't reciprocate. However, his words really hit me and in a way, hurt me... even though I know it wasn't intentional. You see, when my mom passed... I never really got to say goodbye. The last time I saw her, I was leaving to go to NJ and I gave her an empty, meaningless hug and said "Bye". I regret that more than anything... I wasn't mad at her, but the meaninglessness in it haunts me til this day along with the knowing that I never got a proper good bye. We went to NJ, and we got a call that she was in the hospital... we came back immediately but it was really too late. My mom was in a coma and hooked up to too many machines to count, and over the course of 2 weeks spent in that same hospital bed her situation got worse and worse and she was resuscitated 3 times. There would likely be brain damage even if she survived, and finally... the decision was made to pull the plug on her life support and she died in my Dad's arms. Life is short and taken for granted SO OFTEN... hugs are also taken for granted and I know this too well. I got no closure with my Mom, and I would never forgive myself if I let it happen with anyone else... especially my Dad. I love you so much Dad and I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me. My advice to anyone and everyone... life is too short to be wasted on bitterness and hate. Cherish the time with the ones you love. Life is just a large hourglass... and we never know when our sand will run out. ~Maddie I love Nema. I call her different names sometimes. I have called her Rainbow, my Star,
and my rainbow Unicorn to name a few. Sometime I even call her Grandma! She is my star! Ashleigh
her (I taught her well) and on occasion dropping to her level and playing Wizard101 for a couple of hours with her. We also play the Sims 4 frequently, and she has fun designing the wackiest sims with me.
When it comes down to it, my sister is my sister and I love her very much. She's going to be with me my entire life... and I love her very much. I want to be as close to her as I can. I will always be there for her and I will always have her back, no matter what... hopefully when she's a little older she can say the same. I love you, Ash. Maddie I think the Above quote by William James makes a lot of sense. Although I think it is at least good to examine what could go wrong, I think after accepting the risks, it is better to focus on all that could go right. By that I mean, once you have looked at the risks and found them to be less than the reward, you should focus on all of the positive things you can accomplish by taking the action.
Now, carry this thought over to your entire life. Why focus on all of the negative that is around you when there is so much more positive.Being around someone negative is such a drag. They don't even have to be negative towards you. If they are being negative towards someone else in your presence then they will still sap the strength out of you. If you must say something, why not make it something positive and try to help the situation. It really doesn't take any brains to complain. Here is an exercise to try. Every time you go to say something negative or hurtful, stop and think about something positive you can say. For one week, only say the positive things. Let the negative thoughts recede to the back of your mind. See if this doesn't improve your mood! At the same time, set up an actual sanction that you will have to do if you break the exercise. For example, if you say something negative, you force yourself to write a 3-page paper on positive quotes that you read. For each quote you need to tell what you think it means and how you could add it to your life to improve your disposition. Life is what you make it. Fill your thoughts with the negative, and it will be negative. Fill it with positive, happy things, and it will be that also. The key is that you have to actually try. If each day, you go out of your way to make yourself and those around you happier, you'll soon find that you all will be much happier. I realize positive and happy are two different things, but I really think you need to have a positive attitude to be happy. Negative thoughts lead to unhappiness. Through positive thoughts, there is redemption. Both heaven and hell reside inside us. They exist in our memories and influence a lot of what we say do and think. Sometimes, they exist side by side within a single memory. Do you have any memories that bring you both pleasure and pain? I do. And I can tell you they are the worst level of hell.
For me, it was the hours leading up to my wife's death. Sharon was in a coma and was dying. After they removed the life support, I held her in my arms until she passed away. I held her for six hours. I didn't want her to die alone. I didn't want her to feel afraid or feel abandoned. I was afraid to get up to go to the bathroom, because I did not want her to die while I was away taking a leak. I tried not to move her too much or shift my position because I didn't want her to wake up and realize what was happening to her and be afraid. I also didn't want her to see the horror on my face that she was dying. I didn't want her to know that it was killing a part of me too. If you never experienced something like that, I can tell you it is pure hell. And it doesn't go away. It stays with you and comes back up in your memories constantly. It makes you feel down, it brings grief at almost any moment. It ties into other memories as well and makes them worse... I remember the moment that Sharon died. I knew before the machine went off to alert the nurse. I was holding her and I heard a popping noise and just past her left shoulder I saw a bright light, which seemed to shoot out towards the hallway just on the other side of the privacy curtain. The nurse yelled to me that she had just died (an alarm went off at the nurses station), and I told her I knew. I got up then, and moved away from the bed. I stood for a moment looking at Sharon, feeling pity, grief, and the aches and pains from muscles that hadn't moved a lot in the past six hours. Sharon's eyes were closed. Mine were open. The nurse called to me from the nurses station asking me if I was going to be okay. I turned my head towards the hallway and said yes. It only took a moment, but when I turned back, Sharon's eyes were open. It looked like she was looking right at me. That moment also stays with me. It wasn't scary. It was like she was taking one last look at me. Was that look accusing? Thankful? Sorrowful? I'll never know. My rational mind tells me that muscles relax in death and that it was just a natural thing...but my unconscious mind still tries to put a meaning to the event So there is the hell. Where's heaven's grasp on that memory? I take solace in the fact that my wife didn't die alone. I spoke with her and prayed for her during that time. Aside from what she died from, I can think of no better way to die than in the arms of a person who loves you. I hope, when it is my turn to die, that her spirit comes back and holds me while I slip into the great beyond. When these memories start to overwhelm me, I try to think of all of the good things that came from our relationship. I think of my daughters, or our walk along the beach on the night we started dating. I think of fall days along the canal in Jersey or antiquing in rustic towns in Pennsylvania. I think of holding hands and the trace of an English accent that I could always hear no matter how much she tried to hide it. Heaven conquers hell and I can go on with my day. In Dante's Inferno, he writes of nine circles of hell and tells who he meets there. I think he was wrong on that. I think there are multiple levels of hell and no one lives there. Instead, we carry these little pockets of hell along with us while we live. It seems easy to add new levels, but much harder to erase them. At the same time, we also carry little bits of heaven along with us as well. We get to see them through our family, friends, and pets...or even while we are out alone in the woods. We live in our minds, and we meld our own destinies. Could there be real heaven and hells? Certainly! But we are all going to have to wait until we pass to see what they are like. "I found a quote that is usually my motto. "If something is broke, fix it, don't just throw it away". Problem is, it can't always be fixed. If you shatter a vase, it can't be fixed. If a vase is just cracked, it can still be fixed, with some work. Each lie in a relationship is a crack. In your case with *****, with every joke he made at your expense, the vase would crack. And it cracked until it shattered. But even when it shattered, he kept it up. He picked up the pieces and then broke them too. Problem is, you can't break what's already been broken. And while you may have tried to fix it in the early stages, nothing could stop it if he set out to shatter the vase from the very beginning."
The above paragraph was sent to me by my best friend Alexis earlier today. It really hit me like a bus... how accurate the analogy was. She simplified almost all failing relationships in just one paragraph, and I liked it. A lot. Figuring that it may help other people, I have decided to share it here along with some of my own thoughts. I completely agree with it: you can't just have ONE person putting effort into a relationship. Relationships- ANY relationships- are not a one-way street. It's give and take, and that's that. Because if only one person gives effort, then the whole thing is sure to fall apart... or, as said in the text, "shatter the vase". If a relationship isn't being supported on both ends, it's better to end it. It'll save a lot of pain and hurt feelings on both sides. That's all I have for today. Maddie Is there any way to excuse the inexcusable? I don't think so. Sometimes things happen that are just not excusable. How do you know what those things are? It's when they still bother you nearly two years after they first happened.
Two years ago, the most horrific thing that ever happened in my life occurred. Friends both near and wide, came to console me. My Mom,sister and brother in law, all came to help out as best they could. Maddie's Godfather, a good friend of mine, drove seven hours from Buffalo to console us. And yet, not a single person from my own family (other than those mentioned) came to share my sorrow. That says a lot. Some were too ill to come... and I honestly understand that. Children with severe allergies, I understand that too. I have a dog and my part of New Hampshire is extremely rural. Neither makes for an ideal setting for children with severe allergies. Some of my extended family didn't find out what happened until after the fact. I understand that also. Sometimes the family grapevine doesn't work efficiently. These people spoke with me after the fact, and I totally understand. It has happened to me in the past as well. The ones that bother me, are the ones that knew, and were healthy, yet did nothing. I have run into these people since that day...and did not mention my feelings. Neither did they. I don't think I ever will. Personally, it isn't worth it. And still, as the anniversary of my wife's death rolls around again, I can't help but feel sadness. Sadness for losing her, sadness for my daughters, growing up without a Mom to share girl things with, and sadness for the hole in my heart where my sense of family used to reside. Excuse the inexcusable? I don't think so. At this point, two years later, I am still trying to just overlook it. I don't think of this stuff every day. In fact, I rarely think of it. But when the anniversary of Sharon's death rolls around, I think of her a lot, and inevitably, my thoughts drift back to the support I received during that time frame. I once read a quote that said "Friends are the new family." While I always thought that that statement was pure claptrap, I was horrified to find that there was likely more truth to that statement than I ever imagined! Excuse the inexcusable? Maybe next year. "If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you. When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me." I made those beautiful words by Led Zeppelin part of my wedding vow to Sharon. I meant them when I said them. And yet, before my wife passed away, I had divorced her. Did this mean I didn't love her? At first Sharon thought so (although this wasn't the case). Soon after we separated, and were in the process of getting a divorce she wrote a poem where she stated: "Promises, Promises, The vows, the lies you made, Before God you once stood, But now, the black and white fade" We got the divorce to protect the children. I still loved Sharon, but her behavior was starting to have an impact on Maddie and her blackouts and drinking to the point of unconsciousness was a very real danger for Ashleigh. But I digress, I wanted to write about my vow and how my actions did not break those sentiments. To start, love has no boundaries. You do not need to be right next to someone to love them. Whether a person's next to me, or across the country, I still have the ability to love them. Whether someone lives with me...or not, I can love them.
Although mountains have not crumbled to the sea, there is still she and me. I see her in my daughters every day as they go about their lives. I hear her when they speak to me. There is a little part of each of us in both of our daughters. Although Sharon has died, there will always be a part of her that lives on, through our children and theirs and so on until our bloodline ends. Will it be until mountains crumble to the sea? I hope so. The vow that bothers me... the one I may have inadvertently broke, is the whole in sickness and in health thing. I have thought about this a lot over the past couple of years. On the surface, it would seem that I broke this part of my vow... to stay with Sharon through sickness and in health. Like an iceberg, though, there is more to this vow than just what you see on the surface. By having children together, Sharon and I took on the responsibility to raise our children and keep them safe. When Sharon got too sick (addicted), and became a danger to our children, we still had our joint responsibility to keep our children safe. Since Sharon could no longer do that, the responsibility fell to me to do what was right for the both of us so that we could fulfill our responsibilities. I believe I have done that, and will continue to do that, as I promised my wife. Sometimes life leaves us no "good" choices. In those instances, we need to pick the choice that will do the most good, and not just the choice that is most convenient, or easy for us. "If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you. When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me." I meant it when I said it Babe, and it still holds true now. Rest in peace. |
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