Both heaven and hell reside inside us. They exist in our memories and influence a lot of what we say do and think. Sometimes, they exist side by side within a single memory. Do you have any memories that bring you both pleasure and pain? I do. And I can tell you they are the worst level of hell.
For me, it was the hours leading up to my wife's death. Sharon was in a coma and was dying. After they removed the life support, I held her in my arms until she passed away. I held her for six hours. I didn't want her to die alone. I didn't want her to feel afraid or feel abandoned. I was afraid to get up to go to the bathroom, because I did not want her to die while I was away taking a leak. I tried not to move her too much or shift my position because I didn't want her to wake up and realize what was happening to her and be afraid. I also didn't want her to see the horror on my face that she was dying. I didn't want her to know that it was killing a part of me too. If you never experienced something like that, I can tell you it is pure hell. And it doesn't go away. It stays with you and comes back up in your memories constantly. It makes you feel down, it brings grief at almost any moment. It ties into other memories as well and makes them worse... I remember the moment that Sharon died. I knew before the machine went off to alert the nurse. I was holding her and I heard a popping noise and just past her left shoulder I saw a bright light, which seemed to shoot out towards the hallway just on the other side of the privacy curtain. The nurse yelled to me that she had just died (an alarm went off at the nurses station), and I told her I knew. I got up then, and moved away from the bed. I stood for a moment looking at Sharon, feeling pity, grief, and the aches and pains from muscles that hadn't moved a lot in the past six hours. Sharon's eyes were closed. Mine were open. The nurse called to me from the nurses station asking me if I was going to be okay. I turned my head towards the hallway and said yes. It only took a moment, but when I turned back, Sharon's eyes were open. It looked like she was looking right at me. That moment also stays with me. It wasn't scary. It was like she was taking one last look at me. Was that look accusing? Thankful? Sorrowful? I'll never know. My rational mind tells me that muscles relax in death and that it was just a natural thing...but my unconscious mind still tries to put a meaning to the event So there is the hell. Where's heaven's grasp on that memory? I take solace in the fact that my wife didn't die alone. I spoke with her and prayed for her during that time. Aside from what she died from, I can think of no better way to die than in the arms of a person who loves you. I hope, when it is my turn to die, that her spirit comes back and holds me while I slip into the great beyond. When these memories start to overwhelm me, I try to think of all of the good things that came from our relationship. I think of my daughters, or our walk along the beach on the night we started dating. I think of fall days along the canal in Jersey or antiquing in rustic towns in Pennsylvania. I think of holding hands and the trace of an English accent that I could always hear no matter how much she tried to hide it. Heaven conquers hell and I can go on with my day. In Dante's Inferno, he writes of nine circles of hell and tells who he meets there. I think he was wrong on that. I think there are multiple levels of hell and no one lives there. Instead, we carry these little pockets of hell along with us while we live. It seems easy to add new levels, but much harder to erase them. At the same time, we also carry little bits of heaven along with us as well. We get to see them through our family, friends, and pets...or even while we are out alone in the woods. We live in our minds, and we meld our own destinies. Could there be real heaven and hells? Certainly! But we are all going to have to wait until we pass to see what they are like.
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