"Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life." That is a quote by Bertolt Brecht. He was a German poet and playright, and I have never even heard of him let alone read any of his stuff. He seems to have been very influential in Germany though, particularly pre-war Germany. I don't fear death. I have seen a lot of it over the past few years. My Dad died in 2012, followed by my wife in 2013. I held her in my arms for the last six hours of her life. My cousin died a few months later, followed quickly by my Grandmother. I have seen death, and mine won't bother me... particularly if I can get through it with a minimum of pain for both me and my daughters. Don't get me wrong, I am certainly not looking forward to my own demise. Far from it. It's just that I know that everyone dies eventually, and that it is silly to fear the inevitable. The second part of the quote talks about the inadequate life. This worries me a little bit more since I hopefully still have a long time left in front of me. My life, to this point, has not been inadequate to me. I am raising two beautiful daughters. I have been married to a very beautiful wife who I loved dearly. I have had a career that I found stimulating and I have started and ran a successful business for eleven years. I have traveled, seen and done a lot of things. And I plan to do many more in the future, including starting a new business. What I do in the upcoming years is what I fear. What am I willing to give up to achieve my goals? Will I achieve my goals? Will my life be inadequate if I don't reach them? These are worries that will take a hold of my mind on occasion. If you asked me three years ago what my goals were, they would have been different. At that point, I was struggling to raise my daughters at a time when everything was crumbling around me. My goals were to fight through all of the negatives impacting my life, to keep my house, and to keep my daughters happy. I was home schooling the girls and another of my goals was to give them an exceptional education. Not to send them to a school to get it, but to teach them myself from home. For a long time, my wife's illness and her death made me feel inadequate. No matter what I did, I could not seem to help her. Eventually, she died (I do not want to get into it now). I do not blame myself for her death. I tried to the best of my abilities to help her to get sober. Unfortunately, she was battling more demons than just alcohol. Even if I had realized it, I think her problems were well beyond what I could have helped her with. Now that I think of it, we all are responsible for adding the meaning into our own lives. We are all responsible for our own fate. Right now, my life has meaning. It is not necessarily the same meaning I thought it would have when I was younger... or even the same meaning that I could have imagined just three years ago. I know what I am doing now, though. And it is a good feeling. I am sad that my wife isn't here to share it with me. For the meaning in my life would be the same whether she is alive or dead. Looking ahead, my fears are for my daughters and the choices they make as they grow older. No one can give meaning to anyone else's life. We can only hope to guide our children in a way that they can realize what will bring meaning to their lives and encourage them to reach for it. When my wife died, I think she was still searching for her meaning. She had helped to bring two beautiful little girls into this world, and yet she was still searching. Sad. In nineteen hours and five minutes, it will be exactly three years since my wife passed away. As I held her in my arms, I made my wife four promises. I am working hard to make sure all four of them are fulfilled. One has already been fulfilled. A second is close to fruition. The other two are life-long endeavors. I work at those diligently. I miss you Babe. "The woods are lovely, dark and deep,. But I have promises to keep,. And miles to go before I sleep - and miles to go before I sleep." Thinking of you Babe, but I think it is going to be a while before I'm knocking on heavens door, so be patient. In the end, life is what you make it. Make sure you make it adequate. Not so that it impresses other people. But so that it impresses you.
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