"If there is anything we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could be better changed in ourselves." That is a quote by Carl Jung. Jung was the founder of analytical psychology. He was a firm believer in individuation. One of the unique things about Jung is that at a very early age he believed he had two personalities. One was that of your typical Swiss school boy at the time, while the other was that of a dignified, authoritative and influential man from the past. This belief would go on to influence much of his groundbreaking future work.
Getting back to Jung's quote, I think he is correct. Oftentimes, although not always, our children are like mirrors of ourselves. While we all recognize that to some extent, it is when we see a perceived flaw that we try to get the child to change it. A good example of this can be found at my house.My Mom is constantly haranguing Maddie about the neatness of her room. She wonders why she just won't keep her room clean. Remember, a reflection is not an exact duplicate of the original. Mirrors have a tendency to distort some details... writing, for example, will look backwards in a mirror. And so it is with our children! Maddie's room is indeed a mess at most times. Although my room is usually neat, my desk is a disaster area. There's the distortion! Take it out one generation further, and my Mom's room is a mess! So my Mom subconsciously wants to fix a flaw in Maddie that she inadvertently sees in herself. She will often try to enlist me into the fray by having me tell Maddie to clean her room. Is the dirty room the only similarity I can see? No. There are many examples. To stay on neatness for a moment, we all have areas outside of our own personal space where we generate our own messy kind of comfort. For me, it is the garage, where I am constantly battling to clear up the clutter. For Maddie, the library has become her own personal girl cave. My reading chair seems to have molded itself to her shape and the side table always seems covered in her soda bottles and notes for school projects. Meanwhile, the basement has been taken over by my Mom's stuff and the kitchen island seems to have become the final resting place for much of her mail and notes. Even Ashleigh has her own special messy place in the living room! Lately, the dining room table also seems to be collecting a lot of Ashleigh's school supplies and coloring books. From the use of colorful language, to the quest for coffee and a mild form of procrastination, everything I see in my daughters I can also see in myself. To different degrees certainly, but they are still there. We all have different things that annoy us. While I do get on my daughters to curb their more egregious behavior, I also try to see where it is coming from and correct that as well. Oftentimes, the example they are emulating is me (but not always). Finally, with my daughters I try to lead by example. There are three old sayings that I try to remember always. These are: "People in glass houses should not throw stones."; "Those who say it can't be done, should get out of the way of those who are doing it." and "Do as I do, is a much better teacher than do as I say."
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