“For the sole thing of which any man can be deprived is the present; since this is all he owns, and nobody can lose what is not his.” That's another quote by Marcus Aurelius. While I usually agree with the man, and I get where he is coming from here, I just don't agree with him. Yeah, I get it, nothing you have is really yours because when you die you lose it... blah, blah blah.
Obviously this man had never lost a loved one. My wife died. I did not. I lost my wife, my friend, my companion. Even worse, I lost potential. For while no man owns the future, we all plan for one anyway. My wife and I were no different. We had our plans and dreams. When her illness took a turn for the worse, and we had to separate, a lot of our ""potential" was taken from us. Who knows what we would have done, or if we would have had another child. Where we would have gone or what we would have done. When my wife died, I lost much more than my present. I lost a number of potentials. Now, not all of the potentials I lost were good. As in anything, there is the good and the bad. When she died, I lost the opportunity to do something differently with her. Unless you know you are dying tomorrow, the loss of potentials is devastating. Have things gotten better for me since my wife died. Yes, the only constant is change and with time, all things change. But I still miss my wife and sometimes, when I have absolutely nothing to do, I think back on the might have been. Although new futures have opened to me, I was forever deprived of the future I had been actively building. As for the present, the only way you can deprive someone of the present is to kill them. As long as they are alive (and, I would argue) conscious, they have a present. It may not be exactly what they expected, but they still have it. To me, losing my future is much worse than losing my present. It's worse, because every time I think of it, it comes back to haunt my present.
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"There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it." That is a quote by Edith Wharton. Best known nowadays for her book The Age Of Innocence, few know that prior to her marriage she was known as Pussy Jones. Get your mind out of the gutter! Back then, Pussy had no derogatory meaning. Still, I thought it would be good to add that for a modern chuckle. I guess I watched too much Beavis & Butthead when I was younger. "huh, huh, huh... he said pussy!"
Anyway, to get back to the quote, there are obviously more ways to spread light than candles and mirrors. In her day, these were the two best ways to spread light. But I think the light she was talking about was happiness. Happiness is something we can all spread with a little practice. A smile, a kind word, a little extra effort in anything you do. All can help to make life a little happier for the people around you. So many people go through life spreading discord, stress and grief. How much better would life be if everyone tried to spread happiness? My daughters symbolized the discord today in the car. Both girls sat in the back of the car today on the way back from church. Ashleigh would say something and Maddie would jump on her, telling her to shut up and that she was silly. Ashleigh would then do and say things to annoy Maddie. How much nicer the ride would have been if Maddie would have found something nice to say to her sister. Instead of trying to bring happiness to her young sister, she is subconsciously teaching her that she has nothing of value to say and that if she continues to speak Maddie will make her unhappy. In a way, Maddie is teaching her sister to be unhappy, as she is, rather than to chase happiness. Overall, Ashleigh is an innocent child, and very happy. Sometimes, happiness can be threatening for those who are not happy since it threatens their view that the world is overall an unhappy place. For me, it is the little things in life that make happiness. While no one can always be happy, we can look for happiness, and if we cannot find it for ourselves, we can always try to help others find it. A comment like "I like the way you did your hair this morning", or even just a smile or a tap on the hand can bring happiness to people. I guess what I am trying to say is that if we can't find happiness for ourselves in a given moment, isn't it nice t know that maybe we have helped someone else to attain it? I know that in those times when I actually know I made someone else happy, I usually feel a little better myself. I also know that when someone goes out of their way to say something nice to me, I remember it for a long time. Here is a good case in point. Back in April of last year, I met a woman to sell her one of my wife's old pocketbooks. We stood and spoke for a few minutes and then both went on our way. I had told her about what happened with my wife and how me and my daughters were dealing with it, home schooling the girls, and working from home. When I got back from the trip there was a message for me from the woman. it said: " You are one of the most inspiring, endearing and interesting people I've ever met! Good luck to you and your family! Sounds like everyone is on the right path!! Have a blessed day!!" I must say that that message made me feel good. I always get a bit down speaking about my wife, so I was feeling a bit down by the time I got back, but that message was enough to make me feel a bit better. The message was unexpected but gave me a nice pick me up! How much better I felt after reading it. It was unexpected, and I am sure that that woman couldn't know how much that little text message lifted my spirits that morning... and at other times when I remembered about it. Indeed, I remembered it just now as I was writing this post and went back and found it to quote it here. A kind word can go a long way towards making someone's day. That text only took that woman a moment to write, and yet it did so much to make me feel better that week. It was so much nicer than telling someone to keep quiet because they have absolutely nothing to say that you want to hear! Words have power folks. Think about what you say... and how you say it. If you are unhappy, tired or hurting, does it in anyway make you feel better to make someone else feel that way as well? If you say yes, then you are trying to defend the defenseless. Be a light to others in your sphere of influence. If you can't be a light, then be a mirror. Just don't, whatever you do, be a well of darkness. Life is just too short. If you can't say something nice, then just say nothing at all. Sometimes silence can suffice. I'm a little late to the party with this post and I'm sure all of you have already read my dad's phenomenal post about the concert we went to on Monday. It was quite honestly one of the best things I have ever experienced in my life. I've listened to this group growing up (much like my dad did when he was younger) because of my dad; and while the band isn't entirely complete OR youthful anymore; they still sounded absolutely amazing and not a bit off key. For guys over 70; they performed excellently and I'd put them level with Papa Roach and FFDP.
While the show was amazing, the music loud and rocking, and the atmosphere really cool... I think my favorite part of the day was being able to spend quality time with my dad while doing something we both take great enjoyment in. My dad got to revisit his youth a bit and it amused me to see him revert into his younger self; if only temporarily. I shouldn't say that. To be honest; my dad is a kid at heart and acts about 30 years younger than his age to begin with. So; thank you dad for taking me with you to this concert. I had an amazing time and I think it's so cool that we both got to experience these legends before they stop performing. I also think it's awesome that we both got to grow up on the same band. Anyway, it's late and I want to shower AND watch funny videos before bed- so I'll leave this here. Peace; Maddie This picture is by Maddie Maddie and I went to see The Who last night at TD Garden in Boston. And boy, did they put on a great show! I was a little concerned heading into the show because a friend of mine saw them playing the Superbowl and said they sucked. I decided to go anyway, since I have been listening to The Who for over forty years and I love their music. I am so glad that I did! I thought they did a great show. Both Roger Daltrey and Pete Townsend are over seventy years old, and while they have lost a step in old age, and don't move around as much as they once did, they both still sound great. Keith Moon and John Entwistle had both died years ago, so others have taken their place and did a great job as well. This wasn't my first time seeing The Who, so I have some basis for comparison. I saw them rock Giants Stadium back in 1989, when John Entwistle was still the bassist. My history with the band goes back even further though. Meaty Beaty Big & Bouncy was one of the first albums I ever bought back in 1976,.The Doors' LA Woman was the other. Both albums had already been out for a few years before I got them, but to be honest, they both came out when I was five, so I wasn't buying anything, let alone music back then! I still have both albums too! These bands and their albums, have been a huge part of the sound track of my life. Tell me, what was playing in the background during important moments during your life? For me, oftentimes it was bands like The Who, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, The Doors and Jimi Hendrix. In fact, "Thank You" by Led Zeppelin was My Wife & I's wedding song. The singer for our wedding couldn't really get it, so we did not play it at our reception, but we did dance to it before we left the house on the way to the church.
Last night, it felt so good to share such a large part of my life with my daughter. She doesn't know how much it meant to me that she actually enjoyed it. My daughter and I have gone to concerts before, but this was the first one where I likely had a better handle on the music than she did. I caught myself a few times leaning over to tell her something about the song coming up after I heard a note or two of the opening and recognized it. The memories I had while listening to the music, and being able to share some of that with her while she was experiencing it for the first time truly made my night. What's more, one of my daughter's friends also went to the concert with his parents and she ran into him there. Now, she will have her own memories from the show that he too will be able to relate to. He was in a different section than us, but he stopped by to see Maddie, which I think helped to make the night a little more memorable for her as well. There were so many songs I knew and loved played last night that I had a tough time picking just one favorite. I remember singing along to Love Reign O'er Me and Join together, as well as You Better You Bet and Won't Get Fooled Again. Pinball Wizard was done really well and Eminence Front (one of my favorites) was a first for me, since they didn't play it at the show I went to in 1989. Oddly enough, Maddie's favorite song of the night was called The Rock and is a purely instrumental piece. She liked it for what they dedicated it to and for the scenes they flashed up on the screens as they played it. Her next favorite was Baba O Riley. Maddie loved the concert too, by the way. One song that they didn't play that I remember from the 1989 concert was Magic Bus. Before the concert even started, they had a little film on the screen talking about the band and one of the things they mentioned was that John Entwistle used to hate playing that song in concert since he really only got to play one chord and that the song would usually go on for six to eight minutes and he would be really bored. When I read that, I knew we were not going to get Magic Bus... and I was right. Another song that was rightfully absent was Summertime Blues. In 1989, the concert I went to was on the July 4th weekend, and The Who played that song as one of their encores.Well, March is still winter in New England, so there was no Summertime Blues. Well, I think I have rambled long enough. I am happy that I got to share one of my favorite bands with my daughter. These guys were good in 1989. After so many years, I think these guys were GREAT in 2016. Now that they are in their seventies, I am not sure if they will be able to tour much longer. I hope they do. I would love to bring Ashleigh to see them one day when she is old enough. My thanks to The Who ... for making music I could grow up with. What amazing memories. Thank you. Last night, I decided to go back on my old blog and read some of my old poetry. I now know why my dad has me keep everything in order online... it can be nice to revisit old thoughts and see how you've developed. I must say, reading my old poetry really... not boosted me; but opened my eyes. Last year was a really rough year for me; and I was (sadly enough) depressed throughout most of it. I let old memories and stress get the best of me, unfortunately... and it comes out in my poetry. I am quite happy with myself for how far I've come since then.
So... what changed? Well, I learned a few little lessons about life that helped me... and I'd like to share them with you. Keep in mind; these only helped me when I fully understood them. If you read these with no understanding; don't expect them to help you. Life waits for no one and is gone too soon, so don't waste time being unhappy. You have a choice when you wake up in the morning- to be happy or to be sad. How you think will form your life. Tomorrow isn't promised; don't go to bed upset. Take time to notice the little things. Find the silver lining in every situation. When all else fails... breathe. Nothing clears the mind more than a long walk outside. Focus on the positive things in life, not the negative. Help yourself out, don't wallow in self-pity. Do the things that make you happy. Don't surround yourself with negative people. I hope these tips help you as much as they have helped me. Best of luck to you. (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧maddie✧゚・: *ヽ(◕ヮ◕ヽ) Sometimes, things are said so perfectly that you just have to quote the whole thing. I was thinking about my wife tonight, and this song came to mind. Although things weren't always smooth between me and my wife (the alcohol played a large part in that), we always loved each other. In the end, I divorced my wife to protect our children. Her drinking was getting out of control and it was endangering the girls. We remained close after the divorce and I held her for six hours after they removed her life support. She died in my arms. Here's to you Babe. If I could save time in a bottle The first thing that I'd like to do Is to save every day till eternity passes away Just to spend them with you If I could make days last forever If words could make wishes come true I'd save every day like a treasure and then Again, I would spend them with you But there never seems to be enough time To do the things you want to do, once you find them I've looked around enough to know That you're the one I want to go through time with If I had a box just for wishes And dreams that had never come true The box would be empty, except for the memory of how They were answered by you But there never seems to be enough time To do the things you want to do, once you find them I've looked around enough to know That you're the one I want to go through time with Jim Croce
I have two new night gowns. One has a pretty kitten on it. The kitten has a blue bow
and blue eyes on a pink night gown. The other one is a white night gown with pink, blue, and green foxes. My favorite is the kitten nightgown. Ashleigh “Time is a river, a violent current of events, glimpsed once and already carried past us, and another follows and is gone.” Yep, that's another quote by Marcus Aurelius. I would have liked to have met the man. He certainly had a lot of interesting things to say. Even better, he wrote them down... or someone did.
I think at one time or another, all of us say something that should be written down. The problem is, no one does, and so our great pearls of wisdom are lost to the river of time. All of us have some wisdom to share. Oftentimes, our wisdom is wasted on fools, or is thrown out to those who really don't deserve it to begin with. Time really is like a river though. It flows past us. Sometimes it seems to move slowly. Other times it is a fast-moving torrent. Memories seem to be the eddies of the time stream. I should know, I get caught in them constantly...sometimes tortured by them. Over and over round and round the same memories flow through my mind. Sometimes they work to boost me up and push me forward with my life. But, alas, the same memory will then drag me back to where I have already been. Reliving a moment does no good. The outcome can't be changed. How I wish that all of my memories would bring smiles to my face. Life would be much easier if all memories could be good ones. They can. My memories can make me smile, but then that same memory can bring a tear to my eye. An eddy, that never allows you to break free totally. Men have been on this planet for thousands of years. And we think we know what they did and how they lived. And yet, most of us don't even know how are neighbors live. I have a diary I tried to write about ten years ago. In it are ramblings that I thought would remind me of what I was doing. What a farce! I look back at it now and most of it is bullshit that nobody would ever want to read after getting through the first page or two. Hell, I find it boring and I wrote it! For every moment, there is a season. And once that season passes, those moments slip away to be forgotten. Very little of what I wrote about makes up my current memories. Long-winded lines of things that were on my mind then (similar to this, I guess). Nowhere are the memories that I remember back on now. My daughter grabbing my finger just minutes... no seconds after she was born. My daughters first word, shouted over and over again in the local Taco Bell... Da! Da! Da! Da! Da! (Oh, how those moments mean so much to me!). My wife, sitting on a couch beside me reading me her poetry. This was just after we had our first date. My realization that I was falling madly in love with her. Memories of a golden retriever that wanted nothing more than to be by my side. Time, we are in the stream but for a moment. Yet in that moment we must make memories that last for eternity. What memories do you want on your mind at the moment when you will cease to exist? Time is a man-made construct. We are all allotted our time in the sun. What is the meaning of our lives? The meaning is up to you. The meaning of life is to give your life meaning. The saddest thing is to see someone pass away before they figure out that meaning. Valentine's Day is coming up on Sunday. I like Valentine's Day, but not as much as
Halloween. I am going to give cards out to my family. Hopefully, I will get cards in return! Ashleigh I was talking to my sister a couple of days ago and the conversation turned to memories. She asked me what were my favorite funny memories I had with her, and I told her I would get back to her on Friday. Well today's Friday, so here are my thoughts! My sister and I have had lots of laughs over the years. I didn't want to go with just the obvious ones, so I thought deep and hard on this subject. While some of the memories weren't really funny when they happened, I can look back on them now and smile. Given my sister asked me explicitly not to write about what happened in Madison Square Garden back in 1989 at the Atlantic Records 40th Anniversary Concert, I will leave that story for another day! THAT story holds less chuckles for me nowadays anyway, so I likely won't write about that one anytime soon. I am going to start with a very old memory that always make me crack a smile when I think about it, although admittedly it doesn't come to mind often. I think this one is from 1969 or 1970. That year, we had gotten some type of furniture delivered to the house that had a really huge box. Michelle and I decided that it would make a really cool fort and we cut holes into the box to make windows and doors. We then plopped it into the middle of the living room and watched TV from out of the windows and door. We threw pillows inside it to make it comfy, but as I remember it, it was very hot inside the box. We were too stubborn to admit it though, and continued to use the fort for about a week before it mysteriously disappeared. I remember we watched The Brady Bunch from inside the box. I think it was a new show that year, since we used to get very excited to watch it...unlike when we were older and it seemed to play continuously on channel 5. Another memory that comes to mind from around the save time period...maybe 1972 or '73 is when we were in the wedding party for my Aunt Janet's wedding. I was the ring bearer, and my sister was a flower girl. I remember how excited I was to be in the wedding party and I believe Michelle was too. This laugh isn't about my sister really. It's about the hairstyles that my Mom and Grandmother are sporting. The only other real memory I have from that time is that I think Aunt Janet and Uncle Ray had an apartment across from where Palisades Park used to be. We had gone there when I was very young and I remembered going on the kiddie rides. Then, right around the time of the wedding they had that apartment and I remember that there was a big lot in front of their apartment and across it on the other side was Palisades Park, but that it was closed down. Another memory from around the same time period involves my sister and the broken arm she got when she fell off a horse in Canada. That wasn't a great trip for the Nef family as I remember it. We all had a great time, but the injury toll was high. Michelle fell off a horse and had a really big cast put on her arm. Look at the size of that thing in the picture below! A day or so later, I stepped on an underground bee's nest (likely yellow jackets now that I think about it), and received a number of stings up and down my legs. The hilarity of the situation didn't come until we were back in New Jersey. You see, those big casts were hot and itchy, and Michelle was suffering from the itches and being a bit grumpy in general. At some point, I thought it would be a good idea to throw a chewed piece of gum down into her cast. Well, somehow I did it! Michelle yelled and put up a commotion which got me yelled at. I remember being really upset about it because Michelle "might" catch some kind of infection or something from my gum. A few weeks later, they cut the cast off, and there was my gum stuck to the inside of the cast. Although I have a lot of memories, I don't have pictures for all of them. A big snowball fight at Schuetzen Park comes to mind. We used to go sledding there in the winter. Hanging out during the summer with Donna, Dana and Donald Torrence at their pool. They had an ugly little dog named Bristle as I remember it. An accurate name for that tiny wiry-haired thing. Michelle, remember the hippy that stopped by from down the street who dove into the pool with her clothes on? I remember the back yard at our apartment was all cement except for one part, which Mario used to grow tomatoes. We didn't think that was fair and I remember dumping some stuff on the tomatoes (probably a mixture of water and pepper now that I think of it) hoping they would die to spite him. As we grew up, I remember going to concerts with my sister as well. I think Billy Joel was the first concert we went to together, although I also remember going to see The Police, Joan Jett, and REM at Shea Stadium. REM had been just starting out and I remember they got booed off the stage. It was Michelle, me, her boyfriend Tom and my friend Steve and we had a cooler in the car with us as we drove in. I think we were drinking Molsens or Moosehead on the way in, which means either Tom or Michelle picked up the beer since my tastes and cash flow ran more towards Pabst or Bud. Of course, there was the 1989 Atlantic Records concert where my sister and I saw about 40 bands doing short sets including Led Zeppelin, Yes, Crosby Stills & Nash and the Average White Band among others. Great time as I remember it! There were more, including The Who at the Meadowlands. The last concert we went to together though, was the most memorable to me. Michelle came with us to see Victoria Justice when I was bringing Maddie to her first concert. I remember it rained that day while we were out in the parking lot waiting to get in. We all got soaked while waiting in line. Once we got in, who should we run into, but Mr. Cool-Aid...Hey Cool-Aid!!! I wanted to get a picture of Maddie with Mr. Cool-Aid, but she felt funny about it until Michelle decided to go get her picture taken first. Once she did that, I was able to get Maddie to take a picture with me with Mr.Cool-Aid. Another time that makes me smile is the time my sister got me to wear pink. It was for her wedding. I was part of the wedding party, and Michelle was having her bridesmaids wear fuchsia-colored dresses. Well, the men in the party had to wear matching ties and cummerbunds. I was never partial to wearing the color pink, and I wasn't this time either. Still, she was my sister and I was in the wedding party so I bit the bullet and wore the tux...pink tie and all. In the end, the tux didn't make me look bad at all. That mustache I was sporting at the time...well, that's another story! Once Michelle moved out on her own, we continued to hang out. In fact, we hung out together even more. I remember Michelle's first apartment was in the bottom floor of a house in Port Monmouth. She was very proud of her apartment and she decided to have a house-warming/Christmas party. Well, me and two of my friends stopped over for the party and we were all having a good time. Michelle was very touchy about keeping the place neat and a couple of times she came up to me and said to go throw a plate into the garbage or to pick up my cup. It felt like she was chasing me around the room to make sure that me and my friends didn't make a mess.
At one point, things started to get out of hand, and I decided to take action (keep in mind some of the things she had busted me for were not my messes. If someone put down a plate, she assumed it was me since her friends would never create a mess at her place!). I had accidentally dropped a pretzel on the floor and I was just starting to bend down to pick it up, when out of nowhere Michelle appears at my side and snarls "pick it up!" It was like she was the angel of cleanliness trying to smite me for my transgression. Without missing a beat, I raised my foot high into the air and brought my foot down on the pretzel as if it was a wine glass wrapped in cloth at a bar mitzvah. I looked her in the eye and yelled "Mazel tov!" Essentially, mazel tov is jewish for good luck, so it wasn't too far off the mark. Well, Michelle's jaw dropped open...one of her friends made a disgusted face and started tsk tsking as chicks are wont to do, while my friend Chris literally fell over because he was laughing so hard. Michelle looked at me, said "you're a jerk." and then walked off. I don't remember much of anything else about that party, but I still get a good chuckle when I think of that one! Once we both bought houses, we hung out nearly every week. Michelle's a good cook and I would usually grab one or two meals at her house during the week. Michelle and Rick also had a pool, so we would float around the pool on rafts drinking. Rick and I would drink scotch and Michelle would usually stick to lighter stuff or soda. I smoked cigars back then and Rick and I would smoke stogeys out back while Michelle prepared dinner. Good times! We would oftentimes take our dogs for walks along the trails or at one of the local parks. One funny moment that I remember is when we were walking through Hartshorne Woods. Michelle's dog, Spanky, always needed to stay on a leash since he was a beagle, and when he got on a scent, it was very hard to get him to listen to commands. Barkley was a tad better at listening, so I would let him off his leash to roam a bit. One time, while Barkley was in the woods he flushed a deer from its hiding space. The deer ran out across the path we were on directly between Michelle and I. Now, that doesn't sound like a big deal, but there was literally maybe ten feet between us at the time! The deer ran closer to her than to me, but I remember it was fast and scary. We laughed it off once we realized what happened, but before that, it was a crashing sound in the woods, a blur of brown and then Barkley bolting past us in pursuit! This post is getting a bit lengthy now so I will try to keep it short. Since I have moved to New Hampshire, we do not get to hang out as much anymore. We still speak nearly every day. Michelle is very good at giving me a call. I am really bad at calling since I get caught up in all types of nonsense, and then forget to do the important things, like keep up with my sister. I enjoy our daily chit chats. When we do get together, we usually have fun. When Rick and Michelle come up to visit, we usually have a name-game marathon with Maddie. When we really get going, these games can last for hours! My Mom is getting older now, so it is harder for us to get down to New Jersey. The trips exhaust her and I usually can't stay for long periods due to my work schedule and our karate training. When we do go, I know we are always set to enjoy a number of good meals. Like I said earlier, Michelle is a good cook, and she likes to cook! If there is one picture that always reminds me of home, it is a picture of my Mom giving Michelle a kiss. Michelle is sitting in a chair and my Mom came up behind her and is leaning down to give her a kiss while she is holding her head. Michele's face is all scrunched up and you can only see the top of my Mom's head really. I wanted to find the pic to finish off this post, but unfortunately I couldn't find it. So I will end it with the picture below. It is a recent pic, but I don't know what was going on on the day it was taken. I just know I was happy to be hanging with my sister.
Today has been a pretty good day. I ended up going to Keene with my grandmother and sister in search of wide shoes. My grandma's feet have been killing her lately, and her doctor finally decided that new shoes were definitely in order.
First off, we stopped at the wide shoe store. Regular malls and shoe stores don't carry a wide variety of wide shoes, so there's actually an outlet that specializes in wide and extra-wide shoes. However, it's located in Swanzey and it took us a good 45 minutes to get there. After ordering a pair of wide shoes and paying for a pair of slippers for my grandma, we had some extra time- so we went 5 minutes down the road into Keene, which is regarded by some as the "NYC" of New England. With great exaggeration. Keene is actually a very small town; but big for the area it is in. There are plenty of department stores to shop in, and we wound up going to Kohls. I needed a dress for Christmas mass anyway, and I actually ended up finding two really pretty ones that were (luckily) 50% off each. All in all, today has been a great day and I'm glad I was able to finish my homework early enough to go out. ~ Maddie Christmas is my favorite holiday. Santa gives me lots of gifts. We dress up for the holidays. We also bake cookies. My favorite are the gingerbread men.
Ashleigh I am currently sitting in a Texas Roadhouse steakhouse, and I'm bored... So I figured, why not write a blog post! We have a 25 minute wait before we get seats, since apparently everyone went out to Christmas shop and get a nice dinner after today.
We spent most of the day at the Mall at Whitney Field, doing out Christmas shopping. I've been quite reclusive about gifts this year, and my dad needed ideas for me. So; I dragged him through Sears, Burlington Coat Factory, Spencer's and Hot Topic. I ended up running into two of my friends unexpectedly, and I walked around with my best friend for a majority of the day. We had a good time trying on clothes together and giving each other style advice. At the end of the day, she found me an awesome pair of shoes and I found her a dress that looked stunning on her. Now... I don't know what to write. I had a great day out with my family, though. It's rare we get to go out and spend quality time together; and today was a day we could. It was fun and hopefully the soon-coming meal will finish it nicely. Peace out. - Maddie This is a part of a quote someone wrote about an acid trip they had been on. Although I wasn't really interested in his trip, the above phrase really stuck out at me. At first, I thought the answer to the implied question was easy. Words were a form of communication, while silence was, well, really quiet! But then I started thinking about it. Sometimes silence can convey as much meaning as words. I started thinking about the last hours of my wife's life. She was dying in the hospital and was in an induced coma. She could hear what was going on around her at times, I knew, because I saw her react to things that I said, and actually try to open her eyes when my daughter came to visit her. There was so much I wanted to say to her as she lay there dying...but I didn't. I held her for six hours, yet I didn't say more than a few words to her. I held her in my arms until she died. I was afraid to say too much to her because I did not want to wake her up enough so that she knew what was happening to her. I didn't want her to know that my heart was breaking, that Maddie and Ashleigh were now going to grow up without a mother, or even that her parents had already left to go back to England. I did want her to know four things though, that I told her within the first few minutes of my vigil. My promises to her and my love for her. After that, there was over five hours of silence between us. Yet in that time, communication still occurred. I held her as lovingly as you can, while one is in a hospital bed, and the other is just kneeling on a chair next to the bed. I put my arm around her shoulders and let her head rest between the pillow and my shoulder. I tried not to move too much, because I did not want to jostle her out of unconsciousness. After three hours, I needed to pee badly. But I still did not move, because I thought she could go at any moment. You see, no one had told me that when you took someone off of a ventilator, they could live for hours. I hope that she somehow knew I was embracing her and that I wasn't going to let her die alone. I truly want to believe that at some point, she knew I was there with her. Words can sometimes fail us...but an embrace cannot be faked. At least not for six hours anyway. The whole time I held my wife, her eyes were closed, as if she was sleeping peacefully. The violence of her breathing belied the reality behind that picture though. When my wife finally passed away, I gave her a kiss and got up to go. I couldn't really walk yet because my legs had been in one position for too long. Instead, I stood there and answered a question the nurse asked me from across at the nurses station. I only looked towards the door for a moment, but when I looked back, Sharon's eyes were open. Now I know that muscles relax with death, and that it was an involuntary reaction. Yet her eyes seemed to be looking right at me. Were they accusing me? Were they thanking me? I don't know. My wife was already dead. I like to think that God was giving her one last look at me, before she began the long wait to see me again in heaven. The silence in the room was palpable. I mumbled "good bye my love", feeling a great well of sadness that never really goes away, and I then went out of the room. Sometimes, silence is the only way to convey a thought or action. Other times it is not. When Maddie was young, I sang to her often. Nowadays, I sing to Ashleigh. And she sings back to me. Maddie has outgrown my singing for the most part. Every once in a while, I will sing the song I made up for her to her anyway. I have made up very similar songs for both of my girls. I have also combined them to make one song to convey my feeling for both of them. The songs allow me to convey my love for my girls in a fun way without being smothering. I sing them to myself sometimes as I think back on little things I have done with one girl or the other in the past. Ashleigh gets a song nearly every time we go to karate alone together. The words, in this instance convey the message. It's a message that I never want them to forget. My daughters are growing up fast now. And I am growing older. In less than a decade, my eldest daughter will be leaving my home to start her own family. That is the reality of life. And yet I will continue to sing my Maddie song. As I did last night, and again today. I sing it to myself...or the Ashleigh song, when my spirits need a lift. Sometimes I sing it out loud, but usually in my head. I hope I have sung it enough so that somewhere in the back of their minds, they will remember them. Remember it, and recognize it. So one day, when they are well into their nineties, (at least) hopefully, they will recognize that song and not be afraid as they follow it back to its source in heaven where I will be singing it to welcome them home, and our family can be together again for eternity. The Maddie Song
M-A-D-I-S-O-N Daddy loves Maddie Madison And who's my good girl Mad-i-son? Daddy loves Maddie Madison. Daddy loves Maddie, Daddy loves Maddie. Daddy loves Maddie Madison! And who's my good girl Madison? Daddy loves Maddie Madison And who's my good girl Mad-i-son? Daddy loves Maddie Madison. Daddy loves Maddie, Daddy loves Maddie. Daddy loves Maddie Madison! The Ashleigh Song Who's my good girl, Ash-e-leigh? Daddy loves little Ashleigh. And who's my good girl Ash-e-leigh? Daddy loves big girl Ashleigh! Ash-e-leigh Ash-e-leigh! Daddy loves Ashleigh, Daddy loves Ashleigh, Daddy loves big girl Ash-e-leigh! And who's my good girl Ash-e-leigh? Daddy loves big girl Ashleigh! Ash-e-leigh Ash-e-leigh! Daddy loves Ashleigh, Daddy loves Ashleigh, Daddy loves big girl Ash-e-leigh! The Sisters Song (this is Ashleigh's favorite) Who's my good girl Madison? Daddy loves Maddie Madison. And who's my good girl Ash-e-leigh? Daddy loves little Ashleigh. Mad-i-son! Ash-e-leigh! Daddy loves Maddie! And Daddy loves Ashleigh! Daddy loves both his little girls! And who's my good girl Ash-e-leigh? Daddy loves big girl Ashleigh! And who's my good girl Madison? Daddy loves Maddie Madison! Ash-e-leigh! Mad-i-son! Daddy loves Ashleigh! And Daddy loves Maddie! Daddy loves both his little girls! Halloween is coming in twelve days. I am looking for ward to it because it is lost of fun!
I have started decorating the house. Today I drew a picture of Evil Jack, a monster with an evil face. Tomorrow I am putting out our light up Frankenstein. I can't wait! Ashleigh "The measure of who we are is what we do with what we have." Of course, that's a quote by Vince Lombardi. Vince was the coach of the Green Bay Packers in the 60's and led the team to 5 NFL championships in seven years and won the first two Super Bowls. It's funny to me how many of the best motivational quotes out there seem to come from sports personalities. With all of their wisdom, they seem to think that the greatest impacts they can make in their lives is in playing and coaching sports.
I admit, I am of two minds on this issue. My Dad was a basketball coach, I have coached basketball in the past, and I am currently a sensei and I help to train people in karate. Obviously, I do think that there are benefits to sports and training. My problem with sports is when it becomes an obsession for people. Particularly for people who are not participating in it, but are just watching. I have seen grown men fight because they were rooting for opposing professional teams. I have seen grown men point at others and call them names because they are wearing a hat with the logo of an out-of-town team. It disgusts me. As I have grown older, I have stopped watching professional sports nearly all together. On occasion, I will sit through a game that is on TV while at a family gathering. I have no real interest in who either wins or loses. It's just on and so I will sit down and watch it with the other men at the gathering. Oftentimes, I end up falling asleep on the couch. It wasn't always that way. When I was younger I used to go to the games and root for the Rangers, the Knicks, the Giants and the Yankees. I collected baseball cards and yearbooks and had the pennants for many of my favorite teams. My epiphany came in 1982 when the NFL had their strike-shortened season. That is when it really hit home that professional sports, were not about the teams, but were just a business to most of the players and the team owners. The fans were a revenue source to these men and that's about it. Major League Baseball's strike-shortened season in 1994-1995 just reinforced my view. In the end, I started to feel like I was rooting for a corporation...which I was! I realized that since it was silly to go out and root for Procter & Gamble or Whirlpool, then it was equally silly to go out and "root" for these sports teams. Once I stopped caring about these corporate teams, large swaths of time opened up to me to do other things. While I could still enjoy watching a good play, I saw it as just that a good play by a talented individual...that I usually just saw on a highlight reel. I also found a new respect for amateur sports. The kids were still playing on teams and were loyal to their teams. They showed courage and skills and were not being paid millions (or anything) for their efforts. So how does all of this have anything to do with my opening quote? I don't know really. This post took a 90-degree turn from where I was originally headed with it. To get back to the quote, I think he was 100% correct in his assessment. It's just too bad that he likely meant it in how it pertained to sports. There is so much more to life than "sports". When your life gets so wrapped up in sports that everything else in your life takes a back seat to it, you end up missing a lot of what life has to offer you. Special moments with your wife or son or daughter. Time that you never have a chance to recapture. What you choose to do with your time does say a lot about who you are. It doesn't always say what you want it to say...particularly to the people who love you. So what's important to you? Better yet, who is important to you? Do your loved ones take a back seat to your passion for sports? Or are they front and center your reason for being? What we all have is time. What you choose to do with it IS the measure of who you are. Does it matter more to you that strangers have a good opinion of you, or your family? While everyone needs to answer this question for themselves, make sure that your answer doesn't measure up short with the ones you love. Last night was quite possibly one of the most amazing nights I have ever had. For those of you who don't know, I'm turning 14 in 5 days (October 12th). As an early birthday present, my dad took me to an awesome concert. The bands playing were FFDP (Five Finger Death Punch) and Papa Roach, and the opening bands for them were In This Moment and From Ashes To New. I'd like to give a quick run-down of the bands in my opinion. The first band that played was From Ashes To New. I had heard of the group before, but had never bothered to listen to any of their music. I wasn't expecting too much from them since they're a smaller group... needless to say, my mind was changed by the end of their 35-minute performance. As the first show of the night, it was their job to get the crowd going- and they did a great job of it. A highlight of their performance was when their guitarist launched himself into the crowd and then crowd surfed while playing the guitar flawlessly. As the first performers, it was FATN's job to get the crowd revved up for the rest of the show- which they did a great job in doing. However, In This Moment came out and ruined the momentum that FATN had given by stopping every song for a rest and a costume change. They are one of my favorite bands; but they put on a lousy performance that killed the show. So much better to just buy their CD and have the songs to listen to anytime. Thankfully, Papa Roach was next and they DOMINATED the entire show. They had amazing stage presence and brought the show back to life after In This Moment's failure. Twice the lead singer went out into the audience, once being just 5 rows away from Dad and I. They also performed an encore song, "Scars", in the middle of the floor right on the edge of the giant mosh pit taking place. All in all, they put on an amazing show and were definitely the best band of the night. They played for about an hour and 45 minutes and got the crowd psyched up for FFDP, the last performance of the night. After Papa Roach- FFDP kind of disappointed everyone. Did they rock? Yes. Did they put on a good show? Yes. They were awesome and I loved their show. However, after Papa Roach, there was no way they could compete. They closed off the show nicely and had everyone out of their seats cheering, clapping and singing along the whole time. Definitely a great band. Before I go- here were my favorite songs. My Fight - From Ashes To New Blood - In This Moment Big Bad Wolf - In This Moment Last Resort - Papa Roach Gravity - Papa Roach ft. Maria Brink Where Did The Angels Go - Papa Roach Falling Apart - Papa Roach Jekyll and Hyde - FFDP Wrong Side of Heaven - FFDP The Bleeding - FFDP Got Your Six - FFDP ~Maddie "Make a game plan and stick with it...unless its not working." That is known as a Yogi-ism. In other words, it's a quote by Yogi Berra. Yogi died yesterday at the age of 90. In case you've lived under a rock for the past 60 years or so, Yogi was a Hall of Fame catcher for the New York Yankees. He was an MVP three times, an all-star 18 times and he was on a team that won the World Series a record ten times! Even with all of these things, he was best known for his amusing quotes. On the surface, they were dopey, but underneath it they made a little bit of sense. He had a knack for making people feel at ease around him, even though he was the greatest catcher of his generation, and possibly the best Yankee catcher of all time (yes, including Thurmon Munson). In honor of his passing, I'd like to talk about Yogi's quote on making plans. Rest In Peace Yogi, although I was too young to ever have seen you play, I am a fan. Make a plan and stick with it. Many people would say that line and just leave it at that. But it's just not enough to make a plan and stick with it. you also have to apply the plan and be willing to change it if it becomes clear that it isn't working out. Being flexible, and knowing when to be flexible are key points that I think Yogi was trying to point out when he allegedly said that quote. Everyone has some type of plan...even if it is subconscious. We all know what we want to accomplish, yet we all don't know how to get where we want to go. By setting a plan, we can make a road map towards achieving our goals. A map will only bring us so far, though. We need to be able to follow the map to bring us where we want to go. Sometimes the journey will get difficult. At those times, we need to be able to recognize shortcuts that will help us to reach our goal. If the road we are on leads to a dead end, it is all right to take a side path that will lead us around the obstacle. Planning will help us to see the shortest route from point A to point B. Sometimes, it won't show us the bumpiness of the road, though. When the road gets rough, it only makes sense to find a smoother path to follow. I do not mean changing the destination, but changing HOW you get there. This is the beauty of Yogi's quote. Make a plan, but if it isn't working, be flexible enough to change the path you take to get there. That's what successful people do. They do not change their goal, they change how they get to their goal. The wisdom is in knowing the difference. "We do not remember days; we remember moments." is a quote from Cesare Pavese. Pavese was an Italian author, antifascist and communist who committed suicide in 1950. He was, at the time, viewed as one of Italy's best writers. Even so, without that quote, I never would have known who he was. Some people are best left to obscurity!
At any rate, I think Pavese was spot on with his quote... thank you Captain Obvious! We don't really remember days do we. Instead, we remember moments from those days that had a big impact on us. Think of 9/11/2001, for instance. We remember the date, but do we really remember the day? I can tell you bits and pieces from that day, but that's it. I can't tell you what time I woke up, or what I had for breakfast. In fact, I can't tell you a lot about that day, other than what I was doing at the moment I heard about the twin towers and what I thought about then. I remember I was working in my backyard pulling weeds from a flower bed, when I heard a large boom. We lived in Pennington back then, which is about 50 - 60 miles from New York by road. Likely closer by how the crow flies. When I heard the boom, I remember thinking that they must have been blasting at the quarry up the road. That wasn't the case though. Soon after I heard it, my wife came to get me and told me my dad had called and said to turn on the TV, a plane had hit one of the twin towers. I remember going through the basement door and down the stairs to the TV and watching the news. My mom was over the house helping us with one of our many projects since we had just bought the house and were remodeling it ourselves. My wife, was 8 months pregnant with our first child. If those tragic moments in New York had not happened, I likely would not remember anything from that day. Everything we were doing was just too ordinary. Instead, two planes blast into the world trade center, another hits the pentagon and one more crashed in Pennsylvania and all of a sudden, I remember what I was doing at that moment. I also remember what I was thinking at the time. Buildings don't have to collapse to create a moment to remember. In fact, most of my memories are pleasant. Sure some arguments make it into the old memory slots...but most of what I remember is pleasant. The sound of wind blowing through the trees while I am hiking in the fall...the tug on the line when I hook into a nice-sized fish. My daughter grabbing my finger right after she is born and she is just being handed to me by the nurse. She was so small...I was afraid I would hurt her by accident because she was so small and I was big and had rarely held a baby before. Then Maddie grabbed my finger, and I knew how gentle I had to be. My life is made of moments. Others can remember the import of a date. I'll hold my moments. Grabbing my wife's hand on the beach that night many years ago. Holding her as she took her final breaths. The joy of bringing my daughters into the world. The grief in having my wife die too damn soon. These are the moments that make up my life. And live in my memories. Little glimpses of smiles, words said in jest...or in all seriousness. These are the things that we cling to. They bring joy to us in the future when someone brings them up, or sadness if we reflect on the sorrowful ones when we are alone too much. Let historians remember the day...and distort truth to fit their world view. I'll remember the moments that have meaning to me. Laughter among friends, a good meal with family and learning something new while reading a book all stay in my head. Thoughts of people I once knew and who meant the world to me, who I have now not seen in over forty years. The moments are there, but the dates are not. Think back on your life, and then think about history. Stuffed with facts, figures, and exact dates. Tell me, how much of it do you think is bullshit? Probably most of it. Yet its there, and I will loosely teach it to my daughters...but more so to use as context for other lessons I've rambled enough here. To put it in perspective, my life is made up of many moments. The exact dates are unimportant. Sometimes dates are important (you never want to forget a child's birthday!). Most are not. Can I tell you the exact date I bought the house I now sit in? Nope. In fact, I can't even tell you the year. It's just not important to me. I am here now and there are more important things to remember than a specific day or year. Remember the meaningful moments in your life, both good and bad and you will go far towards living a fulfilled life with few regrets. Mishaps are like knives, they either serve us or cut us, as we grasp them by the blade or the handle." That is a quote from James Russell Lowell. He was an abolitionist during the 19th century, who also wrote poetry. I thought it was fitting to use a quote from him today for two reasons.
First, I am teaching my daughter about the civil war at the moment, and I thought that it was amusing that I was using a quote from an abolitionist poet. I look the person up after I find a quote I like, so I did not know he was an abolitionist or a poet until after the fact. My daughter writes poems nearly every day, so the coincidence amused me! Secondly, I usually just look up quotes on the internet. Today, I saw a Dictionary of Quotations sitting on my credenza and I decided to browse through it a little bit. Inside, was a slip of paper with quotes written on it in my wife's handwriting. It was like a little note from the past. The above quote was one of the ones she had written down. It's now just over two years since her death (shows you how often I clean my office!) and I noticed that many of the quotes she had written down seem to relate to either me or her. So, how you may ask do the quotes pertain? Well, the above quote for instance, reminds me of the event that was the beginning of the end of our marriage. The trouble began when my wife got a DWI. We initially tried to use the event to serve us. I negotiated with the judge to have my wife put into an in-patient program to get her help with her alcoholism. She wouldn't go on her own, but I knew she would go if it would keep her out of jail. The judge agreed and she was placed in a 28-day in-patient program at Phoenix House in Keene. Unfortunately, my wife grabbed that same "knife" by the blade. Instead of using that time to get a jump on getting sober, on the day of her release from the program, she left the grounds and went out and bought alcohol and came back to the recovery home to wait for me to pick her up. When I brought her home, she had the alcohol and continued to get drunk. She was pregnant at the time, with our second child, so it was a dangerous situation. When she got drunk, she miss-stepped, fell, and broke her ankle. She was close to full term and the doctors decided that it would be safest to deliver the baby two weeks premature to protect her from anymore exposure to alcohol. After the delivery, things only got worse with more episodes, all of which put our children at risk. Each of these "mishaps" were also grabbed by the blade by my wife. The cuts were deep, and eventually led to her death. I really don't want to get into all of the things that happened. Let's just say that addiction is a travesty and that it can ruin more lives than just the life of the person suffering the addiction. With that said, when a mishap happens to you, try to find a way to have it serve you. Not every mishap will be a life or death situation. Lose a job? Find a better one! Break up with your girlfriend? Find a better one. A lot of things happen to us in life. Try to make anything that happens have a positive result. It's easy to let a bad thing happen and not get a lesson from it. Look for the lesson! It's there! My wife used to say, we are all put on this earth for a reason and that there is a reason for what happens to us. I fail to see the reason my wife had to die so young. I have learned from it though. Many lessons. Some, I wish I could forget, but I do get some benefit from the others. I'll finish this post with another quote that was on my wife's little note from the past. "Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It puts out the little, and it kindles the great." Roger de Bussy Robutin The final one I will mention here is: "It is difficulties that show what men are." I wonder what my difficulties show me to be in my wife's eyes. |
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