I want to write this post as a follow-up to what my dad wrote earlier. He wrote about how people you'd never expect CAN change your life... I'd like to write about how some DO change your life, but do so without realizing it. Before I launch into my writing, however, I wanted to share a poem by Sonia Schroeder.
My Special List I have a list of folks I know, all written in a book. And every now and then, I go and take a look. That is when I realize these names are a part, not of the book they're written in, but written in my heart. For each name stands for someone, who has crossed my path sometime. And in that meeting have become the reason and the rhyme. Although it sounds fantastic for me to take this claim, I really am composed of each remembered name. Although you are not aware of any special link, knowing you has shaped my life more than you think. So please don't think my greeting, as just a mere routine. Your name was not forgotten in between. For when I send a greeting that is addressed to you, it is because you're on the list of folks I am indebted to. I love the poem in every way, not ONLY for it's smoothness but for its honesty. Too many people do walk into your life and then become friends with you... and don't realize the impact they have made on your life, either negative OR positive. I've been on both sides of this as the friend that feels unappreciated or doesn't know their level of appreciation, AND as the friend who lets the other know they're appreciated. Confused yet? Let me explain. Type A - The friend who doesn't know how much they mean or how much of a positive impact they've had on someone's life Type B - The friend whose friend made a positive impact on them, but doesn't realize it. One of my friends was once texting me relatively late at night. She'd been having some friend troubles, so I stayed up late to talk things through with her. Now, while I saw her as one of my close friends, I didn't really feel like I was THAT important to her or that I mattered too much. How I got this impression, I'm not quite sure... but suddenly, she interrupted our conversation to say that she was so happy that I was her friend and was extremely grateful that I always took the time to talk with her and share my own experiences to help her. She added that she truly trusted me and felt like she could tell me anything, and I replied I could say the same for her. Wow! I honestly couldn't believe it... but I was very happy. That simple text of honesty made my night. My whole day, in fact. Not enough people take time to let their friends know how much they appreciate them... which can leave some feeling under-appreciated and rather useless. Well, there was my example of being a Type A- but this inspired me to become a Type B. Since I knew how good hearing that had felt, I went to one of my best friends who I feel I don't tell I appreciate a lot and wrote her a similar text expressing my appreciation for her. Her level of happiness was so great that it in turn made me feel good... I guess she felt under-appreciated as well. My point is- sometimes, the smallest thing can make someone's day. You never know how their day has been going- for all you know, you could be saving them from doing something really stupid. I know I've done that to my friends before and they've told me weeks later that I helped them. It never fails to surprise me... moral of the story, always let people know how you feel about them- don't put it off 'til tomorrow, because for some; tomorrow never comes. And your words could actually help them attain that next tomorrow. Maddie
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Both heaven and hell reside inside us. They exist in our memories and influence a lot of what we say do and think. Sometimes, they exist side by side within a single memory. Do you have any memories that bring you both pleasure and pain? I do. And I can tell you they are the worst level of hell.
For me, it was the hours leading up to my wife's death. Sharon was in a coma and was dying. After they removed the life support, I held her in my arms until she passed away. I held her for six hours. I didn't want her to die alone. I didn't want her to feel afraid or feel abandoned. I was afraid to get up to go to the bathroom, because I did not want her to die while I was away taking a leak. I tried not to move her too much or shift my position because I didn't want her to wake up and realize what was happening to her and be afraid. I also didn't want her to see the horror on my face that she was dying. I didn't want her to know that it was killing a part of me too. If you never experienced something like that, I can tell you it is pure hell. And it doesn't go away. It stays with you and comes back up in your memories constantly. It makes you feel down, it brings grief at almost any moment. It ties into other memories as well and makes them worse... I remember the moment that Sharon died. I knew before the machine went off to alert the nurse. I was holding her and I heard a popping noise and just past her left shoulder I saw a bright light, which seemed to shoot out towards the hallway just on the other side of the privacy curtain. The nurse yelled to me that she had just died (an alarm went off at the nurses station), and I told her I knew. I got up then, and moved away from the bed. I stood for a moment looking at Sharon, feeling pity, grief, and the aches and pains from muscles that hadn't moved a lot in the past six hours. Sharon's eyes were closed. Mine were open. The nurse called to me from the nurses station asking me if I was going to be okay. I turned my head towards the hallway and said yes. It only took a moment, but when I turned back, Sharon's eyes were open. It looked like she was looking right at me. That moment also stays with me. It wasn't scary. It was like she was taking one last look at me. Was that look accusing? Thankful? Sorrowful? I'll never know. My rational mind tells me that muscles relax in death and that it was just a natural thing...but my unconscious mind still tries to put a meaning to the event So there is the hell. Where's heaven's grasp on that memory? I take solace in the fact that my wife didn't die alone. I spoke with her and prayed for her during that time. Aside from what she died from, I can think of no better way to die than in the arms of a person who loves you. I hope, when it is my turn to die, that her spirit comes back and holds me while I slip into the great beyond. When these memories start to overwhelm me, I try to think of all of the good things that came from our relationship. I think of my daughters, or our walk along the beach on the night we started dating. I think of fall days along the canal in Jersey or antiquing in rustic towns in Pennsylvania. I think of holding hands and the trace of an English accent that I could always hear no matter how much she tried to hide it. Heaven conquers hell and I can go on with my day. In Dante's Inferno, he writes of nine circles of hell and tells who he meets there. I think he was wrong on that. I think there are multiple levels of hell and no one lives there. Instead, we carry these little pockets of hell along with us while we live. It seems easy to add new levels, but much harder to erase them. At the same time, we also carry little bits of heaven along with us as well. We get to see them through our family, friends, and pets...or even while we are out alone in the woods. We live in our minds, and we meld our own destinies. Could there be real heaven and hells? Certainly! But we are all going to have to wait until we pass to see what they are like. I love this quote so much. I love the sheer idea of individuality and being yourself to be honest, because too often in life people get shut down or shut out because they feel like they can't be themselves. Most of this comes from people thinking they are required to live up to the expectations of their parents, or their friends, or just society in general.This is so false and it's unfortunate that so many people believe that you have to meet everyone's expectations.
The only one whose expectations you must meet are your own. You shouldn't worry about constantly pleasing others because if you do, then you'll become a puppet to others and lose your individuality entirely. By becoming a puppet, you try to please everyone, no matter what... you let them use you and control you. I've seen it happen to so many friends because they fear no one will like them. I say screw that... if people like you, they should like you for who you are, not who you pretend to be. Sure enough, this strategy works for me. I never fake who I am for anyone. I act completely natural and try to be relatively open... and I have a lot of amazing friends because of it. Yes, of course there are some people who don't particularly like me... but that's how it is going to be no matter what. There will always be people who try to frown upon you and drag you down... it is your choice to let them or not. Let's end with another quote! "Those who hate you either hate themselves, want to be you, or see you as a threat." Maddie Are you happy? Are you sure? Sometimes I think our definition of happiness could hold us back from enjoying life. What is happiness? I am not certain I know. The dictionary defines happiness as: "pleasure, joy, exhilaration, bliss, contentedness, delight, enjoyment, satisfaction." That's the problem right there. Many of those words have different meanings. In other words meanings other than what I have always considered happiness. In the past, when I have been content, I wasn't always happy. To me, I think I strive for bliss when I talk about being happy. Bliss is unalloyed happiness or supreme delight. I find I can be content without being in a state of bliss. Does that mean I can be content while still not being happy? I guess it does, by those standards.
And yet, I don't consider myself an unhappy person. I am happiest when I am striving for something. When I am focused on achieving a goal I set for myself. It doesn't matter if the goal is a monetary goal, physical or mental. As long as I have a goal that I truly want to achieve, I am happier than I would be without the goal. I like the feeling I get when I crawl a little bit closer to achieving my goal. On the flip side, I feel unhappy when time passes and I have not made any progress towards my goals. One problem that I have is that I sometimes set too many goals. When I do this, I am almost always unhappy until I complete some of my goals and then have more time to spend on the other goals. It also sometimes annoys me when other people's goals sometimes interfere with goals of my own. They ask me to do something (which is not really unreasonable) but it encroaches on time I put to the side to do something else. I usually try to accommodate them, but it is not always possible to do it as quickly as they would like. When this happens, I feel doubly bad, because not only does it encroach on my time, but it also doesn't give them immediate gratification either. I have come to the conclusion that I will rarely be in a state of bliss...and I am okay with that. Instead, I look for happiness in being content. Did I get a little closer to my goals today? Then I am happy. Did I get through the day without too much pain from my knee or other arthritic areas? Yes? Then I am content. Being content is the next best thing to being blissful in my opinion. Other than when I was really young, I can think of only two times in my entire life when I was blissful... or to me, happy by my old definition. It took me many years to realize that those moments were not what happiness was all about. Was it great to be blissful? Yes. But that wasn't real happiness. I realized this when I started looking back at things I did in my life with a sense of satisfaction that I had done this or that or had experienced this thing or that. I realized that that sense of satisfaction was a happiness of a different type. Am I happy all the time? No. But I am happy often and I don't think I am a downer at all. To sum it up, recognize that there are different types of happiness. Find the ones that you experience the most. See why you experience them and then work from there. At the moment I am very happy. Earlier, when I started writing this posts, I was down. In between those times I was upset. I then went out to the park with my daughters (which makes them happy). In turn, I relaxed on a bench, saw my daughters' happiness, and then I too became happier. Sometimes, its easy to become happy through those around you. Look for happiness, and you will find it. It may not be bliss, but then again if you experienced bliss every moment of the day, you'd find that that would no longer be bliss either since it would become common place. To recognize happiness, you must also be able to recognize what is not. It took me a while to realize that. But now that I have, I am happier for it. I love quotes that manage to incorporate metaphors... and this is one of the best. It's extremely motivational, and so true as well. Almost a mini-manifesto for life. I'd like to break down each segment of this quote, almost like what I did with my last post.
Focus on what's important It's always important to know that when life seems to be filled with worry, trouble and hardships to remember what is important to you. I'm going to steal a quote from a James Patterson book to insert here, as I think it is semi-relevant to the point I'm trying to make: "Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them - work, family, health, friends and spirit and you're keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls - family, health, friends and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life." In short, you have to remember that events in life usually are not too important. You have to remember that it isn't the little NUISANCES that matter. Or the large ones. What matters is your family, friends, health, and spirit. Capture the good times Too often, we focus ENTIRELY on the negative and never on the good times in our life. We need to learn to cherish these times of happiness. They may not be large, but they DO impact our lives for the better if we choose to remember them and appreciate them as they are and not expect every day to have a grand, large moment of happiness. Every moment can be happy if you choose to make it so, and find the silver lining in every cloud. Develop from the negatives In everything bad, there is something good- some lesson we can learn. Granted, we can learn from good situations too, but the lessons are often times not as valuable as what we learn through darker situations. This part of the quote can be taken one of two ways- either learn from mistakes and take lessons from bad situations, OR develop as in move on from bad times and look ahead to a more optimistic future. Take another shot This is the key point of this quote. Life goes on... and if you mess up once, you can have another try. Usually. However, if we want to continue the metaphor and use a picture as a metaphor for life... we are given one chance. So we should use it wisely and make good choices... so that at the end of our days, we can look at the picture and feel happy and accomplished, as if we don't need to take another. Maddie "Grades don't measure intelligence and age doesn't define maturity." I think this is something that everyone needs to remember. The other day I met a woman who doesn't like the fact that her daughter knows someone who is older than her. I couldn't tell this from just chatting with her for the two minutes when I met her. I found this out after the fact when my daughter told me that she was upset that her daughter actually knew someone who was of working age.
Making someone hang out with people only their own age seems very limiting to me, particularly when we are talking about teenagers. People mature differently depending on their experiences. To hold someone back just because of their age is just silly.Now, does that mean I think that a thirteen year old should date someone three or four years older than her? Absolutely not. But to just know the person? I don't think that is a crime. I have news for you people, the only place where age is an issue is within the current school system. In the schools, the grades are cordoned off by age, The date you are born is strictly used to say when you start kindergarten. You are then kept in your grade, regardless of how well you are doing. If you get good grades, they don't move you up to where your intelligence level is, No, they tell you you are doing great and keep you in the same grade as others who may not be learning as quickly. Instead of teaching children to achieve all that they can, they hold back learning for some so that all may progress together. No where else in your life are you going to find anything else like this...unless you work a union job of course! In a union, all are paid the same for the same type of work. If you are twice as productive as the next person, you don't get paid any more and they don't get paid any less. Thus, there is no incentive for people to work harder. In home schooling my children, I try to teach them to do their best and to learn at their own pace. instead of cramming their heads full of facts, I try to teach them to think. Sure, they still get a lot of work that involves facts, the curriculum I try to follow is very heavy in math and writing. I also try to keep them up to date with history and science. For the most part, though, I try to give them a lot of subjects that they are interested in. I want them to be interested in learning new things...and writing about what interests them...not so much me. My daughters each have friends that are older and younger than they are. Although Maddie is thirteen, most of her friends are fifteen and sixteen. She has both male and female friends. Later on in life, She will be exposed to people both younger and older than her. Why should it be any different now? To sum up this rant, my daughters are very intelligent, yet neither one of them has ever received a grade. Many of Maddie's friends think she is sixteen or seventeen, until she tells them her age. To put it in perspective, Maddie is smarter and more mature than some of the adults I know. She no longer plays with toys really, and to force her to choose friends her own age would be doing her a disservice. When she meets someone who has similar interests and they become friends, age is one of the last things on her mind. In fact, one of her most recent friends is about a month younger than she is. They are friends because of what they have in common and because they enjoy each other's company...not because they are the same age. Did you ever force yourself to do something very difficult because you knew that ultimately, it was the right thing to do? I have. I won't say what it was I did, but I will tell you that right after you do it you get the feeling that you have bit off more than you can chew, and you scramble to make more changes to make your original act work.
From experience, I'll tell you that the complexity of doing the right thing, grows in proportion to the time you have spent doing the wrong thing. I can think of a few simple examples that don't pertain to what is bothering me this morning, but that will allow you to see what I am angling at. Think of the last time you got lost. There comes a point in the trip where you realize that you made a mistake. At that point, did you turn around until you reached the place where you actually made the mistake? Or did you just plow ahead, figuring you would make a new short cut? Well, I just did this one! I was heading to Nashua following directions from Map Quest. I was looking for a specific road and as I was driving, a sign at the side of the road said junction 113 next left. Well, I made the next left and the road looked like an old farm road. My daughter and I both recognized that it didn't seem right, yet I kept plowing along anyway, figuring that I would hit a cross street that would link up with the road I wanted to be on. I mean, come on, the road was supposedly running parallel with where I wanted to go anyway! To make a long story short, the road took me nearly all the way back to where I started from. I ended up adding thirty minutes to my trip going back to the way I usually went to Nashua. The short cut Map Quest promised, actually made my trip longer! There are two ways to look at my mistake. 1. My mistake was looking for a shorter way to go, when I already knew a route that would accomplish my goal. This is the wrong way of looking at it. Man is always looking for short cuts to make his life simpler and save time. Think about the time we save by using cars versus walking? The second way is the correct way to look at my mistake. 2. My mistake was that after realizing that I made a mistake (withing the first 45 seconds of being on the road), I didn't turn around right away and correct it. If I had turned around and looked for the proper turn, I likely would have found it and saved myself 30 minutes. Did I get to my destination? Yes. Did it take me longer than it would have if I had turned around? Yes. The moral here is that pride goeth before a fall. Okay, that was a simple example of what I was talking about. The more I refused to deal with the error I made, the longer it took me to actually get where I wanted to go. This example is not as life altering as what is actually bothering me, though. Here is a better example, yet also not the "thing" I am speaking of. For years I lived an unhealthy life style. I drank heavily, overate and smoked cigars. Deep down, I knew these "choices" were unhealthy, and yet I kept doing them anyway. At one point, I weighed nearly 300 pounds. I gave up drinking in 1999 and smoking cigars in 2003. I started working out in 2006 and watching what I eat in 2010. My weight is now back to the mid 240's, but my goal is 200 pounds, about what I weighed in high school. The sad part is that I realized I was making bad decisions when I was back in college, and yet my response was a half-hearted vow to improve when I was older. The truth of the matter is that the struggle to get back into shape seems to be in direct proportion to the amount of time that I was making bad choices. I drank for a little over twenty years before giving it up. Sixteen years later, I still have a "beer" gut. Sadly (in one sense anyway), I realize now as I near fifty that I am in better shape now, than I was when I was in my early twenties. While that is a good thing, it also points to how far astray I was from a healthy lifestyle back then. Was it hard getting back into shape in my mid 40's? Yes, but it is also rewarding.When you do a hard thing, and it is also the right thing, good things cascade from your decision. My decision to start taking karate with my daughter (which I did for a reason other than to get back into shape) has been a life changer for me. I am in better shape, I have started to make healthier choices in regards to what I eat, it is great stress relief, and I have made a number of very good friends. Sometimes, the hardest thing IS the right thing! My advice: If you have something in front of you that you know is right, but you are afraid to start it because it is hard...start it anyway. I am not moralizing here. I just know from experience that problems just don't go away on their own. In fact, they grow in direct proportion to the amount of time that you ignore them. What is hard for you today, will be harder for you tomorrow after the problem gets larger. Make a habit of doing the right thing now, and you will find that doing the right thing always will be easier for you tomorrow. Today as I scrolled through Facebook, I came across an interesting post that one of my aunts had shared. I found it to be very true and also good advice for many, and I'd like to share it here.
"A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they'd be asked the "half empty or half full" question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: "How heavy is this glass of water?" Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz. She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn't change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything." Remember to put the glass down." I think this is great. It's an awesome metaphor... and it gives good advice that I think a lot of my friends should follow (hence why I tagged about 15 of them in the comments of the post). Too often, we stress out over the smallest things... and then let the small problems build up and lead into big problems. Big problems tend to cause even more stress, which can lead to longer lasting problems such as depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, migraines and even premature heart attacks. For example... my grandma lets herself get worked up over small and insignificant things. If I leave one piece of laundry on the floor of my room, she flips. If the house doesn't get vacuumed to her standards every week, she gets into a bad mood. These things are so small and so easily fixed, yet she lets them determine her mood for the rest of the day. I often say to pay attention to the little things in life... but I don't mean the little things to make you miserable! If you set large things as what determines if you are happy or not, you are going to lead a sad life. In the end, it all winds down to you and the choices you make. You can wake up in the morning every day and choose to be happy, or choose to be grumpy... which do you choose? I am happy... and I am also happy with my choice. Maddie Today, my Dad and I took a long trip to Manchester and on the way had a very... detailed talk about making choices. I love the fact that I can talk to him openly about everything, and he will give me good advice and tips. Our talk today was enlightening, but for the sake of privacy I'd rather not add insight to it. Instead, I've found 3 quotes that pertain to what we were talking about that I find quite inspiring and I'd like to share them with you.
The other day on Facebook a friend of mine posted the above snippet. While I understand the sentiments behind the post, I felt it unfairly cast teenagers as troublemakers and irresponsible. I thought this was odd since the teenagers I know are not troublemakers and are for the most part, fairly intelligent young people. In fact, I normally find that it is the adults who are the main troublemakers in most communities. Still, I thought the advice to "Go home, mow the lawn, wash the windows, learn to cook, build a raft, get a job, visit the sick, study your lessons and then, when you are done, to read a book" was pretty good advice anyway... Not just for the teenagers, but for people in general. So many people seem to want to blame teenagers for their town's troubles. While some teens do turn into bad apples, oftentimes the apple doesn't fall far from the tree! Rather than blame teens and feel self righteous by positing the above snippet without context, I thought it would be better to aim it at all people. In some sense, I was defending my daughter and her friends also, since I find many of them to be good eggs and hard and industrious workers.Thus, I wrote a comment to that effect. Here is what I said: "This should be called Words For Everybody and in the text change the word "teenager" to people. It should then be posted in every bar and coffee house and played on TV once every fifteen minutes. Could this be good advice for some teenagers? Sure. But I think its even better advice for many adults." Well, I think my remark must have hit close to home for at least one person. Here is what the very next person who left a comment had to say: " It's REALLY good advice for all of the adults who, as teenagers, believed the lied from adults who told them that if they just work hard in school, go to college, get a degree, and work hard in life, they would be successful and financially secure with happy families and bright futures. Then, after decades of hard work and life-crippling school loan debt, now in their mid-forties, those teenager come adults realized that all of those adults lied to them. Oops. Yeah. GREAT advice. Wish someone had given it to me." I hit a bulls-eye! This was exactly the type of person I was thinking about when I defended the teens! Here is a person who doesn't want to take responsibility for their own life. It is so much easier to blame others. "I am lazy, unsuccessful and unhappy because I was lied to! It's the adults who came before me that are at fault for my failures!" There are so many things inherently wrong with the person's reply that I will just try to hit a couple of key points.
First, how does the advice "Go home, mow the lawn, wash the windows, learn to cook, build a raft, get a job, visit the sick, study your lessons and then, when you are done, read a book" turn into "lied (typo is on purpose...it is actually what they wrote) from adults who told them that if they just work hard in school, go to college, get a degree, etc. etc etc?" It takes a gigantic leap to get from one set of advice to the other. Secondly, if the comment writer did receive that advice, and it didn't work out, it certainly doesn't mean that the adults lied to him in the first place! It could have just been advice that didn't work out. Times change! Good advice from one era doesn't necessarily work in the next. There was a massive shift in the economy over the past sixty years. Many jobs have become obsolete, and new technology has also made many jobs redundant. The advice this person got could have been really good advice at the time it was given, but in the end did not work out as planned. Given the bitterness in their reply, I suspect there is more going on there than just that anyway. The bottom line is, it doesn't matter what advice this person received or didn't receive. It doesn't really matter if they were lied to or not. As adults (and yes, even as teenagers) it is our own decisions that define us. I am responsible for everything that I do or have done since graduating high school. To be honest, I am responsible for many thing from even before I graduated. Regardless of how my life turned out, I am responsible. Secondly, every day you wake up with a new start! If you don't like the way your life is going, change it! Hate your job? Find a new one! Better yet, start your own business! The problem is, people don't want to hear that. It is so much easier to blame someone else. Then go sit in front of the tube or get another beer. The "Judge" was absolutely right to give that advice to young troublemakers. He would even be more justified to give it to older troublemakers as well! One final thought. Not every one who went to college saw no benefit from it. I saw tremendous benefit from mine. I also worked my ass off after college though too. You get out of life what you put into it. If your view on life is that I got a degree, now pay me a lot while I do little. Then I believe you will end up sorely disappointed...similar to the person who wrote the response to my comment. Take responsibility for your decisions in life. If you make a mistake, correct it as soon as possible. No one needs to remain unhappy. Take action, and change your outlook. No one is going to give it to you. You need to do it for yourself. Since I have done this type of post before with another of John Green's books, Looking For Alaska, I figured I would do it with The Fault In Our Stars as well. So, without further ado- here are some of my favorite quotes from the book and why I like them.
I am looking out my window right now and two colors hit me. Green and grey. The green really pops out at me today due to the absence of any other bright color. The trees and grass are bright green, whether it be a light or dark green and it is really beautiful.
The grey is also beautiful. The sky (It's a rainy day here), the rocks (I do live on a mountain in New Hampshire, you know) and the bark of the different trees all look grey today. It's alright, though.Sometimes you need the grey to see the other beauty in your life...like all the green. Sometimes, I think we live our lives in shades of grey. Think back on your day yesterday. What really stands out to you? For me, it's the times when I had a smile on my face. The rest of the day was like an old, black and white movie. The part that comes through with the most clarity and color was my ride to karate class with Ashleigh. My daughters have a way of putting a smile on my face. Yesterday was a perfect example. When I got in the car I was a bit uptight. I had a lot of work to do at home and I felt I was running late for getting to class on time (I wasn't...we actually got there 15 minutes early). In fact, I will go as far as to say I was grumpy. As we pulled out of the driveway, I started telling Ashleigh that I wanted her to focus in class and that I wanted to run her through her forms once we got to the dojo before class. Ashleigh turned to me and with a smile on her face said that she would and ok. Me, being grumpy, I got the distinct feeling that she was yessing me to death, and I asked her if she knew what focus meant. She said, "yes, to pay attention."" I then asked her to define pay attention. With her bottom lip quivering, she looked at me and said "I don't really know...does it mean focus?" The look on her face, and her answer just made my heart melt. I told her "Yes it does." and the smile she gave me just lifted my entire mood for the rest of the day! We both busted out laughing at that point, and my life was once again filled with color. For the rest of the trip, the world was colorful again. At one point, I tried to sing her a song (because I know she likes that), she stopped me and said, "Daddy I'd rather talk right now.", and for the rest of the trip she told me what she saw. She didn't see the factory we passed, the wet road or the other cars... But she did see the cows in the field, the birds flying overhead and the pretty flowers in front of a house that was well off the road. She did take note of the ice cream store, and a number of large puddles and a truck that went by that was her favorite color. As she described all these things that pleased her, my day went from black and white and shades of grey, to a colorful panorama of beauty. The feeling stayed with me throughout the rest of the day. Now, as I sit looking out of my office window, that one little memory brings back the beauty of those moments. The greens seem much brighter to me now than they did a few minutes ago when I started this post. Thank you Ashleigh, for teaching Daddy another lesson. The world is a very big place, but in any given moment you can choose what you want to see. My daughter chooses to see beauty and happiness. She keeps things simple and actively looks for the things that make her happy. What a wonderful way to be! Living life with color...and beating back the shades of grey. So many people seem to walk around unhappy. They can never seem to find out why either! Each day, they walk around looking for ways to distract themselves from their unhappiness. Some watch TV, others drink. Some eat and some shop or travel or use the internet excessively. In sum, we are all guilty at one time or another of looking for distractions.
I find that the more I allow myself to be distracted, the more bored I get and the more unhappy I become. Sometimes it is hard to keep focused on the things that lead to happiness. I find that happiness, for the most part, takes effort. The more effort I exert towards my goals and aspirations, the happier I get! I know this and yet... Why do I and others spend so much time looking for distractions? For me, I use the internet as a distraction. Although all of my work is delivered over the internet, not all of my time on the internet is work related. I enjoy watching funny videos, playing video games, interacting with people and reading articles on multiple topics on the internet. Literally, over half of my day is spent on the internet either working or reading! Why? What am I trying to avoid? I already know that I am happier when I am working towards one of my many goals... I feel better after doing 100 push ups or after hitting the bag. I love to fish and/or go hiking with my daughters. I have all types of little projects set up in my mind to do. And yet, I struggle to set a time to do any of them. What is holding me back? I suspect that it is a deeply hidden fear or feeling of inadequacy that must be doing it. I don't know that for a fact, but I am thinking that that could be it considering that is what it is for many people. What would happen if I hit all my goals? Would I be happy? Somehow, I doubt it. Would I be happier than I am right now? Most likely I would be. So what is holding me back? I think it could be a lack of a specific plan. How do I get from here to there? The leap from point A to point B seems to be too far. So how do I get there? Mini goals! But to make mini goals I need to think. And thinking seems to be what the distractions are for. Don't think! Watch this funny video. A laugh will make the sadness go away...but it doesn't. Not really anyway. In the end, make a plan. Then take the steps in that plan and make a plan on how to achieve each step. Finally, work on those steps! So what am I working on today? Finish my work work first. Then go to karate class for Ashleigh and then a class for Maddie and myself. At some point, write down a plan for achieving my plans. That is my plan for today. With any luck, I can do all of that without distracting myself too much. With that said, I wonder if there is anything good waiting for me in my email... Distractions, the quickest way to remain unhappy. My Manifesto
By Madison Nef A manifesto is essentially a list of rules that each person follows in their own life… whether you are conscious of yours or not, everyone has one. Here is mine. Maddie’s Manifesto 1). Laugh and laugh often. I think that laughing is an important part of life. As children, we laugh about 1000 times a day on average… and as we get older, our “laugh count” decreases. I love to laugh and to make others laugh and hope to never lose this aspect of myself. 2). Treat others as equals until they give you a reason to treat them as anything more or anything less. Everyone should be treated with the same amount of kindness and respect unless they do something to you that proves they shouldn’t be given the average amount. 3). Enjoy the little things. Little joys in life are too often taken for granted. Small things, like taking time to notice nature or enjoying a walk on your own can make a big difference if you’re having a bad day- always take time to smell the roses. 4). Smile. Simple as it is- smile! It releases dopamine into the brain every time you smile, triggering your mind to think and be happier. 5). Be yourself. Always be who YOU are, not what someone wants you to be. Don’t fake it for anyone- if someone can’t take you as you are, they aren’t a good friend or companion to keep around. 6). Don’t change for anyone. This ties into my 5th rule- if someone wants you to change for them, that isn’t good. Unless this change can and will benefit you mentally or physically, or if you’re just being a real moron… okay, correction. IF someone tries to force you to be more like them… don’t trust them and don’t change who you really are for anyone. 7). Peace over power. Never initiate fights, both verbal and physical. Keep at peace with someone. However, if someone attacks you in either way… rip them to shreds. You shouldn’t take that bull from anyone. 8). Let your feelings be known. If you love someone, let them know. Never mask your true feelings from anyone… never be fake. If you don’t like someone, don’t associate with them. It’s as simple as that. If you love someone, tell them. You never know what day will be your last… or someone else’s for that matter. 9). Take time for yourself. Give yourself at least 30 minutes of down-time each day. This means no communication with ANYONE- just drop off the face of the earth for a bit. Turn of any and all electronics and go do something- hike, sleep, read that book, or maybe even cook and clean. Do something that YOU find relaxing. 10). Love yourself. This is my last rule of life and to me, it is the most important one. Before you expect others to love you, you must first learn to love yourself. Accept yourself for who you are- flaws and imperfections included. NOBODY is perfect, and everyone is going through life in the same confused way as the rest of us. Love your body and mind and don’t let ANYONE’S negativity delude you. YOU ARE AWESOME! Well… those are my rules for life. Hopefully, you can take them and apply them to your own life! Leave me YOUR manifesto in the comments below, or email me a reply. Maddie Ok, something new today! Below is a set of numbers. I want you to tell me what they have in common. Here it goes:
( [49.417], [18,031], [432,744], [25,964,640], [1,557,878,400] ) Here is a second set of numbers...so consider this a bonus question. I am just going to list these since they are very big numbers! 4,540,000,000 1,657,100,000,000 39,770,400,000,000 2,386,224,000,000,000 143,173,440,000,000,000 Any guesses yet? No? Ok, here is a single number that will be my second to last set of numbers (I promise!) Stay with me here, I am going somewhere with this. If you make it to the end, I think you'll like this post. If not, then you will likely leave thinking I am a weirdo. The number is .00000001088% Alright, I am going to tie them all together for you here. The first set of numbers is how long I have been alive: 49.417 years 18,031 days 432,744 hours 25,964,640 minutes 1,557,878,400 seconds The second set of numbers is how long the earth has existed (using the current accepted estimate of the earth's age). The final number is the percentage of time I have existed in relation to the age of the earth. When looked at in this manner, does it really matter how old you are? Is the world going to end if you sleep in for five more minutes? No. But we are trained not to look at time in this way aren't we? We are taught to believe that our time on this earth has meaning... and it does! The meaning it has isn't in relation to the age of the earth or our time on it, though. The meaning of our lives relates to what we do while we are here... what we do for ourselves and what we do for others. Being on this earth a few years longer than another matters little. I have met people much older than me who are fools, and I have met people younger than me who are much smarter! In either case, it matters little. I can learn from both. What impact are you having on the lives of the people around you? Are you helpful? Or a hindrance? What roles do you play in life? Are you a teacher or sensei? Are you a student or loafer? A likable drunk or a drunken menace? An old soul or newly awakened? We can be all of these things at different times. What I believe is important is that we strive to better ourselves. Enhance our good qualities, while trying to limit our faults. Teach good habits and try to learn new things every day! So in a world of numbers, which number have the most meaning for me? They are: 5,116 4,971 1,922 The first is the number of days Sharon and I were together before she died. The second is the number of days that my daughter Madison has been alive, while the third is the number of days that Ashleigh has been alive. I pray that the second and third numbers continue to rise during my lifetime! Not to ramble too much, but if you want your time to be meaningful, then teach. Teach those you care about what you know! Teach those you don't care about those things as well! In the end, don't be like Roy Batty, one of the Replicants in Blade Runner. At the end of his time he lamented: "I've seen things you people wouldn't believe! Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion... I watched C beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time...like tears in rain. Time to die!" One of my pet peeves is people who don't think. I know, I know, everyone thinks. That may be true, but not everyone thinks deeply, or about important things. I know people where the extent of their thinking is essentially where is the next party going to be. Yes, they work, and they do their job adequately. However, they look forward to five o'clock and they are constantly checking the clock to make sure they don't spend even a minute more than they have to. Once it hits 5:00, it's time for a drink...or time to watch TV or (add your own thing here). They never think about what the future will bring, or how they can make their present better other than to just say I need to make more money!
Thinking deeper will get them further! How exactly, are you planning to make more money? Are you going to look for a higher paying job? Start a business? Gamble? Nope, it never gets that far. How about, "How can I make my life happier? Or my spouse happier? Or my kids? Thinking deeper will get them answers to those problems. Yet they don't and won't do it! I have to admit, I am guilty of shallow thinking sometimes also. Everyone gets into a rut from time to time. The trick is to recognize it and take steps to break it. Recently, I have made a plan to break out of the rut I am in. Slowly but surely, I am doing it! There were a lot of things that had reached rut status for me. One by one I am taking steps to break out of the ruts. Slowly, it is happening. I have made a number of plans and have started to take steps towards each. The actions are slow and methodical because I still have responsibilities away from my goals. Even so, each week I see some progress. I already feel better about myself, even before the plans have led to major changes. Overall, I am becoming happier just from taking steps in the right direction. I have set goals and I am working towards achieving them. Think people! I mean really think about what makes you happy. Once you know, make a plan to achieve that happiness on a regular basis! If you have a large goal. like I want to make $1 million dollar a year (not one of my goals), then make sure you set smaller goals on the way to that main goal so that you don't get frustrated. Then stick to your plan. I am psyched up today. Yet I have done very little towards my goal yet. Once it hits 5:00 I have two things planned toward working towards my goals. The anticipation of working on those goals is making me happy. Think! Set some goals...with some little achievement markers on the way to your goal...and then go for it! You'll be happy you did! So, What's your plan to get happy? Share with me in a comment, and I will share some of my plan with you. Ever hear the phrase "Life's a game!"? It really is. No matter what you decide to do in life, there is competition and more importantly decisions to be made. Although not every decision leads to a life or death situation, some do. And any decision you make could change the course of your life. When I was younger, I had a friend who left a job at UPS to go work for a small fog light manufacturer with an office in New Jersey. The job didn't pay well, but when the company decided to open a plant in Georgia and close their New Jersey office, he decided to move with the job to Georgia. At the time I couldn't understand his decision. The company was a German manufacturer, so he was essentially moving from one satellite office to another...for the same low pay.
What I had failed to see was that he was moving to get a jump start on a new life. Without a college education, Jersey holds little appeal for a manual laborer without a lot of drive. Your pay is low, while your taxes and cost of living are high. To make matters worse, the type of house you can buy while making less than $50,000 a year are appallingly small and old. In hindsight, my friend was moving to improve his prospects in life. Regardless how much he made, his cost of living dropped dramatically, and he got a chance to create a new life for himself where no one knew him. Essentially, he could move down there and be whoever he wanted to be. No one would question his actions if his style of dress changed or if how he acted changed. In essence he took a chance to start over. Well played dude! Have you ever ran into someone you knew in high school or some other time frame in your life who didn't seem to change at all? How sad. I have met a number of people like that. They live in the past. They say hello and the first thing out of their mouth is "hey, do you remember that time...(and add your own stupid story)". When I run into someone I haven't seen in a while, I like to find out how they are doing now...not what drunken foolishness they did twenty years ago. Living in the past is a bad life move. There is so much out there to see and do. No need to relive the past over and over again. Yet we all do it. For myself, I think of my dead wife often. Nothing I can do can bring her back. By thinking of her, I sometimes feel like I hold myself back from meeting new people. No, I am not talking about getting married again. At this point, I have no desire to.At the same time, I do like to meet new people and do fun things. By living in the past, I sometimes feel like I steal from the present and limit my future. Like it or not, life is a game. Everything you do can make it a happy game, or a sad game. A healthy game or a deadly one. Not moving forward with your life is similar to skipping a turn. Life is very short. The best advice I can give you...or myself, is to not skip any turns. Life if for the living! Take some chances to improve your situation. To my daughters: Smile at the boy you like! Have a kind word for everyone. Avoid people you don't like...even if, and especially if you don't know why you don't like them. Life is a game, play smart and be happy. I just read an article on the internet that made me think about my own life a bit. The woman in the article spoke about giving up a $95,000 a year job in Manhattan to buy a one-way ticket to St. Johns in the Caribbean. When she left, she had no job to go to and knew no one on the island. She ended up selling ice cream at an ice cream parlor for $10 an hour. No, I have no plans to up and move to the islands! What made me think of my life was my decision to eschew a corporate job and start my own business...and then move to New Hampshire, well away from the financial capital of the world where most of my contacts worked. Similar to the woman in the article, my wife and I knew no one in New Hampshire. Unlike the woman in the article, we didn't give up the cash for our move...I lost that later! I must say that the move to New Hampshire was within the top five things that I have done in my life (my daughters are the best thing I have ever done!). The environment is beautiful, the people are nice, and we get to experience the best of all four seasons! That's a picture we took from the top of one of the local mountains. I truly can't imagine a more beautiful area to live in!
Anyway, back to the story. Sometimes a move can be just what the doctor ordered. I know that when we moved, we wanted to move somewhere that was less crowded and had a lower tax rate. We also wanted to make sure that where ever we moved, we wanted to have cable internet service so that I could conduct my business over the internet. As far as we planned, our plan worked! Sharon's illness was the curve ball I didn't see coming...we'll leave that for another blog post. For this post, I'd just like to say that the woman in the article I read transformed her life. She wasn't happy in Manhattan and felt like she was just spinning her wheels. She wanted her life to become simpler. We all have our own paths to follow. In the end, sometimes I think that following your heart isn't necessarily a bad thing. Just make sure that you use your head too. Dreams can come true, if you plan your way there. Today, I want to talk about change... and how it is always happening. My inspiration for this post is my friend, who recently was having a tough time dealing with changes (mainly in his friends) in his life. He has been getting stressed out about it, and I just wanted to write this as almost a clarification.
Change happens constantly. To all of us... particularly our friends, over the years. Hell, in a WEEK you can notice change in your friends. No one stays the same forever, and as time goes on, you WILL find yourself drifting away from your friends. People make their own choices in life... choices that are THEIRS and not yours to control. You make your own choices as well, and with these choices, you will sometimes lose friends. One of my friends began dating a girl, and he lost his best friend because of it... jealousy is one hell of an emotion. However, it was HIS choice to begin dating the girl, and his friend (if she truly was his friend) should not have just ditched him because of it... you don't do that to a friend. It was his choice, not hers, and she made the decision to not have him in her life anymore because of it. Likewise, he made the decision to not make an effort to get her back as a friend. What it comes down to is we all have choices. They are OUR choices, and our's alone... but they often times affect those around us. Before we make a choice, we have to think about ourselves... but also those close to us, because our choices make changes, and change... change affects everyone. Maddie Ever hear of H.L. Mencken? I didn't think so. Mencken was a news paper reporter back in the 1920s who was known for his sharp tongue. Two of my favorite quotes are below"
"The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out... without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable." " The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary." I think those quotes speak for themselves. Remember, Mencken wrote in the 20's, 30's and 40's. Even so, he nailed today's politics perfectly. Some things never change! Could you imagine a main stream reporter writing like that now? Nowadays, people get their panties in a bunch if someone even slightly disagrees with them. In fact, I think its comical when people cringe when someone says something that is even a little bit off color. A couple of times I have been asked if I thought something I said offended anyone. I always respond no, and then ask loudly if anyone around me was offended by what I had just said. No one has ever said they were. We have free speech in this country people. I may not like everything you have to say, but I really don't care if you say it. Mencken felt strongly about free speech too. His thought on it is below: "My belief in free speech is so profound that I am seldom tempted to deny it to the other fellow. Nor do I make any effort to differentiate between the other fellow right and that other fellow wrong, for I am convinced that free speech is worth nothing unless it includes a full franchise to be foolish and even...malicious" Was Mencken perfect? Of course not. He had his silly ideas and beliefs as well. What I have to admire, however, is that he wrote daily for nearly fifty years! Imagine having the ability to write something interesting every day...for fifty years. Wow! I would have to think that some of that stuff just wasn't worth reading. Even so, people read it, because they were never sure when something he wrote would be pure gold. A lot of what this man wrote was great so it was well worth reading his bad I would think. Anyway, I have prattled on enough for one day. Who knows, maybe Mencken was thinking about an article similar to this one when he wrote the quote below. "The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal." Nuf Said! |
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