Today I read a book called ''Winnie the Pooh's A to Zzzz. In the book, they gave a funny story for each letter. Below, I will give a word for each letter. "A" is for Apple.
"B" is for Bear. "C" is for Caterpillar. "D" is for Daddy. "E" is for Egg. "F" is for Fox. ''G" is for Grapes. ''H'' is for Hot dogs. ''I' is for Igloo. ''J'' is for Jam. ''K''is for King . ''L'' is for Lollipop. ''M'' is for Mirror. ''N'' is for Nef. ''O''is for Orange. ''P'' is for Purple. ''Q'' is for Queen. ''U'' is for Umbrella. ''R'' is for Rest. ''S'' is for Star. ''T'' is for Tea. ''V''is for Vest. ''W''is for Water. ''X'' is for Xylophone. ''Y'' is for Yawn. ''Z''is for Zoo. Ashleigh
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"Alter your life by altering your thinking" This is a bastardized quote by William James. James was an early psychologist and a philosopher. Sounds like my kind of guy! He was one of the first teachers of psychology in the United States. He taught at Harvard from 1873 - 1907, but only part of those years were devoted to psychology. He was a strong proponent of functionalism in psychology and pragmatism in philosophy.
I like his quote because it is both simple and true. Before you can make any lasting changes in your life, you need to change your way of thinking. There are two ways that your thinking can change.
The first way I call the "Shit Happens" way of changing your life. These happen to all of us, whether we want them to or not. A good example of this type of change in thinking happens when you age. When you were younger, you may have liked to spend your day running. As you aged, you grew tired more easily and now you only run two times a week to stay in shape. Another example might be that when you were younger you really wanted to be an archaeologist. Yet your first job had nothing to do with archaeology and you just stayed within the industry you started in and are now stuck doing a job that, while you are good at it, bores the hell out of you! The second way of changing your life is more meaningful, in my opinion. This is when you consciously decide that something needs to change in your life and you actually take steps to change it. There are two important parts to this type of change. First, you need to actually think that a change is necessary, but more importantly, you need to act on those thoughts! Alter your thinking and you will alter your life! Te key is you really have to think differently though, starting with the thought that I must act on my thoughts for them to have any chance of changing my life. This is true for both the most minor changes as well as the monumental ones. Do you find yourself unhappy because your friends are? Every once in a while this is okay, since no one's life is always perfect, but if you find that certain friends are always bringing you down because they are never happy, then you need to consciously make an effort to avoid them for a while! Look, it can be hard enough to remain happy when it is just your own emotions assaulting you. If someone else is constantly whining and depressed, it can affect all of your relationships. In those cases, it is best to take a step back and allow that other person to be miserable on their own. Remember, misery loves company. Let them find someone else who is miserable to commiserate with. If you find yourself thinking that that person is impacting your mood, then you need to pair up that thought with an action! Talk to that person. Tell them that you would prefer they put away their troubles when they are around you and enjoy themselves. If you find they cannot do that, then it is up to you to take action and distance yourself from them for a little while. Your happiness might depend on it! I think action is the key missing ingredient in the quote above. You can alter your thinking about everything, and it won't make a difference unless you take the logical action to go along with your change in thinking. Change your thinking, change your actions, and then inevitably, it will change your life. Not all actions will lead to big changes, so make sure that you set your expectations accordingly. Giving up one slice of pizza when you normally eat ten, won't lead to you losing weight. Eating one slice instead of ten always... might. In other words, make sure to have your actions match your expectations ahead of time so that you don't end up disappointed with your results. "So often we rob tomorrow's memories by today's economies." This was part of a longer quote. I don't really know who said this. I saw it and copied it down, but didn't think I was going to use it. I was looking for quotes on memories.
I really felt like writing about memories tonight... About how important I think they are, and how I am trying to make sure that my daughters have lots of memories from their childhood. Maddie says that she has blocked out many of her memories from before she was seven. (She was seven when she first learned about Sharon's drinking problem and saw how it was affecting their relationship.) Even so, I try to reinforce the memories she does have, and of course, add as many new happy ones to her life as I can. Even so, I can see how the above quote is relevant. Many times I have worked late into the night to make certain that I could hit an upcoming deadline. It is sad really. I work so that I can provide a life style for my daughters so that I can give them nice things. But by working so much, I unconsciously take away from them something that I longed for as a child. Time, I believe, is the greatest gift we can give our children. Time to play with them when they are younger and time to talk with them when they are older. Even so, our misguided thoughts that we need to put money away to provide for them oftentimes stops us from providing their basic need of spending time with their parents. I work from home, thus I do get to see them during the day, and to talk with them. Still, I feel bad when I need to work late or focus on something immediately. It is so sad to think that for some families both parents have to work outside of the home, thus ensuring that they spend even less time with their children. In the end, there are some things that money can't buy. Time is a precious commodity. Don't trade away too much of your time chasing the dollar. In the end, it's just not worth it. Memories are the currency of families. In the end, I'd rather be a little less rich in my bank account, but much richer in the memories area. Make sure to build memories. After all, you certainly can't bring your money with you when you die, but you may be able to bring your memories. While no one can be sure what happens after you die, I think there is a better chance of my memories coming with me than my money. Thus, I will do my damnedest to build memories for both me and my daughters, and I'll leave the constant chasing of consumer goods for others. I have lots of toys. I have names for all of my toys. One of them is Tasha, she is a leopard. Then their is sequin, she is a dog. She is white and brown. Duke is a dog and he is Tasha's boyfriend. Pepper is a cat, who has a boyfriend called Spot. He is a dog. Star is a baby dragon. She is blue with a star on her foot. Snow is a husky. He runs really fast in the snow. Willie is a puppy. He is only 3 months old. Lilly is a puppy too. She is so tiny that you can hardly see her in the picture.
Ashleigh Today I read a new book called ''More Spaghetti, I say''. There was a monkey called Minnie, and she loved to eat spaghetti. She liked it on pancakes, ice cream, ham, pickles, cookies, bananas, jam, mustard, and marshmallow stuff. She had no time to play with her friend Freddy because she was too busy eating spaghetti. Later Freddy said ''Minnie you look green, sick, and sad.'' Then Minnie wanted to play, but Freddy was too busy eating spaghetti.
Ashleigh "Better three hours too soon than a minute too late!" That's a quote by William Shakespeare. Just goes to show that sometimes being a good writer just comes down to saying something in such a way that everyone gets it.
Take the above quote, for instance. What do you think of when you read that sentence? I can almost guarantee that you don't think of the same thing that I do. In fact, you could read that line every day, and, depending on your mood, you may think of something different. If it's early in the morning, and you are in a light-hearted mood, you might think of your first cup of coffee. If you are stressed out, it might remind you of a looming deadline at work. For me, it always reminds me of the same damn thing. And for the rest of my life, I think it always will. You see, this isn't the first time I have read that quote. Indeed, I see it all the time. The words may change a little... or the picture it is attached to. It doesn't matter. No matter how it is presented, it makes me think of my wife, and the things left unsaid between us. My wife's death came as a shock to me. Not that I didn't know she was struggling with problems that could eventually lead to death... I knew that! But just the way it happened. We never think that today may be the last day we see someone. Or, in my case, the last day we can get to say something to them and have them understand. You see, I got to see my wife each day for two weeks while she lay in a coma. She had died three times already by then, but the doctors kept reviving her. To me, those two weeks don't count. For me, the last time I spoke to my wife was on the day before I left for New Jersey with the girls to go to a concert with Madison. This was about two days before Sharon was hospitalized. We had stopped by to say good bye, and we spoke to her for a few minutes. Sharon hadn't been feeling well for the past few weeks and she seemed down. I thought it was because we were going away for a few days. As we got up to leave, Sharon came up to me and gave me a long hug, and whispered I love you into my ear. We were divorced by this time and just giving each other little perfunctory kisses on the cheek when we either came or went... you know, kind of like you do to people who are in your family, but you don't speak to a lot. Thus I was surprised when she did that. I wasn't surprised that she still loved me. I loved her as well. But that she would give me the long hug and say that almost as if she expected never to see me again. I, of course, didn't understand. She was saying her last goodbye. I just didn't realize. Never understood that she was that close to dying. For me, there were so many things left unsaid. So many things that tear me up inside because I was never able to tell her. There is no physical pain that can be worse than knowing you have things that have been left unsaid. Nowadays, I make sure to say I love you to my daughters multiple times per day. I figure it is better to be a lifetime early than even a second too late. None of us really know when we are going to take our last breath. Any of us could die tomorrow. Thus it's better to make sure that you say those things you feel to the people around you. Express love to your loved ones. Friendship to your friends and appreciation for those who help to make your life a better place. You never know when there will be no tomorrow. I learned this lesson a little too late. Don't let it happen to you. They say the early bird gets the worm. To be honest, I think that bird gets peace of mind! "What's the worst thing I've stolen? Probably little pieces of other people's lives. Where I've either wasted their time or hurt them in some way. That's the worst thing you can steal, the time of other people. You just can't get that back."
I found the above quote on Tumblr while doing my morning reading. I've never stopped to consider this- but I strongly agree with the quote. One of the most valuable things in life is time, and so it would make sense that it would be the worst thing anyone could ever steal from you- maybe even more-so than life itself. Sounds crazy, right? Allow me to elaborate. In my opinion, life is so much more valuable WHILE we are living it. Everyone agrees with me there, right? Because after we die, there's no guarantee about what happens to us (aside from decomposition of our body in one way or another). But what we do while we're alive is what gives our life that value. We all value our time so much as to organize it into hours, minutes, and seconds- and keep track of schedules that we hate to disrupt. So wouldn't it make sense that wasting time that a person has within the ONE life that they are given would be far worse than ending their life completely? Since what happens after life is uncertain, it's valued less than what we are well aware of having. Most people fear death (as I've said in a previous post) because of the uncertainty of the afterlife. They have regrets and concerns, but the biggest is that they did not spend their time wisely. Robbing someone of the one thing they think they control- is honestly the worst thing someone could do; particularly consciously. -- Maddie Today I finished reading a book called ''Mouse Soup''. A little mouse was reading his book and a weasel caught him. He was going to make mouse soup. But the little mouse tricked the weasel by telling him 4 stories: one was about bees and mud. Another was about two large stones. There was a story about crickets, and another about an old woman and a thorn bush. He tricked the weasel by making him look for ingredients for the soup. When the weasel left the little mouse ran back home.
Ashleigh "The closing years of life are like the end of a masquerade party, when the masks are dropped. " This is a quote by Cesare Pavese. Cesare was an Italian poet who committed suicide at the ripe old age of 41.
Although I have seen in print that many people believe that Pavese was just trying to say that with age comes wisdom, I am not so certain that this is what he actually meant. Remember Pavese killed himself when he was 41, much too young for him to be quoting about the wisdom found with age. Instead, I think that Pavese wrote those words while he was severely depressed. Just prior to his death he had had an affair with U.S.-born actress Constance Dowling, who, in the end, rejected him. This added to his depression and just before he died he dedicated a poem to her. "Death Will Come And She'll Have Your Eyes". For me, the title of the poem alone is enough to link it with the quote above! Knowing that he committed suicide at such a young age, and that he was grieving over the loss of a woman, I believe that what he was trying to convey in the quote was that at some point, everyone reaches that point of clarity where they can see things for what they really are, and for him, I guess, he found that life just wasn't worth living any longer. How sad. I think each of us reach multiple points of clarity throughout our lives. These points of clarity usually only involve a single person or a group of people at each occurrence. Pavese's mistake, I believe, is that he painted everyone and everything with the same broad brush. This could have been caused by his depression. And after reaching a false conclusion, he decided life wasn't worth living. In contrast, I try to find many reasons to live each day. The smiles and hugs I receive from my daughters when they wake up each day is a huge reason for me. It doesn't stop there though, conversations with my Mom and sister, my first cup of coffee, the cool breeze when I open my door. Petting my dog and eating breakfast are all little points of pleasure for me each day. Although the masks of the people around me do not drop every day, most times when they do I am happy with what I see. Surround yourself with people that make you happy. By doing that, I find that most times when the masks come off, I am happy with what I see. On the flip side, limit your time with those people that make you unhappy. Life is too short to be unhappy. Talk through your differences. It is worth the effort! Finally, cut off ties with people who are untrustworthy. If you can't trust someone to do what's right towards you, then you have no reason to have that person in your life. Finally... and here's the hard part. Try to have the wisdom to know the difference! "If you do not conquer self, you will be conquered by self." This is a quote by Napoleon Hill. Hill was one of the first self-help gurus and the author of "Think & Grow Rich". I like the quote above because it is true.
One of our harshest critics is ourselves. There are so many reasons that people feel insecure. For some, it is their looks. For others, it may be their intelligence or how they think they are perceived. None of these things really matter though! What matters is what we think. If we think our looks are going to hold us back, then they will. We will make sure of it. If we think we are dumb, then inevitably we will do something to reinforce this feeling within ourselves. I believe, to be happy in life and be successful, no matter what your definition of success is, we need to first conquer our own self doubts. Self doubts can sabotage nearly anything that you want to do, even if the doubts you have are not directly tied to what it is you are trying to achieve! For example, let's say you want to start your own business. You may have a great idea for a business and all of the drive necessary to get it off the ground. Even so, you believe in your heart that people won't want to buy things from you because you are fat. Over time, you begin to focus so much about what people think about your weight, that you fail to focus on how to present your product. You begin to avoid instances where you need to be in front of a potential customer. Eventually, your business fails and you say to yourself, see I told you that you were too fat. Try to lose some weight first next time! So yes, the business failed. Unfortunately, it had nothing to do with you being overweight. Instead it had everything to do with how you acted because of your beliefs. The example I used above is a little far fetched. And yet, it isn't really. Now picture the above scenario and instead replace the "too fat to be successful" example with your own fear. How would your fear impact the result? I hate to speak to people because they will think I am stupid. I don't want to go out and ask people what they think unless my friends are with me because I am too shy. I don't want to help that customer with their problem because I may not be smart enough to give them what they need. As I said, replace the example with your own internal fear. What would happen? How would you react? Does your internal voice stop you from making rational decisions or from taking decisive actions? If so, then you need to conquer yourself first! Remember, that no one is perfect. Robin Williams, a comic that made thousands of people laugh and was well liked by millions, constantly fought depression. Many other Hollywood stars or rock musicians also battled depression. They could not see their own self worth, or what others valued in them. My wife had a similar problem. She constantly battled her inner demons. Because she set such a high standard on her looks, she battled two eating disorders. When they strains from the disorders got too great, she would drink to self medicate. The constant alcohol use took a toll on both her mind and her body. Three years ago, she drank herself to death. The best way to fight your inner demons is to recognize your inner fear, and then do what needs to be done anyway. If someone won't buy from me because they think I am fat, and yet they need the product I have anyway, then that is them not being rational, not me! If I say something, to help someone make a decision and they think I am weird, then so be it! None of those things are going to kill me! How I react to those things, may kill me though. Before you go to conquer the world, first be sure to conquer your own self doubts. It is likely the hardest battle that any of us will ever have to face alone. I have a wind chime. It is very pretty. It has a cross on it and when the wind blows, it makes noises. I like the pretty noises it makes. The wind chime is hanging in my kitchen.
Ashleigh Earlier, I was on Tumblr scrolling about and I found a post I disagreed with- strongly. I won't insert it here, but in short, the post stated that as a species, we have failed. We're horrible for each other and the planet we inhabit, and we've destroyed our own natural selection because we keep the sick and demented alive and keep people who are disabled alive. I'm pretty sure that you know where I'm headed, but in case you don't... I wrote a rant in response. I didn't actually send it to the blog that posted the original rant; nor will I include that blog in this post. However, here is my own opinion.
As a species, we have come quite far. We’re one of many different mammals that share in the Earth- and of all of them, we’ve evolved to the point that we have science that allows us to take better care of ourselves, heal diseases, make progress towards a better and healthier world. Yet some of us are so ignorant as to say that we’ve taken away natural selection; taken away evolution through our own discoveries. Isn’t that what evolution is? Ways of moving forward, learning through each generation. I’ve got news for you- we’ve evolved a LOT, and as we have evolved, so has “natural selection”. You say we kill our planet with what we create and that we keep the ill and demented alive… But isn’t that natural selection in and of itself? These genetic diseases and flaws come about in every generation; changing every time…. and every time, we find new ways to handle them. I think that’s pretty amazing. There’s a reason why we’re at the top of the food chain; why we have no predators aside from natural disaster and ourselves. We, as a species, are innovative and determined. Determined to live… even if it means dying in the end. Life ends for all of us eventually, but what’s the sense in wasting it? Leave a legacy for those who come after you. Live your life so well that death will tremble to take you. If stereotypes, democracy, politics, religion, and everything else bother you, then ignore them. I know, it probably sounds impossible- but giving such an enormous shit about everyone else’s opinion and trying to class the entire race which you’re a part of as horrible for having a different life approach than you is a bit far-fetched. And it CERTAINLY takes more energy than just living your life happily and letting go of things that bother you. As for me? I live my life as happily as possible. I don’t let the bigger picture get into my head, and I find joy in the simplest things. I wrote this post to state my own opinion- take it or leave it. My time wasn’t wasted either way. -- maddie "You can never step in the same river twice." That's a quote by Heraclitus. This is a great quote. In essence, he is saying that no matter how much you think things stay the same, they are always changing. It reminds me of the quote "the only constant is change." I heard that quote stated by Spock, from Star Trek. I am not sure where he pulled it from, but it has the same meaning.
So many people go through life in a rut, feeling that nothing ever changes. They do the same things over and over again, talk to the same people and never go anywhere new. What these people fail to see is that change is at their finger tips! If you are not happy doing what you do, then very simply do something else! Not happy with your job? Then change jobs or careers. Not happy with what you are eating? Then eat something different! Life really is that simple. The problem is, people are afraid of change. No matter how much they want it, they get frozen for long periods of inaction. They think about change, and then think again. Finally, if they are lucky, they will make a move. In the meantime, they sit around thinking that nothing ever changes. And yet, even in the act of just thinking about a change, things have changed. Think of the quote about the river above. Physically, you could step into the river at the exact same location every day.. and yet, the river would still be different! The water flows down river. The water may have been pure the first time you stepped foot in that river. But the water flowing by that spot where you stepped in is not the same water that you will step in tomorrow. The water upstream may have been muddied by the tread of thousands of feet or poisoned by a careless person. The river has changed... your perception of it has not. Meanwhile, just by thinking about change, you have changed your perceptions. If reality is not changing fast enough for you, then you need to change your reality. By this I mean, sometimes thinking is not enough! If your finger is above a flame, you need to move it or you will get burned. There is no thinking about it. Move it or get burned. If you want change to happen quickly, then you need to take action right away! Be careful though. I find that taking action without thinking it through, particularly on large, life-changing actions can be disastrous. Decide what change you want in your life. Think of a plan that can achieve it quickly for you. And then start acting on that plan, Remember, the only constant is change. Change can happen glacially slow, or it can come quickly. Either way, it is best to approach the changes you want with a plan. I believe I've spoken on this before, but recently I found a few new songs with this same... description. I find so many times, people listen to just the beat of a song and not the lyrics. This is not the case for me- lyrics are everything, so I look past the happy beat and hear what the song is actually saying. I'm trying to keep this post short.... but I'll leave the titles of a few songs below. The one in particular that I want you to listen to, I will leave the video for below. I'm also posting the lyrics. Listen to the beat of the song, but bare in mind the lyrics. I think you'll see what I mean. "Faded"
You were the shadow to my light Did you feel us? Another star You fade away Afraid our aim is out of sight Wanna see us Alive Where are you now? Where are you now? Where are you now? Was it all in my fantasy? Where are you now? Were you only imaginary? Where are you now? Atlantis Under the sea Under the sea Where are you now? Another dream The monster's running wild inside of me I'm faded I'm faded So lost, I'm faded I'm faded So lost, I'm faded These shallow waters never met what I needed I'm letting go a deeper dive Eternal silence of the sea. I'm breathing alive Where are you now? Where are you now? Under the bright but faded lights You've set my heart on fire Where are you now? Where are you now? Where are you now? Atlantis Under the sea Under the sea Where are you now? Another dream The monster's running wild inside of me I'm faded I'm faded So lost, I'm faded I'm faded So lost, I'm faded -------- Bullet - Hollywood Undead Colors - Halsey Kill Your Heroes - AWOLnation A Light That Never Comes - Linkin Park Fun - Troye Sivan Can't Sleep - K.Flay -- Maddie This is yet another quote that is a metaphor for positivity and happiness. It seems that quotes like these have become a trend for me- and I can't quite say I have a problem with it. They simply encourage my belief- which is that you can find the good in anything if you try hard enough and that perspective is what makes or breaks you. In general, I myself have become a happier person over a course of the past year via doing this.
I really don't think people realize how freaking depressed I was last year. It was the WORST. I let everything bother me and stress overtake my life... and while I said that I wanted to be happy, I really didn't know where to begin. I began believing that I was incapable of being happy because I couldn't identify it. I felt lost and desperate and honestly, if it wasn't for my dad and a few close friends I probably would never have discovered my happiness. But I don't mean to give myself no credit. Honestly, you are the only one who can TRULY find your own happiness. Your road is yours to walk alone- others may walk it with you and make your journey easier; but no one can walk it for you. That is the way of life in so many cases- including depression. Others will certainly try to help you, but it is YOUR demon to defeat. I'm certainly glad I managed to defeat mine... and I just want to say thank you to those who gave me the encouragement required. -- Maddie A writer that I read daily wrote something that got me thinking today. He wrote "I want to know why you got separated from your spouse. People always say, “It was amicable.” No it wasn’t. Don’t lie. Tell me. Please." Funny that this line hit so close to home for me, since he wasn't really writing about relationships. He was writing about his curiosity and just giving an example of what he finds interesting sometimes.
His name is James Altucher, and he regularly lays his thoughts out for all to see. He writes about the good things in his life and the bad, but his writing usually has a point to it. I like that. Well, his quote above got me thinking because after I got my divorce I sometimes told people I didn't know well that our divorce was amicable... It wasn't really. And so, without further ado, I'll tell the story. My wife and I got a divorce in 2011. In a nutshell, our divorce was caused by addiction. My wife and I first started dating in July, 1999. She was 23 and I was 33. We had known each other for a few months prior to starting dating. She had been married, but her husband had died. We started chatting at a party and when we started talking she told me he had died a couple of months prior. We really hit it off and started dating soon after. About two weeks after we started dating, Sharon told me she was an alcoholic and asked me to help her stop. I gave up drinking on that day, and have not had another drink since. My wife, on the other hand, was never able to give up alcohol for any great length of time. In fact, her longest time sober was when my first daughter was born. She stopped for about two years then... the nine months during the pregnancy and an additional 18 months while she was breast feeding. Soon after, her parents came from England to visit her and the stress of the visit, coupled with depression started her drinking again. Over the years, we went to AA meetings, in-patient re-habs, outpatient programs, Psychiatrists psychologists, and to numerous social workers. None of them could do it for her, and she just couldn't do it for herself. Sharon was a sneak drinker, and Madison was young, so she never realized that her mommy had a problem in the early years. By age seven, this was changing. (I worked from home on and off starting in 2001, and then started my own business in 2003, so I was home to make sure Maddie was safe.) Sharon was not a social drinker and had a tendency to drink quickly but heavily when no one was around to see her. She was very hard to catch, and only regular sweeps of our house and property kept some sort of limit on her drinking. Her tolerance was very high, and she could go for long periods where she fooled me into thinking she was sober. Even so, Maddie knew from a very early age that she was not allowed to drive with Mommy. Daddy did the driving whenever Maddie was going out with us. But I digress. In 2009, Sharon and I decided to have another baby. Sharon's drinking had been getting progressively worse and she thought that she would stop if she got pregnant. Maddie was seven, and by this time she already knew about Mommy's drinking problem. Sharon started lying about the drinking to Maddie, something she never thought she would do. It scared her, and she thought that the pregnancy would force her to stop since she would never willingly drink with a baby inside her. Unfortunately, she was unable to stop. At one point, she was found unconscious in the parking lot at our dojo, and we called an ambulance for her. Believe it or not, we thought it was anemia having to do with the pregnancy. In fact, the doctor at the emergency room actually said that is what it was. After speaking to her at the hospital, though, I began to suspect that she had been drinking and I told the nurse to tell the doctor that she was an alcoholic and that I believe she had been drinking. He tested her blood alcohol content and found she had a .42! This is well above the legal limit of .08. The doctor was stunned. He had had a conversation with Sharon and she had been coherent, so he never even thought to check her for alcohol use. He was astounded that she could even talk at that level of inebriation. At that time, he told me he couldn't tell me if there had been any damage to the fetus, but he thought that it was likely. I was crushed! After that Sharon was charged with drunk driving and I plea bargained with the DA before her court appearance. I told him to tell the judge that I would have her plead guilty and that I would pay all fines at the maximum rate as long as he court-ordered that she enter an in-patient rehab facility. Sharon would never willingly go for an in-house program. In fact, I could barely get her to go to an AA meeting. She was 7-months pregnant and I figured that an inpatient program was the safest thing for the baby. The judge did even better than that. Not only did he court order the in-patient program (and take her license) but he lowered her fines to the minimum that he could, since I was paying for the in-patient program out of my pocket. Sharon entered a program at Phoenix House in Keene. She did well, and it ended about two weeks before she was due to give birth. Unfortunately, Sharon got drunk again on the first night she was back and fell and broke her ankle. I had swept the house and knew it was clean. She had somehow gotten alcohol in Keene and brought it back with her in her bags from the in-patient facility. The doctor recommended that she have a cesarean birth the next day, to help protect the baby. Ashleigh was born on January 18, 2010, two weeks premature and suffering from alcohol withdrawal. She spent the first nine hours of her life in an oxygen tent. At that point, I felt Sharon was too dangerous to be around the girls and I pressed child neglect charges against her. I brought Ashleigh home alone when she was four days old, and I have raised her and Maddie ever since. At that point, I had no intention of divorcing my wife. Sharon went back into in-house therapy, and we tried to get her drinking under control. At one point, (in July) the courts allowed Sharon to come back to live in our home, but she quickly began drinking again. One night, when I called the police to help me with Sharon, (she eventually passed out right in front of the police man), he recommended that I go in the morning and get an ex-parte separation. This would allow me to continue to live in the home, while limiting her access to it. Without that, the police could not remove her from the home since she was legally allowed to live there and drink. I had her taken to the emergency room that night, and first thing in the morning I hired a lawyer and got an exparte separation. Given the circumstances (the child neglect charges, the history of alcoholism and alcohol related arrests, we were only in front of the judge for five minutes. In all, Sharon's stay in our home lasted about three weeks. We paid for a one-bedroom apartment for Sharon and we continued to see doctors and social workers to try and get her to stop drinking. It was at this point, that one of the psychologists told us that Sharon was actually suffering from Addictive personality disorder. (Sharon had eating disorders that we were trying to deal with and other things as well. After ten years of seeing doctors and psychologists, one finally hit on the fact that all of her compulsions were tied together. Sharon continued to drink and I eventually filed for divorce. Of course, there were other things impacting that decision. It's just none of your business. Two years after our divorce, Sharon drank herself to death. She developed esophageal varacies in 2011, continued to drink. After a two week stay in the hospital in a coma, her life support was removed and she died in my arms. Of course, there is more to the story than that. I write about Sharon from time to time. If you look through the archives, you can likely piece together a lot of the story. Some things I just won't or can't write about though. Sometimes, I wish I didn't know... and sometimes, it is better not to know. So, while the divorce wasn't amicable, in time, we both realized that it was the best thing for our girls. Sometimes we need to think about things other than ourselves. Sharon missed our daughters dearly when she was away from them. But because she could not stop her drinking, it was safest that she did not live with us. With that said, our divorce led to a lot of heartbreak, but was the best thing for our daughters. Now that I have written this, I think it is just best to say that our divorce was painful, and just leave it at that. Today I'm going to write about Daddy's old car. The white Blazer is 19 years old. There is a lot of rust on Daddy's car and it looks like it is falling apart. It is very Comfortable, though The seats are nice and soft. I even have a cup holder in the back on the right side.
Ashleigh Today I read a book called ''HENRY and the SNEAKY CRACKERS. One day Henry saw a spy kit on sale and he bought it. There was a spy hat, spy glasses, a magnifying glass, and a spy telescope. Henry and Mudge walked down the street spying. They needed to solve a code they found, so they went home. When they solved it, Henry left a message that said ''Meet me here at 5:00 on Monday''. On Monday, a boy met him and he had the same spy kit. He also had a dogthat was wearing a had... same as Mudge. ''Let's start a club ''Henry said. They named their club Crackers.
Ashleigh "Be as you wish to seem." That's another one from my man Socrates. It's simple really, yet so many people screw this one up. I think it is because so many people really have no idea about who they really want to be.
Sure, they will say "I want to be a nice person!" or "I want to be respected." Or even "I want to be happy!" The problem is that they don't know what those words mean. Not really anyway. They may have a vague notion that to be happy means not to be sad... to be nice means not to be bad. And while those are close, they really don't know how to achieve it. The above quote really gives people a starting point. It's a starting point because it makes people think about the next step. Well, I want people to think that I am happy. Well, okay, then I need to be happy. How do I achieve that? If they stop and think about that point, they will be closer to achieving their goal. This isn't a one-step process either! Most people want to be many things. I want to be good at karate. I want to be happy. I want to be good at what I do. I want to read. When people look at me I want to seem happy, competent and hard working! I want to seem intelligent and nice. To be all those things, I actually need to know what they mean... or, at least what they mean to me. Once I know what they mean and what it will entail for me to "be" that, then I need to develop habits that will lead to me being that way. For example, to get good at karate, I actually need to practice. If I don't practice, I will not get better at my craft. At the dojo, I can tell who practices and who doesn't by the improvements they make in their forms. Those who practice, get a little better each week. Those who don't practice, oftentimes need to be taught the same parts of the forms over and over again. Eventually, they might get it. But it takes them a lot longer that way than if they just reviewed it a bit on their own. To seem "happy" is a bit harder. I think most people really need to actually be happy to seem it. For me, it's the little things that make me happy. I have found it is best to focus on the little things since they occur much more frequently that the "BIG" things that only occur every so often. Why wait for a vacation to be happy? Why not find something that can make you happy daily? For me, I like to take little drives around my area and look at the mountain views and the lakes. I like to practice my karate, read, and make my daughters laugh. I like to drink copious amounts of coffee! Those things make me happy, and I experience them nearly every day. Of course, I have other things that make me happy too. Things that I can't do every day, but that I can do a couple of times a month if I am lucky. I like to take my daughters hiking... or fishing. I like to take them to the movies too. When I can do these things with them, I find it adds to my happiness. In the end, by being what I wish to seem, I become exactly what I wish to seem. It is simple. But to get to that point, you first need to define for yourself what you wish to seem and be. Yesterday Daddy taught me the start of a new form. It is called Ripping Panther. Daddy said it is going to take a while to learn the form. Once I learn ''Ripping Panther'' ,he will teach me Bushido 1. There are many more forms that I need to learn before I become a black belt.
Ashleigh |
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